My husband had an EA with a woman online. He called her Sugar. Yesterday he called me that and it was like walking into a brick wall. I did not say anything to him. I wanted to say I am not your sugar, she is but I didn't. Should I just let it go? He is no longer in contact with her.
I know it's hard but I think it would be best if you tried really hard to let it go. He's probably too dumb to even notice it and if you try to "educate" him it will just end up with unpleasantness while getting you nowhere.
Eg, Just yesterday I had to spend the day in a class sitting next to and working with a woman who looks so much like the OW, and even her name was only a couple letters off from OW's. I was so bothered by that!! I came home and ended up in a conversation with WH about why I had a bad day and why I feel rotten. We sort of had a fight. He knows it's his fault I have triggers but it's a fact of life right now that I do, and once it's happened he can't help it. So I wish I had been strong enough to keep my mouth shut about my problems with the classmate, and we could have just had a nice evening being friendly and getting better. Mentioning the trigger only set us back rehashing the past, and did no good. So if you are able to, I hope you can be better than me and let it go.
Thank you so much. This is exactly how I feel. If I would of said something it just would of ended up in a fight and we would be back to square one.
I know it's hard but I think it would be best if you tried really hard to let it go. He's probably too dumb to even notice it and if you try to "educate" him it will just end up with unpleasantness while getting you nowhere.
Eg, Just yesterday I had to spend the day in a class sitting next to and working with a woman who looks so much like the OW, and even her name was only a couple letters off from OW's. I was so bothered by that!! I came home and ended up in a conversation with WH about why I had a bad day and why I feel rotten. We sort of had a fight. He knows it's his fault I have triggers but it's a fact of life right now that I do, and once it's happened he can't help it. So I wish I had been strong enough to keep my mouth shut about my problems with the classmate, and we could have just had a nice evening being friendly and getting better. Mentioning the trigger only set us back rehashing the past, and did no good. So if you are able to, I hope you can be better than me and let it go.
He can be very obtuse. The stuff that comes out of his mouth sometimes floors me.
My folks have been married for 60 years. The other day I told him I had always wanted a long marriage. I was married for 23 years and he cheated on me (hence my insecurities which I am working on). Do you know what my now second hubby said. Why didn't you try and make it work with your ex then? I just looked at him and could not believe that came out of his mouth. That night I told him how surprised I was that he said that. Why would I work on a marriage when someone cheated on me and besides if I worked it out we would not be together now!! He hit the side of his head and apologized and said he can be very ignorant sometimes and has to watch what he says. He still says he did not mean to call this woman sugar, that he always uses the wrong words due to his being from another country. Yeah tell me another one
If he cares, he should WANT to do everything he can to help you with triggers, including not calling you something that triggers you. You have every right to bring it up with him, in a loving way of course.
If he cares, he should WANT to do everything he can to help you with triggers, including not calling you something that triggers you. You have every right to bring it up with him, in a loving way of course.
I tend to agree with first poster about letting it go. It depends on personalities. Like I said he cares a lot but just does not think.
I tend to agree with first poster about letting it go. It depends on personalities. Like I said he cares a lot but just does not think.
It sounds like he is like my H was right after dday and for a couple of months in that he WANTS to do the right thing BUT he doesnt know how. You may have to help him understand triggers. It took me a long time to actually tell him about certain triggers. Im glad I did. He avoids certain things now and sometimes even knows when Im triggering w/o me telling him. But the first thing is to tell him about triggers. If he doesnt understand them, he cant avoid them.
I would let it go too. If he is not calling you by the term all the time then leave it be. But if it becomes a habit I would say something and not allow it to turn into a fight. Just say something like, "Please try not to call me sugar. It reminds me and is painful but I am not upset with you for it just trying to communicate it to you so that you are aware." That is what I would do.
My H's OW (EA) would flirt with him and turn everything into a twisted sexual related remark. She would say, "That's what she said!" to just about everything. Which sucks because I love the show The Office and it was used a lot in that. We use to watch it together but I had to stop for a while. Even threw out our first three seasons DVDs because it bothered me so much.
Why would you asking for his help cause a fight?! Especially for something so SIMPLE for him? It's one thing to run into someone who looks like the OW - that's not avoidable. This one is totally avoidable.
He sounds very thoughtless, to even call you that in the first place. HE CHEATED. He'd better start thinking and putting a filter in place for stuff like that.
What all is he doing to show you he is truly remorseful?
Why would you asking for his help cause a fight?! Especially for something so SIMPLE for him? It's one thing to run into someone who looks like the OW - that's not avoidable. This one is totally avoidable.
He sounds very thoughtless, to even call you that in the first place. HE CHEATED. He'd better start thinking and putting a filter in place for stuff like that.
What all is he doing to show you he is truly remorseful?
if you are afraid that by merely asking him to help you with something because of what he did will lead to a fight then I would have to say that there is major rugsweeping going on
Yes, his reaction was rugsweeping and that is not showing true remorse.
The other day, my H and I were making dinner together alone and having a wonderful time. We were discussing movies and suddenly in relation to the conversation, he mentioned a celebrity with the same first name as OW. I just stared at him in stunned silence for a while and then said, "Why did you say her name?" He went as white as a ghost and said he wasn't even thinking of her and he was so sorry. I had to leave the room to compose myself because I didn't want to cry or get angry. He came to me and held me and rubbed my back and apologized and said he would never say her name again. That it was stupid and thoughtless and he didn't even think. After a nice long hug, he then asked if I felt like I could get back to our fun night and he'd make me feel better later with a back massage and some pampering. The whole incident took about 10 minutes but then it was behind us and we ending up having a nice evening.
That's how a WS needs to handle a trigger.
If he had tried to rugsweep, we probably would have gotten into a fight and our evening would have been truly ruined.
I periodically send my WS info on what I'm going through but break it down into specific issues so it's easier for him to refer back to. This is what I sent him on triggers and how to deal with them.
TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.
Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish.
Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, situations, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.
It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.
EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.
REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.
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