Just over 2 years ago I posted here asking for help. If you go back, you can look at what I've gone through.
Now, I probably haven't done things the way people would say is the best, or nearly best way of handling things. However, there was a point where I though we were on the right track, she was happy, I was happy, we were looking forward to being parents (She got pregnant) but then she miscarried.
The following couple of months were hard for both of us. I can't imagine her pain, but there was a lot of pain there for me as well. The fact that I would have to continue doing my job, around little kids all day, made it worse.
A year later, she's showing signs of having an affair. This time I'm either more observant or I'm being overly so.
She's at work way past when 'over-time' hours. I can attribute this to her not wanting to come home and deal with her mother, but that's just putting it all on me. Besides, we don't need the extra money.
When it's not over-time then it's drinks with co-workers. If that's what she says, that's what it is. I'm not going to, at this point, tell her to 'prove it'...although only 2yrs out, I kind of wish she would offer it up. She had before, but it's so easy to get a friend or co-worker to cover for you.
I did laundry and found some sex panties...not lingerie...crotchless panties with white pearls down the middle. I don't think she was expecting me to finish the laundry. I put the panties on her desk and let her find it on her own...I wanted her to know that I knew about her 'special underwear' without actually saying anything. I wanted to see what she would say. Her reaction "Oh, these were panties my co-worker bought for her boyfriend and she didn't like them so she gave them to me." My first thought was 'Really...you plan on wearing those when someone else beat you to it...and since when have you worn ANYTHING sex related to bed in an attempt to get me in the mood?'
AND...since finding those panties, I wondered if she was hiding anything else so I jumped onto her computer. Her facebook was not accessible (Password not saved) but her iPad was a different story...password saved. I went through some of her messages. Mostly nothing related to me with the exception of one. The message, which was not in English (So I took a picture of and sent it to my friend) basically said "I can count on (Me) my husband for this and that, but I'd rather count on you for other stuff." And to the same person "It's his birthday (Me) and we would really like YOU to come." When he said he couldn't because he didn't drink or have the money to go out she actually changed the birthday plans around (Which at the time seem odd to me). She wanted him there...problem for her is (If she was interested) he is such a good Christian boy that he would never do anything like this. He's got a girlfriend now. Just talking with him you would know that he's not gonna mess around in a relationship with a married woman. Never say never, but I'm a betting man...I'd say never with him...other people though...who knows...and it sucks to feel that way about your wife....
Sex is still hit and miss. I have to initiate. When I do, she's a go and has her fun. But if I don't, I don't think it would happen. A couple months back I asked her since her mother was out for a couple of weeks if we could take advantage of the time...at first she said 'OK' and then it was 'How about tomorrow?'...and then the following day would come around and she'd have 1 too many glasses of wine and be 'OK...we can have sex if you want.' And I just let her pass out. Not exactly what I want. The next day 'Oh I feel bad (Without the actual sympathy in her voice' and I would respond calmly 'When you are in the mood, let me know. Until then, do what you want.'
My friend says "Get divorced." He thinks that she'll only get the point when she realizes I don't 'need her'. But I don't want her to be all over me because she's 'scared' to be on her own or because she won't have my pay to rely on or my time to rely on (In taking care of her mother). I want her to be with me because that's what she really wants.
Right now, I'm all about taking care of myself. I'm healthier, stronger, making sure all my priorities are in order. The only thing I can't really wrap my head around is how to handle this. If I bring up affairs, the possibilities, the signs, it just turns into an argument. I feel a bit like I'm waiting for her to mess up so I can say "Thank you, and **** you very much...goodbye." It sounds like I don't love her...10 yrs together, I do...but I'm starting to hate both her and myself in many ways. For all that I've gained, I still feel like I'm losing....
So...I post this in hope for some replies.
Just an FYI...she's not OK with counseling, books, or programs. She thinks this is all stuff that needs to be solved 'in house'. It may be a cultural thing...
This sounds very much like a project. You will have to ask yourself if that's what you want to do at this point in your live. I wouldn't but we are all different. Good luck
Just over 2 years ago I posted here asking for help. If you go back, you can look at what I've gone through.
Now, I probably haven't done things the way people would say is the best, or nearly best way of handling things. However, there was a point where I though we were on the right track, she was happy, I was happy, we were looking forward to being parents (She got pregnant) but then she miscarried.
The following couple of months were hard for both of us. I can't imagine her pain, but there was a lot of pain there for me as well. The fact that I would have to continue doing my job, around little kids all day, made it worse.
A year later, she's showing signs of having an affair. This time I'm either more observant or I'm being overly so.
She's at work way past when 'over-time' hours. I can attribute this to her not wanting to come home and deal with her mother, but that's just putting it all on me. Besides, we don't need the extra money.
When it's not over-time then it's drinks with co-workers. If that's what she says, that's what it is. I'm not going to, at this point, tell her to 'prove it'...although only 2yrs out, I kind of wish she would offer it up. She had before, but it's so easy to get a friend or co-worker to cover for you.
I did laundry and found some sex panties...not lingerie...crotchless panties with white pearls down the middle. I don't think she was expecting me to finish the laundry. I put the panties on her desk and let her find it on her own...I wanted her to know that I knew about her 'special underwear' without actually saying anything. I wanted to see what she would say. Her reaction "Oh, these were panties my co-worker bought for her boyfriend and she didn't like them so she gave them to me." My first thought was 'Really...you plan on wearing those when someone else beat you to it...and since when have you worn ANYTHING sex related to bed in an attempt to get me in the mood?'
AND...since finding those panties, I wondered if she was hiding anything else so I jumped onto her computer. Her facebook was not accessible (Password not saved) but her iPad was a different story...password saved. I went through some of her messages. Mostly nothing related to me with the exception of one. The message, which was not in English (So I took a picture of and sent it to my friend) basically said "I can count on (Me) my husband for this and that, but I'd rather count on you for other stuff." And to the same person "It's his birthday (Me) and we would really like YOU to come." When he said he couldn't because he didn't drink or have the money to go out she actually changed the birthday plans around (Which at the time seem odd to me). She wanted him there...problem for her is (If she was interested) he is such a good Christian boy that he would never do anything like this. He's got a girlfriend now. Just talking with him you would know that he's not gonna mess around in a relationship with a married woman. Never say never, but I'm a betting man...I'd say never with him...other people though...who knows...and it sucks to feel that way about your wife....
Sex is still hit and miss. I have to initiate. When I do, she's a go and has her fun. But if I don't, I don't think it would happen. A couple months back I asked her since her mother was out for a couple of weeks if we could take advantage of the time...at first she said 'OK' and then it was 'How about tomorrow?'...and then the following day would come around and she'd have 1 too many glasses of wine and be 'OK...we can have sex if you want.' And I just let her pass out. Not exactly what I want. The next day 'Oh I feel bad (Without the actual sympathy in her voice' and I would respond calmly 'When you are in the mood, let me know. Until then, do what you want.'
My friend says "Get divorced." He thinks that she'll only get the point when she realizes I don't 'need her'. But I don't want her to be all over me because she's 'scared' to be on her own or because she won't have my pay to rely on or my time to rely on (In taking care of her mother). I want her to be with me because that's what she really wants.
Right now, I'm all about taking care of myself. I'm healthier, stronger, making sure all my priorities are in order. The only thing I can't really wrap my head around is how to handle this. If I bring up affairs, the possibilities, the signs, it just turns into an argument. I feel a bit like I'm waiting for her to mess up so I can say "Thank you, and **** you very much...goodbye." It sounds like I don't love her...10 yrs together, I do...but I'm starting to hate both her and myself in many ways. For all that I've gained, I still feel like I'm losing....
So...I post this in hope for some replies.
Just an FYI...she's not OK with counseling, books, or programs. She thinks this is all stuff that needs to be solved 'in house'. It may be a cultural thing...
Please don't think that a good christian boy would not have sex with an older married lady. You don't say his age or your wife's age -- but your wife is definitely acting like a MILF and is slowly seducing the boy. I bet she is liking the chase very much. Just read the OM in his apartment story. She chased and he got her. Same story hear.
Please watch and observe before it is too late. It may be to late since you both had issues 2 years ago and did not adress them back then.
You need to do something drastic -- because your wife has absolutely no respect for you and does not love you -- for that matter even like you -- as she constantly hurts you -- and you allow it.
The STD test is one way I thought about bringing up the subject...not sure if it's the best way, but it certainly would pushing things into a 'conversation'.
She (As many in this country) don't like the use of condoms. And since she's older (And can't get pregnant that easily) she is less worried. When we have sex, no condoms and all 'ordinance' is released on the inside (I have no other way of putting it).
Bringing up whether I need to get tested or not might push her to answer questions that need to be answered. I'll get one anyways.
The guy in questions, being a guy I know that it's hard to turn down sex from a beautiful woman, is just not that kind of guy. Just writing that I know how stupid it sounds...but his responses to her messages were always very polite and to the point, asking how 'I' was doing in many of them. I would think he would go to our minister (We have the same minister) and he (Knowing my story) would caution him. My minister isn't bound by any law and I believe he would come to me (Since we were friends way before he became a minister) and let me know something was happening that I should look at....but I've read enough, heard enough, seen enough to know that what seems impossible is actually possible...it sucks...
Since finding her underwear I've been getting more text messages from her as well...not the norm.
As far as a VAR...nothing could happen at our apartment. My schedule is all over the place and there's no way for her to get away with anything here. And since we don't have a car, the VAR and GPS are a no go.
Thought about a keylogger, but the thing is I can access her email on her computer. She's not that dumb. Her Facebook, she was careless, but the rest she leaves open.
Her phone...that's the problem. She works for the phone company and knows how the phones work. It's part of her job. In the 'good days' she would talk about how she would have to explain to customers calling in how to 'hide' certain information. She's an expert and would be able to hide anything from me on her phone. This country prides itself on being able to keep it's customers secrets...nothing is more important. She knows how so even if I ask to see her phone, there would be no real point. She'd get away with it.
As for a PI...if I had the energy, wanted to waste the money, I would...but I just don't. I'd rather just leave...and this is how I'm feeling now. I just don't know how exactly.
I think you just need to decided which way you wish to go, stay together or D and have a talk with her. The talk could decide the direction you go. Explain what you have here, tell you you do not believe her story on the panties for one minute and why. i.e. why would she wear someone elses underware and if she did take them why not wear them for you? Bring up the other red flags, give her a choice, if she does not wish to go to MC, D is the only other direction. It could come out that the mother is the main issue, if so, you may need to come up with other living arrangements to save the M.
You have done all you could to save your marriage. Ask her to leave and then file for divorce.
Any person stupid enough to leave sex panties out for her husband to find deserves being divorced. You should divorce her to be rid of being married to an idiot, if for anything else.
I wanted her to know that I knew about her 'special underwear' without actually saying anything. I wanted to see what she would say. Her reaction "Oh, these were panties my co-worker bought for her boyfriend and she didn't like them so she gave them to me."
Since she doesn't believe in counseling or books then what she is truly saying is that there is nothing wrong with her behavior and that you have to deal with it. If you are too scared to leave her, then continue with thing as they are while making peace with the fact that you are in a one sided open marriage. On the other hand, if you truly believe that you deserve better than what you've gotten from her, then you know what you have to do, divorce her. Those are essentially your two options.
Also, you said "Thought about a keylogger, but the thing is I can access her email on her computer. She's not that dumb" - She may have secret email accounts you don't know about so you should use the keylogger
I did laundry and found some sex panties...not lingerie...crotchless panties with white pearls down the middle. I don't think she was expecting me to finish the laundry. I put the panties on her desk and let her find it on her own...I wanted her to know that I knew about her 'special underwear' without actually saying anything. I wanted to see what she would say. Her reaction "Oh, these were panties my co-worker bought for her boyfriend and she didn't like them so she gave them to me." My first thought was 'Really...you plan on wearing those when someone else beat you to it...and since when have you worn ANYTHING sex related to bed in an attempt to get me in the mood?'
You have gotten some good advice, but I want to concentrate on this for a bit. If this is typical of your interaction, you need toughen up a bit. Why did you not confront your wife directly and ask her about the panties? Leaving them on her desk comes across as passive aggressive and afraid of confrontation. Plus, it gave her time to come up with an excuse. As it is, you missed an opportunity to confront her directly and gauge her reaction.
You can't be afraid of her. Your actions here send the message (whether or not true) that you are scared of her.
Your original story is brutal. She killed you from the inside. Why are still living with her like a zombie. Anything redeeming about the relationship that makes you stay with her?
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My gut is at it again...2yrs later 
