Zanna

I'm wondering about the topic of hysterical bonding and what it means to reconciliation, if anything.

How long did it go on for you and your spouse? Was it a pre-cursor to a solid reconciliation? Or even with HS present, did your spouse return to the AP and/or did you divorce eventually?

And I'm not sure if we are still in HS or if we have both become HD but we make love everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day on weekends, or when the kids are at school. This has been going on since about 3 weeks after D-day so a little over 8 months now. Still hysterical bonding at this point?

Anyway, sex was a huge issue for us pre d-day. I had lost all attraction for my H and had no physical desire for him whatsoever. We have spoken about the issue of sex in great detail, read some great books on the subject and we both understand why I lost desire. My H has done his best to remedy these issues since d-day. I have, in turn, accepted that sex is one of his top emotional needs and now understand that it wasn't just about "getting off" for him but about connecting with me on an emotional level as well.

During his A, we stopped having sex completely but it was already very infrequent - we would go months without making love. During his A, he stopped pursuing and I was relieved because I had no desire. However, towards the end of the A, he kept bringing up our sexless M and getting very angry. He would often accuse me of not liking sex. He said in later discussions, the reasons for his angry outbursts were because he found sex with the OW unsatisfying on an emotional level, he felt guilty and he still desired me more than her which left him feeling angry and frustrated. It was due in part to this revelation that he decided to end the A. (I did not know about his A until after it was over).

I probably shouldn't overanalyze a good thing now that things are back on track in this area but my concern is that sex has become a band-aid for our problems or that once, the HS bonding phase ends, I will lose my desire due to my resentment over the A . I still think of him with OW during sex which is becoming frustrating and disgusting. I'm wondering how much longer these images will be in my head because they're not letting up.


So I'm curious as to other betrayed or wayward's experience with the issue of HS. And how long did you have the images of the OP with your WS while having sex? Any tips on banishing the memory of the wh0re from our bedroom?

lamaga

You're questioning great sex with your spouse because it might be something that some people on the internet have called "hysterical bonding"?

Seriously?

Okay, I clearly need to log off for the night and maybe the week.

Zanna

I'm not questioning the great sex. I'm wondering if it's hysterical bonding and not that we have truly conquered this issue. Hysterical bonding is about reclaiming your spouse. It seem to be more about competition than desire. Google is your friend if you want to read more.

I'm also asking how to get the images of the OP out of my head? Or did you gloss over that part too?

I'm sorry you find my questions so offensive. If you don't understand what I'm referring to or have no advice, then move along. There's no need to be rude, condescending or dramatic.

canttrustu

I think hysterical bonding is about re-claiming whats yours. Its about reconnecting with your spouse during a very emotional time in your marriage. It has alot of benefits. Restoration of intimacy where it is fractured. It happens ALOT. Its not a bad thing. I dont think its a rug sweeping thing if thats your question. Its just about appreciating what you nearly lost.

About ridding your head of the mind movies.....well I dont have any advice on that one. But IF you manage please let us all know how. You'd be VERY popular on CWI.

Zanna

Yes, I agree, it's not bad. I guess I worry the resentment is going to catch up with me and destroy my desire because 8 months later and I'm still thinking of the OP at some point during the act. Crazy tramp would probably love that...

And I wish I could figure out how to stop the mind movies and I've read the articles. It's NOT working.

How long did they go on for you?

canttrustu

Well. I certainly understand them happening DURING and it SUCKS! Happens to me still. Not as often. At first it was EVERY time now probably every 3-4 times she pops into my head. I call it progress. I can deal with it, It'll pass I hope. What I REALLY care about is her not being in HIS head during(or ever). That would suck majorly. I dont know if she is but I dont think so. Not anymore. Im sure there was a time but hopefully not now.

About the mind movies-4.5 months past dday. Still have them everyday. Nightmares too. But not as many, not as often with the mind movies, nightmares prob 2-3 week now. In the beginning it was everytime I went to sleep. Everytime. But he didnt have sex with her so its not quite so bad as for you. Im so sorry. My h's EA was almost a year long. With a coworker. NC for only a month now because he left his job to get her out of our lives. So its better since I know he's not with her all day. I guess the rest will just take time. Just like for you.

Question for you: do you tell your H about these mind movies you experience during sex or just push thru? I just push thru and never tell him b/c I dont want him thinking "OH GOD, is she thinking about her?" And then suddenly by default- HE is thinking about her. I've had enough of him thinking about her while he's with me to last a lifetime.

StandingInQuicksand

Thanks for asking this, I have wondered the same thing. I am one year out from DD1 when EA was found, but only 9mo from confirming the PA piece. But the sex has not stopped or slowed. I find myself having a bigger drive than my H. I'm so pissed, hurt, and lonely when I don't get any for whatever reason. I have wondered when this might slow or change. I wonder if it's just timed with my "peak" or if I'm so angry/depressed with everything else, that sex is something enjoyable to focus on?

I don't have "mind movies" that much. I do picture them in bed sometimes during sex, which is weird but doesn't play like a hurtful thing to me. It's more like remembering a bit of a porno or previous sexual encounter. But I feel disgusting later that OW was part of anything. It's weird and something I don't understand.

My big issue is not really a movie...just seeing all the places where I spent time with my "friend" makes the rage boil up all the time. Just the thought "he cheated" that pops in my head while I'm having a great day immediately brings those feelings of pain and grief. But they don't play out like a movie. Just triggers I guess.
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Zanna

I'm sorry for what you're going through too. I'd prefer an EA but from what I've heard they are incredibly painful as well so I don't think my pain is worse than yours when it comes the feelings of betrayal.

As for the mind movies, I've just opted to push through. I told him once months ago, when I was going through a bit of an angry phase. But I haven't brought it up since. I'm not jealous of her in the physical sense. It helps that I've seen OW's photos and I know that I'm a lot more attractive and I have a much better body. My H said she wanted him and that was the draw.

Anyway, I don't compare myself and I highly doubt he's thinking of what he calls his huge "affair down" when he's with me but I believe the mind movies come from our privacy being ruined. I don't feel like it's as special and that makes me sad. Worrying that he's thinking of her is not a concern though but I understand that for some people it is.

Zanna

I too find I use sex for comfort. I think on some level, in the beginning especially, it was reassurance he was not thinking of OW. But now I definitely know he feels closer to me now and emotionally connected again, so that makes me feel safer.

I also notice that he seems very happy, very loving and that the more sex we have, the more in love with me he seems. During his A, he was angry, cold and looked at me with hate. Now, he's so loving and sweet and looks at me like I'm so amazing and I think I feel that sex brings about those feelings.

Which is why I wonder if I'm using it as a band-aid...I don't know. All these feelings you experience after betrayal are so confusing.

And I too have moments where I'm having a good conversation with a friend, or reading a book, or whatever, and the thought of "he cheated" will pop into my head, and I'll be filled with so much pain. It all comes flooding back in seconds. I hate that feeling but have not been able to find a way to stop it from happening.

Caribbean Man

I have never experienced this.
But I have read about it. So I have a question.
Is it comparable [ feeling etc]to lets say the sex my wife and I would have if we were separated [ on business, travel etc] for sometime?
Is it more intense emotionally?
I tend to be logical in my analysis.....
So i'm just asking.

Poppy

I can tell you that it is intense, frequent and possibly experimental. It is like you desire this person to desire you with a passion. However, I will also tell you that for me it became a need. I went from barely having sex with my H, due to lack of time together and his preference for porn to having sex at least once a day...mostly twice a day and BJ's and hand jobs when I was on my period. I wanted him to want me. I needed him to want me. I wanted him and the connection was amazing, but I started to be concerned about my motives. 7 or 8 months in if he didnt approach me I became unsettled and initiated it myself. I initiated alot regardless, but this was more like two horny teenagers. I dont know what I am trying to say other than it is intense and a wonderful way to connect and feel loved and reassured, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Value yourself and keep yourself safe mentally and physically.

Zanna

Yes, I would say it's been a lot more emotionally intense and passionate for us. It's actually been the best sex we've had in years and we can't seem to get enough of each other. We sit beside each other in restaurants now, instead of across from each other, and half the time we're just dying to get home so we can get naked. Our dating period and honeymoon could probably only compete with the sex we've had lately.

StandingInQuicksand

^^^ yes, this. I get really upset when he doesn't initiate or flirts around then falls asleep or lets me fall asleep. I always say "wake me the f up!" and same on the time of the month and the experimenting.
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Zanna

Thank-you Poppy for understanding what I was asking as well.

Yes, I am questioning my reasons for HS but not his per say. I know he desires me intensely. He always did, aside from during the beginning of the A. And he used the A to get sex and to try to stop desiring me, according to him.

BUT what are my motivations? That's what I'm exploring right now. Am I doing this for the right reasons? I hope so because it's been wonderful.

And I do feel safe physically and mentally because he has been transparent and has shown true remorse.

Of course there is a part of me that still has doubts. I guess that comes with the territory though.

Zanna

Yep, we've done the experimenting... and the sex toys, etc.

Also, just came across this thread on the subject (if anyone is interested) so it looks like I'm not the only one who has questioned the HS phase, and wondered about its significance.

Masking pain with SEX and false R? (Hysterical Bonding)