Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Part of my confusion comes from the fact that he is 'suddenly' head over heals for me. Yet, its not a better version of me. So Im conflicted.
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In my head, I ask those same questions…
Why am I suddenly good enough for her now? What has really changed?
These are signs that your dear cheaters realize that YOU were not the reason they cheated. THEY are the reason they cheated; the issues lie within them and they know it. (This is good!!!).
It doesn't matter what version of you they saw then or see now or anything; cheating isn't about you. What matters is what version of THEM they were then and are now.
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Originally Posted by norajane
These are signs that your dear cheaters realize that YOU were not the reason they cheated. THEY are the reason they cheated; the issues lie within them and they know it. (This is good!!!).
It doesn't matter what version of you they saw then or see now or anything; cheating isn't about you. What matters is what version of THEM they were then and are now.
Oh HE readily admits it. Like I said when I ask him what I did his answer is "You did nothing wrong. I was a selfish, arrogant ass" and will also say "I live the world according to me. You could have walked on water CTU. It was about my ego. My thinking I was the most important person in the universe" To me, this speaks volumes. He gets it! He says he lacked boundaries and he is fully aware of that now. He has read alot of books and as I said he is in IC to be sure he gets to the bottom of this. Honestly, HE couldnt do more. He is bending over backward. In the R, I am lucky compared to some I see on here. I am thankful for that. It just really hit me when he said I have changed so much. I knew it but didnt know it was so visable to him. He is painfully aware now just how easily EA's start and how much damage they have done to our M.
Just to add- this A is only the second thing that I have seen make him cry in more than 16yrs. When I cry, he cries and apologizes profusely . He says everytime "this will NEVER happen again, that I swear to you."
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
This experience has opened my eyes...I can fully understand now why some people choose to stay and work on it but....at the same time I can see why some people choose to leave and move on.
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
Yes you are making sense. Something changes in you after an affair. I have been there, but you only have two options. Choose to love this man and work it out and try to heal the best you can through reassurance over the coming years and building the trust again (and yes it doesn't take anything short of time and patience) or leave and end this chapter with your husband. He needs to understand the time piece as well because I know men naturally want things over and good again but it doesnt work like that. He needs to realize the trust he once had needs to be earned again unfortunately...But you need to make sure your not unintentionally punishing him constantly for the same indescretion... Does that make sense?
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Originally Posted by sculley
Yes you are making sense. Something changes in you after an affair. I have been there, but you only have two options. Choose to love this man and work it out and try to heal the best you can through reassurance over the coming years and building the trust again (and yes it doesn't take anything short of time and patience) or leave and end this chapter with your husband. He needs to understand the time piece as well because I know men naturally want things over and good again but it doesnt work like that. He needs to realize the trust he once had needs to be earned again unfortunately...But you need to make sure your not unintentionally punishing him constantly for the same indescretion... Does that make sense?
It does make sense. And I have chosen to love him but that does not come without its complications. He does realize he has alot of work to do in regard to earning trust. He is working at it every day and I think I have said over and over how hard he is working and that I feel lucky that he is working so hard. With that said- his work is not a magic and instant fix. I dont feel like Im punishing him constantly but unfortunately(only 4.5 months past dday and 1 month past NC)I havent been able to just wipe it out of my head yet. I havent been able to wake up and see rainbows and unicorns just yet. And that same indescretion lasted for almost a year so its complicated and alot for me to work thru. Im working very hard to do that. Spending all of my time with him. Working toward forgiveness but as I said its only been 4 mos or so. So are you saying because Im not over it that I should decide now to "end this chapter with my H?"
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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So are you saying because Im not over it that I should decide now to "end this chapter with my H?"
You should in no way expect to "be over it" at this point. You are in the early stages of reconciliation. I hate to tell you this, but this healing and rebuilding process will take a very long time, maybe years. That doesn't mean it will feel THIS bad at this intensity for years, but you shouldn't be surprised if triggers still show up now and then a couple of years or more down the line.
At some point, the good will outweigh the bad and you will know you are well on the road to recovery. It will still take time after that.
Some people realize after a while that they can't get over it, or don't want to keep trying to so hard to get over it. That's when you end it. You'll know if you reach that point. You're still near the base of the uphill climb part, just starting out.
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Originally Posted by canttrustu
It does make sense. And I have chosen to love him but that does not come without its complications. He does realize he has alot of work to do in regard to earning trust. He is working at it every day and I think I have said over and over how hard he is working and that I feel lucky that he is working so hard. With that said- his work is not a magic and instant fix. I dont feel like Im punishing him constantly but unfortunately(only 4.5 months past dday and 1 month past NC)I havent been able to just wipe it out of my head yet. I havent been able to wake up and see rainbows and unicorns just yet. And that same indescretion lasted for almost a year so its complicated and alot for me to work thru. Im working very hard to do that. Spending all of my time with him. Working toward forgiveness but as I said its only been 4 mos or so. So are you saying because Im not over it that I should decide now to "end this chapter with my H?"
I am not saying that at all! I am saying you should realize (obvious you made the decision already to stay and stick it out) that it's not gonna happen in 4 months..... Heck mine still hasn't healed and its been 6 months. Everyone is different. He's trying and your noticing that so that's a good thing. Just don't be cold with him especially since he is trying because if you are you could drive him away.
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Just don't be cold with him especially since he is trying because if you are you could drive him away.
This is a tough one. I don't recommend pretending that you are ok if you aren't. It's important to be honest about your feelings at any given time, so if you are feeling upset or troubled or angry or whatever, don't hide it.
He's done plenty of lying and hiding and pretending, so hiding your feelings and pretending you are fine when you aren't is just more lies on top of the lies already between you. Dishonesty breeds distance.
Also, you shouldn't have to pretend that you are ok if you aren't! Certainly not for fear of driving him away! Pretending you are fine will only breed resentment on your part.
At the same time, you don't want to fall into a permanent habit of being cold. Not because of concern that you will drive him away, but because it's not healthy for you to dwell and wallow in the pain and negative feelings. Be conscious of what you are feeling and be open with him about it, but don't let it take over.
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Originally Posted by canttrustu
I dont really know how to respond to this. He is right, I am different. I am sad in my core. I am learning to get thru this. But I have lost my dream to an extent. My dream for the Fairy Tale. That he's the only one for me and I'm the only one for him. I know now just how wrong I was about that. I love him so much but I see him differently now. He is the man I want and love but he is also the man, the person, who has hurt me more than anyone else on earth. He absolutely understands WHY I am different but I fear I wont ever be the girl he once loved. I dont know if he will love the new me. I dont know if this IS the new me or the temorary me. He says "I miss your smile". I miss it too.
Am I making any sense?
Yes. You are different. Your husband's selfishness forever changed you and your marriage.
Your husband needs to accept that and take the blame for it.
Why are you blaming yourself.?
If he can't take the blame and accept the marriage and you will forever be changed, than move on.
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Originally Posted by norajane
This is a tough one. I don't recommend pretending that you are ok if you aren't. It's important to be honest about your feelings at any given time, so if you are feeling upset or troubled or angry or whatever, don't hide it.
He's done plenty of lying and hiding and pretending, so hiding your feelings and pretending you are fine when you aren't is just more lies on top of the lies already between you. Dishonesty breeds distance.
Also, you shouldn't have to pretend that you are ok if you aren't! Certainly not for fear of driving him away! Pretending you are fine will only breed resentment on your part.
At the same time, you don't want to fall into a permanent habit of being cold. Not because of concern that you will drive him away, but because it's not healthy for you to dwell and wallow in the pain and negative feelings. Be conscious of what you are feeling and be open with him about it, but don't let it take over.
Big old yes to this
I made an agreement with the wife- that if trust is ever to be regained that we would need to be completely honest with each other even if we believed it would hurt the other to say it.
that said, there are ways to present your feelings without berating, nagging or being abusive
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Originally Posted by norajane
This is a tough one. I don't recommend pretending that you are ok if you aren't. It's important to be honest about your feelings at any given time, so if you are feeling upset or troubled or angry or whatever, don't hide it.
He's done plenty of lying and hiding and pretending, so hiding your feelings and pretending you are fine when you aren't is just more lies on top of the lies already between you. Dishonesty breeds distance.
Also, you shouldn't have to pretend that you are ok if you aren't! Certainly not for fear of driving him away! Pretending you are fine will only breed resentment on your part.
At the same time, you don't want to fall into a permanent habit of being cold. Not because of concern that you will drive him away, but because it's not healthy for you to dwell and wallow in the pain and negative feelings. Be conscious of what you are feeling and be open with him about it, but don't let it take over.
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
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Originally Posted by Sara8
Yes. You are different. Your husband's selfishness forever changed you and your marriage.
Your husband needs to accept that and take the blame for it.
Why are you blaming yourself.?
If he can't take the blame and accept the marriage and you will forever be changed, than move on.
You will not be losing much.
wow. Im not 'blaming' myself. Im questioning myself. They are different. He does ACCEPT 'blame' . He wasnt saying that the change was without cause or that HE wasnt the cause. He was expressing sadness for the loss. Did you read this thread or just put your .02 in at the end???
Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m
@ AR
we have the same agreement. He has abided by it with an exception or two I think. But when pushed he did give the answer and it wasnt a revalation it was just painful to me to hear and he knew it would be.
He has also wrote in his own handwriting, a Magna Carte of Fidelity for the future. His rules for engaging with other women, especially at work. He wrote them and signed and dated it. He Gave it to me in a frame. I did make the suggestion of writing the rules he was willing to live by but HE was far more in depth and all encompassing than I would have thought to be. Clearly he wrote it based on his EA and how it evolved. It was very revealing and he gave it freely. It was just another step to proving that he was 'all in' when it comes to preventing a repeat in the future.
@Sara8
I didnt start this thread to bash him. I started it to ask about ME.He is one of the most remorseful WS' I've seen on here. He told his mom and his sister what he did. He told our older kids(19 &23). He told his IC. He gave up a GOOD job to end contact. HE IS WORTH IT. AND LOSING HIM WOULD BE EXCRUTIATING B/C he is a good man that made a HORRIBLE choice. He's doing EVERYTHING I ask and more. Now yes, he should do these things BUT read thru CWI and see how many WS' ACTUALLY do what they SHOULD be doing or even half of it.
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Re: His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old m 
well said.. thank you 
