With all due respect, your MC is oversimplifying it. Painting all cases with the same brush. On this site and elsewhere, you find plenty of cases where the WS is plain selfish and has high narcissistic tendancies. I'm sure none of the BS's on this site were perfect in their M. I don't claim I was. But I believe I was pretty good.
I've had 2 separate MC's tried to feed me that "2 sides to every story cr@p". Sometimes there is, I hear you. BUT many times there's not.
And how could the MC even possibly know unless they explore the affair and the CS first. Sorry, very sore point with me.
Well, there are two sides to every story. Unfortunately, most of the time, the cheater's is inaccurate due to self deception and character flaws.
Well, there are two sides to every story. Unfortunately, most of the time, the cheater's is inaccurate due to self deception and character flaws.
No matter how many sides, no matter what the story, no matter how the BS may have contributed to the problems in the marriage, the cheater does not have to cheat. It's a choice, and not the only choice.
In a terrible marriage, people have the option to work on it, separate and consider next steps, or divorce. Someone who is miserable in a marriage may be more susceptible to cheating because of the state of their marriage, but cheating is still a choice. A selfish choice. Conversely, there is nothing unselfish, loving, or giving about cheating.
It can be a number of reasons; loneliness, being attracted to someone, or the other person showing attention to the individual that is lacking at home, sometimes opportunity, strong sexual urges that can't be met at home. There can be a number of reasons it just doesn't happen.. At one point in my life I cheated on my husband and he also has as well
On a radio show the other day , a very well respected counselor, theologian, stated that all the many, cheating husbands he had counseled stated that their affair partner had made them "feel like a man".
I am not really sure what this means, but it sounds like they merely could not handle having their ego stroked. What stood out though was that he said all, not many or most but all.
On a radio show the other day , a very well respected counselor, theologian, stated that all the many, cheating husbands he had counseled stated that their affair partner had made them "feel like a man".
I am not really sure what this means, but it sounds like they merely could not handle having their ego stroked. What stood out though was that he said all, not many or most but all.
I didn't hear the radio show but I could get the same universal answer if I phrased the question to the cheating husband using a leading question such as: 'Did your affair partner make you feel like a man?"
Sara- that is really interesting about the faithful spouse giving more, seriously can't wait for that book to get here. I do find the fact that I was organising loads of nice events/nights away/party for our "significant" birthdays that happened at the time of the EA really goading. Everything we did around that time, however little actual contact he had with her, is now forever soiled and spoilt.
I more than agree.
I have heard of people cheating while the faithful spouse is a caretaker to their spouses aging parent.
What excuse does that cheater have, and how bad can the person taking care of a dying in-law be.
IMO, cheaters are like spoiled children. As soon as things are not going their way they act out, instead of trying to work out a mutually agreeable solution to a problem or issue.
]I can only speak to what my H admits to and what I personally see in OUR situation. Everyone is different.
these are the factors that presented us with a problem
1.Ego, Ego and Ego.
2. Selfishness
3.Lack of boundaries
4. Need for affirmation
5. Being too career oriented. If it didnt involve his job(like she did for example) he simply wasnt interested. SHE was the job.
6. arrogance and self importance
Again, this is our experience and some of the things he is working thru w/ IC.
The act of cheating is selfish no doubt but I have to disagree with the above comment. I know of a woman, a natural born giver for her whole life which one day went down the slipery slope, got all hooked up in a fantasy life, lost touch of reality and finnaly lost ALL. She betrayed herself, first. We love label people, this help us when we have no attachments with them to mark them permanently for one time in the life act and define them forever for this, I understand it, no need to feel any kind of empathy.
No one labeled, the woman you speak of or any cheater. The cheaters slap the label on themselves.
If this woman was unhappy, she could have divorced or sought counseling. Instead she had an affair. Wrong solution.
I know she will claim she was swept away. Hogwash. Most cheaters have been either unconsciously or consciously planning to cheat for years.
I think most cheaters are in denial about this factor.
My own STBEH at least admitted he was looking and open to an affair. I think that is the truth with most but most are in denial about that.
Hey messedup
There was another thread not too long ago discussing can anybody cheat or can any man cheat. Even in a great marriage, I think almost any person can cheat if given the perfect circumstance/situation, especially if there are no repercussions.
For me… I have never cheated, but I came close a couple of times over a 20 year period, but I backed out each time. The women weren’t that assertive and I was also shy at the time.
I think your husband can truly be remorseful. There may be no rhyme or reason. Just ego. I am always flattered when a beautiful woman gives me attention or pays me a complement. I hope I don’t fall for it.. EVER! Forgiveness is the hardest thing to do in a situation like this.
Don't let it eat you up.
Was ie an EA or an PA?
Who isn't flattered when a nice looking human flirts with you. I bet your wife is too.
That's no justification to cheat.
To my mind the only time cheating can be justified is a revenge affair after discovering an infidelity.
At that time, the betrayed spouse is in shock and likely has PTSD and low self esteem directly related to their partners sudden betrayal.
The people who trusted their spouse the most also take it the hardest. I did. I trusted my spouse implicitly.
I chose not to debase myself by having a revenge affair although the opportunity with his single best friend (frenemy to my mind) was there.
Still, if a betrayed spouse cheats they have a good reason for being out of their mind. This sort of affair should be readily forgiven because it is much easier to understand the root cause.
The original cheating spouse's root cause is much more ingrained in their inner core, the cheating is not prompted by an outside traumatic factor.
IMO, the majority of affairs, if not all, are done because the cheater is angry and resentful toward the BS. It is an act of vengence. On some level, the cheater wants to inflict damage on the BS.
Yes. My spouse told a counselor exactly this.
But I was resentful about things, too. His frequent what I then thought were men's camping trips and boy's nights out.
I asked for counseling to discuss the frequency of these, of course he refused.
I don't believe resentment is the initial factor but it becomes one of the major justifications for having and continuing the affair. But I do believe that the ego gratifying attention received is by far the most seductive initial factor for the boundary weak (a sign of a character challenged spouse) spouse.
On a radio show the other day , a very well respected counselor, theologian, stated that all the many, cheating husbands he had counseled stated that their affair partner had made them "feel like a man".
I am not really sure what this means, but it sounds like they merely could not handle having their ego stroked. What stood out though was that he said all, not many or most but all.
Interesting comment by the counselor. Thank you for posting it.
It's interesting my STBEH said the OW made him feel flattered and just her interest in him made him feel good about himself.
Yet, the reality was that this OW was badmouthing her faithful spouse a spouse whom she claimed neglected her because he worked hard to pay for the lavish lifestyle she insisted upon.
She told my husband her husband had a hairy body. She wanted to puke when they had sex.
She tried to avoid sex with him, he was balding, dressed like a slob because he wore old jeans and a t shirt when not working, and on and on.
This unsuspecting husband the OW says all these mean things about is wealthy, faithful and nice. He always seemed dressed well when I saw him, and he seemed equal to her looks wise.
So the OW's husband wanted to dress comfortably when home. So what?
Did my STBEH not realize that it wouldn't be long before she was thinking the same about him.
My STEH dresses exactly the way the OW claimed to hate, when not working, or socializing, too.
He also has some bad habits typically only revealed in a long term marriage. Like burping and farting too much.
I laughed when he did those things and said it was normal and natural. I have a lot of brothers who did worse things than that so I was not shocked by it.
I bet the OW wouldn't find it funny. She was way too prissy and into perfection.
Exactly why affairs are entirely based on fantasy. The APs only see each other at their best, when they are made up, dressed nice, etc. The bad habits aren't seen because they don't live with them day in, day out. Just like when a WW wears sexy lingerie for her OM that she never normally wears. Real life doesn't intrude into their relationship, and that's part of the reason 97% of these relationships fail.
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Re: Is there always a reason? 
o
