As hard as it was to listen to her say those things, it sounds like the two of you have turned a corner. Now wether or not that means R will happen is up in the air.
Just keep talking to her. Insist that the two of you start spending at least 15 hours a week of quality time together: walking, talking, going shopping .... you know, acting like a couple again? Get out of the house and do something together. Insist on holding her hand while you are walking together. These little things reinforce marital bonds.
Sounds to me like she is disconnected. I think she's ashamed of what she did but does not know how to translate that into the healing remorse you need her to show you. She loves you but the two of you are in a rut. Figure out together how to get out of the rut.
Keep listening to the VARs. Honestly, if she was hot and heavy in an affair with someone she would have called him the minute you were out the door. You would have gotten evidence on that first recording.
If you are suspicious of any recent sex activity go over her laundry and test it with a "semen test kit". Although not 100% you'll find something, it seems cheaters almost always have unprotected sex.
"Why no remorse over the 2 days we had to talk about things before you were back at work? Or a serious lack of it from where I was sitting? And in the weeks and months that came after that?"
"I was trying to put things together in my head. I wanted to know why the OM lied about what we talked about. I know it's my word against his. I put those feelings first. I'm selfish. I know that. After thinking about it and realizing it was just sex for him I didn't need to know anymore. I still do wish I had the answers but they aren't important enough to me anymore. I tried to make things better but didn't know how without bringing up everything. I wanted to avoid everything that happened."
Here's the key paragraph. She had a couple of days to work on her answers and on how to spin it.
I give the OM's story slightly more weight than hers. He had nothing more to lose, was not invested in your marriage. Your wife is the opposite.
She was looking for sex. That's obvious in what she said and did. She did not friend-zoned him.
Anyways, give yourself time, lots of time, to deal with this.
Okay, this is the first time she was alone with this guy and she got so excited that she allowed him to start undressing her at a party with other people around including her husband? I thought this only happened in my fantasies when I was a teenage boy.
I wished my wife was as honest and open as yours seemed to be. It is painful but man you got a lot from her in a short period of time. For most of us we don't get it at all.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Yeah, you mentioned this before. I read through it. I plan on getting the book when I have time. I'm a bit focused on work. Don't know why.
Just from this sentence, I would say you're wife isn't the only one who is disconnected from the marriage. I think you can download the book MMSL assuming you have time to save your marriage. OM had plenty of time.
Just from this sentence, I would say you're wife isn't the only one who is disconnected from the marriage. I think you can download the book MMSL assuming you have time to save your marriage. OM had plenty of time.
Work helped me stay sane for a few hours during the day. There were times I wanted to lash out, but kept my cool. I knew I would be able to do something else, more constructive with the anger. It went into work.
No drinking, which was my painkiller for a few days/week.
I downloaded the book and I'm just getting into it. Still in the Alpha/Beta male traits and chemical reactions part. Makes sense from a biological/physiological point of view, but I always thought that being the person you ARE is the reason you are loved. Making changes to be someone you're not seems a bit like role-play only difference is you're role-playing a husband you're not.
BUT, I have yet to finish the book and this is only after about 20 minutes of reading.
I would like to fix things, I would like to trust her to be honest. One thing is for sure, she knows that without a doubt that there is no room for error.
Yesterday she came home with more deserts, stuff she doesn't usually buy for me. Just like the pie the other day. I don't eat a lot of sugar so she knows what I will and won't eat. Perhaps she was feeling a bit guilty? I don't know.
As to why she felt all tingly with the OM but not with me I think is simply because I didn't give her that fix of dopamine (I think that's the chemical). Something I'm doing or not doing. She doesn't know or at least should wouldn't tell me why she lacked that feeling. Certainly wasn't easy to hear.
As to why she felt all tingly with the OM but not with me I think is simply because I didn't give her that fix of dopamine (I think that's the chemical). Something I'm doing or not doing. She doesn't know or at least should wouldn't tell me why she lacked that feeling. Certainly wasn't easy to hear.
That`s what MMSL will teach you.
It`s not about being "someone you`re not" it`s about giving to your wife the things she herself doesn`t realize she needs.
Lack of trust and alcohol aren't a good mix, OP. I would lose the alcohol immediately as you need a clear mind to deal with all of this.
You don't seem too keen on MC but, frankly, without some form of 'intervention,' I don't know how your trust issues can be resolved. Somewhere down the line you and your W lost the deep bond that you once had, and you both need to find that connection again.
What your wife did to you was disgraceful and, IMO, until that whole affair is put to rest once and for all, there's going to be a disconnect between you. It seems to me that there are a number of unanswered questions here, and they need to be answered in order for you to feel comfortable with your W again.
In a situation like this, OP, I really do think that MC is worth a try. Time to get all those unanswered questions out from under the carpet, and have a clean sweep in the presence of an unbiased third party.
Does MC work for everybody, or a good percentage of people? What do I look for in a MC? I may go alone at first, but is that a sign of weakness to my wife?
Reading more into it, I see that it is about bettering yourself. I haven't finished but when I do I'm sure I'll have some questions. I can't figure out of I'm an Alpha or a Beta or what percentage of either.
Physically, I've put on some weight. I developed sleep apnea. I started back at the gym 2 years ago and go through my ups and downs as far as exercise vs work. I'm going to try and put some of my work on hold and spend more time at the gym.
My clothes are boring, I'm not a fashionable person. I don't know what looks good together. If I have to wear a suit, I have a ton to choose from, just nothing special. Regular work days though, I'm a jeans and shirt kind of guy. She's more into the fashion. Maybe it's time to get in shape to get some new clothes.
Maybe I haven't read far enough yet but who did you all figure out where you needed to work on?
Something like this knocks our self-esteem big time, and self-care is a good way of helping to restore it. The gym is a good idea, and perhaps brightening up your wardrobe with some new clothes is another - for you. This is about making you feel better about yourself, OP.
Regarding MC: If you have a toothache, you go to the dentist - so I don't see how seeking professional help for a serious problem in your marriage could be seen as a weakness by your wife. You would be trying to fix something rather than letting it decay and losing it... Personally, I would see it as a sign of strength.
You might want to ask your GP for the names of a few good MCs in your area.
Your goal for self-improvement is NOT for her benefit but yours and yours only, if she becomes strongly attracted to you that is just simply a side effect NOT the purpose. Your self-improvement transcends everything, including your marriage.
I wished my wife was as honest and open as yours seemed to be. It is painful but man you got a lot from her in a short period of time. For most of us we don't get it at all.
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I agree with Thorburn. Man I thought I was a harda*s, but there are posters on this thread who want this woman's scalp on a stick. From my vantage point she has been direct and honest with her husband, has cut off contact with the OM and at least on the surface seems to be remorseful. Yes, she has serious issues and low self esteem, and seems scared she is going to lose her husband and marriage. I can't see what more she cando to show she is sorry and wants to change. So what do you people want? Would it please you if we set up some stocks in the town square and pillory her? Let little kids throw rotten veggies at her?. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: I love my wife, but twice will destroy us. 
Okay, this is the first time she was alone with this guy and she got so excited that she allowed him to start undressing her at a party with other people around including her husband? I thought this only happened in my fantasies when I was a teenage boy.
o
