People hate this concept. But, I think you are entitled to go get laid by someone who can rock your world, too. Your wife describes mind blowing sex etc. Where is your share of this?
Immature, two wrongs etc. I know.
But, when you get to the end of your life, your wife will have had a lot more pleasure than you ever had. Petty, eh?
People hate this concept. But, I think you are entitled to go get laid by someone who can rock your world, too. Your wife describes mind blowing sex etc. Where is your share of this?
Immature, two wrongs etc. I know.
But, when you get to the end of your life, your wife will have had a lot more pleasure than you ever had. Petty, eh?
Maybe petty, but real life human nature.
I was a 17 yr old virgin when I met my wife. She'd had 3 lovers (that she admits to...). So of course at the time my adolescent ego was threatened. Today it truly does not matter to me that she had other men before we met. I still do have an occasional twinge of curiosity about what it would be like being with other women. But if what we have together is good, I can choose to enjoy what I have. It would not be worth giving up all the good just to have a few other experiences.
But when I think about her having an affair? You're dead nuts on target that I would feel that she has taken a lot from me, and I would want to have those other experiences. The illegitimacy of her having great sex in an affair would void any justification for compromising to stay with her.
Do cheaters really think that betrayed spouses were all whooping it up in the marriage of their wildest dreams? That our needs were being met constantly by spouses who were falling all over themselves to show us love, affection, sex, what have you?
Think again!
It all boils down to how one handles the problems in marriage.
I was the one who BEGGED my husband to tell me why he was so distant. I was SURE there was someone else. Turns out there was--it just took him leaving a secret email account open on our home computer for me to find out. That was a good 4 to 6 months after I first starting begging for answers to his distance.
I didn't choose to cheat, and I never will. At least I can live with that shred of self-dignity, when all is said and done.
Excellent points, all of them.
No marriage is perfect.
The faithful spouses make a choice to stick it out and hope the rough patch passes, if the communication attempts fail.
The cheater makes the choice to cheat rather than communicate their issues.
B1 The ups and downs will be there for sometime. There are days I just think I am done. Then there are days that I know we can work on this. I still am a long way from trusting her again
I have missed some posts here. Has she had to deal with any public humilation with this family, friends. Exposure to others in her life will zap that fog away more quickly. Do your kids know and how did they react?
How are all these comments helpful to their attempts at R? Granted that there are those of us for whom a PA is a deal breaker but since both have chosen to R, why foster toxic anger and bitterness in their hearts?
I am even agry that the SOB
just tossed her aside after the going got tough, after he knew I knew he was done with her, she was used and as odd as that
sounds, I am pi$$ed about that, is that crazy or what?
Your wife is not probably in a emotional place to Understand (Capitals, admit it at a core level) the meaning of it. This is no more than a obvious testament of how much you love your wife, despite what your actions all those years might say otherwise. Feeling you have to protect her and heal her broken heart over some POS speak symphonies of the depths and intensity of your love for her. At the end of the day, empathy is a technical, psychological name for one the more beatiful virtues of human beings; compassion (literaly, etymologically, the desire to share the pain, to pain with, in orden to light the burden off our loved ones).
I think you have the heart in the right place and I hope and feel your wife knows it, hopelly she will be able show you she's gratefut for that once those filters in she percieve things and resentments go away with time.
I don't have a lot of time right now, but I just wanted to make a quick post. We have had so many ups and downs for the last 3 1/2 weeks. Even yesterday we were discussing a possible separation. But, the absolute pure selfless love that my H has shown for me throughout this, when he is in so much of his own pain, has made me feel like the most loved, cherished, desired and adored woman on the planet. He has been carefully playing a balancing act of a man in need of healing and man who needs to protect and heal his wife. Even if the wife is the one who caused him the pain. Many of you, who are hurting yourself from betrayals, have almost seemed to want him to exact some kind of vigilante justice. My H was never intentionally unkind to me, never a bad person, he simply went from being a quiet, reserved man to a completely 100% shut down man. My heart ached for so long. Loneliness and lack of emotional and physical intimacy has destroyed many marriages. I did communicate my needs. But, he was more guarded than Ft. Knox. That wasn't from anything that had happened in our marriage but from long held scars from childhood. The, apparent, lack of remorse on my part that so many of you were infuriated about in my initial posts was my way of guarding my heart from opening back up to a man who had emotionally abandoned me a long time ago.
The man that I'm married to today has rediscovered all of the wonderful qualities of the barely just legal age boy that I married 28 years ago, but he is so filled with emotions and the capacity to express his love right now that he bears little resemblance to him in any other way. I've changed, too. I'm not sure why we had to go through all that we did to get to where we are. But, I am very, very grateful. I'm scared, too. I'm afraid that this is all just some fantasy that can't last. I hope it does! Now, it's my turn to help him heal and I'm really excited about every new moment that we get to spend together.
It's nice that he's rewarding your betrayal, a long term affair with so much love, that he was never unkind to you. How did you repay that?
And now its your turn to help him heal? Seriously? You should have been helping him heal from the start! You should be on your knees thanking him every day for not leaving you like he should.
You should be busting your ass to help him like writing that No Contact letter, ending it with your OM, throwing out the necklace and all momentos of the affair, being transparent, etc. Your post is STILL FULL of self entitlement. You should have been doing this since DDay!
You haven't learned a single thing. You think you can betray someone for so long and get a better husand in return. Its all about you.
Sigh....hope she doesn't sabotage this R. Too much lovey-dovey too soon. I don't want to be around when she emerges from the fantasy and the magnitude of what she did hits her like a runaway river barge. Posted via Mobile Device
If she sabotages this reconcilliation, it will be with the help of a lot of our own posters. Thank God quite a few posters have been banned lately. I really think several posters get off on stirring up trouble. They do not get what this site is all about. Unfortunately I think they might be just a little sick in the head to.
If she sabotages this reconcilliation, it will be with the help of a lot of our own posters. Thank God quite a few posters have been banned lately. I really think several posters get off on stirring up trouble. They do not get what this site is all about. Unfortunately I think they might be just a little sick in the head to.
If she sabotages R, then it will be her own doing by her actions. She's still in the fog, do you seriously think she takes what we say to heart? By her own admission, she says we are biased by our experiences.
Sure some people can go overboard, most of them are not very far from their own DDay and are projecting their anger which is to be expected considering the circumstances.
If she sabotages this reconcilliation, it will be with the help of a lot of our own posters. Thank God quite a few posters have been banned lately. I really think several posters get off on stirring up trouble. They do not get what this site is all about. Unfortunately I think they might be just a little sick in the head to.
The fact that some posters have a different view of things does not justify banning them, as long as their views are expressed respectfully.
Enlighten me. Is there some rule on this site that one cannot advocate for the benefits of divorce? Many therapists recommend it as the fastest way to heal.
I think consideration should be given to divorce after infidelity and the advantages discussed. This is not marriagebuilders, after all.
People hate this concept. But, I think you are entitled to go get laid by someone who can rock your world, too. Your wife describes mind blowing sex etc. Where is your share of this?
Immature, two wrongs etc. I know.
But, when you get to the end of your life, your wife will have had a lot more pleasure than you ever had. Petty, eh?
My wife was always a fantastic lover, back before I shut down we had had fantastic\amazing sex but that was 10+ years ago. Long long forgotten.
As tough as it is to say....The OM made her feel good again, loved, desired, wanted etc. something I did not do in any way whatsoever. That's why the sex was so good with OM, women, or at least my wife is a very emotional being, and knowing your wanted and desired has a VERY strong effect on them\her. I did not want her nor desire her these past few years this was from depression, very low testosterone and emotional baggage. She tried so many times to seduce me with sexy clothes, toys, talk, candles, even getting a hotel once. I turned her away EVERY time. That's on me.
Now with beating depression and the T-injections, counseling I am becoming a very different man. I can offer the love, desire, the want etc. I am in touch with my emotions like never before, sucks sometimes because of this pain but I am "feeling" and that's a good thing.
Yes, we have a very long and hard road ahead of us but I have truly changed and I have so much to offer now and I know she is very capable of rocking my world, and now I can hopefully rock hers.. admittedly this is a sore subject for me, it's not easy, it hurts, but again, I sucked as a husband for many years and put her through hell with my wall of silence and constant rejections. SO as she said today, our old marriage is dead, she will never go back to that, and you know what, I wont either.
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Re: Wife's affair, how to move forward? 
