Your wife is filled with excuses, justifications and hardly any reasons to stay with you other than your child's needs, financial security (since she is a SAHM) and there's not one mention of love other than to say it is a fraternal like love. She still pines for OM, mentions how great he is in the sack and how the only reason it is NC for now is because he stopped it until she D's.
You have not one iota of a remorseful spouse to have a successful R
She has stopped all contact, I have FB passwords, cell records etc. NC is established. Now that he knows I know and that I actually do care she says he would never contact her now, and she has promised not to contact him. She admits it's not easy and the days are long but she says she has to get over him and move on...now the question is, is it with me or without me. I have to decide that. Still not 100% sure what we all want here...she doesn't want me to call him and tell him to NC, she says it would crush him. She is still very concerned about his feelings. Can a marriage work through something like this?
is it even possible?
Not only has your trust in her has been broken but her trust in you as well. From her POV, she doesn't believe that you can ever be capable of being the man she needs and is bitter and resentful of any attempts on your part to change when she tried many times in the past to get you to be the husband she needed. She sees them as insincere, too little too late. Don't get me wrong, what she did was totally wrong and cowardly for she had the option to divorce you so she could then find a man who would satisfy her needs.
My suggestion is to divorce her and move on. As Hicks said, this is an opportunity for you to improve as a man BUT in another relationship with another woman.
She has stopped all contact, I have FB passwords, cell records etc. NC is established. Now that he knows I know and that I actually do care she says he would never contact her now, and she has promised not to contact him. She admits it's not easy and the days are long but she says she has to get over him and move on...now the question is, is it with me or without me. I have to decide that. Still not 100% sure what we all want here...she doesn't want me to call him and tell him to NC, she says it would crush him. She is still very concerned about his feelings. Can a marriage work through something like this?
is it even possible?
Having facebook passwords and the cell records aren't enough by themselves! Do you realize how very easy it is to create a secret facebook account or email account? Do you know just how easy it is to get one of those disposable pay as you go burner phones? My own WW created a secret facebook account that I didn't know about.
She LOVES the OM. She will break NC, guarantee it. One of them will fish for renewed contact. It will be something as simple as "how are you, are you okay, missing you, etc, etc."
She's already admitted like others have said, that OM is a sex god. How can you move forward from something like this. You're going to be experiencing the mind movies (images of them having sex in your head).
Get this through your head: You are the backup plan. You are only the babysitter, the one who pays the bills. You are just the second choice that she has to settle for so it won't upset her comfortable life as a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM).
Your WW is one of the worst kinds of cheaters: The cake eater. She wants to keep the safety and security of marriage, while having the freedom to have her OM. In other words, you are just being used for financial security. That's all. Sorry if that's harsh, but its the truth.
if I had to be a bookmaker here and set the odds on what would happen if you stayed:
1.1 to 1: affair starts up again and goes underground (if it isn't already underground right now), maybe in another year or three, she finally leaves you
150 to 1: She stays NC but rugsweeps and never admits fault or works on the marriage or helps you heal, marriage stays lackluster sexless and overall crappy. Maybe a fleeting moment of happiness here and there but overall pure limbo and hell. You try your best to be a great husband but it never works as it takes two to make a marriage work.
1000 to 1: she makes a miraculous turn around and really changes and becomes the wife you always wanted, takes full blame for the affair and does everything you need to heal.
(Odds are based on this particular situation, not overall R attempts)
She has stopped all contact, I have FB passwords, cell records etc. NC is established. Now that he knows I know and that I actually do care she says he would never contact her now, and she has promised not to contact him. She admits it's not easy and the days are long but she says she has to get over him and move on...now the question is, is it with me or without me. I have to decide that. Still not 100% sure what we all want here...she doesn't want me to call him and tell him to NC, she says it would crush him. She is still very concerned about his feelings. Can a marriage work through something like this?
is it even possible?
And you give a f*ck about it because ? And what about your feelings? Look, she wants to be in good terms with him in case her half-assed attempt at R with you doesn't work. Atleast that tells you how serious she is about the marriage.
And what is wrong with you? Why do you want her back now? You made a mistake of ignoring her all these years and now you want her back for some unknown reasons. make a proper decision atleast once. Sometimes, it is for the best to let go. Imagine how your marriage needs to be in the best case scenario if you indeed R. Do you see that happening?
She has stopped all contact, I have FB passwords, cell records etc. NC is established. Now that he knows I know and that I actually do care she says he would never contact her now, and she has promised not to contact him. She admits it's not easy and the days are long but she says she has to get over him and move on...now the question is, is it with me or without me. I have to decide that. Still not 100% sure what we all want here...she doesn't want me to call him and tell him to NC, she says it would crush him. She is still very concerned about his feelings. Can a marriage work through something like this?
is it even possible?
We here are not emotionally invested in your relationship. So, our eyes are clearer. You need to see it this way...
The other man (OM) is letting her go. He had his fun with her for 18 months and is now getting bored with her.
She is getting dumped by the OM. No doubt about that.
Her heart and mind and soul are still with the other man. She has lost her love for you.
Even if she stays with you now, her soul has left the relationship. If she stays, or you take her back, the relationship will be based on pity or desperation -- and that's fatal to your spirit.
Realize her cheating is 100% on her. She had many other choices before she started to cheat -- for example, do a separation/divorce. Or, see a counselor before the adultery. Or, insisted that you see a doctor for checkup.
She's in her 50's. The OM has lots of choices of women in that age bracket. Why would he even want to burden himself with the baggage she has now? He also knows she's a cheater.
Give yourself time. In a few months, you'll see that you have choices. Dont make the decision to reconcile with her yet. She spent the last 2 years deceiving you. Give yourself some time to come to terms with that.
It's clear OP is in his own fog right now. We can tell him LOGiCALLY what makes sense but he won't do it. Because he is still in love w/ a fantasy. Much like his wife is.
She has stopped all contact, I have FB passwords, cell records etc. NC is established. Now that he knows I know and that I actually do care she says he would never contact her now, and she has promised not to contact him. She admits it's not easy and the days are long but she says she has to get over him and move on...now the question is, is it with me or without me. I have to decide that. Still not 100% sure what we all want here...she doesn't want me to call him and tell him to NC, she says it would crush him. She is still very concerned about his feelings. Can a marriage work through something like this?
is it even possible?
And? CRUSH HIM! You have no reason to spare the OM feelings. For that matter, your WW feelings shouldn't cloud your judgement here either. Send a NC letter to this man, whether your wife likes it or not. If she doesn't like it... SHOW HER THE DOOR!
1000 to 1: she makes a miraculous turn around and really changes and becomes the wife you always wanted, takes full blame for the affair and does everything you need to heal.
Well, if this one, then she can perhaps (now that she has the experience with a sex god) teach her husband some of the sex god moves.
But, oh, what a trigger that would be for the both of them!
"am I an idiot for wanting to work it out, is it possible, can I trust again, when will my imagination stop running wild?"
Take it from a guy who was an idiot for over twenty years:
Yes, you are being an idiot to think you can ever trust this woman again.
Move on and try to do better with your next love interest should you decide to have another.
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Re: Wife's affair, how to move forward? 
