Pain is somehow narcissistic. Hard to swallow grieving AP is pain but it is, so they are more or less void of empathy. Once the process ends they will be ashamed not only for the betrayal but the bahavior in inmediate aftermath. Hopely.
Completely out of line for her to be grieving her affair in front of you or even mentioning grieving over it. That is just way insensitive.
Just re-read "After the Affair" and Springs talks about how inappropriate it is for a cheater to demonstrate grief over the loss of the affair partner.
It's okay that she feels this, I guess. But, she has to suck it up and keep that crap to herself.
You've been hurt enough. SHe needs to stop that.
If you don't like long stories, then you might want to skip this one:
I am so tired of this..... No matter what I say or do.... it makes no difference, I am ripped to shreds. I have been told, repeatedly, that I have to have complete transparency with my husband. Answer ALL questions even if they require a tape measure (yes, someone on this site said that.) I was told that I was to answer questions even if they involved the depth of my feelings for the OM so that my H could make an informed decision about R. You know guys, I, too, have the SAME decision to make. I was told that for the rest of my life, I no longer have ANY rights in this marriage. I am simply supposed to spend the rest of my life making this up to him. For the life of me I have NO IDEA why anyone would remain in a marriage when they have no rights. So, if my H asks me a direct question about my feelings for the OM and I answer him, honestly, and he realizes that I am grieving (because I answered, honestly)..... well, really I have no idea what you all expect of me. Big Liam, you LOVE to keep telling my H that the Low T wasn't his fault. While that is true, his lack of kindness and compassion to me during that time was a choice HE made in order to push me away when he didn't have the answers as to why he lacked desire. So, out of his frustration, he made the choice to belittle and humiliate me. Using words like "fat, horny, B!tch" when I weighed about 100 lbs was on him..... NOT ME. When we took a trip with some friends to Gatlinberg on our 25th anniversary and he announced that he had a headache and he was asked "why," and he responded with "I didn't take my meds because she expects sex later," was on him... not me. On our honeymoon when I weighed exactly 104 lbs he told me that I couldn't wear the sexy little lingerie that I had received as a shower gift because of "my legs." Meaning the cellulite on my legs was just too offensive to him. He also questioned me as to why I hadn't gotten down to 95 lbs before the wedding, as promised. I responded that I didn't want to get in the same shape as I had in my senior year of high school when I "started" a diet at the weight of 104 lbs and finished it 3 months later at 78 lbs on the day I graduated. Unfortunately, I passed out on the bus one day due to dehydration, and I didn't have periods for 6 months.... all while trying to be "attractive enough" to get his approval. Phrases like, "It's only sex, is it really that important?" were meant to make me feel ashamed of expressing my needs. Unlike many of you, who seem to think intimacy is simply an unnecessary option, and that withholding it from your spouse is NOT JUSTIFICATION for an affair...... I am not ashamed to say that I'm a sexual being. I need, both, emotional and physical intimacy. But this is about sooooooo much more than sex. This is about the very heart of a woman. As Fvstringpicker stated on my thread, "If your spouse makes you feel like an undesirable slug, you'll prove them wrong."
I have stated the facts, repeatedly, because I am repeatedly verbally attacked. So, I am just going to say it.... The reason that it appears that I am blaming my husband for my affair is because I do think that he bears a GREAT DEAL of the responsibility. Now, all of a sudden, after 31 years together, he has "found his emotions and he is no longer sexually inhibited." Ohhhhhhh, it wasn't that I wasn't attractive enough, or thin enough or desirable enough???? Now, he finds me beautiful, desirable, sexual and he can't keep his hands off of me. NOW, after 31 years...... WTF....???? Pardon me if I'm finding it all a little hard to swallow. Before you all lynch me with the diatribe about how I should have gotten a divorce, I am just going to say this..... when you can barely afford to live under one roof together, you sure as Hell can't afford to live under two. When it takes all you've got to physically raise a special needs child, who is 23 years old, bigger than me, cannot bear any weight on his legs and must be lifted several times throughout the day in and out of a wheelchair, have his diapers changed, be showered, dressed, groomed, fed, etc..... and you have 4 other able-bodied males in the house and you don't work outside of the home..... can you imagine how difficult it might be to do this all alone and working????? Our home is handicapped accessible, but many of you have suggested my H put me out of our home, pack my "things" in boxes or garbage bags and put them in the driveway, tell me to pick them up and then have me served with divorce papers. Do those "things" include our son? I would never ask my husband to leave his home that he works and pays for. But, I worked for the first 8 years of our marriage and contributed financially to the household. My parents put $100,000.00 equity into this house..... it's gone, now, mostly because of medical expenses, etc., but does none of that count?
So, why do I want to R, now? I think, at this point, my H and I are trying to see if we can, because in spite of it all..... my H has many wonderful qualities, too, which I have been very truthful about. And, even though I get blasted every time I say this, in the last few weeks, he has been everything I ever hoped or dreamed he could be. He has been my rock throughout this. We had a wonderful day, yesterday, and it gave us, both, so much hope.... it was 31 years to the day of our very first date.... a blind date. I know, I cheated, the ultimate sin (according to TAM)...... Because I cheated, then the job of repairing our marriage is ALL ON ME.... I HAVE SO MUCH TO MAKE UP FOR (per TAM.) Well, you know what? I can't give any more than I'm giving right now. I am giving everything that I, honestly, have to give. I don't think that I can truly help him heal until I have done some healing of my own. He is only, just now, realizing the hurt that he inflicted upon me all of these years. I'm going to need some time of my own. I have been extremely careful with my words on this thread, up to now, out of my love and respect for him (yes, I do love and respect him.) Now, I know that you guys will have a field day with this one..... and will, like vultures, tear me to shreds. I don't really care any more because I won't be coming back on to see it. Some of you have been extremely helpful. I thank you for that. I can handle constructive criticism, that's why I posted our story. But, for those of you who do nothing more than spew your hateful venom I have nothing but pity for you. You are, obviously, deeply wounded. H and I are, too. I don't feel like this site is helping us. Yesterday, I posted about what a lovely day that we had just experienced. I thought that it was a positive sign for us. I knew that every day wouldn't be like that and that we had so much work ahead of us. But, you all ripped me apart for that, as well. I give.... H and I will still continue trying to repair our marriage. He may or may not post.... that's up to him.
My first Xw conducted a series of affairs while I worked full time and did 95a% of the caring foe our disabled son(got three hernias as he became bigger and stronger) . Had to carry him everywhere for years(my arms were ripped)
Your H needs to figure out why he reacted so cruelly to your advances.
Myfirst wife woke me from a sound sleep one night when she had been out with a younger man. She went on and described his physique in detail. I still cannot fathom that degree of cruelty.
E.I. no one hates you, even if you feel like that. There are some FWW on here that are still posting, and were no different then you.
Don't take it personally. When you only hear half the story its easy to get the wrong impression.
You both have some heavy lifting to do. Reconcilling is hard, but if its what you BOTH want for the right reasons it makes it easier.
Just remember its not easy, and you will both have good days, and bad days.
sometimes you have to take a couple steps back before you can move forward.
Keep posting. I think its a helpful, and probably more so in your situation, since both of you can read, think, and then reply.
Betrayed, this is why I initially stressed you have to do alot of the heavy lifting to save your marriage. This affair is not like what we normally see on TAM hence the kneejerk reaction to deride and verbally abuse your wife. Many didn't bother to read through the lines because they assumed they heard it all before. There also appears to be a permeating black/white logic about people's circumstances lately.
I know that you take responsibility for the way your marriage disintegrated and I'm not going to start bashing you either. Just realise it's a miracle your wife hasn't completely checked out and you still have a chance to repair things. I think you should both get the therapy you need and temper your expectancy of your wife. This took 3 decades in the making and women are emotional beings. Feelings don't repair as quickly or as easily as physical trauma. Just remind yourselves of the good days you had and sober them with the challenges that will come ahead.
Myfirst wife woke me from a sound sleep one night when she had been out with a younger man. She went on and described his physique in detail. I still cannot fathom that degree of cruelty.
oh wow. Did you sleep after that?
Maybe I missed it but have you posted your story? Posted via Mobile Device
If you don't like long stories, then you might want to skip this one:
I am so tired of this..... No matter what I say or do.... it makes no difference, I am ripped to shreds. I have been told, repeatedly, that I have to have complete transparency with my husband. Answer ALL questions even if they require a tape measure (yes, someone on this site said that.) I was told that I was to answer questions even if they involved the depth of my feelings for the OM so that my H could make an informed decision about R. You know guys, I, too, have the SAME decision to make. I was told that for the rest of my life, I no longer have ANY rights in this marriage. I am simply supposed to spend the rest of my life making this up to him. For the life of me I have NO IDEA why anyone would remain in a marriage when they have no rights. So, if my H asks me a direct question about my feelings for the OM and I answer him, honestly, and he realizes that I am grieving (because I answered, honestly)..... well, really I have no idea what you all expect of me. Big Liam, you LOVE to keep telling my H that the Low T wasn't his fault. While that is true, his lack of kindness and compassion to me during that time was a choice HE made in order to push me away when he didn't have the answers as to why he lacked desire. So, out of his frustration, he made the choice to belittle and humiliate me. Using words like "fat, horny, B!tch" when I weighed about 100 lbs was on him..... NOT ME. When we took a trip with some friends to Gatlinberg on our 25th anniversary and he announced that he had a headache and he was asked "why," and he responded with "I didn't take my meds because she expects sex later," was on him... not me. On our honeymoon when I weighed exactly 104 lbs he told me that I couldn't wear the sexy little lingerie that I had received as a shower gift because of "my legs." Meaning the cellulite on my legs was just too offensive to him. He also questioned me as to why I hadn't gotten down to 95 lbs before the wedding, as promised. I responded that I didn't want to get in the same shape as I had in my senior year of high school when I "started" a diet at the weight of 104 lbs and finished it 3 months later at 78 lbs on the day I graduated. Unfortunately, I passed out on the bus one day due to dehydration, and I didn't have periods for 6 months.... all while trying to be "attractive enough" to get his approval. Phrases like, "It's only sex, is it really that important?" were meant to make me feel ashamed of expressing my needs. Unlike many of you, who seem to think intimacy is simply an unnecessary option, and that withholding it from your spouse is NOT JUSTIFICATION for an affair...... I am not ashamed to say that I'm a sexual being. I need, both, emotional and physical intimacy. But this is about sooooooo much more than sex. This is about the very heart of a woman. As Fvstringpicker stated on my thread, "If your spouse makes you feel like an undesirable slug, you'll prove them wrong."
I have stated the facts, repeatedly, because I am repeatedly verbally attacked. So, I am just going to say it.... The reason that it appears that I am blaming my husband for my affair is because I do think that he bears a GREAT DEAL of the responsibility. Now, all of a sudden, after 31 years together, he has "found his emotions and he is no longer sexually inhibited." Ohhhhhhh, it wasn't that I wasn't attractive enough, or thin enough or desirable enough???? Now, he finds me beautiful, desirable, sexual and he can't keep his hands off of me. NOW, after 31 years...... WTF....???? Pardon me if I'm finding it all a little hard to swallow. Before you all lynch me with the diatribe about how I should have gotten a divorce, I am just going to say this..... when you can barely afford to live under one roof together, you sure as Hell can't afford to live under two. When it takes all you've got to physically raise a special needs child, who is 23 years old, bigger than me, cannot bear any weight on his legs and must be lifted several times throughout the day in and out of a wheelchair, have his diapers changed, be showered, dressed, groomed, fed, etc..... and you have 4 other able-bodied males in the house and you don't work outside of the home..... can you imagine how difficult it might be to do this all alone and working????? Our home is handicapped accessible, but many of you have suggested my H put me out of our home, pack my "things" in boxes or garbage bags and put them in the driveway, tell me to pick them up and then have me served with divorce papers. Do those "things" include our son? I would never ask my husband to leave his home that he works and pays for. But, I worked for the first 8 years of our marriage and contributed financially to the household. My parents put $100,000.00 equity into this house..... it's gone, now, mostly because of medical expenses, etc., but does none of that count?
So, why do I want to R, now? I think, at this point, my H and I are trying to see if we can, because in spite of it all..... my H has many wonderful qualities, too, which I have been very truthful about. And, even though I get blasted every time I say this, in the last few weeks, he has been everything I ever hoped or dreamed he could be. He has been my rock throughout this. We had a wonderful day, yesterday, and it gave us, both, so much hope.... it was 31 years to the day of our very first date.... a blind date. I know, I cheated, the ultimate sin (according to TAM)...... Because I cheated, then the job of repairing our marriage is ALL ON ME.... I HAVE SO MUCH TO MAKE UP FOR (per TAM.) Well, you know what? I can't give any more than I'm giving right now. I am giving everything that I, honestly, have to give. I don't think that I can truly help him heal until I have done some healing of my own. He is only, just now, realizing the hurt that he inflicted upon me all of these years. I'm going to need some time of my own. I have been extremely careful with my words on this thread, up to now, out of my love and respect for him (yes, I do love and respect him.) Now, I know that you guys will have a field day with this one..... and will, like vultures, tear me to shreds. I don't really care any more because I won't be coming back on to see it. Some of you have been extremely helpful. I thank you for that. I can handle constructive criticism, that's why I posted our story. But, for those of you who do nothing more than spew your hateful venom I have nothing but pity for you. You are, obviously, deeply wounded. H and I are, too. I don't feel like this site is helping us. Yesterday, I posted about what a lovely day that we had just experienced. I thought that it was a positive sign for us. I knew that every day wouldn't be like that and that we had so much work ahead of us. But, you all ripped me apart for that, as well. I give.... H and I will still continue trying to repair our marriage. He may or may not post.... that's up to him.
This is one of the most amazing examples of self-delusion, I've ever seen here, on TAM. Betrayed1 you wife IS going to cheat again, because she has NO remorse at all, and what is more, she feels that any cheating she does is YOUR fault and she is blameless. She has not, in all her posts, given even one example of true guilt and sorrow. I am truly sorry for you.
This is one of the most amazing examples of self-delusion, I've ever seen here, on TAM. Betrayed1 you wife IS going to cheat again, because she has NO remorse at all, and what is more, she feels that any cheating she does is YOUR fault and she is blameless. She has not, in all her posts, given even one example of true guilt and sorrow. I am truly sorry for you.
Dude you must have the sympathy of a shark. After reading all of that, your conclusion is that she's self deluded? Are you actually serious BadBlood?
Betrayed1. you are taking way too much of the blame. As long as you do this, your wife will keep heaping it on, until it will be your fault for everything. What I have been trying to do, is show your wife that in order for you to R and have a future, she has to Accept responsibility for her actions. whenever I do this, she says I'm bashing her, which is NOT the truth, but an excuse to further avoid blame. Once again, the affair was totally and completely HER FAULT and nobody elses. YOU BOTH are to blame for the sorry state of your marriage. I also think that the "Marriage Builders", site would do you both a lot of good. They will show you exactly what to do, and will guide your wife to true remorse and compassion. Good luck to you both.
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Re: Wife's affair, how to move forward? 
