Empty I stated early on I know where you're coming from. I've been there and done that. Do what you need to do. You're the one that's got to live your life. If you an your old man can come to terms with what transpired, that's great. If you can't, the world will keep right on turning. Hey, and anyway you cut it, you proved something to yourself. If you'd been like me, you'd have a hell of lot more than one to explain and atone for.
The ability to achieve forgiveness and let go of past hurts is one of the most critical challenges many of us face on the road to attaining personal peace and happiness.
While it certainly isn't easy, it is absolutely necessary for long-term mental and emotional heath.
Forgiveness can be defined as the decision to let go of resentment, anger, and thoughts of revenge as a result of a real, or perceived offense, hurt, or wrongdoing against you.
Forgiving someone does not mean denying a person's responsibility for hurting you, nor does it mean minimizing, or justifying the act. It does mean willing to forgive someone without condoning or excusing what they did, and then letting it go.
According to Dr. Robert Enright, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin and a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness - forgiveness is a choice. It is the process of uncovering and letting go of anger, while restoring hope and moving on with life. He writes:
"People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right) and endeavor to respond to the wrong doer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity and moral love (to which the wrong doer by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right.)"
In other words, while there is no question that we have the right to feel resentment and the desire to respond accordingly, we have the ability to make the choice not to. When we do, we refuse to play the role of the victim and we let go of the control and power that the offending person, or situation, has over us. We choose to not allow grudges, hurt or wrongdoings to define our lives.
How can we attain forgiveness and letting go?
Begin by acknowledging what hurt or offended you. While denying the hurtful offence may be the first thing you may want to do, it is best to admit that it happened. Reflect upon it; take note how you reacted, and what it has done to your health and well-being. Be able to articulate what was unacceptable about the situation.
Look for a broader perspective on what took place. Make the attempt to understand the other person. Was the offense deliberate, or merely mindless and insensitive? Perhaps the person had no idea they hurt you, or was suffering from something themselves. Did they do it out of selfishness, recklessness, or were there other unknown circumstances at play? Sometimes going through the process of trying to understand the situation sheds new light on the matter and may lessen the hurtful response. It is also possible that you may have been oversensitive at the time. Hurt feelings are invariably subjective. Perhaps you were having a bad day; perhaps they were.
If you happen to know the hurtful act was deliberate, vicious and intended to harm you, then you may have to 'reframe' the situation. Reframing is a technique whereby you change the conceptual or emotional viewpoint from which you experience an event and put it in a different context or frame of reference. For instance, there are those who do harm to others thinking it will alleviate their own pain and distress. They lash out regardless of whom they are hurting, or how. Your ability to sort through a hurtful occurrence and put it into a different "framework" will prepare you to begin the process of forgiveness and letting it go.
Work through the emotions. As well as acknowledging the event, acknowledge the anger, frustration and myriad emotions, but do not get stuck in them. Practice stress management techniques such as exercise, yoga, deep breathing, guided meditations, or anything else you find soothing and relaxing. Using cognitive strategies like writing in a journal, or talking to a wise friend or counselor, is also very beneficial.
In recent studies done on forgiveness coping strategies, it was found that men responded positively when it was presented as a challenge to them, and negatively when it involved emotion-focused coping. For women, however, it was found to be positively associated with emotion-focused coping and acceptance, and negatively associated with avoidance. Thus, based on these findings, if you're a man, it is more helpful to approach forgiveness as a challenge, or goal to accomplish. If you're a woman working on acceptance, understanding, and compassion may lead you there more successfully.
Commit towards letting go and moving on. Remember first that the act of forgiving is more for your own benefit than anyone else's. Secondly, forgiveness and letting go take time, so be patient with yourself. Certainly, it can be difficult to separate what you feel emotionally with what makes sense to do logically. However, if you commit to putting your energies on focusing on the benefits of forgiveness and letting go, you can more easily move forward with your life.
Letting go can be defined as: "A combination of accepting, but not denying; living in the present and looking forward to the future without regret for the past, and a willingness to move on and beyond."
Researchers and scientists have been discovering the health benefits of attaining forgiveness. Their studies have shown that serious mental, emotional and physical consequences can result from holding on to grudges and bitterness. Consequences such as depression, anxiety and the feeling that your life lacks meaning and purpose, as well as the loss of valuable connectedness with family and friends become high prices to pay for holding on to resentment.
Get Professional Help If You Need It. If you find it too difficult to forgive and let go on your own, especially if the offending acts have been traumatic, or are ongoing, then consider working through your feelings and deeper issues with a good therapist. It would be more than worth your while to gain the peace of mind you seek and to move forward with your life.
The Benefits of Forgiveness and Letting Go
Increased happiness and health with improved functioning of cardiovascular and nervous systems and less overall illnesses
Restored positive thoughts, feelings, behaviors and promotes overall psychological well being
Increased compassion, understanding and healing
Reduced stress, anxiety, depression and chronic pain
Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
Ability to function better in career, education, work place
Increases hope and optimism for the future
Ultimately, the act of forgiveness releases us from past hurts, memories and enslavement. Alternatively, to not forgive is to surrender oneself to the control of others and allow the present to be consumed by the past. If we choose not to forgive, we subject ourselves to the possibility of carrying anger, bitterness and resentment into future situations and relationships, as well as deprive ourselves of the peace of mind, health and happiness we deserve.
In the end, the best revenge is a life well lived!
This thread makes me very sad for several reasons and I will probably as a consequence not read much further in it.
Betrayed1:
From what I have read from both your wife and you, you have treated your wife very bad during the years. No wonder your wife chose the nickname Empty Inside and felt emotionally abused for years.
But it seems from what you both write that you have learned from your mistakes and are willing to make the changes. You do see your own shortcommings and have initiated a proces of changing yourself.
The question that remains answered is; is for you or for her you make these changes? Make sure it is for your own sake.
You can create some new habits and respond differently to the challenges you will face in the future. This way you will contribute to the transformation of your marriage. I wish you luck and happiness for the years to come.
Empty inside:
I won't bash you, no need for that. You describe your marriage and the difficulties in it in a very emotional way. I can actually feel the pain you experienced when I read about it.
You have learned yourself that there is one, and only one response in the universe that can make the pain go away... yes, you got it, having an affair. Escape from reality for a while and have a nice satisfying dose of dopamin to make the pain vanish in the fog.
So if your husband for some reason in the future mess up and yell at you or belittles you, you will have your response in place because you know of no other options than having an affair.
It will not be your fault, your husband made you do this, because you have no other option.
Maybe, and hopefully, in time, you will realize that you do have other options and choices for yourself, and that you are responsible for making the right choice. You must heal yourself in order to heal the marriage. Sadly, you can't see it at the moment, but for the sake of you both, I hope you will in time.
I wish you the best, I truly do.
I ponder is whether my FWH had to do something more terrible to me than I ever did to him. Not to compare who was worse, but more that he had to balance it out psychologically in order not to resent me any more for the damage I did to our relationship before (I didn't do 100% of the damage, but I own up to well over half.) If your wife can wrap her head around that, maybe the two of you can find a path to forgive each other.
I posted this last week. It still holds true. Posted via Mobile Device
Dude you must have the sympathy of a shark. After reading all of that, your conclusion is that she's self deluded? Are you actually serious BadBlood?
Not necessarily... This is a problem with this sort of format. She was married 30 years. My wife and I have been together 20 years. Know what? My wife can, and used to, hold onto every single thing I did wrong over the entire relationship. In 20 years, that is a fairly extensive list... What she didn’t say or remember is those words were the abnormality and extremely rare. What she didn’t say was I was only cruel after she’d already verbally ripped me up and down and I was so angry, and I said those things to hurt her just as bad in a fit of petty retaliation.
So, we have no idea if that sort of treatment was ‘normal’ or if it’s the usual wayward fog of holding onto all the justifications to avoid the guilt of having the affair. So, like Badblood, I see a lot of excuses for her ‘why she shouldn’t feel that guilty’ and not much else. It is a sad and convincing story... All wayward stories follow that same line; “If he hadn’t of done this to me, it wouldn’t have pushed me into someone else’s arms.” Hers is no different, even if it is compelling. What I didn’t see in there is remorse for her actions. I saw pain and regret for the way he treated her and a lot of self-pity; That would make it ok right?
Some folks here just don't seem to get it and keep on rehashing what has already been said on this thread by many of us over and over and over again.
EI has no obligation to any of us to show us her remorse. The only person she owes any remorse to is her husband. If B1 sees her remorseful behavior at home (something we cannot be a witness to), is satisfied with it and wants to do his best to R with her then that is all that matters.
Some folks here just don't seem to get it and keep on rehashing what has already been said on this thread by many of us over and over and over again.
EI has no obligation to any of us to show us her remorse. The only person she owes any remorse to is her husband. If B1 sees her remorseful behavior at home (something we cannot be a witness to), is satisfied with it and wants to do his best to R with her then that is all that matters.
I agree. Not quite sure if you referred to my post... I really don't care if EI shows remorse or not, I am just saying that unless you unlearn a pattern of yours, you are most likely to repeat it.
And that is sad - especially if none of them are aware of this (which might be true due to DD is still very fresh in mind)
I am just saying that unless you unlearn a pattern of yours, you are most likely to repeat it.
The way to break those destructive patterns (for both of them) depends on:
1. Forgiveness like I've outlined in my comments in order to kill the anger and bitterness that resides in their hearts. This is not the type that people usually believe in and which is false to begin with.
2. Commitment to self-improvement which transcends everything, including their marriage.
Even if their marriage ends, they will both be winners for having done the above.
In a 30 year relationship we both said mean things and we both said plenty of nice things too. Point is, you don't go that long without saying some nasty stuff and having some bad arguments.
Yes, I said some mean hurtful things over the 30 years, but those she mentioned are pretty much it. Beleive me, I have a list also, but I'm not here to post it just to say 30 years is a long time and
there are plenty of good and bad said in a span of 30 years.
I do think EI and her H are on the right track. It's still very early in R and she has sent the NC letter. That's a good start.
And they are connecting.
I think it's possible that when EI feels like she's in love with her H again, that his pain will hit her hard and she will realize how deeply she has hurt him. And then and only then will she begin to start to understand what her affair did to him. I believe sometimes it takes time for the WS to get it but when they get it, truly "get it", the flood gates of remorse will open.
I do understand why some posters are concerned for her H though. None of us want to see him go through the agony of a false recovery. I don't think anyone's intentions are to hurt or to shame. People are concerned with both parties in this situation. Unfortunately, infidelity leaves everyone involved broken and hurt and damaged which is why it's never a healthy solution to one's problems.
Wishing you both happiness and new and improved marriage.
In a 30 year relationship we both said mean things and we both said plenty of nice things too. Point is, you don't go that long without saying some nasty stuff and having some bad arguments.
Yes, I said some mean hurtful things over the 30 years, but those she mentioned are pretty much it. Beleive me, I have a list also, but I'm not here to post it just to say 30 years is a long time and
there are plenty of good and bad said in a span of 30 years.
Neeldess to say it's a bad day so far....
She is going through her own roller coaster...whatever that is.
Both of you think you are the bigger victim of the two. You need to help one another to fix this situation. But then, you should trust one another for this to work out. Right now, neither of you do.
The post that I made last night really hurt my H. I was feeling so defensive because I felt like no one here was really grasping the intensity of the pain that I was in when I made the choice to betray my husband. It doesn't justify what I did. I can't justify what I did because there isn't a justification. It was wrong. I didn't have the tools within me last year to "fix" the hurting inside of me. I was broken.... that isn't an excuse, but it is the only explanation that I have. I was completely broken. I wish that I could rewind, go back, but I can't. Now, H & I have to figure out if we can continue to heal together or if we need to be apart. I was holding on to a lot of old resentments toward H. During my A, I was able to push them back. I really thought that I had let them go. The A was self-medicating, but I'm not sure that I realized that at the time. Every day is such a challenge right now and we honestly don't know how we are going to feel from one hour to the next. After my post last night I took a long bath and when I got out, H was online reading my post. He was hurting.... I lashed out again and reminded him of all of the past hurts that had resurfaced now that I am no longer under the influence of the drug that is the A. I hadn't been able to truly empathize with his pain yet. I knew that I was sorry that I had hurt him, but I wasn't ready to say that I was sorry that I had done it. He has cried so many tears in the last few weeks. I don't think I have seen him cry too many times in the last 31 years. I wasn't truly feeling his pain because I was still reeling in my own pain and resentment. But last night, I said something very cruel and hurtful to him and only then did the magnitude of what I had done come tumbling down. I am beginning to feel his pain and I think it might be unbearable. I wasn't going to post on here, again. I'm not sure if this has been helpful or not. At times it seems to help, but the truth is that the strictly mean and malicious comments really do hurt both of us.
I am going to put myself out here, once, again. For those of you who have been betrayed and have successfully reconciled, please tell me how I can help my H heal. For those of you who weren't able to R please comment only if you are genuinely offering something with the intention of helping us heal.... whether it is together or apart. Can marriages really heal from this kind of thing.... or do they just limp along? Is it possible for both of us to truly be happy again, together?
To my husband, I love you, I'm sorry that I hurt you this way. I am so sorry that I violated you, me, our family and our marriage vows. I am so sorry that you are in a pain that I can't bear for you. I wish that I could. I am going to do everything that I can to help you heal from this hurt. If we can survive this then maybe we can have a better marriage than we have ever had before. We've had some wonderful times together. We've raised a beautiful family. You allowed me to have my dream of being a stay at home Mom to our kids, and you supported me when I took on the task of taking care of Mom and Dad. You took as much care of them as I did. You've worked hard to support our big family. You held my Dad in your arms when he took his last breath, you let me have 5 kids instead of 3 (only YOU know what that means ) the list is endless.
Badblood treated his ex pretty well considering what she did to him. Don't understand why he gets off eviscerating other WWs. Just don't get it. Posted via Mobile Device
feels the need to direct his anger somewhere else since he feels he can't with his mentally fragile wife?
I can't justify what I did because there isn't a justification. It was wrong. I didn't have the tools within me last year to "fix" the hurting inside of me. I was broken.... that isn't an excuse, but it is the only explanation that I have. I was completely broken. I wish that I could rewind, go back, but I can't. Now, H & I have to figure out if we can continue to heal together or if we need to be apart.
I'm somewhat shocked you finally got to this first step but I am glad to see it, forgive my earlier harsh words but I was not seeing a remorseful statement from you in the slightest but lots of excuses and even pining for the OM
so to answer the 2nd part (what tools do you need to attempt a proper R?)
1) NC (already established)
2) complete transparency- be an open book and for the healing stages be hypersensitive to letting him know of your whereabouts, what you're doing, what you're doing on the computer, etc All passwords and access to a phone is a must- let your husband snoop all he wants and do not be offended if he needs to spy to verify that he can trust what you say to him.
3) demonstrating remorse- no trickle truth, gaslighting, or blameshifting. Help him through his triggers and pangs of doubts. If he feels bad because of the affair then you be there and help him with it, you carry that burden to make him feel better. The more you do this the more he will be willing to start examining his own behaviors in the marriage that need work and will reciprocate. But it has to start with you, this is triage- your husband's behavior preaffair is a compound fracture, it's serious and needs attention but your affair is a heart attack and you need to stabilize that problem first before you reset the bone.
4) Spend gobs of one on one time together, find something you both like and do it together. REBOND.
for you guys in particular I suggest being radically open about sex as well, it sounds as though you had a sh!tty sex life and you both need to express desires and wants.
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Re: Wife's affair, how to move forward? 
) the list is endless. 
