That is a very strong point. What would have happened in a bitter divorce to the kids?
She didn't think about how the consequences of her affair would affect the kids. People in an affair NEVER do. The high they get from the emotional connection and the hot sex blinds them to everything else.
I'm glad the husband made it here. I don't care much about her.
We heard her story here a thousand times before, from people of both genders. Thinking that everyone is focused on her is just another manifestation of her selfishness.
I noticed throughout your sad story, that you hardly take responsibility for your actions. Did you ever stop to think about your disabled child? What a divorce would do to him? Yet throughout your story of hardship, you still found the strength to hide and have a long term affair with an old flame that you reconnected with after so many years. But I can see why your OM wouldn't want to continue your relationship, as they say nowadays, too much baby mama drama.
Oh, I think EI did stop to think about her disabled child. What a great hostage he made! If husband threatened her with divorce for the affair, why, there's the fact that the boy would suffer, so husband would feel too guilty to break the family up.
Should I have cheated?.... NO, but I will leave you with this word picture. A woman is homeless and it's 30 degrees below 0 outside. She has no money and she is freezing. She goes into a store and steals a coat. Is she guilty of stealing? Yes! Another woman lives in a comfortable home and has a closet full of coats. It's July and 90 degrees outside. She has plenty of money and plenty of coats. She sees a coat she likes in a store and she steals it. Is she guilty of stealing? Yes! Do you think that the judge may have more mercy and compassion for one of the woman? Maybe! Maybe not! I was freezing....
You analogy fails because you can still live without the love that you need. Your life was not in danger. You just wanted to take the easy way out.
All the reasons you gave are good ones for a divorce, or even a sit down to tell your husband that you were going to date others. But you could not do that. You ran around behind his back and lost your moral authority.
You all are enjoying this way too much, aren't you? It's very easy to be on the outside..... casting judgement on me, without knowing all of the facts, because many of you are projecting your own pain at having been betrayed onto me. So many of my words in my original posts have been twisted so much that they bear no resemblance to the truth. I never once said that my AP was a "sex God." I said, "the physical intimacy with my AP was like nothing I have ever experienced. I had no idea that it could really be that way." Not quite the same as calling him a "sex God." The reason that it was different is because I felt wanted, desired, beautiful. With respect to my husband, I think that even he made it clear that he neglected me in that area. I have been choosing my words carefully because it is NOT my intention to hurt someone that I love and have loved for 31 of my 48 years of life.
You were with him since you were 17 years old?
You said the sex "was nothing I have ever experienced". Not when you were 17? Not when your body was younger and newer? Not when the both of you were in love at that young age?
Well, maybe he needs to find other women to practice before he gets too old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Empty Inside
I have, now, found a job and will start working in July.
...
Since I am the legal guardian of our special needs son and I have no intention of leaving any of my children..... where might I go. Oh, I know..... to my AP. Well, that probably won't happen. BTW, through it all, I never stopped loving my husband, but the in-love part died when I realized that he simply was incapable of loving me that way.
...
You all will see all of this as an excuse. Maybe it is, but I am simply trying to offer an explanation. Every human being has a breaking point. I reached mine. Unfortunately, I hurt my husband and family in the process. At the end of the day, I do love my husband. Am I in love right now? Not like a wife should be. Having some, if not all of my needs met by another was a powerful elixir. I was so vulnerable, so susceptible, my AP was in a similar place at that time in his life. We had a shared history, although it was from many, many years ago. Now, there are a lot of hurting people and we are all trying to move forward. I'm not sure how this will end. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. I knew that I wouldn't receive support, I wasn't expecting it. But, I was hoping for some genuine unbiased feedback. I couldn't get it here because so many of you all are hurting, too.
It's great you have found a job. It'll allow you to be more independent.
That love for your husband could not had been there when you spent 1.5 years with your lover, experiencing the physical intimacy like you never had before.
The OM, your lover, was someone you knew many years ago and kept in touch? Hmmm, interesting.
Hanna: "If you couldn't get a divorce, then why not tell your H that you needed sex and attention and if he couldn't give it to you, you would get it from someone else?"
If my husband will come back on and address this he will tell you that that is exactly what I told him in February of last year. I said that I could no longer live this way and that I was going to have "passion (emotional and physical) with or without him." He said that we could work on it and I said "how?" He said that we would keep doing the same thing as always. I told him that I would no longer pass up an opportunity for love in my life and that as soon as our youngest graduated that I would get a job and move on. This was after a couple of years of trying everything in my power to do the work to bring us together. I desperately hoped that he would take those steps. I really wanted for my husband to wake-up!
Bandit.45: "Believe all of us... the pain you felt over the years due to his neglect would pale in comparison to the pain you would have felt if he had cheated on you first. There is simply no comparison."
You don't know that. Have you been the "neglected spouse?" You CAN'T compare your pain to mine. You aren't me and haven't been in my shoes.
MattMatt, you have asked a couple of times about our children. Our oldest is married and has a home. Two are young adults living at home but working and taking college classes soon to be on their own. Our youngest has one year of high school left and our special needs son is a young adult. He is on a list for assisted living homes for adults with disabilities. In our state the list is long and can take years. He chose to be on the list. He does have, both, physical and mental disabilities but is intelligent and articulate and would like to have an opportunity to have as much independence as possible. Whether living at home or on his own (with assistance) we are still his parents and I would remain his legal guardian overseeing his life, healthcare and finances which are limited to SSI. I've noticed that you have asked a few times so please understand that my husband and I are, both, parents who love our children and are committed to always loving and supporting them. My husband's parent are divorced and have been an example of never letting their differences negatively affect their children's lives. We have spent all holidays with both of them, at the same time, never having to split time between his mother's side of the family and his dad's side of the family.
That is a very strong point. What would have happened in a bitter divorce to the kids?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lordmayhem
She didn't think about how the consequences of her affair would affect the kids. People in an affair NEVER do. The high they get from the emotional connection and the hot sex blinds them to everything else.
It's arrogance, is what it is. I don't even think it's fog - I get the impression that she believed (and still believes), wholeheartedly, that her husband will not divorce her. She has never had to worry about the consequences for her actions, because there areno consequences for her actions.
The husband, Betrayed1, is desperate to keep the marriage intact, rather than moving on with his life and start a new and healthy relationship with a person who will respect him. The idea of divorce isn't even being considered, and so Empty Inside feels entitled to have her affair, confident in the knowledge that her husband will always have a place for her at home.
Betrayed1 is in his own fog, unfortunately. Until he snaps out of it, Empty Inside will sit on her fence, waiting to pick a side.
But, I was hoping for some genuine unbiased feedback. I couldn't get it here because so many of you all are hurting, too.
How dare we all have suffered in our lives so, when Empty Inside wanted to come to this forum for support in her affair, we had no sympathy? Boy, we're a selfish bunch!
Hanna: "If you couldn't get a divorce, then why not tell your H that you needed sex and attention and if he couldn't give it to you, you would get it from someone else?"
If my husband will come back on and address this he will tell you that that is exactly what I told him in February of last year. I said that I could no longer live this way and that I was going to have "passion (emotional and physical) with or without him." He said that we could work on it and I said "how?" He said that we would keep doing the same thing as always. I told him that I would no longer pass up an opportunity for love in my life and that as soon as our youngest graduated that I would get a job and move on. This was after a couple of years of trying everything in my power to do the work to bring us together. I desperately hoped that he would take those steps. I really wanted for my husband to wake-up!
Bandit.45: "Believe all of us... the pain you felt over the years due to his neglect would pale in comparison to the pain you would have felt if he had cheated on you first. There is simply no comparison."
You don't know that. Have you been the "neglected spouse?" You CAN'T compare your pain to mine. You aren't me and haven't been in my shoes.
MattMatt, you have asked a couple of times about our children. Our oldest is married and has a home. Two are young adults living at home but working and taking college classes soon to be on their own. Our youngest has one year of high school left and our special needs son is a young adult. He is on a list for assisted living homes for adults with disabilities. In our state the list is long and can take years. He chose to be on the list. He does have, both, physical and mental disabilities but is intelligent and articulate and would like to have an opportunity to have as much independence as possible. Whether living at home or on his own (with assistance) we are still his parents and I would remain his legal guardian overseeing his life, healthcare and finances which are limited to SSI. I've noticed that you have asked a few times so please understand that my husband and I are, both, parents who love our children and are committed to always loving and supporting them. My husband's parent are divorced and have been an example of never letting their differences negatively affect their children's lives. We have spent all holidays with both of them, at the same time, never having to split time between his mother's side of the family and his dad's side of the family.
Then why did you keep up the deception after the first time he found out? Did you have any genuine reasons for that? Or did you just wanted to preserve the status quo? Or you wanted to end the affair but couldn't?
Hanna: "If you couldn't get a divorce, then why not tell your H that you needed sex and attention and if he couldn't give it to you, you would get it from someone else?"
If my husband will come back on and address this he will tell you that that is exactly what I told him in February of last year. I said that I could no longer live this way and that I was going to have "passion (emotional and physical) with or without him." He said that we could work on it and I said "how?" He said that we would keep doing the same thing as always. I told him that I would no longer pass up an opportunity for love in my life and that as soon as our youngest graduated that I would get a job and move on. This was after a couple of years of trying everything in my power to do the work to bring us together. I desperately hoped that he would take those steps. I really wanted for my husband to wake-up!
So, you have found love with the OM. You have found a job. Your youngest is graduating soon.
I suppose you're moving on as you said you would.
So, to answer your original question in your thread, give him all the details he wants. Since you are moving on, the question of divorce as the endgame is answered.
Hanna: "If you couldn't get a divorce, then why not tell your H that you needed sex and attention and if he couldn't give it to you, you would get it from someone else?"
If my husband will come back on and address this he will tell you that that is exactly what I told him in February of last year. I said that I could no longer live this way and that I was going to have "passion (emotional and physical) with or without him." He said that we could work on it and I said "how?" He said that we would keep doing the same thing as always. I told him that I would no longer pass up an opportunity for love in my life and that as soon as our youngest graduated that I would get a job and move on. This was after a couple of years of trying everything in my power to do the work to bring us together. I desperately hoped that he would take those steps. I really wanted for my husband to wake-up!
.
But did you wait until your youngest graduated to get a job and move on? No, you had an affair.
Please stop justifying yourself and think of what your poor husband is going through right now. You can't change what you did at this point but stop making this all about YOU. We know you think it's all about you but it's not.
For the love of Pete, you have been with this man for almost 3 decades, show him some compassion and stop playing the victim already.
We get it. You were neglected. You had a horrible, difficult marriage. You gave everything and he gave nothing. Therefore, you were entitled to cheat.
MattMatt, my disabled son is not my hostage, he is my son. The sacrifices that my husband and I have, both, made for him you will never begin to know.
Unsure in Seattle, I clearly DID NOT ask for sympathy. I was hoping for some unbiased feedback. In all honestly, if I am in a fog right now, I'd like to see my way out of it, but I can not truly make any progress unless I am being honest about my true feelings, as they are, right now. Now go ahead and start bashing me about my previous lack of honesty because that is really going to help the situation.
Aug, yes I knew him briefly when I was 16. I never said that we had kept in touch. I found him on Facebook last year.
Jibril, who said that my husband isn't considering divorce? He and I, both, have appointments with or marriage counselor next week. We have decided NOT to make any decisions until after that time.
Bandit.45: "Believe all of us... the pain you felt over the years due to his neglect would pale in comparison to the pain you would have felt if he had cheated on you first. There is simply no comparison."
You don't know that. Have you been the "neglected spouse?" You CAN'T compare your pain to mine. You aren't me and haven't been in my shoes.
Maybe you missed my post on the previous page. I know I'm not the only one to feel the way I did. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Wife's affair, how to move forward? 
