Had another great IC session today. These IC sessions are really helping. I really wasn't sure they would help that much at all but they are truly making a difference for me. My counselor really helps me see the big picture and really pushes me to let go of the details and stop it with all the questions.
He says these questions or details have power, and I must take away the power they have over me. They are doing nothing but hurting me and her, and that's true. Fact is, I have all the answers now, and I have heard so many details I don't want to hear anymore. But part of me keeps wanting to ask and dig for more. I have to stop it.
We had a great day today, we shopped, had a bite to eat, shopped some more and just got home. It was a nice day, a really nice day for us. Tomorrow we are going to the gallery that is showing my images, and then shop some more for our sons birthday. Should be another great day.
I think I am on the brink of being able to let go of the details.
You will get there, Dig, I know you will. You're just hurting so much right now. And, you have every reason to feel the way you do. You will get past the hurt and the anger and devastation.... WHEN YOU DO.
I carried so much resentment towards B1 for years. I was so bitter. During my A, the resentment no longer consumed me because I had found a "drug" to mask my pain and bitterness. Soon, after D-Day, and all of the initial aftermath that followed, I realized the depth of pain that B1 was in. I was immediately sorry that he was hurting, sorry that I was the one who caused his pain, but I was NOT sorry that I had "done it." Someone on TAM, I don't remember who, said that there was a difference between guilt and remorse. I didn't "get it" at the time. I only "got it" when I "got it." B1 was asking me to help him heal and I couldn't. I couldn't give him what he needed because I didn't feel what he needed me to feel. All of a sudden, all of my bitterness towards him for the old hurts came rushing back to the surface. I was angry, bitter, defensive, defiant, feeling entitled,.... every ugly emotion you can imagine, I felt it.
Because I must be the luckiest woman alive, B1 realized, in the depth of all of his pain, I have no idea how, that he was going to have to meet me where I was if we were to have any chance of recovering. My heart and soul were so far gone from this marriage. He held me, loved me, comforted me, healed me.... did I say that he loved me? That precious man that I love with every ounce of my being loved me. I don't know how to explain it, but there was a moment when I realized that my bitterness was gone, my heart was healed, the love that I thought was long gone was not just a tiny spark reigniting, but a blazing inferno.
I am not suggesting that it is EVER the betrayed spouses job to win the cheating spouse back. The only thing I am trying to say is that years worth of resentment and bitterness for me were truly "gone" in an instant. And, I mean that with all sincerity. What I am saying is that I believe that people can heal, can recover, can survive and thrive and be better. You and Regret are doing everything that you can to recover and you will.... WHEN YOU DO!
Now, I spend my days (and nights) doing everything I can to love him, cherish him, adore him, help him heal, and I feel so lucky and blessed to have this opportunity. If this is my sentence then I'm in.... lock the door and throw away the key.
Edit: Please let me add that I am not suggesting that you need to be doing anything more than you are already doing. I believe that you are doing amazingly well, under the circumstances. What I am saying is that if I healed, in a moment, that I hope and believe that others can, too. This is my hope for you, B1 and all of the betrayed spouses.
You will get there, Dig, I know you will. You're just hurting so much right now. And, you have every reason to feel the way you do. You will get past the hurt and the anger and devastation.... WHEN YOU DO.
I carried so much resentment towards B1 for years. I was so bitter. During my A, the resentment no longer consumed me because I had found a "drug" to mask my pain and bitterness. Soon, after D-Day, and all of the initial aftermath that followed, I realized the depth of pain that B1 was in. I was immediately sorry that he was hurting, sorry that I was the one who caused his pain, but I was NOT sorry that I had "done it." Someone on TAM, I don't remember who, said that there was a difference between guilt and remorse. I didn't "get it" at the time. I only "got it" when I "got it." B1 was asking me to help him heal and I couldn't. I couldn't give him what he needed because I didn't feel what he needed me to feel. All of a sudden, all of my bitterness towards him for the old hurts came rushing back to the surface. I was angry, bitter, defensive, defiant, feeling entitled,.... every ugly emotion you can imagine, I felt it.
Because I must be the luckiest woman alive, B1 realized, in the depth of all of his pain, I have no idea how, that he was going to have to meet me where I was if we were to have any chance of recovering. My heart and soul were so far gone from this marriage. He held me, loved me, comforted me, healed me.... did I say that he loved me? That precious man that I love with every ounce of my being loved me. I don't know how to explain it, but there was a moment when I realized that my bitterness was gone, my heart was healed, the love that I thought was long gone was not just a tiny spark reigniting, but a blazing inferno.
I am not suggesting that it is EVER the betrayed spouses job to win the cheating spouse back. The only thing I am trying to say is that years worth of resentment and bitterness for me were truly "gone" in an instant. And, I mean that with all sincerity. What I am saying is that I believe that people can heal, can recover, can survive and thrive and be better. You and Regret are doing everything that you can to recover and you will.... WHEN YOU DO!
Now, I spend my days (and nights) doing everything I can to love him, cherish him, adore him, help him heal, and I feel so lucky and blessed to have this opportunity. If this is my sentence then I'm in.... lock the door and throw away the key.
Sorry this is maybe a hard question, but to make sense of what you are saying......what will you do if things go bad between you and B1 again? What would you do differently?
Had another great IC session today. These IC sessions are really helping. I really wasn't sure they would help that much at all but they are truly making a difference for me. My counselor really helps me see the big picture and really pushes me to let go of the details and stop it with all the questions.
He says these questions or details have power, and I must take away the power they have over me. They are doing nothing but hurting me and her, and that's true. Fact is, I have all the answers now, and I have heard so many details I don't want to hear anymore. But part of me keeps wanting to ask and dig for more. I have to stop it.
We had a great day today, we shopped, had a bite to eat, shopped some more and just got home. It was a nice day, a really nice day for us. Tomorrow we are going to the gallery that is showing my images, and then shop some more for our sons birthday. Should be another great day.
I think I am on the brink of being able to let go of the details.
Letting go of the details is a bad idea, finding ways for the details not to bother you is a good idea. Trying to "let go", minimize or forget the details will only cause you frustration, because you are never going to forget them, they are a part of your thought processes, now. But, as your R progresses, the pain that the details cause, will lessen. Like the memory of an old injury. I remember breaking my arm playing middle school football. I remember how much it hurt, I remember what caused it, I remember all of the details, but they have no power to frighten me or cause me worry. See what I mean?
Dig, I've had to let the need to ask for more details go to move on. God I know it's not easy and I think you are having a worse time than I am...You are really struggling though my friend and I am SO sorry about that. I really hate it because I understand that desire to ask and the pain that comes with the answers. Wish I could help
The counselor made so much sense when I talked with him about this subject. It's done, it's over, I know the gory stuff already, and I already know a lot of the details, more details is just going to drive me crazy and make R that much harder. They really do have power over me and that's not good. I must take away that power.
I am coming to a place where I am accepting, not condoning, the fact that they did A-Z; Z being $ex. I already know so much and I know you do too that just getting more details is just going to hurt and prolong my pain.
And, now the biggie..... I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN, I want my marriage to grow and I want to reconnect, to build this new marriage. Hanging on to all those details asking for more details is hindering that and my personal recovery, not just our recovery but my own recovery too. I guess I have to come to terms with, she did have $ex many many times, they had porn star $ex many many times, in the beginning of their relationship. He had help too, Viagra.
However, this is not the same woman who I have now, I have just learned this btw, she is different, better, wiser, and she is in love with ME, she is truly sorry and she is doing everything she can to make this up to me. She actually says she is more than happy to spend the rest of her life making it up to me. WOW!
I cannot and will not compare myself with the OM anymore, that's apples and oranges a winner to a looser, a good man to a sorry man, a manly man to a sissy man a......ok I'll stop
Because I am a man I have to share this part too....We have had porn star sex too since this happened. My wife is more than happy with our NEW $ex life, she says it's likes nothing we have ever had before and it's not.
When we got a hotel for 3 days and I had my Cialis, yes I use it from time to time, we had $ex 4 times in one day so there! take that you POS OM..."falling off wagon here"..I know..I know not suppose to compare but what the hell, It's my post I can if I want to ..ok back on the no comparing wagon.
In an odd twist..sometimes I feel like asking for details is like asking to be hurt, and hurt can be stimulating, even if it's bad, it's still stimulating. I have to be careful of that.
When I wanted to ask about details yesterday, I simply said "I love you", we got pretty busy so that helped a lot. She even tried to share some details once and I said nope, don't want to know. I was just happy where we were right then and there.
Not to say I won't slip, but I am getting there, really getting there.
Take care all, heading to shower and then to see my images hanging in a gallery, very excited about that.
Hey, it's not all about the sex! B1 and I, also, have a very lovely relationship outside of the bedroom. I have never once called it Porn Star Sex. I believe that someone on TAM referred to it that way. Geeeeez
Letting go of the details is a bad idea, finding ways for the details not to bother you is a good idea. Trying to "let go", minimize or forget the details will only cause you frustration, because you are never going to forget them, they are a part of your thought processes, now. But, as your R progresses, the pain that the details cause, will lessen. Like the memory of an old injury. I remember breaking my arm playing middle school football. I remember how much it hurt, I remember what caused it, I remember all of the details, but they have no power to frighten me or cause me worry. See what I mean?
You raise a very good point Badblood, but I guess I should re-phrase that, "Asking for more details" is the real key. This continual loop of asking for more and more is just asking for more and more hurt and asking her to re-live the events over and over. At some point I have to say ok, I am done with asking..let's move on and completely focus on R.
If the counselor had it his way there would be no detail sharing at all. But we did this our way and I got the details, lots and lots of details, some I wish I didn't get, others helped me. Overall, I need to come to a point where I don't have this incessant need to ask for more.
As far as the details I got, yes I need to learn to live with them.
My counselor was sexually abused by his father for a long time..he knew the details of that all to well, and he is fine with it today, they have no power over him and he has learned to live with it and not be bothered by them. I figured if he can do that, then I can surely do it also.
You raise a very good point Badblood, but I guess I should re-phrase that, "Asking for more details" is the real key. This continual loop of asking for more and more is just asking for more and more hurt and asking her to re-live the events over and over. At some point I have to say ok, I am done with asking..let's move on and completely focus on R.
If the counselor had it his way there would be no detail sharing at all. But we did this our way and I got the details, lots and lots of details, some I wish I didn't get, others helped me. Overall, I need to come to a point where I don't have this incessant need to ask for more.
As far as the details I got, yes I need to learn to live with them.
My counselor was sexually abused by his father for a long time..he knew the details of that all to well, and he is fine with it today, they have no power over him and he has learned to live with it and not be bothered by them. I figured if he can do that, then I can surely do it also.
B1, I think you have a pretty good handle on what is happening. Like I say in my timing thread, there will come a time when asking for details won't be a priority, when some other aspect of recovery will take it's place, perhaps some issue that EI is having will take precedence, who knows. I think the biggest dangers to R are rushing into it, and not dealing with all the aspects of it. Whatever issue you rug-sweep almost invariably comes back to haunt you. Taking your time and being thorough will get you farther, faster, than rug-sweeping or avoiding issues and trying to return to pre-affair behavior will.
Hey Empty, I'm finally back..I get you so well..I held on to bitterness and resentment..yet couldn't see how much I was neglecting Calvin, I at first could not see any of my own faults in the marriage. I kept putting all the blame on him.. boy have I woken up and I have learned so much. Now I will no longer avoid conflict. I will never unplug from my marriage, I will always put Calvin first..before I ways put my kids first. I was so wrong about everything yet had no idea..anyway it's good to be back on TAM. Looking forward to talking to you more, you say things that I could of wrote myself.. it's nice to know someone who has been through this and really gets it. Funny when we first reconcilled I asked the same thing about guilt vs remorse. Posted via Mobile Device
I actually found myself getting angry yesterday evening around 10pm. But instead of attacking or asking questions on a old subject I went straight to bed. That didn't go over well, she knew immediately something was wrong.
I had been focusing on the sex with the OM and had some tough questions, real questions, but knew it would just hurt me and be doing the same old thing. I just didn't want to get into it and hurt me and her, plus she was in such a good mood, singing and was happy as ever, I didn't want to ruin that for her.
Well, she came into the bedroom and immediately began to dig, she dug the question out and I faced it in tears. She gave me all the answers and she really truly helped me in a very hard time, she helped me understand something that I'm not getting into here because it's so personal and sexual in nature, but she made some very valid points and was right. I immediately felt better.
I am coming to a place where there not really bad days, but bad moments, and they are getting fewer, but there still their and I am sure now they will be for a while. But I have a wife that loves me like crazy and she is doing everything she can to make this right and she is really working hard to make this work, along with me of course.
I actually found myself getting angry yesterday evening around 10pm. But instead of attacking or asking questions on a old subject I went straight to bed. That didn't go over well, she knew immediately something was wrong.
I had been focusing on the sex with the OM and had some tough questions, real questions, but knew it would just hurt me and be doing the same old thing. I just didn't want to get into it and hurt me and her, plus she was in such a good mood, singing and was happy as ever, I didn't want to ruin that for her.
Well, she came into the bedroom and immediately began to dig, she dug the question out and I faced it in tears. She gave me all the answers and she really truly helped me in a very hard time, she helped me understand something that I'm not getting into here because it's so personal and sexual in nature, but she made some very valid points and was right. I immediately felt better.
I am coming to a place where there not really bad days, but bad moments, and they are getting fewer, but there still their and I am sure now they will be for a while. But I have a wife that loves me like crazy and she is doing everything she can to make this right and she is really working hard to make this work, along with me of course.
I really do love her!
Thank God you both ended up at TAM.
As I have said before, when a spouse comes back to their wife or husband, that means they have chosen their spouse twice.
That's one of the ways I got through my wife's affair. I told myself she had chosen her AP once, but she had chosen me twice.
sounds like you're both healing, I cannot control when Calvin triggers but I do my best to help him when he does. The day I found out I got my new job I was so excited but that excitement got squashed with him triggering and it was a bad one. We both hurt but in different ways, like you two we are holding on to eachother for dear life. Posted via Mobile Device
For men, the sexual aspect of the wife's affair is sometimes the hardest hurdle to jump. This is especially true if the wife performed sexual acts that she had never done or, prior to her affair, had refused to do with her husband.
Some men cannot get past that particular aspect of the betrayal. It is even worse when the husband finds out from her that she did these things, and then she turns around and continues to refuse share herself sexually with her husband in the ways she shared herself with her OM.
I hope this is not the case with B1 and EI.
I would like to hear from some of the women on this forum why they think some WW would do this. You don't see this behavior in wayward men.
1329Likes
Re: Wife's affair, how to move forward? 
..ok back on the no comparing wagon.
