For men, the sexual aspect of the wife's affair is sometimes the hardest hurdle to jump. This is especially true if the wife performed sexual acts that she had never done or, prior to her affair, had refused to do with her husband.
Some men cannot get past that particular aspect of the betrayal. It is even worse when the husband finds out from her that she did these things, and then she turns around and continues to refuse share herself sexually with her husband in the ways she shared herself with her OM.
I hope this is not the case with B1 and EI.
I would like to hear from some of the women on this forum why they think some WW would do this. You don't see this behavior in wayward men.
That's why I never, ever wanted to know any details about what my wife and the OM did.
In fact, I actually suppressed that (even posting on TAM that I did not know if they'd had sex) but later something triggered a memory that made me realise I had been aware that they must have had sex, but I'd buried that memory really very deeply.
Not quite sure what hurt me more. The EA or the PA side of it.
Having to pretend that we were still a normal, happy loving couple to friends and family, that humiliated and crushed me.
Her mother knew, however, as she took me to one side and apologised about the "dreadful situation." She asked me to give her daughter some time and I said: "I'll give her all the time she needs. I love her." There was a pained and sympathetic expression on her face and she said: "I know you do. If only **** had not come back to the area!"
For men, the sexual aspect of the wife's affair is sometimes the hardest hurdle to jump. This is especially true if the wife performed sexual acts that she had never done or, prior to her affair, had refused to do with her husband.
Some men cannot get past that particular aspect of the betrayal. It is even worse when the husband finds out from her that she did these things, and then she turns around and continues to refuse share herself sexually with her husband in the ways she shared herself with her OM.
I hope this is not the case with B1 and EI.
I would like to hear from some of the women on this forum why they think some WW would do this. You don't see this behavior in wayward men.
Luckily for us this isn't the case, they didn't do anything we had not done. I have graphic and I believe honest details of there sexual encounters.
I know her very well and she will try anything I want, If I wanted to get a batman outfit and buy her a catwoman outfit I KNOW she would do that...If I wanted to try different positions again, I know she will. My problem was mostly with the amount of times with the OM and some pretty graphic questions regarding that, but it was nothing that we had not already done too. Actually, we have done more than they did. I just, unfortunately, stopped with the sex and other things long before the A started.
That's why I never, ever wanted to know any details about what my wife and the OM did.
In fact, I actually suppressed that (even posting on TAM that I did not know if they'd had sex) but later something triggered a memory that made me realise I had been aware that they must have had sex, but I'd buried that memory really very deeply.
Not quite sure what hurt me more. The EA or the PA side of it.
Having to pretend that we were still a normal, happy loving couple to friends and family, that humiliated and crushed me.
Her mother knew, however, as she took me to one side and apologised about the "dreadful situation." She asked me to give her daughter some time and I said: "I'll give her all the time she needs. I love her." There was a pained and sympathetic expression on her face and she said: "I know you do. If only **** had not come back to the area!"
Our counselor would be in your corner here, he doesn't believe in giving details at all. He wants us to focus on the here and now, and focus on healing and moving forward. He is a FIRM believer that the details will only hurt and could possibly ruin any chance of recovery. We chose, or I chose to ignore him and am dealing with the details as I know them. It's a mixed bag, some details helped while others ripped my heart out.
I still cannot say with any certainty what's better, knowing the details or not? I just know that I couldn't be in the dark completely and wanted to know. Then I wanted more and more..
Our counselor would be in your corner here, he doesn't believe in giving details at all. He wants us to focus on the here and now, and focus on healing and moving forward. He is a FIRM believer that the details will only hurt and could possibly ruin any chance of recovery. We chose, or I chose to ignore him and am dealing with the details as I know them. It's a mixed bag, some details helped while others ripped my heart out.
I still cannot say with any certainty what's better, knowing the details or not? I just know that I couldn't be in the dark completely and wanted to know. Then I wanted more and more..
I am finally learning to let them go..
Thanks, B1. You have now given me something else to think about. My wife dressed as Catwoman? Oooh, yeah!
Our counselor would be in your corner here, he doesn't believe in giving details at all. He wants us to focus on the here and now, and focus on healing and moving forward. He is a FIRM believer that the details will only hurt and could possibly ruin any chance of recovery. We chose, or I chose to ignore him and am dealing with the details as I know them. It's a mixed bag, some details helped while others ripped my heart out.
I still cannot say with any certainty what's better, knowing the details or not? I just know that I couldn't be in the dark completely and wanted to know. Then I wanted more and more..
I am finally learning to let them go..
What we imagined she did with the other man is always worse than the reality.
What we imagined she did with the other man is always worse than the reality.
Not necessarily so. We have had many WS on TAM that had far more extensive sexual activity with the OP than with their spouse. This just another issue that has to be dealt with. What I see here is rug-sweeping and minimizing. B1, you are right to ignore the counselors suggestion to avoid details. Remember that issues un-addressed, are issues that are still active, and can still cause problems for R. Only by addressing those issues can we truly eliminate their power to harm.
BTW, B1, any counselor who advises you to ignore or "let go", of important issues or details, isn't worth what you pay him. Almost all counselors either on-line or IRL, who deal specifically with infidelity will advise "getting to the bottom", of your marital issues, and disarming the "mind movies", by facing them head on. I know this , because I dealt with a ton of the buggers.
We are doing well, Getting ready to go out to dinner right now.
We are still both in IC and MC and that's going well. I still struggle with images and mind movies, anger seems to have subsided with maybe a small melt down once a week or so. More than anything I still hurt and cry about every other day, usually I will trigger from something here on TAM that I will read about. Or I will trigger off something my wife will say about the A.
My wife is doing everything possible to make this up to me, she is sorry really truly sorry, she is transparent, I find myself checking up on her less and less. I know she loves me, really loves me and wants this R to work. She knows it's a tough road for me, the hurt is still pretty raw sometimes.
We still talk a lot, throughout the day and when I am home. The whole Affair still dominates our talks. We are starting to cover more subjects but overall this subject has most of the focus.
heading out to dinner now....will post more later.
__________________
Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.
“I want happiness!” - - B1. Married nearly 29 years to EI, my Wife. Working on reconciliation since May, 2012.
We are doing well, Getting ready to go out to dinner right now.
We are still both in IC and MC and that's going well. I still struggle with images and mind movies, anger seems to have subsided with maybe a small melt down once a week or so. More than anything I still hurt and cry about every other day, usually I will trigger from something here on TAM that I will read about. Or I will trigger off something my wife will say about the A.
My wife is doing everything possible to make this up to me, she is sorry really truly sorry, she is transparent, I find myself checking up on her less and less. I know she loves me, really loves me and wants this R to work. She knows it's a tough road for me, the hurt is still pretty raw sometimes.
We still talk a lot, throughout the day and when I am home. The whole Affair still dominates our talks. We are starting to cover more subjects but overall this subject has most of the focus.
heading out to dinner now....will post more later.
Ya'll going out for dinner or supper? Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like you two are doing about the same as us..the triggers Calvin gets usually happen when he's at work and starts thinkin too much but I have hope we will get better. Hoping the same for you guys..glad to have found you guys here..enjoy your evening Posted via Mobile Device
It took me divorcing my wife and two years of therapy to get over the anger and hatred I had for her. Could not imagine how hard it would have been if I was still living with her.
It took me divorcing my wife and two years of therapy to get over the anger and hatred I had for her. Could not imagine how hard it would have been if I was still living with her.
I have my moments but I implode,I dont know what I'd do if CSS was'nt here with me. Posted via Mobile Device
B1 -- I got this post/definition of forgiveness from another friends thread and I thought I would post it here in hopes that it may help.
************************************************
I just wanted to thank morituri who posted this reply several weeks ago. I kept coming back to it, re-reading it and finally understanding why I haven't been able to rid myself of the bitterness I felt. Deep down in my heart I was unable to forgive and until I can do that the hurt will continue to eat at me...
These are his words:
What is forgiveness?
For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.
But to others, myself included, forgiveness means to accept - not condone - that what was done cannot be undone and to make peace with it, NOT for the benefit of the offender but for the benefit of the offended. This type of forgiveness does not remove the consequences that would befall the offender.
People who subscribe to the former definition of forgiveness are unable to achieve it because it is an emotionally daunting task. It is also dependent on the offender showing true remorse to the offended for his/her transgression(s) which may or may not be present or ever will be.
But those of us who subscribe to the latter definition, forgiveness is an acknowledgement that no matter what the outcome of the situation with the offender is, that in order for us to move on with our lives is to make the decision that anger and bitterness are the toxic twins that will forever follow us and poison our lives IF we consciously allow them to. Here, forgiveness is a conscious choice for the benefit of the offended, not the offender.
B1 -- I got this post/definition of forgiveness from another friends thread and I thought I would post it here in hopes that it may help.
************************************************
I just wanted to thank morituri who posted this reply several weeks ago. I kept coming back to it, re-reading it and finally understanding why I haven't been able to rid myself of the bitterness I felt. Deep down in my heart I was unable to forgive and until I can do that the hurt will continue to eat at me...
These are his words:
What is forgiveness?
For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.
But to others, myself included, forgiveness means to accept - not condone - that what was done cannot be undone and to make peace with it, NOT for the benefit of the offender but for the benefit of the offended. This type of forgiveness does not remove the consequences that would befall the offender.
People who subscribe to the former definition of forgiveness are unable to achieve it because it is an emotionally daunting task. It is also dependent on the offender showing true remorse to the offended for his/her transgression(s) which may or may not be present or ever will be.
But those of us who subscribe to the latter definition, forgiveness is an acknowledgement that no matter what the outcome of the situation with the offender is, that in order for us to move on with our lives is to make the decision that anger and bitterness are the toxic twins that will forever follow us and poison our lives IF we consciously allow them to. Here, forgiveness is a conscious choice for the benefit of the offended, not the offender.
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Re: Wife's affair, how to move forward? 
