If my husband will come back on and address this he will tell you that that is exactly what I told him in February of last year. I said that I could no longer live this way and that I was going to have "passion (emotional and physical) with or without him." He said that we could work on it and I said "how?" He said that we would keep doing the same thing as always. I told him that I would no longer pass up an opportunity for love in my life and that as soon as our youngest graduated that I would get a job and move on. [...]
But you didn't wait hun. Perhaps your husband thought he had time, until your youngest graduated. I don't know. I do know I was also neglected and did everything I could to make things better when I felt my husband emotionally withdrawing. He chose to cheat.
And yes, I had to deal with a cold aloof husband. When he did have sex with me (and it was just that, no connection, no touching, no tenderness) it was climb on, finish, climb off, and go to sleep. I get how you feel/felt. I still held onto the hope things could be fixed. I too begged, cried, threatened, changed, all the things you did too (except cheat that is). I too was a SAHM.
I was busy working on my marriage and "fixing" myself. He was not in love any more and moved on, while also keeping a firm hold on me so I didn't have the option to do the same.
It wasn't love that you found, it was some really great sex. Sex isn't love, although some feel it has made them fall in-love.
As others have pointed out, your refusal for NC with the OM for fear of hurting his feelings speaks volumes as to you reluctance to work to salvage the marriage. For this reason, as well as lack of remorse and the now for the for certain inability of your husband to meet your needs is the reason why we have advised your husband to divorce you.
[...]
am I an idiot for wanting to work it out, is it possible, can I trust again, when will my imagination stop running wild?
Thanks for anyone who gives there inupt, good or bad, your time is appreciate.
Hello betrayed1. I am sorry you find yourself here, a member of a club you didn't want to be in any more than I did. I really wish I had clear definative answers for you, but like everything in life no two situations are exactly the same.
I can tell you this though until or unless your wife pony's up and tells you everything you need to know your mind will be your worst enemy. It will fill in the blanks she doesn't. It will become pure hell and worse. It's a limbo without end or hope. She has the means to get you out but sounds like she is hoping not to have to put herself though the pain or embarrassment.
Now I know she says it is painful for her as well. I believe her. The difference is she chose this for you both. No one asked if you wanted to play this game. I'm sorry. I truly am. It hurts and it sucks.
Your mind will continue to torture you until you say enough. You have to help yourself now. You will need to distance yourself from her emotionally and I suggest physically as well. I know she is not working and if it helps you then by all means help her find a place and maybe even pay a month or two rent. But you need to heal. I know you love her, but she chose this. Not you. And with her holding information or giving it in bits and pieces is cruel. Coming her asking how much detail to give is just a stalling technice. How much information?? As much as you need to move on in life and make an informed choice.
Betrayed1, I'm sorry you find yourself here. It really is a lost feeling, isn't it? It's been many years since I was where you are, but I still remember that pain. It nearly drove me to suicide. But I'm still here, and a lot more healthy emotionally than I was 10 yrs ago. I didn't really want to know details. I figured the knowing of the act was enough to make my decisions. My wife was remorseful and has put forth the kind of effort needed to salvage our marriage. I don't see your wife doing this. Until and unless she can do that, I don't see your marriage surviving. You may want to give it a little time to see if she comes to that realization. How much time depends on how long you can take this.
We are awaiting counseling sessions and going from there.
Marriage Counselling (MC) is generally useless while one spouse is still in an affair. She will have no problem lying to the counsellor's face. Also, if the MC starts talking only about her problems and not about the affair itself, then the MC will only end up validating her feelings about the affair and will just end up doing more damage. If the MC does this, immediately fire him/her and find another one who is experienced in dealing with infidelity.
Betrayed1, My wife was remorseful and has put forth the kind of effort needed to salvage our marriage. I don't see your wife doing this. Until and unless she can do that, I don't see your marriage surviving.
So EI your husband worked for so many years having to bring home food for seven people. I can't imagine how many hours had to work every day. Can y tell us?
Have y ever asked him if he had the powers and the ability to face your continyous demands for desire, sex, intimacy etc. It seems that this was and is your ultimate problem.
Can y imagine the amount of stress y put on him. If y loved your husband and y was such a caring, loving and perfect wife why y didn't find that actually his inability was actually due to medical reasons? After all he had five children with y, isn't he?
Have y ever faced his problems with real interest or love? From your sayings i doubt so. It seems your only problem and excuse is the need for sex. And the well known excuse of "feeling attractive and desired". Really in your age (mine too)?
After so many years of marriage y think that every husband or wife must present the same amount of desire to his/her spouse like the first years of any marriage? Is this the expectation of a mature person?
And what about your other man? Your sexual God as y described him to all of us. Y found on him what - except sexual festivals?
Honesty?
Morals?
Character?
Dedication?
Commitment?
If y allow me to point, he is a man who is cheating also on his family, b***s a married women of five children, "facing" his problems. You also stated that he cares about y and loooves y so much but in the same time he clearly told y that he is not going to leave his family for y. Is this love for y. Is he the one who is your God with such a behavior? Do y really know what is love?
I can imagine your husband working endless hours a day, been physically exhausted, facing all the family problems, with tight finances and five children to feed and bring them to adult life. That is a proof of love my dear in my mind. Your husband is a man not your OM if you want my oppinion and my 1 drachma (very soon) oppinion.
Why were you so apathetic when your wife threatened to have an extramarital relationship if you didn't reciprocate affection to her? It's a pretty callous thing to do.
Complexity, I totally appreciate your asking this question, and I hope the OP answers it.
But it does sort of beg the question, why does she want to reconcile now? What is the point, if he is such an awful husband?
That I don't get. (Sorry if I haven't kept up with both threads as I should.)
Marriage Counselling (MC) is generally useless while one spouse is still in an affair. She will have no problem lying to the counsellor's face. Also, if the MC starts talking only about her problems and not about the affair itself, then the MC will only end up validating her feelings about the affair and will just end up doing more damage. If the MC does this, immediately fire him/her and find another one who is experienced in dealing with infidelity.
This is what happened to us--what a waste of money and time.
Fortunately I did more research and have found a very good counselor, who is educated about how infidelity (and emotional affairs) function.
I started on your wife's thread playing the devil's advocate. I use it as a form of oppositional discussion with my students and is just part of my nature. At any rate, it's been interesting. If I were defending her in court, I'd seek a change in venue. Some here see adultery as the ultimate sin. I don't. It's bad and it hurts a lot of people and it's my guess that is why God has a commandment (not a suggestion) against it. But I've worked in the court system and I can tell you there are worse things spouses can do to each other. You can get over adultery, but you can't get over a spinal injury or being set on fire or watching your baby being killed. And this stuff happens everywhere.
But lets go to your situation. I have to agree with most folks that you and her should divorce. It really appears the marriage is over. Not because of the affair. It was a result of what happened long before the event happened.
I can see from your post that you love her. The sad thing is that it doesn't matter how you feel about her. It doesn’t matter what she says about what happened. The only important point is how she feels about you and it appears that she doesn't want to be with you. It looks like you’re out . And none of this really has anything to do with her boyfriend. She didn’t turn suddenly to him and look at him as a replacement. She was thinking about getting her needs met for a while; long before he came along. And she was telling you all along what was going to happen. She wasn't ambivalent at all about what she wanted in a marriage. By you own admission, you’re the one who wasn't listening and was self absorbed . Do you want to know why she didn't just come out and tell you she couldn't give the man up when you discovered it the first time. Because women don’t do that. At the moment, maybe they believe they can or don't want to think they don't have the willpower, but she was in over her head.
To partially address your concern that he's gave her the best loving she's had, I've slept with more than my share of women. My wife is the best loving I've had and its not because she has any magic. Women, like men have basically the same plumbing. Its the emotional connection we have. Its when your souls intertwine. That connection makes it the best; not any technique, not any size, position, movement, or tightness. The problem with you and your wife is the connection is not there so the loving is lacking. She's not your soul mate and you're not hers. Testosterone injection or lotion may help, but it always going to be lacking. When you find it you will know what I talking about. Good luck and God Bless.
The Circle of Dumbassedness just turns, and turns and turns.....
Sounds like a bad soap opera.... my dad actually came up with something like that. "As the Stomach Churns"..and really, this whole thing does make my stomach churn....leaves a bad taste in my mouth, too.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? She was a sex toy for the OM. He doesn't actually want the baggage of being with her. Then he'd have to support her and her lifestyle since she doesn't work. OM is more than content to let you foot the bills while he bangs your wife.
Don't believe for a second that the OM feels bad that she's married and that's why he's cooled it down for now. Its only because she got caught.
Your wife is extremely naive. AR's odds 1 in 1000 are the odds the OM ever wanted anything more than to poke your wife. Her picture on his mantle, well I'll give him one thing, he is smooth.
The irony... your wife degrade herself for a year and a a half, date openly another man while putting the facade at home, become a professional lier to everybody, dismiss any value she onece held, get dumped by the POS who was boinking her untill there was a chance to become aviable and now is ''embarrased'' to send a standard NC letter.
Your wife is going to find out that sex without love can get old pretty fast. For every man out there wanting to share his life with her, there are 1,000 or more men just wanting to use her body for sex - a piece of a$$. How many women would love to be in that situation? My guess is not many at all.
Do the both of you really want to stay married? Is this a matter of negotiating the terms of staying married for you both? What are your reasons for staying married?
I understand you both love each other. The way you both have emptied your love bank is total and sad. Who hurt who the most is moot at this point. Can you both commit to marriage? And can you both get over what both of you have done to each other?
The discussion about who is the most at fault here has gone overboard.
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Re: Wife's affair, how to move forward? 
