Cake-Eating. Selfishness. Lack of Respect for the BS. Not wanting to end the gravy train of free money, child-care, etc.
One of the big things my cheating ex-wife did was carefully control any access I had to her "friends" and family. After I divorced her, I found out she had been telling her friends that "She was going to divorce me, but I was always pleading with her not to" and that was the only reason she was staying with me.
The truth was that I was the one who decided to divorce, and through out the whole process she kept saying she never wanted to D and wanted us to R. Even after the D was final, and to this day in fact, she tells (me at least) that "she never wanted to D" and "it's all my fault we have a 'broken family' with our kids". Not once has she ever admitted to me what she told her friends and family.
I'm sure she did that to manipulate appearances, and never thought I would actually find my ba**s and stop putting up with her abuse. To her, saving face and never being 'at fault' for anything bad (i.e. a majority of a her actions), is far more important than the truth. But, according to her, she is the most truthful person alive. Really. Just ask her.
I suppose cake-eating is the generally accepted answer.
I say cowardice. Cowardice in addressing a marriage's problems, cowardice in dealing with these problems, and cowardice in how the cheater handles their own cowardice during the marriage, affair and aftermath.
They're damned good at running away and deflecting.
Get your loyal wife to do almost everything in bed, then tell your other women that your wife is frigid and that they are hot, and make them feel like they are making up for your terrible marriage that you can't leave because you're such a great guy and you really have to take care of your wife and especially her children...but make sure they are so unhot that your wife believes you when you say nothing is going on, you don't go for fat chicks, or chicks with tattoos either, or anyone in the military. Sounds like a lot of fun for a psychopath, enough to keep a fellow entertained for a long time (or until he gets caught in a small lie that becomes the thread that unravels everything.)
I drove by my ex yesterday with the kids in the car, he was standing by the road watching some construction with another guy. It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing, I screwed up my face and held it in, just barely.
I know I have a lot to offer, am hot, talented, tend towards happiness, manage my sh*t a lot better than most, stick to therapy, am flexible and have a good attitude. He messed up big time. Now he has to pay for his big old house on his own. The funny thing is he pretended to want to build a house, etc. I thought he really did! So I made a personal sacrifice to move there out of the way of everything and to live in a house that had wall to wall carpeting which I hated and tile I hated (I detest how new houses are built) I kept my mouth shut when he blasted the hillside and destroyed some wetlands and joked about it...I kept my mouth shut on the stupid driveway design that he had to pay afterwards to have fixed, I opened my mouth to say patly nice things over his garage and how he organized it...(the truth is I would rather have lived in a yurt but at the time loved him and wanted him to have his house and to be building up equity while he was deployed, and did not mind my name not being on the house because I am not interested in houses and would not want to inherit it if something happened to him...but didn't say anything like that, just accepted his explanation that the house was in his name because he wanted to be able to afford it on his own if anything ever happened to me, I kept my mouth shut about having worked in mortgage loan processing and how bs that statement was...) So imagine his shock when I insisted at the divorce case management hearing that my name come off everything of his including his will and bank account that I wanted nothing to do with him and no interest in the house. LOL, better than digging your own grave, build it. I guess he thought I was doing the same as him, PRETENDING my feelings about a house, that I would never leave him because living in a big a** house was important to me. Ummmmm, nope, I was telling the TRUTH. What a surprise.
Anyway, that was his game. He got caught in his own web. His job is kind of tentative, he's 50 years old and has a mortgage and the real estate market absolutely s*cks. The place where he works is being sold, packed up and shipped somewhere else. (It's a power plant, hasn't been making energy for years...he mows the grass and that's about it.) He'll have options but he will have to drive a long way or close the house up or try to rent it out. Not my problem.
And oh, when he asked for a second chance and I gave it to him, when something came up after a few months and I wanted to discuss it with him, his words were that maybe we should GET A DIVORCE. I accepted. Boy, was he livid. He turned a 180 and what came out of his mouth was the lowest stuff ever. I told him it was a wonderful idea given his response to his own suggestion being accepted, that I was going to walk the dog and that when I returned, I expected him to be out of my apartment that had only my name on the lease, that he had a house with just his name on it and that was where he belonged.
I still think he is trying to get over the shock that I actually did file for divorce and got a quick one, no attorney, plus a clause that he cannot harass me or my children.
I suppose cake-eating is the generally accepted answer.
I say cowardice. Cowardice in addressing a marriage's problems, cowardice in dealing with these problems, and cowardice in how the cheater handles their own cowardice during the marriage, affair and aftermath.
Yes, I think cowardice runs neck and neck with cake-eating. It was probably more true in my H's case than cake-eating, TBH.
I think it's funny that he finally did suggest a divorce (again and again and again, but only because it was his way of winning an argument...when I had moved out he wanted a second chance...) and in the end I accepted. Then he acted like I was very meanspirited for doing that. Grow up, you're 49. What a baby. If only his mother had said fine and handed him a suitcase and dropped him at the bus station with a 20 dollar bill whenever he threatened to run away on her, he might have learned not to make suggestions that turned out to be idle threats. Or idle threats that turned out to be really BRILLIANT suggestions. Now he is divorced. See, because he asked for it (even though it backfired on him). How cool is that?
During the 3 month span when the OM was raw-dogging my
wife during her lunch breaks, she'd come home and start
the biggest arguments over the silliest sh!t.
Then she'd build into a resentful rage and threaten ME with D.
(Her miserable life and inability to "cope" without f*cking someone else was my fault)
During the 3 month span when the OM was raw-dogging my
wife during her lunch breaks, she'd come home and start
the biggest arguments over the silliest sh!t.
Then she'd build into a resentful rage and threaten ME with D.
(Her miserable life and inability to "cope" without f*cking someone else was my fault)
Are you kidding me?!?!?!
I heard one of my exH's OW was doing that to her H too, going off at him constantly. I finally explained to him the reason his W was crazy, he called her and left work immediately and went home to confront her. If nothing else, I liberated a man for all my efforts, nothing like the truth to set one free.
I suppose cake-eating is the generally accepted answer.
I say cowardice. Cowardice in addressing a marriage's problems, cowardice in dealing with these problems, and cowardice in how the cheater handles their own cowardice during the marriage, affair and aftermath.
They're damned good at running away and deflecting.
My WH didn't even have the cojones to tell me about DDay face-to-face. He called.
Then, of course, he blamed me for all of the problems in the M. He has always resisted IC/MC. He's selfish and entitled even though I was the main breadwinner. And finally, the kicker: he said that he was "torn" between me and the OW...that's why he didn't file for D.
Consult the Bible, Shakespeare, Milton, Miles Davis...
People are people. And people have been asking your question since time immemorial.
There's not an answer. The hard thing to swallow is that everyone is doing the best they can. Yes, even your ex.
No,everyone is not doing the best they can.Some are,some are not.
Doing the best you can means not giving up,you work at whatever the problem is.You dont hurt someone to get someone or something you want.
There is always a respectable way to bow out of a relationship or marriage.
You dont try or do youre best when you dont care or think of your consiquences that drag a family down. Posted via Mobile Device
During the 3 month span when the OM was raw-dogging my
wife during her lunch breaks, she'd come home and start
the biggest arguments over the silliest sh!t.
Then she'd build into a resentful rage and threaten ME with D.
(Her miserable life and inability to "cope" without f*cking someone else was my fault)
Are you kidding me?!?!?!
That's the thing that makes me crazy about infidelity. It's the injustice and unfairness of it all. It's downright poor sportsmanship!
That said, it would actually be worse if she was all sweet as pie and acting normally. (Sad as it is to say that about someone's H or W).
But at least you know, she was feeling some guilt. I've read the guilt comes out as anger during the A. It's the ones that feel NO guilt who you really have to be afraid of because apparently, they are less likely to feel true remorse and more likely to be NPD.
Again, got to love that we get the anger dumped on us though.
My H had the nerve to say to me one day as I was working on the computer that I was setting a bad example for our daughters. I asked him how working was setting a bad example for them and he said, "Well, they don't know you are working!"
I recall asking him if he had lost his mind and then ended the conversation. After D-day, when he got his sanity back, he told me that the fact that I would rarely engage or would react calmly drove him nuts and made him feel like a huge a$$.
Both lordmayhem and I exchanged stories in another thread about how our spouses would pick fights with us during their As. I really thought I'd lost my mind, in the sense that I could not penetrate what he was thinking, always walking on eggshells and waiting for him to blow up as he misunderstood me yet again.
Since the affair ended, his irritability has vanished. We did have a decent-sized fight a couple of weeks ago, but we are learning how to fight fair. It sure helps now that he doesn't have his hidden agenda!
eah, I simply do not get the "everybody os doing the best they can" idea. Sounds a little too new age-ish and underanalytical.
If that is the case, then I guess Hitler was doing th best he could etc.
Divorce is a major life changing event. A little poon on the side usually isn't. Even if you get caught, the worst cases scenario is back to divorce, but there are several other options available that have a lighter sentence.
Like shoplifting, people in affairs don't think they'll get caught. Truth is you can hide money, candy bars and the like. You can't hide emotion and the riggors of trying to lead two lives.
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Re: Why Did Our Spouses Not simply Divorce Us? 
