She sent x-rated pictures to a 21-year old cop. I guarantee that every one of his buddies have copies and wouldn't be surprised if they're all over the internet. She has no respect for you, herself and the kids. She's a broken woman.
Get yourself a few voice activate recorder (VAR). Have one with you at all times. Be sure it's on when the cops stop you, but dont let them see or know that you have one.
Protect yourself for the cops and your wife. You just dont know when she will get nasty. Her cop friends may be in it with her to get you.
I hate my life.
She is going to be home in an hour and I will confront Her then. This will end one way or the other today.
I am going to get ready and calm down a little before She gets here as I am a little nervous and dreading this. I can't go into this though without it being a neutral attitude otherwise I think nothing will get done.
Will check back in and let you guys know what happens either way.
First of all, go back to the beginning of this thread and re-read all of lordmayhem's posts. He is right on the money about everything.
Second, do not wait for these cops to build a paper trail on you. Get a lawyer involved ASAP, someone who was formerly a prosecutor in your county if possible. Tell him/her what the cops have done and said to you so far, tell him/her about your fiance's affair, let him/her know that she says it is over and was never physical but you actually don't know if it is over or if it was physical.
Third, you say you are not weak or needy. Maybe you never used to be weak or needy, but you are now. Go re-read your posts here -WEAK and NEEDY are screaming out of them. If we can see "weak" and "needy" all the way from out here in cyberspace, your fiance certainly can see it. I understand that you are afraid of losing your fiance and your family life as you know it, but being weak and needy will not help you save it. You've tried it, it's not working. You may lose your fiance no matter what you do, so you might as well keep some self respect.
Put the kids in bed as early as possible and have a talk with your fiance.
Tell her you need the truth about whether this affair is ongoing and whether she had sex with other man. (From what you have posted so far, there's about 100% chance they had sex and about a 75% chance they still maintain contact). Tell her you need her to take a polygraph to clear up this for you once and for all, then you can move forward with your relationship. If she refuses, that is your answer, take steps to move on without her. Be ready for this because you have been a pushover so far and she will be positive that if she calls your bluff, you will give in and beg to have her back. You have to remain firm and confident and you must be willing to require what you need to get over her affair. You must make your needs as important as hers, not always sacrifice your needs so she will do you the favor of keeping you around.
Next, tell her she must handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for risking her future husband and family, which mean everything in the world to her, and that if other man attempts to contact her again she will file harassment charges against him. She then give the letter to you to read it and mail it.
She also must continue to allow you to have access to all of her accounts and communication devices and account for her whereabouts 24/7 until she rebuilds trust.
Tell your fiance that you cannot control her, you can only control you and how you react to the situation that she has put you in. She has needs, and so do you. You must meet hers, and she must meet yours.
Nothing anyone is suggesting here is unreasonable given the circumstances. You would have left her already if not for the kids. Meanwhile, all of her excuses for the affair are completely unreasonable. Any normal objective person to whom you tell this story is going to agree completely with you and not at all with her. Do not let her get you confused by claiming how unreasonable you are or how you caused her cheating in any way. It's very unlikely she will ever find a man to treat her as good as you have been and her excuses for the affair are laughable. Don't give them any credence at all going forward.
If she refuses to meet your conditions, tell her you are moving on. If you own the house, do not move out, let her move out and find an apartment. You can pay child support, but don't pay for her or her apartment. Get an attorney and get an agreement in place regarding the child support. Expose the affair to her family and yours and ask for their support in saving your family. I, like another poster previously, question if her mother knew about the affair and fostered it.
This seems like a hard line, but it is likely the only way you will get the truth and get her to end what almost definitely is ongoing contact, if not continuing affair. She has to see that you are not willing to accept this type of behavior. As it is, with her laughable affair excuses, with her choice of a 21-year-old for an affair partner, with the way she has lied to you about the extent of the affair and with her ridiculous claim that she didn't have sex with the other man, with the way she has disregarded your feelings completely since supposedly ending the affair, I think she may be too broken to ever fix.
If the local cops are harassing you, then I suggest they haven't ended the relationship.
If it really was over and done a month before you confronted - then the local cops wouldn't care since you personally never even got involved with him. Not at all.
If they are harassing you, it shows that he is still taking an active interest in you.
This guy is a 21 yr old punk. There are lots of guys behind him in line for his job. Do what Lordmayhem suggest - he knows this stuff, he is in the cop business himself and knows his stuff.
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I tolerated exactly similar situation several years back. (although the OM was a normal job supervisor. Now he is a very senior person in an educational establishment - Must be spoiling a lot of young girls-he was addicted to that.) and I am still repenting.
You are not married yet. Please don't get into the marriage. This may not be her first affair. This is the first one that you know or found out. There could be one or many OMs as many other posters have hinted her affection for young men. Rest assured - It wasn't only kiss. People don't take that much trouble for a kiss.
You said you love the family - but this is no family. A family needs a woman with character. You are still young - you can still find a lot of women with character.
I hate my life.
She is going to be home in an hour and I will confront Her then. This will end one way or the other today.
I am going to get ready and calm down a little before She gets here as I am a little nervous and dreading this. I can't go into this though without it being a neutral attitude otherwise I think nothing will get done.
Will check back in and let you guys know what happens either way.
Do not confront her without the voice-activated recorder. You must protect yourself from false charges. She already has the local PD out to get you. If you have to delay the confrontation a day, delay it. One more day is not going to affect the situation one way or another, but confronting without the VAR to protect yourself against false charges could affect the entire rest of your life.
Even podunk PDs are afraid of lawsuits, especially 1983 lawsuits. They can result in jail time for those involved. I have seen people end up with a free pass for almost anything short of committing murder if they have a good case for a 1983 suit that they threaten but do not file.
You need a good lawyer to advise you how to best proceed. Find a former Federal prosecutor or state DOJ guy.
I found myself in a similar situation once (not woman related) where I was falsely charged with a crime because I pissed someone off. I hired a former US Attorney to represent me. Word got out by design, and the SO and DA were more concerned about what I was going to do than what they were trying to do.The case was dismissed when they figured out my lawyer wasn't going to play the good ol' boy plea deal game.
During the time they tried to jam me up, I caught a sheriff's deputy on tape(unbeknownst to the deputy) engaging in egregious conduct towards me. I ended up going to the Sheriff and telling him I had what my lawyer said was a $800,000 audiotape that I really did not want to use, but would if I needed to. I told him all I wanted was for the deputy to get educated and for me to be left alone...no getting pulled over for license plate lights flickering, failure to use a turn signal, etc. I have never had a problem in the 10 years since.
A VAR is a must for dealing with the cops. A video system is even better.
__________________
It is my nature to be your best friend. I am kind, gentle, and loving. But know this:
When it comes to matters of protecting my friends, my family, and my heart, do not trifle with me, for I will be the most powerful and relentless creature you will have ever known.
__________________
It is my nature to be your best friend. I am kind, gentle, and loving. But know this:
When it comes to matters of protecting my friends, my family, and my heart, do not trifle with me, for I will be the most powerful and relentless creature you will have ever known.
I wonder what happened here. If only he had waited to get a VAR and a little more evidence before confronting. Hopefully he's not sitting in some jail cell on false accusations. I don't know how it works for some departments, but in our area, there actually has to be physical proof, otherwise its a "he says, she says" situation.
Honestly, don't marry her. I don't want to seem patronizing, but you are sooo young and trust me...you will think so much different in 10 years. I sort of had/have the same problem as you through the years. I should have ended it when i was 30 and now I am 46 and still dealing with the issues and planning to finally end it. I so wish I didn't wait so long. And I love him, but just no good for each other and he is having a EA (if not PA). Now I have to deal with being a 46 year old trying to start a new life. MUCH HARDER than mid 20's!!
If your relationship is so hard and painful, let it go NOW before more time goes by...you have your whole life ahead of you and hopefully you will pick the right person for you next time.
I understand about your child...that is the hardest part. But remember, she HAS to let you see him/her on your scheduled visits. I would also have the lawyer help you so she can't move more than a certain distance from you. That child is yours too and you have rights as a father.
I see so much of me in you....... you probably won't take the advice, but I hope you do. You will understand in a decade or two.
Find a good, honorable, loving woman!! You deserve it.
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Re: Wife an EA, almost full blow PA 
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