Hello everyone.
Please first off excuse me if I may not make any sense. I am really new to this. I have been doing some reading here, and see that this may be a place that I can get some understanding and help, if not just to talk about what I am going through without being embarrassed.
I guess I should start out by giving a little background.
I met my fiance 4 years ago. We started fast and strong and all was good in the world.
My Fiance comes from an abusive marriage. She has a daughter that I have taken as my own and she knows nothing else than Me as Daddy. She was only just 2 years old when He left. I love Her like she is my own and consider Her that way also.
We have now an 8 month old baby boy together.
From what I am gathering this all started when she was pregnant with my boy. About half way into the pregnancy I lost my job due to layoffs and management changes at a Local Dealership. I was an assistant Parts Manager. It was a hard blow in a time where this area didn't have a lot of job openings. It was hard, times were hard, and we struggled financially.
I was down, out, getting turned down for jobs left and right. While I got a job, (IT work at a hotel), it was not what I wanted to do but what I had to do to take care of my family. I am finally now back into the business that I love and things for me work wise are good.
She says that during that time though, I couldn't see the beautiful life I had, all that I had, and who loved me. She says I was always depressed and in a bad mood, making Her pregnancy hard. She felt I settled for my life, and didn't appreciate Her.
This to me is the farthest from the truth, but I can't and will not ever tell anyone their feelings are wrong.
After our boy was born, all was well I thought, until I dropped the ball on V-Day. I only got a card, and a last minute one at that. I know, it was a bad mistake, and I let myself get caught up in my work, and schedule to not make time to really plan out a nice gift and nice words for Her on Valentines Day.
This is the the time when she started to talk to Mr.A at Her work. He is a customer, and a cop. From what I tell you from here on is what I found out on my own from E-Mail, Facebook, Text.
It started out with just a friendship. She knows a few female cops and are friends with them, and met Mr.A along with them. He was a rookie cop, and young at that. She is 33, I am 27, He was 21.
They started by just talking, then from there it got bad. Her Mother is recovering from cancer, praise the lord, and from time to time she would go over there and spend the night with the Kids to spend time with Her. Innocent in the beginning I know, but it then got excessive, with Her being over there almost once a week, or sometimes multiple times a week.
After about my boys 5 month, she started to want to go out with the girls...live a little, spend girl time, have friends. I was cool with that. We both work really hard, we both average about 50-60 hours a week working each. Soon though, I started to just get this feeling. She didn't really want to be intimate with me, She started to get mad at me about everything, I couldn't do anything right. I do all the cleaning, cooking, fixing, of the house and all. But it wasn't enough. There was always something.
She started to go out more, and stay at Her Moms more. This is when I went through Her phone one day. I saw a text message thread from a name that was just a code....911>3411...I have no idea still what that means.
She shared a photo with this guy...over Her in some sexy underwear. I said nothing, I was shocked, there was flirting texts back and forth, but nothing X-rated. I was hurt, but scared She would leave me if I said anything. I check Her E-Mail. There was a one line link for a hotel in Atlanta, a nice hotel, with some pictures off the internet of what one of the rooms looked like.
This is when i confronted Her, asked Her why she sent this to this guy, same guy as the text but I didn't lead on to connecting the two. She explained the E_mail to Me as a mass E-Mail giving Her address out to everyone on Her Facebook cause she was going to close it, and didn't want to loose everyones info. I am not stupid, I have done, and do IT work on the side, and know the inside and out of technology. I know what mass emails look like and this was to me and exchange of info, and a first time thing to give the guy some contact info.
Things settled down with that until the situation didn't change, and I snooped again and wished I hadn't. This time I went all out in a paranoid state of loosing my family. I found out that she was going to Her moms with the kids, and then leaving to hang out with Him. They would drive around and talk, make plans to go out of town...ie..the hotel in Atlanta. From Her conversations with Him I can confirm they have only kissed, but the emotion was there. Lots of sexual attraction. HE IS SO YOUNG!!!!!!
After gathering up photos she sent Him...this time they were X-Rated, texts from him talking about not wanting to sneak around, texts from her talking about how she likes Him, I confronted Her. She at first denied having anything from Mr.A in Her phone...of course she didn't, Mr.A was 911>3411, and I told Her that, she then knew I knew.
We talked about it, and it was hard, it was like pulling teeth, she avoided everything until I had to prove I knew what was going on. She said then that it was due to me and my attitude during Her pregnancy, that I had made Her feel unappreciated, that she thought I would not change, that I drove Her away. She brought up her Last marriage and said she didn't want to feel that way. I was crushed.
I was never mad, it was crazy, I thought and still think that I would be irate, mad, but none of that...I am numb, scared. I love Her, I feel fear, distrust, betrayed.
By the time I confronted Her, they had not been seeing or talking for a month. I waited that long. She told me that She noticed a difference in me, that she wanted to work things out, that She loves me, that she is in love with me. It is true, we have been trying to work on things...but I can't understand why she feels the way she does.
I look back and yet, it was hard when she was pregnant, but I never stopped loving Her or my family. She only saw the negative. And it drove Her to that.
We are now still working on things, after the blow up and me confronting Her, things seem good. But I still have a problem. I still check on Her facebook, email, phone. I can't stop.....it makes me sick and I know it is wrong. I think my excuse would be that a second time with this would kill me, i don't want to be blind sided. We have kids together, a family, a dog, a house.
I want to trust Her. I need to. I still do love Her very very much, She is the love of my life but something has changed. I am paranoid...is this normal? To not be able to just forget about it like She has? I have tried to bring it up a couple of time sense then, with questions that are burning me up...but she gets then mad, that she wants to forget about it, move on, not keep bringing it up...but I still have questions. It is killing me inside.
Did they talk about me?
Did she say She loved Him?
What did they talk about? HE IS SO YOUNG?
Why did she pick Him?
Why didn't she confront me about my mood, or depression?
Why did she Do it really? She never confronted me before she did it.
I feel lost. We are still together, and we are intimate with each other....all the signs show we are back on track......
But in the back of my mind......
Sorry if this first post makes no sense...I know it is kinda a big mess....hell, i feel like a big mess.
I just read through what I wrote. Sorry guys.
I am not sure if I am asking for answers or what....I just need some people to talk this through with, to help me understand. I have nobody in my life who I can talk with this about. I would never tell any of my friends this.
I am so embarrassed. I feel like I have lost my manhood and am useless now. This situation is my fault I know, from what I have read I know this.....that is what I think is really hard.
She only saw the negative. And it drove Her to that.
This is the thesis statement of the story.
This is NOT your fault. Nothing drove her to do anything except her. One of the first things many people will tell you is that you need to look at your own faults.
While it is true that you need to evaluate yourself and learn from your mistakes, that cluster of thought needs to be interpreted apart from this. Your mistakes did NOT cause her to do this. That is absolute bull**** and it's indicative of a refusal to own up to what she's done.
When she was being a bad wife, did YOU go have an affair? When you look at yourself, do you think that YOU would have had an excuse to go snorkeling in sin just because she went through a bad phase? Absolutely not, because you're principled.
People will say that an affair's blame is split 50/50. That is a LIE. Everyone is responsible for what THEY do. You are responsible for what you did, not what she did.
Okay, so what did you do? What are the wrongs you are guilty of? Let's look at that now. You didn't appreciate her? You didn't appreciate your life?
Let's say for the sake of argument that's true. So you shouldn't have done those things. Your wife needed you to have a zest for her and for life. You had a failing for a certain amount of time. You shouldn't have failed her in that, but you did.
But you were still committed to this woman.
What did she do? She betrayed you and then in a bout of insanity and denial, retroactively blamed you for her actions.
**** THAT. I do NOT accept that. I will NEVER accept that. It is infantile, sinful, and irresponsible. And that's what it really all comes down to.
Zero accountability. She wants to be able to do these riveting, sinful things because she doesn't understand the sheer agony they inflict upon those who love her, and because she doesn't think that there will be consequences.
Dump this *****. There's a reason you can't trust her, and it's because she has lied about everything she can possibly lie about. The only things she has admitted to are the things you had irrefutable proof for.
First thing you need to realize, her cheating is NOT your fault. She could have communicated her issues with the marriage with YOU instead of looking for outside validation.
I guess I should start out by giving a little background.
I met my fiance 4 years ago. We started fast and strong and all was good in the world.
My Fiance comes from an abusive marriage. She has a daughter that I have taken as my own and she knows nothing else than Me as Daddy. She was only just 2 years old when He left. I love Her like she is my own and consider Her that way also.
We have now an 8 month old baby boy together.
It started out with just a friendship. She knows a few female cops and are friends with them, and met Mr.A along with them. He was a rookie cop, and young at that. She is 33, I am 27, He was 21.
We talked about it, and it was hard, it was like pulling teeth, she avoided everything until I had to prove I knew what was going on. She said then that it was due to me and my attitude during Her pregnancy, that I had made Her feel unappreciated, that she thought I would not change, that I drove Her away. She brought up her Last marriage and said she didn't want to feel that way. I was crushed.
By the time I confronted Her, they had not been seeing or talking for a month. I waited that long. She told me that She noticed a difference in me, that she wanted to work things out, that She loves me, that she is in love with me. It is true, we have been trying to work on things...but I can't understand why she feels the way she does.
I want to trust Her. I need to. I still do love Her very very much, She is the love of my life but something has changed. I am paranoid...is this normal? To not be able to just forget about it like She has? I have tried to bring it up a couple of time sense then, with questions that are burning me up...but she gets then mad, that she wants to forget about it, move on, not keep bringing it up...but I still have questions. It is killing me inside.
Did they talk about me?
Did she say She loved Him?
What did they talk about? HE IS SO YOUNG?
Why did she pick Him?
Why didn't she confront me about my mood, or depression?
Why did she Do it really? She never confronted me before she did it.
I feel lost. We are still together, and we are intimate with each other....all the signs show we are back on track......
But in the back of my mind......
Sorry if this first post makes no sense...I know it is kinda a big mess....hell, i feel like a big mess.
You're not married? Just engaged, right?
She likes younger men, it appears.
The reason she gave for her cheating is an excuse.
She now back with you because, even the 21 years old cop knows, there was no future with him. They got together for sex. The young cop had move on from her. Why would he want a 33 year old woman with 2 kids?
Wonder why her first marriage broke down? It'll be instructive for you to talk to her ex-husband. His story is going to vastly different than what you were told by her.
You should talk to her ex. Have a good chat with him before you marry her. Hopefully he tells you the truth. (You are raising his daughter, so he may not want his ex to go back to him for money.)
I think you're still not seeing whole truth of the affair.
It was PA, she's still not telling you the full truth. She didn't plan out going to her mothers just to ride around and talk. She did it to have sex with him.
He didn't hang out with her all that time to talk. He did it to have sex with her.
I know you want to think it was only EA with kissing, but ask yourself: How really likely would a 21 yr old guy and a woman with kids, just stop at kissing when they've got hours together alone? Maybe the first time, not certainly not the second or the rest.
So it was a full on PA - no doubt.
She went to a lot of work to hide it from you and gaslight you. That suggests that it didn't really end, they just got better a hiding it. Things like burner phones and meeting up when you're not around. Such as her lunch break at work.
I suggest you pay the couple hundred $$$ and get her to take a polygraph. She claims they only kissed - ok great polygraph question there. She claims she's no longer cheating - another great yes/no answer.
If her mood changed back at the boy's pregnancy, you should also probe her about past affairs. Its possible she started up with someone back then.
I was hurt, but scared She would leave me if I said anything.
MtnDew, first of all you never deserve to have someone cheat on you, no matter what anyone says.
And also, the issue is not really if you are back together, because if she does it once, she will do it again under the same circumstances.
I get worried about the line I quoted above. This is your marriage. This is your wife. She's sending pictures of herself to other guys. I know - this is all stuff you never had a plan for because you didn't expect. But, I urge you to have an attitude adjustment here. You NEED to say something. And you need to keep saying something to the point where she knows YOU might leave.
If you want to stay together, you need to communicate and get to a place where she knows she did wrong and she is going to expend considerable effort to repair the damage that has been done.
And along with that, find out what drove her to do this. Maybe you can make changes too that will help the marriage.
But no one could fault you if you just wanted to get up and leave. It's your choice. Make the choice from a position of strength and not based on fear. Take charge!
I have went through those thoughts. Every singe time I think of leaving, I think of all of Her family She has thousands of miles away. The thought of Her taking my kids and leaving kill me. I couldn't take it.
That is not the only reason that I don't leave though. I want to believe Her, I want to be with Her, I want to trust Her. It is just so hard.
Those nights, when she was not at Her Moms, I would have the kids when She was out.
I am a family kinda guy, sure I like to go out every now and then, but I like home, I like my family.
I never once looked twice at another woman.
We are only engaged, not married because she wanted to not be pregnant and wear a wedding dress, but I still wear a ring. It means something to me.
I never once cheated on Her. I have 3 numbers of the opposite sex in phone. Mother, Sister, Boss.
I don't chat with females online, over text, at work.
I am 100% dedicated, and want Her to be the same.
We used to have such great times. I have thousands of photos and memories to prove it. I want and hope things to get back to that, and they show that they are, but I have never felt this way before.
I feel as though a part of me is dead. I want it back. I see online how people are able to forgive. I know I can, I know I want to, I even think I have, but I can't forget no matter how much I want to.
I feel like I have a sickness everytime I check Her phone, or E-Mail. I wish she would change Her passwords, I wish I could tell Her to but I know that would make things worse.
IMO, your feelings are very natural, and it is usually difficult to forgive someone who has not yet earned your respect regarding what you are trying to forgive her for.
Her last marriage was abusive. And I mean abuse when I say it. I have seen the photos and police reports. What sent it down the tube was when He beat Her to the point of sending Her to the hospital.
He was jailed, 6 months for the savage beating and she left.
He didn't appreciate Her, and talked down to Her all the time. This was also showed to me in letters and E-Mails He wrote Her.
As for the reasons, She stated when I confronted Her about it that She started to get "Warning bells" and "Red Flags" pop up in Her head over the way that I was acting, and the way that He used to.
She has sense stated that I am nothing like that, but that certain things trigger thoughts that I was doing, and not doing.
I have went through those thoughts. Every singe time I think of leaving, I think of all of Her family She has thousands of miles away. The thought of Her taking my kids and leaving kill me. I couldn't take it.
That is not the only reason that I don't leave though. I want to believe Her, I want to be with Her, I want to trust Her. It is just so hard.
Those nights, when she was not at Her Moms, I would have the kids when She was out.
I am a family kinda guy, sure I like to go out every now and then, but I like home, I like my family.
I never once looked twice at another woman.
We are only engaged, not married because she wanted to not be pregnant and wear a wedding dress, but I still wear a ring. It means something to me.
I never once cheated on Her. I have 3 numbers of the opposite sex in phone. Mother, Sister, Boss.
I don't chat with females online, over text, at work.
I am 100% dedicated, and want Her to be the same.
We used to have such great times. I have thousands of photos and memories to prove it. I want and hope things to get back to that, and they show that they are, but I have never felt this way before.
I feel as though a part of me is dead. I want it back. I see online how people are able to forgive. I know I can, I know I want to, I even think I have, but I can't forget no matter how much I want to.
I feel like I have a sickness everytime I check Her phone, or E-Mail. I wish she would change Her passwords, I wish I could tell Her to but I know that would make things worse.
My friend, this is without a doubt going to be the most difficult part of the process. Reconciling your love for her with what she has done.
Because it doesn't make sense in your world. The bottom line is this-- love is a different thing for you, and conjures different thoughts and principles than it does for her.
And unfortunately what that means is that all those happy moments also meant something different to her than they did to you. I'm not saying she can't love you, I'm saying that you obviously have a more robust capacity to love than she does.
It just sucks. It sucks so bad, but she is not trustworthy. It's horrifying but the reality is that as desperate as she seems right now, reconciliation would only reinforce her behavior.
Her behavior is infidelity, lying, and then blaming. She's still not telling you the truth, of that I am certain.
No way around it, this is going to be difficult for you.
__________________
It is my nature to be your best friend. I am kind, gentle, and loving. But know this:
When it comes to matters of protecting my friends, my family, and my heart, do not trifle with me, for I will be the most powerful and relentless creature you will have ever known.
Last edited by Posse; 06-16-2012 at 06:49 PM.
Reason: tablets suck.....
I am just so lost.
I would not know where to start or even How.
I am not a weak man, nor a needy one. I am not worried about making it on my own, as I am the bread winner at the house, yes she Has a good job also, but I am more than capable than supporting myself and the kids...
She makes it to be that She is sorry for what happened. At the same time though, She wraps up all that happened into a package, and not a single issue. Its like she takes responsibility for it, but it being a whole big situation, and not a single action.
I am torn because she says she loves me, is in love, wants to work on things, wants to forget, move on. How stupid it was.
She told me that it was just a stupid mistake, that He was nothing of a future for Her. Its like she felt she needed a release. She told Me that He was not a person She could ever take home to Mom, or be with. That is what hurts also, why doop down to a lower level. It is sick, but I almost wish it was a Doctor, or some rich guy.
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Wife an EA, almost full blow PA 
