Shaggy

You're wife is as Will_K pointed out living the life of a cheater.

You say yourself her best friends are themselves cheaters. That says it all. We tend to surround ourselves with those who's values and actions we respect and want to emulate.

When she sat beside the guy - that was her and him having a lovely thrill at throwing their relationship right in your face that night. She knew the affect it was having on you, and so did he. They likely talked at length later about how thrilling and naughty they were and how good it felt to do it right in front of you when there was nothing you could do or prove.

See the problem is she's been coached by her cheater friends on how to play the game.

- She's got a nice hobby that gives her reason to be away for hours, even go over to the OMs house for hours. All she has to do is run a few of the times, and the others give her a couple of free hours to meet up with him.

- I think you'll find she's got a burner phone. Likely in her car or if she's got a workout bag.

- Those times when she's out with the cheater friends - again perfect cover for her and well them, stepping out for dates and sex.

- You say she doesn't wear underwear anymore. Doesn't that chafe? Doesn't that get her clothes messy? You say she doesn't like intimacy with you, so clearly this is for someone else's benefit.

You have possibly three routes to go:

1. Simply file for D. Get a good lawyer and take action. If you live in a nofault state, then proving her cheating won't do anything to help your case.

2. Hire a PI. This will be a little expensive, but he'll get the dirt.

3. Do surveillance yourself. While she's clearly been coached by her cheater friends on how to gaslight you to think you're crazy, no one is perfect. It looks like she's been playing these games for years with only few times you've caught her. She's learned from these times and gotten better at the game - hence things like the burner phone.

- I would put a GPS tracker on her car along with a VAR in it.
- I would take her car for a oil change and search it high and low for the burner phone.
- I would put VARs in your home, including the bedroom and where she might do to talk on the phone. This is if she has time alone at home - I suspect she's smart enough to compartmentalize her contact to the OM when she is out of the house running or training.

- See if you can get a keylogger on her computer. It sounds like you might have to break into it to install one however.

From you tale, I think she's been at it a while with a number of partners. One thing a PI might be able to do, is to observe her with the current guy you suspect and see how she acts when you aren't there.

If you do find she is cheating, don't confront her directly. First go talk to the OMW and bring your evidence.

Simon Phoenix

Well, what else is there to say? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck...

In case you haven't figured it out yet, ILYBNILWY is the 1986 Hulk Hogan legdrop to any dating scenario, much less a relationship. This is code for her basically telling you that not only does she no longer sees you as a sensual being, but she has already checked out and having auditions as we speak. Her girlfriends, who know every trick in the book, are likely giving her step-by-step instructions in terms of how to blameshift, gaslight, and everything else in order to keep you around to fund her escapades.

Knock the bricks from under her by dropping the papers on her. Make the idea of her having to find guys who are willing to be with an adulterous divorcee with a kid a very REAL reality; not many upstanding men are going to sign up for that gig unless they're poor, broke, desperate (i.e. have no game and can't get laid by any other means), and so on.

Shock and awe, my friend. Shock and awe...
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OldWolf57

Looks like we got another runner. They come hoping we can tell them the same thing their wife tell them. When we tell them the truth, they run. Come back man and let these people help you.

hookares

Or, maybe he said something "wrong".
I wish I had the answers that would clue these guys in
on what they are facing without making them appear to be too
dense to see the forrest, but alas, just about everybody has to get burned before they wake up.
All he had to do is read a few narratives others have provided and he should have already formulated a permanent reaction to his dilemma.

name.user

No runner. Busy business to grow. Interesting feedback. Wife and I talked, at length. She claims I have delusional jealousy disorder and that I am ruining our family. She asked me to leave, I said no and she said she would and then sat our kids down and told them she was leaving. She didn't leave. I have an mc appt Thursday.
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keko

Man she's cake eating, don't waste a single penny on mc. You KNOW she's cheating, why bother?

Shaggy

Of course she is going to call you crazy and deny. At this point she's a practiced liar with everything to loose if she was honest.

that's why we told you to get evidence then act.

Now she knows you are suspicious and will be laying low for a while.

name.user

Through my delusional jealousy disorder I often look at her and it appears she has something on her mind, like she is just on the brink of telling me something, but I think whatever she has to tell me is so heavy she may be afraid to lose me forever. Dunno. One day at a time. After our fight on Fathers Day I've decided to play along until I can sort out some evidence and thoughts. I'm still on track, just being prudent.
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keko

When she's at OMs garage exercising, is his wife there as well? Can you check her discreetly?

wiigirl

I agree...accept only 100% when it comes to love. Anything else is less and will be less.
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Maricha75

Wait...to me, this sounds like "she says it, so it must be true"...

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name.user

Yes. I have not checked up on her, but have seen the texts to an fro. This is a guy who openly flirts in front of his wife. But, some are truly okay with their spouse flirting, I get that.

SprucHub

Name.user - I am going to go against the grain here. You have no proof of anything and keep confronting her. Accuse someone with evidence or do not accuse them. A cheater and a non-cheater will respond the same way, "I am not doing anything." Generally, a non-cheater would likely take care to assuage your suspicions by being comforting, while a cheater will take offense as a means of gas-lighting, but it may be offensive to be accused of doing something you aren't. In either case, you let the non-cheater know your self-esteem is weak (not-sexy) and you let the cheater know that your suspicions are aroused, so to be careful.

Regardless of whether she is cheating, she told you she is not in love with you - 2 years ago. WTF is the difference if she's cheating or not? I am not in love with you does not necessarily mean that she is cheating, it means she does not want sex with you. This would explain the diminishing intimacy, no? This requires immediate remedy (2 years late), including a 180, putting her on a budget regarding spending, and understanding where the relationship is headed. You are the sole provider, so you are funding her lifestyle of fun without you?

Get a few VARs, plant them and wait.

But stop with the accusations and bringing it up all the time. Tell her or write her a letter/email if you cannot unemotionally communicate, that you have a beautiful wife who has stated she is not attracted to you. Regardless, you love her and want to keep your family together. You have suspicions, because of these facts. You have no proof and will stop looking for it (hope she does not find VARs), but that you expect she stops saying you are crazy, because you are not. If your children are school age, she should be working (maybe helping you out), not home all day doing nothing (or no one), or producing tangible results for the home (cleaning, cooking, . . .).

Also, when throwing a dinner party, proper etiquette is to separate couples so they mingle and socialize with others. Admittedly, this is rarely done and if you were the only ones separated, that would be weird. Point taken that the host puts a guest he wants to sit near next to himself.

name.user

The fear was from being first time pregnant, not married and living 2000 miles from family. She would tell me I ruined her life because of the pregnancy, but she explained her hormones were talking.

Curious, are any of the responding posters Therapists? If yes, your thoughts?

Tainted Halo

This sounds like my scenario, damn.. cake eaters