So, my wife and I have known each other since we were kids. Through college we 'hooked up' occasionally and always had great rapport. Prior to planning a marriage, my wife became pregnant. She, out of fear and uncertainty, moved out of our apartment five months before delivering our child. I followed her across country, proposed and she put the marriage off once before finally marrying. Fast forward eight years... on a bike ride with two of our friends, (I was not present) she gave our phone number to a fellow rider. A few days later he called, I was furious. I shared with her my feelings and dismay. A week later, at an organized ride, we ran into this gentleman and it was obvious to both of us his intentions. Fast forward another year, we are having a holiday dinner with a bunch of friends who are more well known to my spouse than me. My wife proceeded to flirt with full body language right in front of me. Again, I shared my feelings with her and she denied the intent and act and proceeded to call me paranoid and jealous.
Fast forward another year, now I am paranoid and begin to check cell records as her social group had changed, her initmacy with had decreased and she was working out and training for running races in a coed group. After a race, I checked our mobile records and tracked a number down to one gentleman whom she had a 25-30 minute conversation with post race. From then on I was suspicious of her training and training partners as often it would be a call full of couples traveling who were not spouses.
After much fighting over my jealousy and our lack of intimacy, we finally arrived a good place the last few months. My wife is truly stunning, so my friends and other men cannot help to look away. I get home from a weekend away and I find she friended one of my buddies on FB and sent him a private email mentioned what a great name he had and asking if my buddy would be available for a high cost vacation as surprise for me.
Based on my history and suspicion, am I being nuts or right to be continually suspicious?
Post 2:
So here I am. A few other things I forgot to mention. That same guy she flirted with is a buddy and he and his wife invite us to their christmas party. Interestingly, he chose to seat her on his right side and place me in the middle of the table of twenty. My wife, knowing my feelings, did not try to move positions and sat there all night fully aware of my past comments. To top it off, she is friends with this guys wife and goes to his house three times a week for cross fit in their garage.
I also received the I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore spiel about two years ago. Her two closest friends are admitted adulterers, both of which she runs with frequently and often comes home telling me they didn't run, they walked. Always in the morning. I initiate all intimacy, period unless she is guilted into it. She used to come home and shower immediately, not so much anymore. Now she goes sans panties in her pants often, total change.
Around the time I posted the intiial post, i had her laptop on a business meeting and checked email. TUrns out, one of her running buddies, who creeped her out initially is now funny and sent her and her two running buddies an email with photos of the baywatch girls.
When confronted with all this, she says I am jealous, schizo or bi polar and I have a problem and I am using this as an excuse to end our marriage etc...
My gut says there is something way wrong, but I have no proof. She has changed all her passwords after I had her laptop, as she found out I had it. I started checking phone records again, but nothing is conclusive, although there are no numbers associated with data usage for some records, it just says phone in att records.
Thus far I have not tailed her or done anything creepy and wish to refrain from doing so.
Okay, name. I'm pretty notorious in these parts for being the last person to jump on the "she's cheating" wagon.
But I'm jumping on the "she's cheating" wagon. Or she's about to.
More importantly, it sounds to me like she's just not invested in your marriage, and I'm not sure she ever has been. There's definitely something wrong.
Snooping? Well, why? You already know what you know. Now you just have to decide what to do about it. Do you love her desperately and want her back? Or do you want to move on? Those are both completely legitimate positions, and you're the only one who can decide.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. Keep posting here, you'll find lots of folk who have been in the exact same spot. Best.
The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" when married is equivalent to, "lets just be friends" when you're dating. Personally if it were me, I pack up my bike and ride off into the sunset.
I love you but not in love with you means- I've found someone else and want to try that out, but I don't want to be a big douche and just leave you...so I'll drag it out a bit so you don't leave me, and I can cake eat while I decide. Ok?
That same guy she flirted with is a buddy and he and his wife invite us to their christmas party. Interestingly, he chose to seat her on his right side and place me in the middle of the table of twenty. My wife, knowing my feelings, did not try to move positions and sat there all night fully aware of my past comments. To top it off, she is friends with this guys wife and goes to his house three times a week for cross fit in their garage.What to do?
I did go in investigative mode. I made the wrong decision and confronted her and of course I was the bad guy and led to many fights. I am now resolved to be super stealthy and simply gather information. Also, I've schedule an appt with a Psychologist to process all of this.
It's not so easy to pull the trigger with four kids and being the sole provider. The thought of not being home every night for the kids is sobering.
I tend to go on high-alert whenever I hear that "love you but not in love with you" tripe. I always take that to mean the partner-in-question is having an affair, and is not invested in the marriage emotionally.
I believe she is either having an affair, or had an affair in the past. She's played it off and let you do all the hard work to keep the marriage intact, but she is not taking her vows seriously.
I'm sure you're dying to know the truth, but I feel that you already have enough information as it is. She is accusing, she is emotionally distant, and she crosses boundaries regularly and easily, with no sense of guilt or remorse.
End this, and take control of your life. Divorce, and leave. You deserve better than her.
Exactly. I was floored how comfortable they looked together and floored she would stay in the seat as she knew how I felt.
Honestly, I would have said something right then and there. He had no business separating you two at the table. You didn't say... were other couples separated at the table as well? And the fact that your wife was fine with it, KNOWING how you felt... says a lot.
Continuous confrontation about any suspicious or flirty behavior serves no porpouse. At very least your wife has very poor boundaires. I'm sorry but I suspect she's actually cheating, possible doing it for a while (Since before the ILYBINILWY speech). You need to go low key but way deeper into investigation mode. Keyloggers, checking the phone bill with the phone, possibly VARs. You neeed undoubtable evidence before any real confrontation. This cat and mouse game has to end. Think about what your boundaires and dealbreakers are and start respecting yourself.
Honestly, I would have said something right then and there. He had no business separating you two at the table. You didn't say... were other couples separated at the table as well? And the fact that your wife was fine with it, KNOWING how you felt... says a lot.
Yeah, I hate conflict avoidance. If you are uncomfortable with something just deal with it right then and there. Do not pout about stuff. As they say a coward dies a thousand deaths.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
216Likes
I love you but I'm not in love with you 
