It has been 5 months since my husband left, 3 since I found out he was cheating. If you want to know the full story look for 'he cheated on me with an 18 year old" ... I don't know how to link it. When he left my babies were 22 month old and 4 weeks old. My youngest girl is not 6 months old. She sits up, rolls over, chats... My little boy now says 'big truck' and dances up a storm. I still have to wait another 7 months of my husband screwing his new gf before I can file for divorce (OZ laws). I wish I could say I'm much better.... but I can't. While I don't feel dazed anymore and I can actually fall asleep, it's hard in other ways. I'll have moments of feeling happy with my children and then something happens and I feel so much lower than ever before. Like yesterday, all of a sudden my little son just began crying hysterically and standing by the front door calling 'dada dada'. I didn't know what to do. I feel like I've ruined his life. I didn't cheat, I didn't leave, I don't neglect my kids, I'm not the *******. Yet, I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault I gave them this father and not another.
I spent almost 8 years with this person. I moved across the world for him. I commuted from Boston to NYC for the last 6 months of university, so I could live with him and get my visa in time for when his was going to run out... so we could be together. I worked full time so he could work part-time and follow his dream of making it as a professional musician. And he is now. And not with me.
Now I get to wonder if an 18 year old is hanging out with my kids when they're with him. Now I get to be mature about this. Everybody says I need to get over it, stop controlling, accept the situation. But my heart breaks. When we decided to have children I never imagined I would have to part with them on regular basis. I come from an 'intact' family. Letting my children go weekly is unfathomable... heart wrenching. I don't know if I can live like this. I really don't.
5 months later, and no easier. I don't want to be with him, I don't. But I feel broken for life. I will not trust anybody again. Nobody saw this coming. Nobody. So far he has given up a wife, children, a house, most of his friends, his reputation.... A teacher screwing his student. I still feel tempted to tell on him sometimes. But it's no good for my children, and she's no longer his student. I can't prove it, etc. I quit FB in order not to continue hurting myself and checking. I'm still in pain.
Anybody out there survived something similar? Words of encouragement welcome.
ps. some people say it's my fault for getting with a musician... I didn't even know he was a musician when i first met him... he was a conservatory nerd, never got any girls, didn't do drugs. It wasn't like that. We were both young. I expected him to grow with me, he expected me to stay the same... impossible, either way you look at it.
I'm sorry that you're stuck having to wait a year when you'd rather be done and divorced. He sounds like a selfish jerk and you're making the right choice in planning to file. I know it' really hard to imagine life without someone when you've built and re-organized your life around/with that person, but you will get through it. Try to do things just for yourself, as if he didn't exist or had died; I say that because your old relationship died when you found out that he was capable of hurting you and what you're going through sounds a lot like grief. Allow yourself to live for you; this might sometimes feel very difficult if your lives have been entwined for a long time. Make time to go out with friends on the weekends when your kids are visiting their dad so that you don't just sit at home and miss them. Take some time to indulge your own happiness.
You are right, you did not cheat. You did everything you knew how to protect your family.
Maybe there was a reason your children were born to YOU. Maybe some other mother would (through no fault of her own) break down under the strain of this horrible situation. Maybe she would have lost her mind, or become an alcoholic, or decided she needed a piece of that and started trawling bars for a warm male body to replace the one she lost.
But you have done none of those things--things we could hardly blame you for doing if you had. Instead, you have moved forward--figuring out how to stay employed, figuring out how to be strong in front of your children, and gaining I hope some new-found respect for how STRONG you are even when you don't feel that way.
I have read many a story from grown men in particular speaking with profound love and admiration for a mother who raised them on her own. It is clear you have this same capability. He is the one who is missing so much. The fact that he may not ever understand this makes him MORE of a lost soul, not less.
Thank you for your encouragement everyone. It really helps to hear some sort of a kind word. Yeah, I guess I am going through grief moxy. I never really have anybody close to me die (32 years...lucky), or if they did they were far away... So this is the first time I feel such an intense pain. The most painful aspect is the fact that he moved on for 5 months already (but really, while I was pregnant so more like 10). He comes over, so happy, so ignorant. He tries to act demure but you can see how joyful he is. It hurts so much. To think of it another way it feels not like only he died, but so did I....and he's dancing on my grave
iheart life that is a very good perspective. I am trying like hell to move forward, crawling forward on all four, if you will. Thanks for alleviating my guilt over the children. I just simply think 'how can my boy survive this with his little innocent heart, if he feels even a fraction of what I feel?' I am strong for my little abandoned children. And I will continue to be, but I don't know how to be strong for me. I seem to be losing my fighting spirit, like my battery is drained. I just feel so down. I don't understand,why now? I haven't felt so down yet...
honey you are fixated on whether or not your STBX relationship with OW will fail or not
I think it's due to one or a combo of 3 reasons
1) You want him to hurt or get his "due"
2) You want him to come back
3) You are pinning your self worth up against an 18 year old hussy
The 1st reason is beyond your control, so your desire for revenge (if you have it) unfortunately cannot be done in the manner in which you seek. It needs to be done by showing indifference, showing him you are happier without him and by having a better life with or without someone else down the line.
The next 2 reasons are directly tied into each other
To me if you gain more confidence you frankly wouldn't want him back as you deserve better. Let the 18 year old hussy have him, she deserves a cheater not you. You deserve a man who will respect, cherish and love a beautiful woman like yourself and be loyal.
Complexity, no I don't plan on coming back to the States. Life here is beautiful, even for single moms. My money is worth more, education is pretty much free, free health care... It's just better for my kids. Plus, I do want them to have a father. All kids deserve a dad, and since he wants to be in their lives (twice a week and no more), at least that's better than nothing.
Almostrecovered, I see what you mean. I most certainly want him do hurt and get his due. God knows how much I want that. It's wrong, and it makes me feel no better than him... but I just want him to get a taste of his own medicine. I want him to see how stupid he was/is, how absurd this situation has become. I don't want him back. I wish I could rewind time and this never happened, but I would NEVER take him back. He might have some distorted view on it, but I only tolerate him because of the kids. Otherwise my **** would be packed, I'd be back in the US, and he would have been already punched in the face. I think what you have nailed completely though is point #3. My self-esteem has been shattered by this. What really blows me away is that I have not gained a pound of baby weight and I seriously look exactly the same as I did for the past 5 years. So why? Why? Because I am old? 32 is old compared to 17... sure I have 15 years on her! That's what pisses me off... I'm 32 for Christ's sake, not 52. Even 52 year olds should feel free to ****ing age. WTF? So yes, you are right. That's what hurts me. I'm better looking, but she's younger. And there is nothing I can use to console myself regarding that fact. My ex killed my self-esteem and trust in men. I hate my life (except for my beautiful kids)
Complexity, no I don't plan on coming back to the States. Life here is beautiful, even for single moms. My money is worth more, education is pretty much free, free health care... It's just better for my kids. Plus, I do want them to have a father. All kids deserve a dad, and since he wants to be in their lives (twice a week and no more), at least that's better than nothing.
Almostrecovered, I see what you mean. I most certainly want him do hurt and get his due. God knows how much I want that. It's wrong, and it makes me feel no better than him... but I just want him to get a taste of his own medicine. I want him to see how stupid he was/is, how absurd this situation has become. I don't want him back. I wish I could rewind time and this never happened, but I would NEVER take him back. He might have some distorted view on it, but I only tolerate him because of the kids. Otherwise my **** would be packed, I'd be back in the US, and he would have been already punched in the face. I think what you have nailed completely though is point #3. My self-esteem has been shattered by this. What really blows me away is that I have not gained a pound of baby weight and I seriously look exactly the same as I did for the past 5 years. So why? Why? Because I am old? 32 is old compared to 17... sure I have 15 years on her! That's what pisses me off... I'm 32 for Christ's sake, not 52. Even 52 year olds should feel free to ****ing age. WTF? So yes, you are right. That's what hurts me. I'm better looking, but she's younger. And there is nothing I can use to console myself regarding that fact. My ex killed my self-esteem and trust in men. I hate my life (except for my beautiful kids)
Karma is not the right word for it. But I think you can take great comfort in something that I can only call, for lack of a better term, cosmic balance.
If you throw a small pebble into a pond, it will make ripples. There's simply no way it can't make ripples. And there's no way to avoid the clear, albeit small, distortions it makes. Maybe it will disturb a bit of algae. Maybe a few fish will swim away. But one thing is certain, there was a response.
God designed it this way- it is written into the fabric, the very DNA of existence. You can't do something without it having an effect on others, and especially you. And his occurs in an emotional sense, not just a physical, empirical sense.
So if a f@cking meteor gets thrown into the pond, we're going to see a little bit more than algae and fish being rearranged.
This is the way God created things- there is no way around it-- your husband will feel the effects of what he has done because it is as powerful and irrefutable a law as gravity itself. Newton said every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Long before him the Christ said you will reap what you sow. Some people call it karma. I call it cosmic balance.
Call it what you will. This is going to take its toll on him, no matter what.
All you need to worry about is getting to the point where you no longer want or care about vindication.
Because sweetheart, that's the best vindication there is.
EDIT: There are those of us who love women who know what they're doing. Women who aren't old, but are powerful and strong-willed. Not all of us are led away so easily by the little teenage skanks. You'll find someone worthy of you.
my wife just turned 36 and I seriously am not lying when I say that she looks better than ever
my self confidence was crumbled as well from infidelity and somehow I managed to get it back. I refuse to let one person, no matter how much I love(d) them, to determine my self-worth.
Look at this way- 18 year old skank didn't win (she got him after all)
he didn't leave you for her in the real sense- instead he ran from responsibility, he ran from his kids, he ran from being what good man does, he ran having to face what real and mature love is (hard work!!), he ran from becoming older and chose an 18 year old to party with and be "young and free" longer. He is a boy, not a man. He is immature and not able to live with responsibility nor handle such a strong woman such as yourself.
I peeked at your picture on your profile and even though it's a side profile and as much as I don't like to make judgements of this sort based solely on looks, I think you are one heckuva pretty woman and I think you would have no problems finding a good man as you will likely have them lining up to date you and you will get to make your choice. Early to mid 30's women are incredibly sexy, they hit their peak at that age and I am dead serious that if I were single again I would be looking square at that age range for someone to date.
Of course not! It's not about you, your age, what you look like or the kind of person you are.
This is about HIM, all about him. He's the conservatory nerd who never got the girls back when he was young, and now finds himself in a position to "relive" his younger days only this time he has young girls attracted to him. This is about his lack of self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, and trying to bolster it through the admiration of a young girl - he was her teacher! He's feeling like the lady-killer he never was but always wanted to be. He will never be truly happy because that comes from the inside and he is seeking it from the outside. His problems will follow him no matter who he is with because they are HIS problems, all about HIM, not anyone else.
You are young and beautiful and thoughtful and kind. You will have a wonderful life with your children and, eventually, with a man who appreciates you. This is the worst time for you, but you will recover and be happy again one day. Be confident in that.
So if a f@cking meteor gets thrown into the pond, we're going to see a little bit more than algae and fish being rearranged.
WhiteMousse I really hope you are correct. My whole life is turned upside down and I'm sick over it. Every day seems the same now...get up, go to work, come home, take care of the kiddos, and then spend a lonely evening squirming and trying to figure out how to get better. I think I've hit my depression stage now. I haven't felt this sort of down ever before. In religious terms, since you're a religious man, I try to think of it as an act of mercy on God's behalf. Maybe now is the best time for my marriage to go down the sh*tter if it must....? I don't know. I hope that he feels it too, eventually. I just always thought that if 2 people break up, they both suffer. More or less, but both. I seem to have the single parent thing, single earner thing, divorce thing, and watching my husband screw somebody else thing. I wish it was one thing at a time. But perhaps it is an act of mercy. Perhaps I'll get this over with now and move on with my life. Be happy. Or perhaps I'm digging too deep into it and I need to take it for what it is. ****. When things get this complicated I think we tend to look for something else to help us.
Almostrecovered, again you're right I think. He ran. He's a kid. What I keep thinking is though is that unabled him! I mean, not consciously. I thought to love was to give. Except I did and he didn't. A hard lesson to learn, but one I will most certainly carry with me from now on. I'm glad that 30's isn't old and you speak so sweetly of your wife. Maybe one day somebody would speak of me like that... I don't think I'll let that happen though. I don't trust myself and my pick of men anymore.... even though he was only my 2nd serious relationship and my first one was the complete opposite of him. And yeah, it's the peak years and they are lonely years for now. At least I have my kids. They couldn't give a **** less about my faults. They love me just they way I am
norajane, what you said about being a nerd and now feeling like the man is spot on. It certainly appears to me that he is running and looking for validation. What sucks is the fact that even though it's about him, he took me down with him. And my pride hurts. This whole thing is frankly humiliating. Maybe I needed to be taken down a notch though? I never thought this would happen to me. Perhaps we all need to learn to never say 'never'. Yes, it's all about him. Give me some time and it won't be in my book anymore. I just get worried that he'll screw up the kids. Two nights ago my little 2 year old started crying hysterically and calling out for him. I texted him to give his son a call and to just say goodnight. No response. He was away with the 18 year old for the weekend. It's all about him. He didn't just break my heart, he broke my little boy's too. I'm thankful my little girl is only 6 months old and couldn't care less right now. I don't want my kids to have rejection issues. But it's all about him... selfish git.
Honey, I don't have any advice because Lord knows I'm still struggling too but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone in your grief and pain. I'm right there with you. Prayers are going up for you and your babies!
5Likes
He left 5 months ago....still with OW 
