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Needy female friend- is this emotional infidelity?

46K views 260 replies 60 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I dated for 5 years and have been married for 2. I trust him not to cheat on me sexually, but I wonder about his attachment to his friend.

My husband and this woman have been friends for 18 years. His closeness with her has made me uncomfortable from the start. Back when we were dating, he would have her over for "movie night" and they would watch movies in his closed bedroom all night long. I questioned their relationship back then, but he was never secretive about it and other friends would corroborate that there was nothing between them physically.

She's kind of a "guy's girl" - primarily has male friends, loves to go out drinking, burps, farts, etc in public without shame. She's smart, funny, and outgoing. I tried to maintain a friendship with her because she is important to my husband. After my first issues were resolved, I got over my concerns and accepted her as just another of my husband's many friends.

HOWEVER, since around the time my husband and I got married (2 years ago), she has been extremely needy and demanding of his time. We moved to a neighboring state, but live about 4 hours from her so visits aren't impossible. She has a common law husband that she been with for years, she has a large family and many friends local to her yet she calls my husband at all hours of the night and day for his help dealing with her problems.

He has been pretty good about more or less avoiding her calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, etc because he doesn't seem to like being smothered by her. But she keeps upping the stakes and finding ways to make him feel compelled to go see her. She's always relied on him to be her hero and I never had any jealousy or resentment, just a mild irritation that she doesn't find someone else to hold her hand through life's many hiccups.

I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. I am no longer comfortable with my husband leaving me for days at a time to help his friend deal with her every day life. I haven't once said "you can't see her" or "it's her or me" or anything along those lines. But when she called him crying and demanding he go up there right away and he agreed to go up there. Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend. I don't think there is a sexual component in all of this, I think she is freaking out that her back up man and best male friend is now happily married and starting a family. But I also don't think it's fair that he stays with her and tends to her all night and day while he's in town. He used to stay with family, now he stays with this friend.

The level of "crazy" she has reached is really upsetting to me. She has started messaging me to get him to respond to her faster. "Tell him he HAS TO CALL ME, it's an emergency" or "I know your there, tell him to call me!" etc. I addressed it with my husband and expressed that I trust them not to be sexually intimate, but that he needs to talk to her about this. He agrees that once the baby is here she can't be doing this, but he also insists that staying with her is no big deal because her house is really comfortable and closer to town than his other housing options when he goes up there.

What it has come down to is the fact that he promised not to stay in her house this weekend when he goes up there again. He promised to stay with his mother who is very much looking forward to seeing him. But then I heard him on the phone telling his friend to "get the guest room ready for him" and making plans. I confronted him and he tried to make me feel silly for worrying. At this point, is the fact that he is choosing his own laziness (wanting a nicer room to bunk in) and her needs for his attentions over the simple request of his concerned wife grounds for claiming emotional infidelity?

I don't know what this will do to our relationship if he lies to me and stays with her anyway. I have told him so. I don't know what else to do. I feel like he gets a huge ego boost being the man she calls on despite her having many other options that are much closer. He's always liked being the hero and he always will. But with this particular friend, I am extremely uncomfortable. It's creating a lot of negative tension and he won't make any effort to do anything about it. Right down to telling me what I want to hear and planning to do what he wants anyway. To me, that feels like cheating.
 
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#34 ·
I agree with everyone here.

I understand how you feel -- I would feel the same way too. I'm sorry, but I don't totally believe it is just "friendship" especially with your husband staying at her house. You simply have to put your foot down and talk to your husband (NOT the "friend") that this situation should not continue.

Good luck! I hope your husband realizes what his action is causing you.
 
#36 ·
I had two close male friends and I had dated each of them when I was much younger. When they got into serious relationships, neither of their partners wanted me around because they felt insecure. Even though I miss my friends, I graciously stepped down. There are no more calls or visits.

If this woman was a real friend of your husband's, she would do the same.

Since your husband sees her alone in her home for weekends, I wouldn't be surprised if he was already banging her. Closed door movie nights? Give me a break! You have been allowing this to go on for far too long. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.
 
#37 ·
I'm sorry but your husband is an EA. My husband said similar things about a Co worker who he has only known a few months. i will be moving out on Friday.....

Either this stops or it doesn't. And it looks like its not going to stop by your husbands actions. It is time for some consequences. Are you ready for that? The disrespect he is showing to you and your marriage is unbelievable!!!
 
#41 ·
I had a needy friend just like this.

My wife told me that she was 'after me'. But I didn't believe my wife. I think this was because my wife had been brutally honest about my physical looks (her Aspieness talking as I later realised) so I knew that my needy friend could not see me in a sexual way, right? Wrong!

I heard this second-hand.

When my wife and I got our first home together needy friend became hysterical at a mutual friend's house: "Matt's moved in with her! Now I know we'll never be together!" and balled her eyes out for over an hour.

And I never had a clue that she felt about me in this way.

It transpired she thought I'd make a good father for her two boys. Sadly it was this needy friend who was the person I confessed my affair to, who told me I should confess to my wife. So I feel I really lost a good friend.:(
 
#42 ·
It would make my blood boil if my husband called a close female friend (he doesn't have any) and shared a very private conversation we were having about her.

I'm sorry, but I think your husband IS in an emotional affair. The two of them have an alliance. You're on the outside. You know in police interrogation rooms where you can look in but can't see out. Well they can see in (see you) but you can't see what they're up to. When a husband shifts his alliance from his wife to a female friend, that's an affair.

If he would so casually MAKE you talk to her, you can bet he's shared many, many intimate details about your marriage that she shouldn't know. You know far less about her than she knows about you. He's not acting like a happily married man.

Have you read the book Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? It's an excellent book that shows how the transition from friendship to affair happens slowly . Here's a free 10 question quiz "Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?"

Dr. Shirley Glass - Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?

I don't want to beat you up over this, but you have been far too tolerant. What were you thinking when you allowed them to have closed door movie sessions together? I realize it's hip these days to show that one isn't jealous or insecure, but really close platonic male/female friendships happen on TV, movies and the books. In real life things get messy fast if both people have very poor boundaries.
 
#43 · (Edited)
****My husband and I had a long discussion about the matter on a trip home to see my family for my birthday. 3 hours in the car each way allowed for a lot of talk time. He defended his friend and his fidelity. I explained many times over that I was never truly concerned about them having sex, but the fact that he was defending her like she had equal status was the problem in itself.

At one point he pulled off the road and called his friend. I was horrified and asked him not to make this is a discussion with her. It's our marriage, she doesn't get a say in it. He did it anyway while I just sat there and cried. He told her that I wasn't allowing him to see her anymore because I thought they were having a sexual affair- which is not the case at all! Then he handed me the phone which I started not to take, but then figured "what the hell" and explained to her my issues in a general way.

I said that I respect their 18 years of friendship, that I am not concerned about any sexual component to their relationship, but that I cannot accept that she reaches out to him for her every emotional need. That I cannot allow my husband to spend weekends alone with her regardless of how many other friends they see while he's up there. She cannot call EVERY DAY and she needed to find another support base. She did the whole "I understand" thing and then proceeded to give me marital advice!!!! I told her I was not going to have this conversation with her and hung up.

I tried a different approach with my husband the next day on our return trip home. I calmly gave examples of what he does for me as my husband- birthday trips, attending funerals, attending weddings, holding me when I'm upset, etc. Then I explained that she calls him for the EXACT same things despite the fact that she has her own husband. Because that's the issue. He seemed to understand it when he realized that she does ask him to attend funerals, weddings, etc with her. He said he wouldn't stay with her and that he was sorry. ****

too much talk, you sound to your husband like the adults on Peanuts. You're trying to sound as if you're the good guy here, ready to negotiate and compromise and we can tell that this woman is not about compromise. They usually aren't.

I know now, if people don't get my non verbal messages, then they're either playing dumb or are too dumb to waste my time on.

You can be sure, if I were in your situation, I would have been on the phone to mutual friends asking them to help take care of this woman because I am pregnant and my husband just no longer has the time.

you might as well try it. Your efforts to be honest broker has certainly backfired (as I had already predicted.)
 
#45 ·
From my POV this isn't a friend ship, he's been having an 18 year EA. the minute he committed to you and certainly after you married, that "friendship" should have ended "cold turkey". Simply put, you need to demand that he choose either you or her and that he chooses now, not after the baby. I would also back it up by contacting lawyer if he doesn't comply. Your husband seems to be very immature and you share a fair amount of blame for allowing this to go on as long as it did.
 
#47 ·
He spoke to her after your conversation with him. I can only guess that he values his relationship with her more than his marriage. That is sad, If you do not say or do anything it will continue. You set your boundry and he crossed it. What are you going to do about It. If nothing you are going to be misserable. HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF!! HE DOESN"T so it is time for consequenses.
 
#48 ·
:iagree:

He will not sever the damaging relationship with the OW until he fully realizes that there are consequences. The OW will not budge as she loses nothing. She is confident that this will go underground if need be (as evidenced by him calling her after this exchange). The H has proven that this relationship will go underground by placing the call to her. Time for the "big guns"
 
#50 · (Edited)
he would have her over for "movie night" and they would watch movies in his closed bedroom all night long.
NO matter how of "guy's girl" she is, staying behind closed doors in unacceptable. I was a guy's girl myself, but my bf started feeling uncomfrtable with who I considered one of my best friend, I broke off with that friend and we rarely hang out together, and it's only if my bf is with me. (this friend of mine is serial cheater, so I could understand why my bf felt so umcomfortable, he is the only that matter most to me not some guy friend). Also just because his friend's say nothing is going on, doens't mean there isn't. You will see on here, most of the time more than 1-3 friends know of the affair, often egging them and supoprting them to cheat.


she has been extremely needy and demanding of his time. She has a common law husband that she been with for years, she has a large family and many friends local to her yet she calls my husband at all hours of the night and day for his help dealing with her problems.
If she has a husband and family, she should not have the need to constnatly turn to your husband, have them take of her, your husband needs to take care of you!



she keeps upping the stakes and finding ways to make him feel compelled to go see her.
She is manipulating your husband, she has her own, what does she need him for? Clearly this goes deeper.

I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. I am no longer comfortable with my husband leaving me for days at a time to help his friend deal with her every day life.
This almost makes me sick, WTF is he doing leaving you DAYS at a time to go help this woman, seriously WTF is wrong with your husband. NO women should be this important to him than YOU, especially since you're pregnant and he is leaving you ALONE for DAYS. BIG RED FLAG! it's not okay to have this sort of attachment and relationship with someone.

she called him crying and demanding he go up there right away and he agreed to go up there. Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend.
No women should be this demanding of YOUR husband's attention except YOU, you are his wife, not her. When you asked him to stop staying with her, what did he say? I would NEVER alow nor put up with my husband doing this to, especially if I was pregnant. You really need to make him choose between YOU or HER. And if he ever goes to see her, you should ALWAYS accompany him. It sounds like he is more of husband to her than he is to you, he may be doing out of the goodness of his heart, but you are the owner of his heart, not that rediculous woman. Why can't she go to her other "guy" friends or her family and just leave you and your poor husband alone?!


The level of "crazy" she has reached is really upsetting to me. She has started messaging me to get him to respond to her faster. "Tell him he HAS TO CALL ME, it's an emergency" or "I know your there, tell him to call me!" etc.
Again, not acceptable, I can't believe you're putting up with this. Put your foot down, you do not need this sort of stress especially with they baby on the way.

He agrees that once the baby is here she can't be doing this
He agreed to this till AFTER you have the baby? Are you kidding me, you need him now more than ever, it needs to be now. Stop being so nice and trustful, you've gone beyond what most other wives would put up with.

What it has come down to is the fact that he promised not to stay in her house this weekend when he goes up there again. He promised to stay with his mother who is very much looking forward to seeing him. But then I heard him on the phone telling his friend to "get the guest room ready for him" and making plans. I confronted him and he tried to make me feel silly for worrying.
He will say and do many things to make you feel better, doesn't mean he isn't lying to you. You know how many men just sweep it under the rug just like he just did?

This is becoming a SERIOUS PROBLEM, your husband is putting and spending all his attention on this one insignificant woman.
Also because he lying to you, I don't think it's just for the "comfort" that he is staying with her, I am sure he has "other" reasons. You need to either GO WITH HIM or make him choose between you or her, there is nothing between, you already were so lininant and this just keep blowing more and more out proportion. I would NEVER put up with this B.S. no matter how long they have been friends or how close they are.

He's always liked being the hero and he always will. But with this particular friend, I am extremely uncomfortable. It's creating a lot of negative tension and he won't make any effort to do anything about it.
Read this again, to yourself. He doesn't make any effort to do anything about it, BIG RED FLAG. You need to put your foot down, go with him, do NOT allow him to go alone anymore, he has overstep his bounds and he is not doing anything to help you. If he continues to put her before you, I would be extremely concerned and surprised if he isn't at very least having an EA, if not PA.

I don't want to stress you out doll, but this won't get better if you don't put your foot down. I wouldn't even leave him any options, if I was you I would tell him it's me or her, that's all there is to it. If she NEEDS him SOOO damn bad, she should just come down here herself and rent a hotel room, you should not have to put up with this B.S.

Please put your foot down, I hope there is no PA yet, but it could very well turn into one, especially once you start dealing with a baby, thats bring everything up a notch.

If he wants to see her so bad, he would let you come or she can come here, if he doesn't than there is something going on for sure. I am already suspisious and even your sub-conscious is telling you the same, more often than not your instinct is right. He is not her bell boy, it's rediculous he has to go out that far to even see her.

You come first, put your foot down and make it that way.
Good luck honey, but DO NOT put up with this, you do not need this sort of stress and he should ABOVE all know that. YOU, YOU are the only thing important now, you and your baby, clearly you're so stressed and worried about this that you seeked out help, to help you realize you're not crazy, it's not you and your hormones.

I would NEVER have even let them stay with door closed if we were starting to date, no matter how close they are. I would have NEVER let him stay with her alone, NEVER. Sounds like he is also making other plans, check bills, do a keylogger and VAR. It never hurts to protect yourself and your baby. The fact that he is spending SO much attention on her is unnatural and unaacceptable. Make him choose you or her.

You've gone beyond your duty, you sacrificed enough, and now they are just overstepping all your toes and boundaries, put a stop to it now.

Wish you all the best *hugs*
 
#52 ·
Here's a question- To what extent should I follow up on my husband's actions? If he goes back home to visit his friends, do I do anything to see if she was around (despite her saying she was going to be out of town) or if he stayed with her? Because she is very integrated into his existing/long-term set of friends back home.

At first I thought that I trusted him, but just didn't feel comfortable with him staying with her. The lengths to which he argued and fought over this one request lets me know that he can't be trusted in this matter. It wasn't even an "attack" (as he sees it) or a fight when I brought it up. I just explained that she has reached a new level of dependency and while it was totally okay for him to go home for a few days, I would prefer he not stay with her. His immediate anger over this was an eye opener.

He's been travelling every few weeks these past couple of months to see his friends, go camping at a music festival, and to visit family out West. He's trying to get as much "fun time" in before the baby comes as he can. And while I'm okay with it and pleased that he accepts that with a new baby we won't be going anywhere for a while, I wonder if maybe he feels trapped down here with me now that a baby is coming. The baby was planned, but I did pregnant about two seconds after we started trying. And I've had a rough pregnancy- neither of us was expecting it to be so crappy- so I know I've been no fun lately.

So he goes to see his friends, and he drinks, and he stays out late and stays with his good female friend who has a nice guest bedroom and is close to town. He stayed with her earlier this summer and I had no problem. The only red flag was that every time we spoke while he was away she was there. I even asked if she was monopolizing his time and keeping him from seeing his other friends since she's always been clingy. He explained more recently that the trip was just to see her because she was toying with the idea of moving to New York for grad school. He had wanted to make a special farewell trip since he feels that I wouldn't let him go up to New York to see her. Then he starts in on how I don't let him to go other places to other friends. Which isn't true, obviously, or he wouldn't have been back home 3 times in the past 2 months.

Naturally, she's no longer seriously planning to move to New York. Surprise, surprise. But honestly, this level of doing anything she can to get my husband to see her wasn't a problem until recently when defended her over it. I said I was uncomfortable and he told me to get over it/deal with it/too bad, so sad, etc. Even if he's completely innocent, she is not. And the fact that I have been made to feel that way should be enough to make him drop her like a rock.

At one point I said "her or me" then I went back on that and said just don't stay at her place. Now I'm feeling that the only way this will work for me is if he just avoids her altogether. He doesn't have to call her when he's home and going out with other friends. If no other friends are available, then too bad for him I guess. His other friends have moved on in a lot of ways, this one woman is the only person still hanging around with nothing to do.

I'm not sure how to bring it up without starting another huge fight. He's been better to me in the past few days than he has been in years. I know he's trying to ease my concerns, but it doesn't work that way. I know how much he loves and how much he loves our baby. But he just can't have his family and this friend if it's going to cause such a rift. He's asked me to give up male friends in the past. We broke up at one point in our relationship and I dated other men. One guy remained a friend after I got back together with my husband (it was before we were married). My husband didn't like the other guy being in communication with me, so I dropped him. I blocked him on Facebook and haven't seen in person in three years. The other guy did NOTHING wrong and I had ZERO interest in him romantically. We went on two dates and realized we were going to be buddies, nothing more. At some point the block on his ability to post on my Facebook was lifted. It could have been 2 years ago for all I know, but my friend made a joke about a post I made about a little while ago. I laughed out loud and my husband looked over and read it and got mad when he saw who had made me smile. So I reblocked him. Because even though my husband was being irrational in my my opinion, I respected him and our relationship enough to just drop the other guy with no questions. I pointed this out to him during our fight and he argued that since I officially dated this other guy it was different.

I decided that if he goes up there and stays with her, I will leave for a while. I run a business from home so it's hard to leave for more than a day at a time, but I will figure it out. But how do I follow up without being insane about it?
 
#54 ·
I'm not sure how to bring it up without starting another huge fight. He's been better to me in the past few days than he has been in years. I know he's trying to ease my concerns, but it doesn't work that way. I know how much he loves and how much he loves our baby. But he just can't have his family and this friend if it's going to cause such a rift. He's asked me to give up male friends in the past. We broke up at one point in our relationship and I dated other men. One guy remained a friend after I got back together with my husband (it was before we were married). My husband didn't like the other guy being in communication with me, so I dropped him. I blocked him on Facebook and haven't seen in person in three years. The other guy did NOTHING wrong and I had ZERO interest in him romantically. We went on two dates and realized we were going to be buddies, nothing more. At some point the block on his ability to post on my Facebook was lifted. It could have been 2 years ago for all I know, but my friend made a joke about a post I made about a little while ago. I laughed out loud and my husband looked over and read it and got mad when he saw who had made me smile. So I reblocked him. Because even though my husband was being irrational in my my opinion, I respected him and our relationship enough to just drop the other guy with no questions. I pointed this out to him during our fight and he argued that since I officially dated this other guy it was different.

I decided that if he goes up there and stays with her, I will leave for a while. I run a business from home so it's hard to leave for more than a day at a time, but I will figure it out. But how do I follow up without being insane about it?
Technically speaking, he has dated this "friend" as well. You went NC with this old friend of yours, someone you dated, because HE was uncomfortable with it. You deserve the EXACT SAME RESPECT! I'd give the "her or me" again, and make it stick... And tell him the consequences of breaking the NC. This woman is NOT a friend of the marriage. Honestly, at this point, in pregnancy, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband being away UNLESS NECESSARY (i.e. WORK related). And don't let him get away with the "I guess I can't have any friends" bs either... It isn't ALL friends, only THIS friend, who has proven to NOT be a friend to the marriage.
 
#53 ·
Bingo! He has asked you to give up opposite sex friends that made him uncomfortable. This means that he gets it. He just doesn't think it applies to him.

I think this woman is a real threat to your marriage. At the very least, she has him in a holding pattern. If her marriage ever fails, she will probably pull him in completely.

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? It's a real eye opener. He's so thick in it, I bet he won't appreciate it though.

I think making yourself scarce is a good plan. I wish you the best. I think you have a hard road ahead. At least for awhile. Hopefully, he will do the right thing by you and your child.
 
#55 ·
If my husband called some other woman right in front of me and complained that I am not happy with their relationship....let's just say he'd be hobbling for a week because my knee would hit his crotch.

It is all fine and dandy that you want to be nice, but sometimes we women need to get tough and set some boundaries. My husband would not DARE to try such sh!t with me because he knows I ain't no shrinking violet.

Maybe he feels that because you are pregnant, you are more dependant on him and therefore he can do what he wants. How about exposing his affair? That is the best way to get it to stop-tell your family members and friends what your husband is doing. After that, tell your husband that if he wants to keep his rude and needy friend, you will not be around to tolerate it. If the EA continues, find a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. You and your child deserve to be respected and treated as the #1 priority.

Your husband fighting tooth and nail to see this woman is a huge red flag.
 
#58 ·
Your husband is a rescuer, the ow vailidates his need to feel like a hero. She knows what she is doing, but he probably does not see the damage he is doing to your relationship and making him see this without him going all defensive is going to be difficult.
Perhaps it is not a physical relationship, but it seems she is keeping him dangling on the end of her hook & gains some kind of enjoyment out of making him jump.
I am no expert, but it does seem that an ultimatium may be the answer & be prepared to follow through. If you are not prepared to follow through, then don't make the ultimatium. There are always solutions to problems, if you cannot move out, tell him he will have to vacate the property if he cannot drop this woman.
 
#61 ·
Girl. Please. Shut this down quicker and faster than you are now.

My STBX-H had a friend exactly like yours. BFF for years. She called him all the time. Always an emergency only he could solve. I need a truck. You're the only one I trust to teach me to drive. Finally, it was "my boyfriend hit me" and then they ended up making out in the back of his truck.
Before this point I got the same garbage from him. "I'll cut down on talking to her" and then messaging her to allow things to "calm down" before starting up again. These women think your husband is THEIRS. You need to get him back, or this woman will continue to drive a wedge in you.

Be strong. Be firm. Don't allow him to turn the tables on you again!
 
#63 ·
As it stands right now, we're going back home together this weekend. The OW is apparently still going to be out of town.

She called him today. He told me in passing because he also missed a couple other calls and wondered what was up with his phone. So, he doesn't see any issue with her still calling. But he also doesn't feel like it's a dirty secret that he needs to hide from me.

I asked that if he returns her call that he not discuss with her the pros and cons of our relationship anymore. He agreed but didn't understand what I meant. So I elaborated that she was "his" friend, not "our" friend and I would prefer he confide in someone else if he needed to talk about us. Then he did that thing he's famous for where defends the other party no matter what the issue is. He asked if she could come to me with problems if she had them. I said no. At one point I considered her a friend to us both, but she has pushed me aside for him. So no, no she can't come to me if she needs help.

We'll see. I will have the "her or me" discussion when the opportunity presents itself in the coming days. Which, if she keeps calling, I'm sure it will.
 
#68 ·
Well, I haven't snooped again. But he's gotten a couple of texts from her I believe- his phone beeps, he checks it, and ignores it. I'm fairly certain he is replying in secret. Though, again, I haven't snooped so I don't know.

But it occurred to me that even though I told him I consider this an emotional affair and that I don't feel comfortable with her constant need for him, I technically have only officially asked that he not sleep over at her house.

A close friend reminded me that he sees this as hormonal surges from pregnancy, lack of medication, and/or simply having a tantrum. Basically, he doesn't think this is a real problem.

I want to wait until there is an opening to start the discussion again. I'm having a hard time worrying about it and being patient. The fact that he might have taken it underground is a big issue for me, but I don't know what else to do except suffer and wait to catch him talking to her in secret or something.

Part of me wants to confront the "friend" directly. Since my husband clearly sees my concerns as unfounded and she obviously isn't worried about her standing with my husband. I think about the three of us sitting down and me saying to my husband "choose"- her friendship or your family. And I will honor his choice and leave if he chooses her. We've been so close lately as he's tried to make me happy after my breakdown over this, but I'm sure he's consoling her as well. But I'm 7 months pregnant. This can't drag on much longer if I'm going to be having a baby alone or back home with my family. If it comes to that. I don't really think our marriage will end over this if he chooses me (unless there was sex involved), but I can't accept this person in my life right now. Maybe in a few years, but not now. Not when he refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem here. Not when he defends her against my feelings claiming I am having the "worst pregnancy tolerance ever" like I have never mentioned that she's a little too needy before. This is not out of the blue, but the line was finally crossed and there is no going back. She used to be his "strangely clingy, demanding friend" now she is damaging my marriage.

My husband asked me the other day if she could come to me for help if she needed me, I said "nope." I explained that she used to come to me when he wasn't around, but that she has since only used me as a stepping stone to get to him. She is not my friend. Maybe she was at one point, maybe she never cared for me at all. But when my husband forced me to talk to her on the phone the other day and we had a brief talk about my limits, she later apologized to him for making me upset. She hasn't come to me in friendship to explain herself, promise to give him space, or anything at all. Just silence. I'm just so sure that he's telling her soothing things about how I'll calm down once the baby's here and things will be okay and he'll see her next time, etc, that I keep having nightmares. He wants us all to be friends and that's not going to happen anytime soon.

She used to come down to visit us, but she hasn't made the trip in the last 18 months at least. I actually don't recall the last time I've seen her in person. I simply can't go with him every time he wants to go home for more than a day or two at a time. Don't know what to do.
 
#70 ·
That's more or less the approach I want to take on this. I'm willing to leave over this if I have to.

But waiting for the opening to say this is where I'm stuck. If he keeps her under wraps for a month, then it'll be that much harder to follow through. I mean, I'll be 8 months pregnant and going to the OB every 2 weeks, etc.

I feel like I dropped the ball when I said "just don't stay with her" as my main declaration. I said all sorts of things about how she shouldn't call daily, etc but the only true demand was don't sleep under the same roof. Which really was my only issue at first. The fact it turned into him defending her so vehemently and erupted into a fight that lasted days is the reason why I now want to say "her or me"

But since I didn't start off saying so, I know it will be another fight where he just thinks I'm jealous and crazy.
 
#71 ·
You SHOULD be looking at his texts and emails. He's involved in what was/is at least an emotional affair. Whether it's a physical affair isn't clear but who knows. If I were you I would install a keylogger and whatever else is needed to track his texts and emails. It's not snooping to find out more information about his activities with this female friend. I realize you may not want to know what he says to her and vice versa, but you should. Sticking your head in the sand won't do you any favors.

Why do you have to wait for an opening to talk to him? Honey, you're being very passive here. There's not need to shout, yell or use profanity, but you CAN have a talk now. You are allowed to talk to your spouse about his behavior and how it's affecting you.

Don't have a conversation with her, him and you. He's married to you. His vows are to you. As another human being you'd think she would have some morals, and as a fellow female you'd think she'd feel some kind of sisterhood with another woman and not trample on her marriage, but she doesn't feel that way and she isn't the one you need to talk to. It's your husband. It's his boundaries that need to be tightened. If a robber broke into your home and got past the flimsy security system guarding the place, are you going to talk to the robber or the security company? Here, the flimsy security system is your husband's bad boundaries. His bad boundaries aren't protecting the marriage or you. Talking to her is NOT a strong move on your part. Please don't do it.


Find out from the pros on this CWI board how to put a keylogger and the other monitoring devices. His anger and defensiveness sound like he has taken this underground.

Any chance you could get him to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass?
 
#72 ·
He has more female friends than male friends. I have NO PROBLEM with him camping with his female friends (they're in a group anyway), or going to parties, etc with them. It's just this one person who I feel is a threat to our marriage. But my husband is acting like I am being completely insane and my feelings are unfounded.

I feel like in this one thing he should take my side even if he thinks I'm being irrational. If I feel like this is bad for our marriage, then it is. Because I am half of the marriage.
 
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