Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Needy female friend- is this emotional infidelity?

46K views 260 replies 60 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I dated for 5 years and have been married for 2. I trust him not to cheat on me sexually, but I wonder about his attachment to his friend.

My husband and this woman have been friends for 18 years. His closeness with her has made me uncomfortable from the start. Back when we were dating, he would have her over for "movie night" and they would watch movies in his closed bedroom all night long. I questioned their relationship back then, but he was never secretive about it and other friends would corroborate that there was nothing between them physically.

She's kind of a "guy's girl" - primarily has male friends, loves to go out drinking, burps, farts, etc in public without shame. She's smart, funny, and outgoing. I tried to maintain a friendship with her because she is important to my husband. After my first issues were resolved, I got over my concerns and accepted her as just another of my husband's many friends.

HOWEVER, since around the time my husband and I got married (2 years ago), she has been extremely needy and demanding of his time. We moved to a neighboring state, but live about 4 hours from her so visits aren't impossible. She has a common law husband that she been with for years, she has a large family and many friends local to her yet she calls my husband at all hours of the night and day for his help dealing with her problems.

He has been pretty good about more or less avoiding her calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, etc because he doesn't seem to like being smothered by her. But she keeps upping the stakes and finding ways to make him feel compelled to go see her. She's always relied on him to be her hero and I never had any jealousy or resentment, just a mild irritation that she doesn't find someone else to hold her hand through life's many hiccups.

I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. I am no longer comfortable with my husband leaving me for days at a time to help his friend deal with her every day life. I haven't once said "you can't see her" or "it's her or me" or anything along those lines. But when she called him crying and demanding he go up there right away and he agreed to go up there. Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend. I don't think there is a sexual component in all of this, I think she is freaking out that her back up man and best male friend is now happily married and starting a family. But I also don't think it's fair that he stays with her and tends to her all night and day while he's in town. He used to stay with family, now he stays with this friend.

The level of "crazy" she has reached is really upsetting to me. She has started messaging me to get him to respond to her faster. "Tell him he HAS TO CALL ME, it's an emergency" or "I know your there, tell him to call me!" etc. I addressed it with my husband and expressed that I trust them not to be sexually intimate, but that he needs to talk to her about this. He agrees that once the baby is here she can't be doing this, but he also insists that staying with her is no big deal because her house is really comfortable and closer to town than his other housing options when he goes up there.

What it has come down to is the fact that he promised not to stay in her house this weekend when he goes up there again. He promised to stay with his mother who is very much looking forward to seeing him. But then I heard him on the phone telling his friend to "get the guest room ready for him" and making plans. I confronted him and he tried to make me feel silly for worrying. At this point, is the fact that he is choosing his own laziness (wanting a nicer room to bunk in) and her needs for his attentions over the simple request of his concerned wife grounds for claiming emotional infidelity?

I don't know what this will do to our relationship if he lies to me and stays with her anyway. I have told him so. I don't know what else to do. I feel like he gets a huge ego boost being the man she calls on despite her having many other options that are much closer. He's always liked being the hero and he always will. But with this particular friend, I am extremely uncomfortable. It's creating a lot of negative tension and he won't make any effort to do anything about it. Right down to telling me what I want to hear and planning to do what he wants anyway. To me, that feels like cheating.
 
See less See more
#113 ·
I will talk to my therapist about gaslighting. She had brushed off is actions as immaturity and also an attempt to push me away so that I would leave him and he could be "guilt free" should we divorce. Which I do agree might be the case. He cries when I talk of leaving, but does nothing to build back trust. I thought he was trying at first, but it lasted about a week.

I just reviewed other parts of the letter I wrote him back in June when things got really bad. It's a little out of context since the letter was two full pages long, but the parts that apply to this situation right now are:

"A discussion with a resolution vs no discussion and no resolution. Why do I keep bringing up certain topics? Because they are extremely important to our marriage and to my happiness and we have yet to resolve things. Without any word from you I am left to assume that you don't intend to do anything. D will start calling again in two weeks or whenever and you will make sure to prioritize her when you go up to [home]. I am prepared to take serious action should this be the case, but just sitting here waiting for it to happen is torture. Especially since you brushed off my concerns as unfounded, hormonally driven insecurities and have yet to acknowledge my feelings as valid. I trust you not have sex. I trust that you love me and our child. I do not trust that you will give a second thought to your pregnant wife at home when you're out having a good time and Dana is there. You won't think about how hurt and lonely I am that D gets to be included in the gang when you're out having fun because she's so awesome and loves a good time and a good drink. But since you argue with me and get defensive, I have no reason to trust that you are really hearing me on this. Since you say "I don't want to talk for 30 minutes" and then take a nap when that time is up, I am left with nothing. I am alone in this marriage. I want to fix things that are broken. I want to plan a future. I want to take a vacation and spend time with you, not watch you bounce around while I stay home and wait.

I love you. I love you more than anyone else. I take the good with the bad. Despite our ups and downs, I want to be with you. But parenthood will make everything harder. We need professional help. We need to prioritize each other more. We need to make a plan and stick to it. Or else this isn't going to work.

I won't even ask you to leave your home. I will leave. I will go home and live with my parents and have my baby alone. I will tell our child how much daddy loves them even though he's not around. Yes, I need medication, but I need your love and support more. Medication just numbs the pain of feeling unloved. The more you leave me alone, the more alone I feel."

Rereading this made me realize that nothing has changed. It's true, the OW took 3 weeks to call (I had guessed 2) but the rest is pretty much spot on. He did indeed make every attempt to see her during his trip up there. He called, texted and facebooked her. According to his phone records, he has been trying to reach her tonight. Whether they meet up or not, he's sure trying to spend time with her. This letter was read together and discussed. I'm sure he will act shocked and horrified if/when I leave, but this is beyond ridiculous.

I will be seeing a lawyer this week, I have an OB appointment and two therapy sessions. I will not advertise my intentions in any way. My family is on stand by to come down and help me move my things and also to protect me should he react with rage/violence/threats, etc. I just don't know what's happened to the man I married. Looking back the signs were all there and I feel foolish for ever marrying him.

My mother makes me feel better because she says that even though all this is happening, that it must be because God really wanted this particular baby to be born into our family at this exact time. And the only way to get the timing right for her arrival was for me to marry my husband and stick it out until she could make her appearance. I'm not religious in the least, but it really feels a lot better to know that there is something wonderful about to happen despite all the heartache.
 
#115 · (Edited)
There seems to be a lot of gas lighting going on by your H. Unchecked, that could be dangerous. Turning off the A/C while his pregnant wife roasts and then feigning ignorance and even sympathy while watching her suffer does isn't what a loving person would do; it's not just passive aggressive -- doesn't that compound the possibility of dehydration and danger to your life and that of the fetus? Not that 85 degrees will kill you, but messing with your head like that indicates devious behavior. Sounds like he wants you to suffer because you're getting in the way of his freedom. My H is also a gaslighter and manipulator, so I know how this can get to you. Just think about whether or not you two can be an effective team working toward shared life goals if one of the two of you is sabotaging those efforts. I think he wants out and doesn't want to be the bad guy. Let him go. If he loves you AND wants to be with you, he will make it work by making an effort to keep you in his life rather than expending energy to push you out if his way by underhanded and covert means.

File for divorce. That sends the message that this is unacceptable. It shouldn't be a last resort in your case but something you do now.
 
#118 ·
Still in therapy twice a week. The therapist suggested that he has Narcissistic Personalty Disorder. Looking into it, all of his aberrant behaviors fit into this concept neatly. The rage, the punishments, the manipulations, the infidelity, the inability to empathize, etc.

I meet with an attorney tomorrow afternoon to discuss my rights before making any big decisions since there will be a child involved in the next 6 weeks or so (I'm due mid-September) and I don't want to jeopardize future custody issues. In the meantime I am being extra submissive and catering to his needs to keep the peace.

I asked him one last time join me in therapy. Just one visit would be helpful according to my therapist. He says he needs to think about it.

He went back home and made EVERY attempt to see the OW. She made herself available- replied to texts and calls and then said "no, I can't see you, I'm busy/tired/sick/etc" she's playing hard to get I guess and loving the drama and attention. She even went out into town just to be spotted so she could say in person to one of my husband's others friends that she was "unavailable and please don't tell him you saw me" - which obviously the friend thought strange enough to mention to my husband who then told me about it.

My husband actually complained to me how frustrated he was that she wouldn't see him. Alluding to the conversation we had back in early July when I called her and asked her to back off he said, "I don't know what you said to her, but she avoided me all weekend" - he knew what was said, I told him all about it. I offered to discuss it again and didn't want talk about it. He just wanted to be upset about what he calls "stupid, emotional nonsense." He might as well have punched me in gut it hurt so bad that he wanted me to feel sorry for him about it. He still sneaks around when he tries to call her, but he let me know on Friday, Saturday AND Sunday while he was away that he was trying to get her to come play.

So, it's not looking good. All of what he's doing fits in the Narcissism spectrum which is helpful to me in many ways, but still doesn't solve anything in the long run. I am making preparations to leave- organizing files and accounts (it's all in my name and I need to switch things to him, etc), taking notice of where sentimental items are currently located (quilts my grandmother made, things like that), etc. If/when I leave, my family will come down and be physically in the house before I say anything since his rage response is so sporadic.

If he goes to therapy, makes an effort, drops the OW and openly allows me to check up on his email/text/facebook/phone accounts, and has ZERO outbursts of any kind, then I will stick with my plan to stay until the first of the year. I don't really think this will be the case, but my mother pointed out that if I leave now he can kick me off insurance and we can't afford the thousands of dollars in medical bills when I deliver in the next few weeks. Obviously, that isn't the driving force here, but it is something to consider. Going bankrupt with medical bills and then having to hire an attorney for divorce would ruin my family financially.

So much heartache that could have been avoided. This pregnancy has made it so much worse because his narcissism won't allow him to accept that I have needs that outweigh his. People always ask about me and how I'm doing, they want to touch my belly and talk about baby stuff. Basically, it's not about him until the baby is here and he's the daddy. Right now it's still all about me and my needs and he cannot stand that- hence the punishments. Then the OW, fearing she was losing her "boyfriend" to fatherhood latched on even harder than ever before which prompted me to say something. It all spiraled out of control because my husband "needs" the validation of the OW since she doesn't care about the baby, she only cares about him. So he gets a HUGE perk from being her hero, especially when she knows he's leaving his pregnant wife all alone just for her. They both feed off each other. So, here's his lazy wife hogging all the attention and trying to take away his only friend who treats him like he sh*ts golden nuggets. So, of course he's going to rebel against that perceived injustice and make my life hell. In his mind, I deserve it.

Coming here really helps my stress. I don't have any friends or family that are physically close by to share this with and bottling it up makes it worse. So thank you all for your time and advice. :)
 
#122 ·
From reading this whole story the only thing I can surmise is the you married a man who was already married to someone else. I am sorry that your WH can't let go of this woman. I think that there is some obvious codependency here. The reason she is stepping up her game is because your WH seems like her big back up plan. She know she has him and is keeping him on the hook. However she won't commit to him. It is sad really that your WH can't see how the OW is playing him. I hope that you stay strong and I wouldn't even ask at this point for pulling back. If he wants to stay married it is 100% No contact or bust. This woman is toxic to him and is likely playing you both right now. She wants him single and when she gets tired of her common law man. She'll shack up with him. I am so sorry.
 
#123 ·
The legal summary sounds about right from what I've read online. My meeting with my attorney is at 4pm this afternoon. Followed by an appointment with my therapist. Then it's home to make dinner and keep the peace because he knows I'm unhappy and I'm afraid his temper might flare if I don't keep making an effort to keep him happy. He's been nice lately, bringing my flowers, talking to my baby in my belly, and rubbing my back at night, etc. It's not what I need or what I've asked for in this marriage, but it's harder on me emotionally to accept his kindness and then leave him.

My husband agreed last night to attend therapy with me- I think he agreed to one session- but it's better than nothing. I invited him to join me as an "expert witness in living and dealing with me" - anything to get him in the door without pressure to discuss himself or our marriage. I had asked that he go with me next week. But he said next week was too soon for him and he needed to think about when he would go.

Of course, I'm 35 weeks pregnant and there will be a therapy lapse after the baby comes. I will try to get back in as soon as possible, but I imagine I will miss a week or two. I wanted my husband involved sooner than later in the therapy aspect of things. But he's stalling already so I take that as a clear sign he doesn't really intend to go.

And yeah, I also agree that it looks like the OW sees my husband (what does "WH" stand for?) as her back up option. She really only upped the ante after we got married and even more so when I got pregnant. She wants him without baggage.

I completely agree that, even if it is not sexual now, all she has to do is spread her legs and that will change. My husband is not the type to look for sex elsewhere, but this particular "friend" is a definite exception. I wouldn't be completely shocked if they had already had sex, but I can't find any evidence of it at this point.
 
#124 ·
Astone, I am so sorry you are in this position. This has got to be the worse feeling ever to be pregnant and dealing with this. I think you will be stronger when you have the baby.

Please dont stay with him simply because you dont want her to have him because her needy behavior and him jumping to save her already gives her the benefit of HAVING him.

I will have to read up on the rest of this. My friend went through the same thing and she wanted to trust her husband. Her husband talked about how his confiding in his friend made him see he wanted to work things out with her but he failed to mention what happen with he and the friend after they finished the face to face conversations.
 
#125 ·
Update: I left.

I was planning on staying until after the baby was born. I was crying every night and my soul comfort was a little tuxedo cat named Mowgli.

This past weekend was my baby shower and I was home with my family and a few close friends. While I was away, Mowgli was hit by a car and killed. I have cried more for that cat than I have for my failing marriage.

That was the last bit of heartache for me. My family went with me and moved me home to my family.

My husband acted completely shocked and was very upset that I was leaving him out of the blue. I reminded him that I have wanted therapy for our issues for months. I wanted to work it out. The EA with the OW was my reason for giving him the "her or me" ultimatum back in June. I told him that I said I would leave if he couldn't bear to be apart from his "friend" and it turns out he couldn't. And I STILL stayed because I was hoping he would wake up one day and want to work it out in therapy.

Mowgli's death was the last bit of heartache my body could handle. I couldn't go home to a man who now openly interacted with his "friend" as if the past two months of tears, begging, demanding, pleading for him to love me never happened. I needed that little cat more than I could have realized. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and he sees nothing wrong with hurting me emotionally. You would think he would at least love his child enough to keep her mother happy so she could be born safely. But no, he couldn't do that. He wanted to be with her and his family didn't matter.

I feel sad for him because the truth is I had confided everything in this "friend" a few months ago- back when I thought she was my friend too. I called her in July to tell her that her presence in our lives right now was too much for our marriage to withstand. So she knew exactly what he stood to lose. She doesn't care about me and she certainly doesn't care about this baby, she only cares about my husband and having him under her thumb.

Now that I have left, she might very well lose interest in him. He was forbidden fruit and now he's back to being a normal guy. And he lives four hours away so it's not like she gets any perks from flaunting her new conquest. Or maybe she genuinely cares for him and wants to be with him. But she still living with her elderly "lover" who is much more well off financially than my husband. I don't know. I guess it's not my problem anymore.

I can't possibly imagine that she really was "just a friend" if she would stand by and do/say nothing while his wife left him. She knew what he was losing and she allowed it happen without a word. In my parting words I told him to reach out to someone else, anyone else, to talk to about some of this. This "friend" does not care about his happiness. He is now all alone in North Carolina with no friends, no wife and no idea that I was actually going to follow through with my "threats" to leave.

The saddest part was while I was talking to him. Telling him I was leaving because he was constantly in contact with the OW. He started to deny it and in that exact moment the phone rang and it was her. He had tears in his eyes telling me he wasn't cheating while the woman he had promised to "take a break" from was calling him. After all, I was supposed to be out of town all weekend so they could call each other openly, right?

So, I'm at home. My world has fallen apart. This is the worst thing that has ever happened. I can't believe I am 31, having a child and starting my life over from scratch at the same time. Selfishly, I worry that I will never find another man to love me. That fear is likely why I stayed as long as I had.

I love him. I will always love him. I only needed him to choose his wife and child over one single friend. He forced my hand, but it still is the last thing I wanted to do.
 
#126 ·
Prayers of support coming your way Astonefeather.

If it's any consolation at all, you did the right thing. And you and your baby will be just fine. And yes, when you are ready, you will find someone that loves not only you, but your baby as well. There are loving people "out there" that will put you first above all others.

So sorry too that losing your cat had to be the point in which you reached to decide it was time to leave.

And yes, you are probably right about the OW. She is obviously self-centered and has no feelings for anyone other than herself. Your H is a fool to let you go on such a false premise. My STBXH still remains in contact with two of his OW, going by his cell records. What an empty life the Hs have to rely on OW who are not emotionally vested in the course of their lives. But, if they choose those OW, they deserve them.

I hope this forum is giving you strength and that you feel the genuine concern that most of us "strangers" have for you at this time in your life. Although I don't "know" you, I have read your words and felt your pain and offer whatever comfort and friendship I can to you and hope that you know that your story has touched many of us here.

Your story continues. You are with your family and they love you unconditionally. Your baby will need you and I have no doubt in my mind that you will be a wonderful and loving mother and will do what is in the best interested of the baby.

As for your H, one of two things will happen. He will hit rock bottom and finally see the light and will do anything in his power to make things right. Or he won't. Either way, you have shown that you stand by your word and that you are a lot stronger than he or anyone else knew you could be.

Wishing you all the best and hope that you keep in touch. You have friends here. Take care.
 
#129 ·
The saddest part was while I was talking to him. Telling him I was leaving because he was constantly in contact with the OW. He started to deny it and in that exact moment the phone rang and it was her. He had tears in his eyes telling me he wasn't cheating while the woman he had promised to "take a break" from was calling him. After all, I was supposed to be out of town all weekend so they could call each other openly, right?
Now my wishes to punch him have become something worse. He's to a rude awakening. Go NC with him. Talk to a lawyer and out the ball rolling. I'm so glad ou have your family to take care of you.

You are going to be OK.
 
#133 ·
Update- Sorry for being silent for so long after I left. I have had a lot to sort through.

I'm living at home with my family, my clothes are still in trash bags around the room. I just don't have anywhere to put them yet. Hopefully this week I will get a dresser or something. We've been focusing on getting stuff for the baby. I'm nine months pregnant and due sometime in the next four weeks so baby takes priority. But things are coming along. My only concern is that I've lost 7 pounds since this happened. I have an appointment at my new OB today for some tests. But the baby is still active so I've been assured that she will probably be just fine.

When I left I took all of the remaining pets. Mowgli had just died and I was the primary caretaker for the animals. Plus, my husband was upset and I just didn't trust him to remember to take care of them. I also just needed them with me to know they were safe.

Naturally, my family isn't able to take on me and my child if I come with cats and 60 pound dog, so I've had to let them go. That's been really hard. I've been fortunate that they've gone to family members so far so I can still see them and ask how they are doing. But the dog ended up going back to my husband yesterday.

My mother and I met him at the state line. The dog is thrilled to go back to him and he LOVES his dog so I'm not worried. But it was rough. My husband and I walked and talked for about an hour. We've been in communication here and there since I left. He says he loves me, misses me, is sorry and will do anything to get me back. It wouldn't change anything at this point, but I was a bit surprised he said all these things but hadn't made a single overture towards reconciliation. He was in extremely close contact with the OW- she was counseling him!!- he hadn't even called the therapist or done anything to win me back. I think he thought that simply apologizing but doing nothing would actually affect me in some way.

He has proclaimed his undying love for me and for our child, but he still expects me to respect his relationship with the OW. Even yesterday he tried to say that he didn't think he should have to give her up because my reasons for needing her out of our lives were "illogical."

He also doesn't get that the OW was just the final straw. The marriage was never solid, I was delusional. I thought that even though we had ups and downs he would do anything for me. I was horribly mistaken. He's pointed out all the things I have done wrong in the marriage which I do accept responsibility for. But the difference is that I wanted to fix things. I have been trying to make up for my mistakes, going to therapy/couples counseling alone, making changes in my behavior towards him, etc. I was willing to do anything to save the marriage and he was willing to do nothing.

After yesterday I feel a lot better. I currently have no feelings for him. I see him for what he is. I want him to be as involved as he so chooses in the life of our child. He can be a part of the birth and take his paternity leave and visit with the baby. But in terms of winning me back... well, that will take such an amount of dedication on his part that I don't see it happening. I even told him so. I told him that I cannot guarantee I will ever go home, but he needs to make some changes NOW if he wants a chance. He dropped the OW. She was quite upset and forwarded me some emails between the two of them. There are many other things that need to change, but the OW was the one that was still hurting me daily.

I need to see him make an effort so that I can stop hating him. But I will continue to focus on the baby, get back in shape after she's born, find a new career and start over.
 
#137 ·
Thank you Astonefeather for the update! It's always good to read that you are well and among family. You are a strong woman and, as time passes, you will know for a fact that you did the right thing by leaving.

So, he says he dumped the OW? Was that before or after she "counseled" him? :rolleyes: The OW in my WH's life "counseled" him too (still do), and it worked out the same way it's working in your situation. So, according to OW in your situation, she was so hurt she forwarded you his emails? She sure does like to stir the pot. Pay her no mind. She is worthless, and probably still has her hooks in him while attempting to hurt you in the process.

I know you will have your ups and downs, but you made the right decision for you and your child. He doesn't get it and never will. The OW will unfortunately always be there for him and he knows it.

None of us are perfect. We all do things in our marriages that we probably should not have done. And you are right. You took steps toward fixing the problems that you created, and yet he did nothing to correct his end of the deal. Sadly, he is just not into fixing himself for the sake of your marriage. And no matter what you did or did not do in the marriage, you did not deserve to be treated the way he did with you. You and your baby deserve so much better.

Please continue to update us here as we all care about you and how you are doing with all of this.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top