Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Needy female friend- is this emotional infidelity?

46K views 260 replies 60 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I dated for 5 years and have been married for 2. I trust him not to cheat on me sexually, but I wonder about his attachment to his friend.

My husband and this woman have been friends for 18 years. His closeness with her has made me uncomfortable from the start. Back when we were dating, he would have her over for "movie night" and they would watch movies in his closed bedroom all night long. I questioned their relationship back then, but he was never secretive about it and other friends would corroborate that there was nothing between them physically.

She's kind of a "guy's girl" - primarily has male friends, loves to go out drinking, burps, farts, etc in public without shame. She's smart, funny, and outgoing. I tried to maintain a friendship with her because she is important to my husband. After my first issues were resolved, I got over my concerns and accepted her as just another of my husband's many friends.

HOWEVER, since around the time my husband and I got married (2 years ago), she has been extremely needy and demanding of his time. We moved to a neighboring state, but live about 4 hours from her so visits aren't impossible. She has a common law husband that she been with for years, she has a large family and many friends local to her yet she calls my husband at all hours of the night and day for his help dealing with her problems.

He has been pretty good about more or less avoiding her calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, etc because he doesn't seem to like being smothered by her. But she keeps upping the stakes and finding ways to make him feel compelled to go see her. She's always relied on him to be her hero and I never had any jealousy or resentment, just a mild irritation that she doesn't find someone else to hold her hand through life's many hiccups.

I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. I am no longer comfortable with my husband leaving me for days at a time to help his friend deal with her every day life. I haven't once said "you can't see her" or "it's her or me" or anything along those lines. But when she called him crying and demanding he go up there right away and he agreed to go up there. Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend. I don't think there is a sexual component in all of this, I think she is freaking out that her back up man and best male friend is now happily married and starting a family. But I also don't think it's fair that he stays with her and tends to her all night and day while he's in town. He used to stay with family, now he stays with this friend.

The level of "crazy" she has reached is really upsetting to me. She has started messaging me to get him to respond to her faster. "Tell him he HAS TO CALL ME, it's an emergency" or "I know your there, tell him to call me!" etc. I addressed it with my husband and expressed that I trust them not to be sexually intimate, but that he needs to talk to her about this. He agrees that once the baby is here she can't be doing this, but he also insists that staying with her is no big deal because her house is really comfortable and closer to town than his other housing options when he goes up there.

What it has come down to is the fact that he promised not to stay in her house this weekend when he goes up there again. He promised to stay with his mother who is very much looking forward to seeing him. But then I heard him on the phone telling his friend to "get the guest room ready for him" and making plans. I confronted him and he tried to make me feel silly for worrying. At this point, is the fact that he is choosing his own laziness (wanting a nicer room to bunk in) and her needs for his attentions over the simple request of his concerned wife grounds for claiming emotional infidelity?

I don't know what this will do to our relationship if he lies to me and stays with her anyway. I have told him so. I don't know what else to do. I feel like he gets a huge ego boost being the man she calls on despite her having many other options that are much closer. He's always liked being the hero and he always will. But with this particular friend, I am extremely uncomfortable. It's creating a lot of negative tension and he won't make any effort to do anything about it. Right down to telling me what I want to hear and planning to do what he wants anyway. To me, that feels like cheating.
 
See less See more
#142 ·
This story was heart-breaking. You absolutely did the right thing in leaving. I believe there is something very wrong with your husband.

When my wife was pregnant with our daughter I became hyper vigilant about protecting her and seeing to her needs. I'm not special, this is how people are supposed to behave. I wasn't the one gaining weight and having to be careful about what I ate. I wasn't the one who was going to have to go through an incredibly painful birth. Etc etc. Certain of her family members gave her a hard time about her choices while pregnant and when our baby was very young, and they irrevocably altered my opinions of them by those actions.

There is something so wrong with a person who will increase the pain that someone is in when they're pregnant like during your AC thing. Your pregnancy should have brought your husband closer to you, not allowed him to cause you distress.
 
#143 ·
I very much appreciate the words of encouragement. Things are getting better every day. I have a skype session with my therapist tomorrow morning and then I will start looking for a new therapist local to my new home.

The baby is still doing well, just doing her thing in there. My mother actually admitted the other day that she's glad she gets to have the baby living here. She already worries about the day I move out on my own again and I take "her baby" with me. ;)

Having a lot of support every day has made everything better. I feel better physically. Apparently a lot of my symptoms were just pure unhappiness- headaches, stomach issues, excessive insomnia, etc- now that I'm in a loving environment I feel a lot better.

It will be complicated when the baby comes as I intend to allow my husband as much visitation as he wants. It's his legal right to do so, but I want to make it clear that he is welcome to be a father to our child if he wishes it. We will not stand in his way. My mother said we should offer him the guest room to stay in for his paternity leave if he wants to stay here. I mostly doubt he will want that, but he's cheap enough to consider it over paying for an extended hotel stay. Or maybe he will stay at home with family or his "friend" because they are about an hour out from my family's home in a neighboring city. It doesn't really matter I guess.

I saw him on Monday and felt no affection for him. I felt a lot of anger, resentment and even pity. I keep thinking about how sad it was that he cried, but then I remind myself of all the tears I've shed in the past year and I feel less sorrow for him. He had every chance to do right by me. I literally begged him to love me and I got rejected every time. The fact that he didn't truly understand that his actions/inactions had consequences is not my problem. I literally wrote it down for him at one point in my letter and it didn't matter to him.

So yes, I am much better off but it will take some time to adjust to my new life. But baby is doing great and her nursery will be set up this weekend and that's all that matters :)
 
#144 ·
I very much appreciate the words of encouragement. Things are getting better every day. I have a skype session with my therapist tomorrow morning and then I will start looking for a new therapist local to my new home.

The baby is still doing well, just doing her thing in there. My mother actually admitted the other day that she's glad she gets to have the baby living here. She already worries about the day I move out on my own again and I take "her baby" with me. ;)

Having a lot of support every day has made everything better. I feel better physically. Apparently a lot of my symptoms were just pure unhappiness- headaches, stomach issues, excessive insomnia, etc- now that I'm in a loving environment I feel a lot better.

It will be complicated when the baby comes as I intend to allow my husband as much visitation as he wants. It's his legal right to do so, but I want to make it clear that he is welcome to be a father to our child if he wishes it. We will not stand in his way. My mother said we should offer him the guest room to stay in for his paternity leave if he wants to stay here. I mostly doubt he will want that, but he's cheap enough to consider it over paying for an extended hotel stay. Or maybe he will stay at home with family or his "friend" because they are about an hour out from my family's home in a neighboring city. It doesn't really matter I guess.

I saw him on Monday and felt no affection for him. I felt a lot of anger, resentment and even pity. I keep thinking about how sad it was that he cried, but then I remind myself of all the tears I've shed in the past year and I feel less sorrow for him. He had every chance to do right by me. I literally begged him to love me and I got rejected every time. The fact that he didn't truly understand that his actions/inactions had consequences is not my problem. I literally wrote it down for him at one point in my letter and it didn't matter to him.

So yes, I am much better off but it will take some time to adjust to my new life. But baby is doing great and her nursery will be set up this weekend and that's all that matters :)
 
#147 ·
I started to show him this thread, but I am not ready for him to know about my meeting, the talk of him having narcissistic personality disorder or the snooping just yet. He will likely be angry with me and I don't want that to take away from him spending time with the baby.

I know I can't make him be a good father, but I just couldn't live with myself if my actions kept him from stepping up to the plate when our daughter is born. I want my baby to have pictures of her daddy holding her and smiling. I don't want my child punished for my actions any more so than she already will be because I left.

I will very likely share this thread with him one day but I doubt it will mean anything.
 
#148 · (Edited)
You're not punishing your child by leaving him. To punish your daughter would be to show her a farce of a marriage. that would impact her ideals on what a functioning marriage should be.

What children see of their parent's marriage is usually how they'll act in their own marriages.

Sons who grew up with fathers who beat their mothers are one of the worst examples.

They shed so many tears, cared for their mother so much, and sweared not to be like their fathers, but a lot of them grow up and still end up beating their own wifes one day due to having the ideal 'violence is an answer and its ok' instilled into them since a very young age.

Many children who go through a messy home-breaking divorce while young, wind up doing the same thing to their own families one day as well. (Theres even some threads on here of women from broken homes self destructing their marriages and families for no real reason, and feeling upset and confused about it)

To punish your daughter would be by remaining in a three person marriage where there'd be a possibility of her growing up unable to ever have a functioning relationship with anyone, due to being born into a home with a foundation of distrust, resentment, and no commitment.
 
#151 ·
I've been sending my husband infrequent emails regarding baby updates and other pertinent information. For instance, at this point I don't think he's told anyone outside of his best male friend and the OW that I've left. I had to tell him that I can no longer keep the fact that I'm living back home a secret. People are starting to ask why I'm at home. We're saying because it's the best place for me to be right now and that's it.

The goal is to keep him informed about his child's well-being- something I feel very strongly he should know. It's also so that I am not in any way being malicious or unfair to him. It is not my business if he tells his family or not, but I am not going to pretend we're still together in our marital home when we're not. Again, I am not announcing it in any way but I am not to going to lie either. I've been avoiding communication with his family while on Facebook, but that's about all I can do for him.

I also told him that, unless he tells me otherwise, I will let him call his mother when I go into labor. Since I don't think she knows yet and I could technically deliver any day now, I figured it just made more sense for him to be in charge of his side of things.

In terms of his responses, he pretty much ignores me. Which is fine. Even though on Monday when we met up and talked he promised to be in communication and keep me posted on the dog, etc I still haven't heard a word from him about anything.

He hasn't told his coworkers and they wanted to throw us a baby shower. Having ignored my email about his child and the status of the pregnancy, he texted me this morning informing me that the baby shower was scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. He had been informed in earlier emails and in person that I have an ultrasound to see if the baby is breech, an OB appointment and then the tour at the new hospital on Wednesday.

True to form he completely forgets/ignores/dismisses the fact that Wednesday is completely booked with important appointments to ask me to drive all the way back home for a party. I have had issues travelling for a long time. I couldn't even make it all the way home to pass off the dog and pick up a few items from the house. He met at the state line for this reason. It's just another example of how my needs are completely tossed aside so he can have a party in his honor. Although baby showers are supposed to be about the baby, I'm pretty sure he's thinking that it's about the daddy too. Which in some ways, it is. But it's not what he's thinking...

He had originally asked about the baby shower last week. I had said I would go if I was able to make it because his coworkers have been nothing but kind to me and I felt bad for my husband at that point for having to be all alone. He had said he would be telling his coworkers that I had left him. I responded that we would likely not get a party after they found out I had left. He got mad. I had to actually explain to him that they probably won't feel comfortable throwing a party for our family now that we're apart. I assured him that they would still give the baby gifts and congratulate him, but there would not likely be a party. At the time I had said that I would go to the party if they threw one anyway if I was physically able.

But since he has done nothing in the way of making amends or following through with any of the promises he made to me in person on Monday, I am not inclined to put myself out there for him. Plus, I wasn't kidding about the driving. I am NINE MONTHS PREGNANT! Even if I had a chauffeur drive me all the way down there and back (8 hours round trip including all my necessary bathroom stops), I would still find the trip excessively difficult and stressful. I wanted to be kind to him and I do love his coworkers, but I don't know if he's told them anything yet. I don't know if they think I'm up here on vacation or for a specialist. Or maybe he's told them the whole truth and they still want me to attend? Or, what's most likely, they have no clue things have changed and my husband will tell me at the last minute that I'm supposed to lie to everyone about everything.

It's just too much. The only thing he has done is to break up with the OW. The only reason I know he even emailed her was because she forwarded the message to me. And in that message he said three times "it's not what I want" and that I'm essentially making him do it. My favorite part in this letter was this line: "i hope that we can remain friends for many many years, but for right now i cant communicate with you until she says it is okay to do so. you can call me if you like to discuss this, but for now im gonna have to take you off my facebook and take you out of my phone" - even when breaking off contact he still says he hopes to maintain a friendship and tells her that she can keep calling him. What part of "drop her like a rock" is so hard to grasp?

I also asked that he see my therapist (or any therapist), that he communicate with me more about paternity leave, how my dog is doing, etc. He's continued to ignore me.

My therapist suggested over our skype session that he doesn't accept that this is real or long term. He still thinks that I am going home to him. Which is really funny that he might honestly believe that I would go back when hasn't done a thing to make amends.

It was also suggested that he's glad to be rid of me. I don't know. I really don't. I don't think he loves me. I think that he loved the idea of me being at home waiting for him and raising his babies. He introduces me as "my wife" instead of by name frequently. Something I didn't realize until recently when someone at his work that I don't know well finally asked my name after not actually knowing it despite him constantly speaking of me at work. He tells his coworkers how much he loves me, how proud he is of me, how he can't wait to be a father, etc. He comes home and ignores me. He tells me about his day and gets on his computer until bed time. When he needs to talk seriously, he calls the OW. When he wants to have fun, he goes to visit the OW.

I think I was in a delusional fog for so many years that I lost myself. I told my story to a friend who was shocked that I would put up with half of the things he's done or said. I didn't strike him as the type of woman who would let a man walk all over her. The funny thing is, I'm not. Or I wasn't when we first started out. Somehow I just started to give up pieces of myself for the sake of making it work between us until I became some sad and abused woman literally sitting at home waiting for him to call.

Being a single mom starting over at 31 is not at all what I wanted for myself or for my child, but I thank this baby and this pregnancy for helping to save me. I could have taken abuse and neglect for many more years had I not had to think of this baby first. The pregnancy brought out the worst in my husband, the worst in the other woman and the best in me.

It's still very new and very challenging, but the support that I have now is so amazing I cannot find the words. I hope to be friends with my husband one day. I hope he proves to be a wonderful, doting father. But if not, well that will be okay too. I hope to find real love one day, but in the meantime my daughter will have a wonderful father figure in her maternal grandfather. She will see what a real man is and that love doesn't come with strings attached.
 
#152 ·
Forget completely about the babyshower. Stop protecting him. Let him deal the way he preers. It's not your business anymore. Stop giving him more information about out feelings, emotions, wishes, intentions or desires. Stop voluntaring more info. Stop reaching out. He won't get it ever.
Your husbads displays many narcissistics traits. Stop being his supply. Stop being of use for him. You have become acustomed to this as a reaction to his selfishness. He toke adventage of your love. Be selfish, you don't need him.
Focus on you future without him.
 
#153 ·
ASF,

I have to ask this... is there any one of his coworkers that you know well enough to contact yourself? I have a feeling he will make up a lame excuse as to why you won't be at the shower. If it were me, I would call one of them and say that you are at your mom and dad's, 4 hours away, and being heavily pregnant, it isn't feasible for you to attend. He said he is telling his coworkers. I think you are right that he sees this party as being all about him, not just the baby. Really, as close as you are to delivering, the shower COULD have been scheduled AFTER the baby is born. I had one after my oldest was born. I was unable to attend the one my mom planned for me because I had to have my son that day (pre-ecclampsia, had a c-section). But our church had one for us about a month or so after he was born. My point is, I think your therapist (?) is right. He doesn't see this as permanent. He needs a dose of reality. Don't air it on Facebook, but certainly don't HIDE it if anyone asks. Tell people you are separated. That will make it real for him then.
 
#154 ·
Even after you moved out of the house, HE STILL WANTS TO BE IN CONTACT WITH HER?!?!?!

This guy isn't even trying to understand where his pregnant wife is coming from.

That kind of lack of empathy is truly ridiculous

I think its time for you to start filing papers for a divorce, or a separation at the least.

Hes completely unappreciative, takes you for granted, and your needs are 5th on his list from the looks of it.

1. His needs

2. Ego

3. OW's needs

4. Ego

5. Wife

If he is treating you this bad now, it would be hell when it comes to raising the child.

Hes thinking hes just gonna ride out the storm and then get back on deck(OW) as soon as it blows over, show him otherwise.

You need to cut off from him emotionally. Everytime you give him your feelings, pleading it just feeds his narcissistic ego.
 
#157 ·
You are very articulate in your resolve and understanding of your situation. This can only be a good sign, I think, for your state of mind going forward & your ability to handle your baby when she comes. I can tell you that, from experience, a new baby is such a different and amazing experience that it can really concentrate the mind. Having to worry about the baby instead of your own personal problems is strangely calming and liberating. (Yes, it's exhausting and endless work, but it helps to focus on what's really meaningful in life.)

Best of luck to you.
 
#158 ·
Baby update- I had another ultrasound to determine her position since there was concern the little stinker was breech.

But she's looking good. Head down, good heart rate, good activity, practicing her breathing (really cool to see on the monitors!) and measuring at around 7 pounds. It's reassuring to see her doing just fine despite everything else that's happened. I'm hoping she stays put until September, but I won't complain if she comes earlier than her September 17th due date. She's completely ready now at almost 38 weeks so it's just up to her when to make her debut. Being this pregnant is not much fun and I'm ready to hold her in my arms. :)

Husband update- My husband hasn't made any strides to reconcile since his promises to "do anything" to get me back. He makes it easier for me to do what I need to do to move on, but I'm still a bit surprised that he has zero ability to follow through on anything. I don't have any intentions to return, but I would have liked to see some effort so I could not hate him for the sake of our child. Because right now I hate him. A lot. For all the years of misery, the neglect and abuse and then an affair that he still refuses to acknowledge. The lack of empathy is on the level of a serial killer and I'm not being insincere when I say that. He honestly has no ability to see this from my perspective and it doesn't concern him in the least. He sees me as attacking him and his freedom and feels I have no right to ask anything of him. He acted so shocked when I left that I thought it was an act. He also has yet to ask about the baby, but informed me that the dog misses Celeste (one of our cats). Which is his way of saying he misses the cat.

I'm glad I've left. I had no idea how beaten down I was until I entered a supportive environment. I am eating and sleeping again. The headaches and stomach issues are gone. What I thought was pure pregnancy issues was actually debilitating depression. I am so glad I left before this baby was born. She will only know this love and she will never have to see her mother fearful of her father's rage. Or her mother cry because her father is off visiting his "friend" in another state. He can be a part of her life and I will only sing his praises to our child and she will never have to know that he loves himself more than he could ever love another human being.

So yeah. I will keep you posted on the baby when she arrives. My family is extremely excited to get their hands on her. My mother is being overprotective of me and actually called up one of my sisters to come babysit me while she and my father spend the day at the river tomorrow. My father keeps talking about nicknames for her. And my sisters have bought all sorts of things that say "I love my aunt" on them. ;) It's a bit much, but it's such a welcome change from the "get over it" and "women have babies everyday, you're nothing special" attitude I was getting with my husband.
 
#159 ·
Sad to hear he puts himself even above his own daughter....what a sad man he is.

BUT on the bright side, you can see that you made the best decision for you and your daughter in the long run. You have a great support system and she will get plenty of love without him!

Thanks for the update, you sound like you are doing so much better mentally :)

Oh, ETA - what happened with the whole baby shower thing and his coworkers?
 
#160 ·
Wonderful to hear that you are getting so much stronger.

One side comment, though. I think it's hard to overestimate the cluelessness we can have about the opposite sex. Is it possible your H is getting some completely misguided advice about you? Like, perhaps, 'you need your space, the best thing he can do for you and the baby is to let you cool down & have the baby in peace...' blah, blah? It seems possible that he'll rear his head in a surprising way once the baby comes.
 
#161 · (Edited)
Oh yes, the baby shower. He had a lovely time and sent me a picture of himself opening gifts. His Facebook indicates he even prepared food to take to the event. It was a party in his honor and he's only presented himself as the doting husband and excited father to be among friends, family and coworkers so naturally he had a wonderful afternoon. I have to assume he didn't tell his coworkers as he had said he would a week ago. But maybe he did and he still got his party. I don't know. I just replied that I was happy for him and that he has wonderful coworkers- which he does- and left it at that.

It's possible people have told him to leave me alone, but at the same time I told him exactly what I needed him to do if he wanted a shot at having me home one day. I said something along the lines of "I cannot promise I will come home, but I can guarantee this relationship is over if you continue to do nothing." The things that I asked him to do after I'd left were to do the things I'd begged him to do for months prior. I wanted him to sincerely drop the OW, give therapy a try (I gave my therapist full disclosure to discuss my side of things with him and I offered to pay for the sessions to boot), communicate with me about his plans, schedule, paternity leave, etc and to be there for the baby. If he is still listening to other people's advice over my telling him precisely what I need from him, then that's just a whole new level of idiocy.

So far, he insincerely broke up with the OW. I only know this because she forwarded me the email. He said more than once "this isn't what I want" and he even had a line that read "i hope that we can remain friends for many many years, but for right now i cant communicate with you until she says it is okay to do so. you can call me if you like to discuss this, but for now im gonna have to take you off my facebook and take you out of my phone" - This is not exactly what I meant by "drop her like a rock"- he extends his continued friendship and invites her to contact him. Maybe he thinks it's okay for them to chat if she initiates the conversation? Her response was that of a jilted lover and she ominously says " all of this could have been prevented if you had been honest with her. Period. Just honest with her." So I have more questions than answers on the OW front.

His communication is still essentially non-existent though I think he intends to be there for paternity leave. He also plans on spending time in his home town which is infuriating because paternity leave is not a vacation! Either spend time with the baby or go back to work. It just goes to show how insincere he is about the whole thing. If I wanted to be cruel, I could get him fired for not spending his leave with the baby. I won't do that, but the fact that he mentioned plans to stay in his hometown speaks volumes about his inability to grasp the situation he is in. At this point he can do what he wants, but it is truly baffling.

He hasn't contacted my therapist because she would have to contact me to sign off officially on the disclosure agreement for their sessions. Plus, I would have received a bill. If he's communicating with another therapist, it doesn't show up on his phone records. In fact, he's switched over to almost 100% text messages since he found out I was snooping since I have no access to those records online. Which leads me back to the assumption he's still in full communication with the OW.
 
#162 ·
You sound so cogent and mature about the situation. And distance indeed helps, imo. The old saw about absence making the heart grow fonder never really worked for me - I usually found that I was able to gather my strength much better when I was on my own. The more you write, ASF, the more it sounds like you're light years ahead of your H in maturity and world view. He could catch up, but if he doesn't, it seems like you'll be OK without him.
 
#163 ·
Awesome news, my friend! All of them!
Yes, I know you are wondring how can I say that. Because you are awakening, there's no way back. You be sucked again into an abusive relationshio. You were in one. You now know.

Glad to know your baby is perfect and you are cared of by your parents.
Go dark on the a$$hole.
 
#166 ·
We need to be separated for a year before filing divorce per state law. I'm hoping to work out a separation agreement while he is here for paternity leave- assuming he follows through and shows up.

I'm done asking, now I'm telling. He can either work out a reasonable agreement on how to handle this separation or we can go to court. No more sitting on his thumbs.
 
#167 ·
That sounded more aggressive than I intended... ;)

I'm just so worried he will do his classic "ignore her until she goes away" act over this. I would really rather not fight and have this whole thing get even more messy than it already is. But yeah, I'm prepared to do what I need to do. He can't hold me down forever, but I'm worried he will try.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top