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Needy female friend- is this emotional infidelity?

46K views 260 replies 60 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I dated for 5 years and have been married for 2. I trust him not to cheat on me sexually, but I wonder about his attachment to his friend.

My husband and this woman have been friends for 18 years. His closeness with her has made me uncomfortable from the start. Back when we were dating, he would have her over for "movie night" and they would watch movies in his closed bedroom all night long. I questioned their relationship back then, but he was never secretive about it and other friends would corroborate that there was nothing between them physically.

She's kind of a "guy's girl" - primarily has male friends, loves to go out drinking, burps, farts, etc in public without shame. She's smart, funny, and outgoing. I tried to maintain a friendship with her because she is important to my husband. After my first issues were resolved, I got over my concerns and accepted her as just another of my husband's many friends.

HOWEVER, since around the time my husband and I got married (2 years ago), she has been extremely needy and demanding of his time. We moved to a neighboring state, but live about 4 hours from her so visits aren't impossible. She has a common law husband that she been with for years, she has a large family and many friends local to her yet she calls my husband at all hours of the night and day for his help dealing with her problems.

He has been pretty good about more or less avoiding her calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, etc because he doesn't seem to like being smothered by her. But she keeps upping the stakes and finding ways to make him feel compelled to go see her. She's always relied on him to be her hero and I never had any jealousy or resentment, just a mild irritation that she doesn't find someone else to hold her hand through life's many hiccups.

I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. I am no longer comfortable with my husband leaving me for days at a time to help his friend deal with her every day life. I haven't once said "you can't see her" or "it's her or me" or anything along those lines. But when she called him crying and demanding he go up there right away and he agreed to go up there. Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend. I don't think there is a sexual component in all of this, I think she is freaking out that her back up man and best male friend is now happily married and starting a family. But I also don't think it's fair that he stays with her and tends to her all night and day while he's in town. He used to stay with family, now he stays with this friend.

The level of "crazy" she has reached is really upsetting to me. She has started messaging me to get him to respond to her faster. "Tell him he HAS TO CALL ME, it's an emergency" or "I know your there, tell him to call me!" etc. I addressed it with my husband and expressed that I trust them not to be sexually intimate, but that he needs to talk to her about this. He agrees that once the baby is here she can't be doing this, but he also insists that staying with her is no big deal because her house is really comfortable and closer to town than his other housing options when he goes up there.

What it has come down to is the fact that he promised not to stay in her house this weekend when he goes up there again. He promised to stay with his mother who is very much looking forward to seeing him. But then I heard him on the phone telling his friend to "get the guest room ready for him" and making plans. I confronted him and he tried to make me feel silly for worrying. At this point, is the fact that he is choosing his own laziness (wanting a nicer room to bunk in) and her needs for his attentions over the simple request of his concerned wife grounds for claiming emotional infidelity?

I don't know what this will do to our relationship if he lies to me and stays with her anyway. I have told him so. I don't know what else to do. I feel like he gets a huge ego boost being the man she calls on despite her having many other options that are much closer. He's always liked being the hero and he always will. But with this particular friend, I am extremely uncomfortable. It's creating a lot of negative tension and he won't make any effort to do anything about it. Right down to telling me what I want to hear and planning to do what he wants anyway. To me, that feels like cheating.
 
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#200 ·
I'm sorry if you think I'm harsh, but people nowadays have been taught to be politically correct over being right, and look at what it's doing - 50 years ago, if a woman stole another woman's man, that wife would be after the OW with a frying pan. Nowadays we can't even talk about what's being done to us. No wonder the ME generation is running rampant with cheaters and liars - we no longer have consequences.

Now, in stonefeather's case, she may truly be afraid of what her husband will do, and I understand that. But that's extortion, and you can't live your whole life afraid of his actions, ok? Standing up for yourself and telling the truth and being MAD! about what he did is the most helpful, empowering, healthy thing you can do for you and your kid.

Plus, by telling the grandparents the truth, they will be able to carry on a truthful, meaningful relationship with YOU and ALSO with their grandchild. One of you needs to tell the truth. And it ought to be you.
 
#201 ·
Astonefeather--you are doing the right thing by getting on. Him hitting you is no ok, ever.

It seems there have always been 3 people in your marriage. And sad to say, you said it bothered you from the beginning, but you still hung in there. The ap propriate thing would have been to shut it down right there (by saing you weren't into dating someone who was so close to another chick , that it is dysfunctional and there are 2 people in a relationship, not 3). But....

Good for you for taking the right steps.

I do have a question for you. You said the OW has been with her partner for many years now. Did her partner ever say anything about their relationship? I would tell her partner what you've been through and what's going on. He has a right to know. This isn't normal at all and I imagine it's caused a few headaches in her own relationship.

Rest assured, your husband will never have a healthy relationship with a woman (you or otherwise) as long as he keeps this crap up w/ her.



 
#202 · (Edited)
You've acknowledged that you were in an abusive relationship and that you should have left a long time ago, but you're also minimizing why you left.
In the previous post, the majority of it was geared towards the issue with the OW. Does that really matter though? Doesn't it only matter that he has a pattern of physical and emotional abuse?
Even a disturbing act like lower the A/C without telling you, putting you and your unborn child in harms way?
At that point, if there is another woman in the picture, good. See ya. Didn't want you anyways, right?

Instead, the majority of the post is pointing to towards the OW being the catalyst for leaving, and I'm sure in hindsight you know that shouldn't be the case.

I agree with Turnera. Stop babying him. He's not fully grasping your gone yet. I understand you don't want to make him so angry that he's going to make your life a living hell, but 3 hours over the phone for one night?
If you're not thinking of going back to him, whatever are you doing?

Stop that. You're separated with no intention of returning.
Update your facebook status to separated, contact his parents or just his mom and any family of his you talk to and by cordial and simple. You could say he spent the day beating you to a pulp, and eventually, they'll side with their son. It's the way it goes.

Start weaning yourself away from him. Don't talk to him as long, don't answer the phone some times, don't respond to text messages. Start talking to him less and less.
He needs to understand you're done. This guy has much work to do and you sound healthy. You're not on the same page.

Understandably, you want to be on friendly terms when the baby arrives so that you may coparent together. However, he's at an immature stage (to say the least) and you're gonig to have to lead by example whether he likes it or not.
 
#203 · (Edited)
^ Yes, very much so this post.

If you keep acting like you're married or it will blow over, thats what he'll believe. 3 hour phone calls? They need to be more like 3 minutes.

You're separated, act like it.

If you keep leading him on trying to act like you weren't FORCED to move out of your home while pregnant, its not going to well for either of you.

Until you let go of these vestiges of daily routine, you can't really put your future without him in perspective, especially with you being on the phone with him for several hours a day.
 
#204 ·
Friend. You need to detach more from your husband in order to have a more balanced emotional state.
All those 3 hours phone calls, the constant texts...
Not a good thing.
I know you are still hoping he's going to wake up as if this somehow finnaly would show you are worth. He's going to tell how wrong he was all this time, how ashamed of himself he is, how blilnd he was until now he couldn't see how wonderfull you are.

Detach, friend. Cut down the contact to the bare minimum, force yourself. It's like a mental diet.
 
#205 ·
This post. Until you see complete signs of remorse and heavy liftin you absolutely have to stay detached. One poster on here Chris22. He was done with his STBEW. She lured him in with a night of good sex. Then while he wasn't about to R with her, he was completely detached from her emotionally anymore.

Guess what she did? Took that chance that she stole through sex and after she partially wormed her way into his heart, She humiliated and stepped on his heart again one last time.

Hes still D'ing but all that pain was so unnecessary and could've been completely avoided if he just stayed detached.

If your still emotionally connected to him, he can hurt you deeply at any time. Its very painful for you, but it would take a toll on your family. No one likes seeing someone they love keep setting themselves up for pain or failure time and time again.
 
#207 ·
I agree. Thanks for reminding me of these things.

The OW stuff hurts the most right now because I stayed through a lot of abuse for all the wrong reasons- mostly thinking that he loved me and respected me even though he didn't always show it. The betrayal and humiliation of being laughed at by my husband and his girlfriend just seems to hurt the most. I suddenly realized after all these years that I was a doormat. I kept rereading the conversations they had online and wallowing in it. I was considering leaving him for a myriad of other reasons in the past and I am furious with myself that I lingered and the result was an affair right in my face.

Even if he magically changed overnight into the man I thought I married all along, I can't/won't go back. The damage is well and truly done and I have been selfish for too long. I keep saying it's about the baby now, but I need to act like it.

It will get worse before it gets better because he has every legal right to see the baby. And the hormones and emotions and stress and joy of this baby will be compounded by the fact that he will be there the whole way through. After his paternity leave and some sort of separation agreement is worked out it will be easier to detach. But you're right, I need to start working harder on doing that now.

I haven't been answering his calls lately. It's extra messy right now because there will likely be a court battle for custody and anything I do or say that could be perceived as keeping him from his child could hurt me down the road. There are a lot of things I've said here that I can't necessarily prove in court. Especially when my husband has already started his lines about how I would physically attack him sometimes and vehemently denies the cruel little things he's been doing. It's mostly going to be "he said, she said" so both sides will be looking for recent and concrete things to throw at each other. I have a lot of evidence about the EA but the courts don't care that he was a crappy husband, they care about what he can offer the child as a father.

I am now addressing the topic of letting go in therapy. It's just really confusing right now and it's easier to fall into old habits. I have maintained that I am staying put with my family and this baby, but I'm more comfortable being friendly with people than cold no matter what the situation. I've been called a "people pleaser" but now I'm realizing I'm just an easy victim for cruel minded people. I don't want to rock the boat or hurt anyone's feelings. It's my greatest character flaw as you all can see.

I talked to my family after reading your comments and they are on board with giving me daily reminders to stay the course. I will not go back, it will be hard, and I will try harder to be firm and distant.

Thank you again for telling me the things I need to hear.
 
#209 ·
The OW stuff hurts the most right now because I stayed through a lot of abuse for all the wrong reasons-
Eh? So what?

I choose to look at my mistakes as God-given opportunities to learn and grow. I'm perfection in the making, and so are you! Going through that has taught you a LOT, has it not? Consider yourself wiser, and blessed. Now you have a wonderful child to live for. :)
 
#211 ·
ASF,

I sound like a broken record on your thread, but I want to say again that your feelings will probably change dramatically when your baby is born. Love between a man and woman is ephemeral (unfortunately, as anyone reading her can see). Love for your children is boundless and immutable. You'll feel the difference immediately; you probably already are feeling it. I'm sure biologists can explain the different chemical reactions that account for this, but that has never mattered to me. What has always mattered is the effect.

Whatever love you thought you felt or still feel for your husband will seem shallow in comparison to what you feel for your child. And your priorities will be very clear. I doubt you'll waffle at all once the baby is here.

You're starting out a life as a mother with a lot of turmoil & that's a shame, but that too shall pass. Hang in as you've been doing. And all the best.
 
#212 ·
Quickie update: My due date is tomorrow (Monday, 9/17) and still no baby! I am running out of ways to keep busy while I wait. My OB will run tests tomorrow morning to see when/if he will be inducing labor. The baby can stall all she wants, but she can't stay in there forever! ;)

I've been reading "Women Who Love Too Much" which has been amazingly helpful to me. I probably should have read it years ago, but I wasn't ready to accept the hard truths until recently.

And I'm looking into some graduate programs in accounting in preparation to move onto the next phase of my life in the coming months. It feels a bit premature to make any solid decisions about the future, but it's great to know I have options. I contacted the department head about the post-baccalaureate program.

I have been taking everyone's advice about stepping back from my husband. He keeps luring me in with requests that seem reasonable (he asks for pictures of my belly, asks about my day, etc) and then ignores my reply. It's hard for me to just ignore him outright when he texts, but I will obviously need to do that from now on. It's comical at this point. He asked for belly shots, I sent them, and he replied about his plans for dinner complete with a picture of what he had prepared for himself. It was like he didn't get the photos at all. So now I will just avoid him altogether unless it pertains to the baby in some way.

I hope my next update will be a baby announcement! I'm ready to move onto better things! :)
 
#218 ·
LOL, I wish that was the case!! Thanks for the well wishes! Still no baby.

Since she's overdue they did a biophysical profile to make sure everything was still good. She tested 8/8 for the stats they check out (muscle tone, amniotic fluid, etc) so she gets until Monday the 24th before the OB schedules an induction. I keep thinking of it in terms of an eviction notice. ;)

I'm about to go on yet another walk (read "waddle") around the neighborhood to see if gravity will pitch in. My mother won't let me go out after dark alone so my dad is going with me. Which is adorable. I am very spoiled. My sisters like to tease that they are only spoiling me until they get their hands on the baby. ;)
 
#219 ·
"eviction notice" :rofl:

I'm glad to read that your family is spoiling you. :D

So how are things with the father? Any better for you? I hope he realizes that the marriage is over and you won't be hoping into his car with the baby and heading back home with him, unless he has a major change of attitude, which is not likely to happen. Has he told his parents anything yet?
 
#221 ·
It's funny how our children rule the roost before they are even born. I'm eating watermelon while surfing the web, by the way. ;)

My husband and I are on good terms. He has kept me posted on his plans and he seems genuinely excited for the baby. He's been working on the house down in NC and sent me some pictures of what he's done. I'm glad he's happy about the baby stuff and I'm glad he's taking care of the house and not letting the yard fall to crap. My sister had the city called on her by a neighbor not too long ago because she wasn't cutting her grass weekly and there were weeds. The neighbor is a little bit a of a crazy person when it comes to lawn care, but I did worry what our yard would look like if my husband just altogether ignored it for the last 6 weeks.

To the best of my knowledge my husband has told only his immediate family that I'm in Virginia. He also hasn't amended his earlier statements that I left North Carolina because I wasn't able to deal with my stress. Since the baby is due any minute, I am just going to focus on being ready for motherhood right now.

I did tell my husband that he needs to clear any photos with me before posting to Facebook (I will afford him the same consideration, to be fair). I don't want him to post misleading things for all his friends and family to see. I'm sure there will be photos of the two of us smiling with the baby and I will be extremely displeased if he posts them without my knowledge and adds more stupid confusion to our situation. I feel fairly confident that he does indeed think that I will be returning home with him after his paternity leave.

I could be wrong. We've discussed everything at length so many times and not once have I said that I will toddle back home after I recover. Even when I thought he was interested in taking the steps needed to reconcile, I still said I intended to get in shape, learn to stand on my own two feet, and get my priorities straight before returning. Not once have I given any indication that I would just turn around and go home without MAJOR changes for both of us. But since he still completely refuses therapy of any kind and is apparently now using an email I can't access (I thought he left his old accounts unchanged to prove he wasn't hiding anything... silly me), has wiped and rooted his phone, etc, I have no reason to think that anything at all has changed or ever will.

My plan moving forward in dealing with my husband and his potential denial of the situation is to set boundaries as best I am able. There will be consequences if he chooses not to work with me on certain things. Not out of maliciousness or anger, but simply self-preservation at this point. For instance, if he goes over my head and posts misleading "happy family" photos, I will change our facebook status to separated. It's totally fine that people know we are both in love with our baby, but not if he presents it as a false representation of our current marital situation. Also, I've told him many times now that I am not advertising our situation, but when/if people ask I will share them that we are separated. If they are my friends, I give them a little more than if they are acquaintances. I am not dragging his name through mud or lying, but I'm not protecting his pride any more either. I suspect his mother will say something hurtful and insulting while she's visiting and I will be compelled to clue her in on some facts.

Since she's only been told that I had a breakdown and ran home to my family, leaving her son all alone to work full time, tend the house and potentially miss the birth of his child, I'm sure she isn't thrilled with me. She hasn't said anything to me at this point, but I imagine her saying something while she's here visiting like "See? This isn't so bad. Now, do you really think you needed to make such a fuss by leaving?" - something like that. Or maybe something more direct or angry. I don't know. She falls into that same camp as my husband where I am nothing special because women have babies every day. Which I agree with. But I should have been special to them because I was carrying THEIR baby/grand baby. His mother in law encouraged me to indulge in alcohol at my baby shower, that it was no big deal just to have one or two. She said that in front of my mother and we were horrified. Why even suggest that I take a chance on anything? I politely declined and she made some comment about being too fussy and went back to her seat.

So yeah... things are fine but I don't know for certain if my husband accepts the situation or not. I hope he does and we are honestly just on decent terms right now. It's very possible that he's loving being single and having the house to himself. I have no clue. We'll discuss it while he's here I'm sure, but not right away. First thing is figure out how babies work. ;)
 
#223 ·
It sounds like your husband is in that strange and absolutely infuriating mindset where he is both clueless about the reality, but at the same time patronizing and smug. If you are polite or coy with other people about your reading of your situation, they will easily accept your husband's version & this will make you want to scream even more. You may have to just start telling everyone quite simply and directly, 'my husband had an affair & I won't tolerate it.' End of story. If people counterargue, simply repeat your assertion, again and again.

Now to the truly important stuff - I'm hoping that you are delivering your beautiful baby as I post this. You have many virtual friends here waiting to hear the good news. Best of luck!
 
#226 ·
Baby update! Heading to the hospital this evening to begin the induction process. Tonight they will apply prostaglandin and then at 3am tomorrow morning, they will start pitocin to initiate labor.

The possibility of requiring a c-section is there, but we're aiming for natural birth... with epidural. ;)

My husband is on his way here right now. But I reserve the right to ask him to leave if he makes me uncomfortable. My sisters will be there and my parents are on stand by to come to the hospital at any point night or day. My grandmother and other loved ones are waiting for the baby's arrival before heading over. Though Nana might not be able to contain her enthusiasm for her first great grandchild. I won't be surprised if she shows up before labor even starts. lol.
 
#232 ·
Proud to announce: my perfect baby girl was born into the world via an unplanned c-section on Tuesday, September 25, 2012 at 1:21pm. She weighed 8lbs, 11oz, 21 inches long and is completely perfect in every way.

I have had some complications. Everything is fine, but it's almost laughable at this point. Like no one put certain allergies into my chart at the hospital. There is no way to prove I ever said I had certain allergies to adhesives, but I feel like the least they could do is not charge me for the follow up care and medications to fix their mistakes. LOL, it's just so silly.

Thank god all the negatives of the last nine months and into my post partum health have fallen onto me. My child seems to have been spared any ill effects. She is healthy, active, alert, hungry and silly. She is just so perfect I can't believe she is mine!
 
#233 ·
Congratulations to you and your (not so tiny) perfect and healthy baby girl. One day this precious little girl will know what the true definition of love and sacrifice means and she will have had the perfect example in you.
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