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Needy female friend- is this emotional infidelity?

46K views 260 replies 60 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I dated for 5 years and have been married for 2. I trust him not to cheat on me sexually, but I wonder about his attachment to his friend.

My husband and this woman have been friends for 18 years. His closeness with her has made me uncomfortable from the start. Back when we were dating, he would have her over for "movie night" and they would watch movies in his closed bedroom all night long. I questioned their relationship back then, but he was never secretive about it and other friends would corroborate that there was nothing between them physically.

She's kind of a "guy's girl" - primarily has male friends, loves to go out drinking, burps, farts, etc in public without shame. She's smart, funny, and outgoing. I tried to maintain a friendship with her because she is important to my husband. After my first issues were resolved, I got over my concerns and accepted her as just another of my husband's many friends.

HOWEVER, since around the time my husband and I got married (2 years ago), she has been extremely needy and demanding of his time. We moved to a neighboring state, but live about 4 hours from her so visits aren't impossible. She has a common law husband that she been with for years, she has a large family and many friends local to her yet she calls my husband at all hours of the night and day for his help dealing with her problems.

He has been pretty good about more or less avoiding her calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, etc because he doesn't seem to like being smothered by her. But she keeps upping the stakes and finding ways to make him feel compelled to go see her. She's always relied on him to be her hero and I never had any jealousy or resentment, just a mild irritation that she doesn't find someone else to hold her hand through life's many hiccups.

I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. I am no longer comfortable with my husband leaving me for days at a time to help his friend deal with her every day life. I haven't once said "you can't see her" or "it's her or me" or anything along those lines. But when she called him crying and demanding he go up there right away and he agreed to go up there. Since her reasons for needing him are becoming increasingly far-fetched (she think she has a brain tumor and her house was robbed but there is no police report, etc), I asked that my husband stop staying with her. Her "lover" (common law husband) is out of town and it would be the two of them alone all weekend. I don't think there is a sexual component in all of this, I think she is freaking out that her back up man and best male friend is now happily married and starting a family. But I also don't think it's fair that he stays with her and tends to her all night and day while he's in town. He used to stay with family, now he stays with this friend.

The level of "crazy" she has reached is really upsetting to me. She has started messaging me to get him to respond to her faster. "Tell him he HAS TO CALL ME, it's an emergency" or "I know your there, tell him to call me!" etc. I addressed it with my husband and expressed that I trust them not to be sexually intimate, but that he needs to talk to her about this. He agrees that once the baby is here she can't be doing this, but he also insists that staying with her is no big deal because her house is really comfortable and closer to town than his other housing options when he goes up there.

What it has come down to is the fact that he promised not to stay in her house this weekend when he goes up there again. He promised to stay with his mother who is very much looking forward to seeing him. But then I heard him on the phone telling his friend to "get the guest room ready for him" and making plans. I confronted him and he tried to make me feel silly for worrying. At this point, is the fact that he is choosing his own laziness (wanting a nicer room to bunk in) and her needs for his attentions over the simple request of his concerned wife grounds for claiming emotional infidelity?

I don't know what this will do to our relationship if he lies to me and stays with her anyway. I have told him so. I don't know what else to do. I feel like he gets a huge ego boost being the man she calls on despite her having many other options that are much closer. He's always liked being the hero and he always will. But with this particular friend, I am extremely uncomfortable. It's creating a lot of negative tension and he won't make any effort to do anything about it. Right down to telling me what I want to hear and planning to do what he wants anyway. To me, that feels like cheating.
 
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#246 ·
Update: Tomorrow will be 8 weeks since my daughter was born! She's perfect in every way, I couldn't be a happier new mom. :D

My husband has been here since she was born. He has been staying at the house as planned. The nursery is a very large room and we have separate beds on opposite sides of the room. As parents we are a great team. I have no complaints on my husband's skills as a parent. He's a natural in every way and I trust him completely. That was the biggest concern in all of this for me. Feeling unloved and rejected during my pregnancy made me fear that he didn't want this baby and she would grow up feeling like her father never wanted her.

There was a lot of unhappiness for both myself and my husband over the years but nothing that I considered a deal breaker until his close friend invaded our marriage. Therapy was refused at every turn, ultimatums ignored and I finally left.

Over the past 2 months we have done a LOT of talking. I have gotten my questions answered and we have worked through a lot of past hurts. He will be returning to North Carolina next week but coming up frequently to visit. I plan on driving down with the baby as soon as I feel comfortable spending that much time on the road alone with a newborn.

My husband has contacted a therapist and had a session with her on the phone. He plans to be in individual counseling to work through his own stuff and I may join him after a point when I go down to visit to work on our things. I am pleasantly surprised by this, but I try not to get my hopes up. I did share with him my thoughts on him being a narcissist. I really put it all out there over the last 8 weeks because I have nothing to lose at this point. He finally shared with me his feelings on various things, stories from his childhood that helped me understand him better, etc. There is so much about him that he just never wanted to talk about I never pushed it. But honestly, hearing about his past in greater detail helps me understand him. We talked about where I went wrong over the years and what I have done that has hurt him. He has a lot of valid issues with my actions on certain occasions and I appreciated finally learning his feelings about things.

I can't think of a single topic that we haven't discussed going all the way back to our first date. After countless hours of talking, I believe him when he tells me that his EA with his "friend" is over. He was essentially putting his foot down on what he considered to be another nagging complaint coming from his hormonal wife, but he chose the wrong thing to stand firm on. And, as originally stated 18 pages ago, she really went psycho with her demands on his time and attention. Not a single one of her "emergencies" was true from what I can tell. I am glad for this because otherwise she would be a homeless orphan with a brain tumor. :rolleyes: The other lie she used to get him to visit her was that she was moving away to go to nursing school and this was his last chance to see her before she left. Guess what? She isn't in school at all, much less New York. Oh well.

I don't know her motivations and I don't care. Though I may very well punch her in the face if I ever see her again. I think that would bring me closure. ;)

In moving forward we are on good terms. We will work out the terms of our separation agreement, but we are on the same page about what our expectations are. My leaving was the best thing that could have happened for us in my opinion. We need to be apart and continue to work on being patient with each other. My husband can now admit that he had stopped giving our marriage his best effort. He has been a wonderful companion these past 2 months. In light of his efforts to try harder with me, I am now comfortable trying to do things for him in return.

It's been weird and there is a lot of confusion from friends and family, but it's working for us. The most important thing is that our daughter is getting the love and care she needs from happy parents.
 
#254 ·
He was essentially putting his foot down on what he considered to be another nagging complaint coming from his hormonal wife, but he chose the wrong thing to stand firm on.
I know you're very busy being a new mother, but if you have time, could you elaborate on the above?

I sensed from the start of your thread that the pregnancy hormone thing could be the rationale for your husband's behavior, but what he did was quite extreme. What exactly does he say about his? What was his explanation?
 
#248 ·
I am SO glad to hear this! You are my poster child for success. You did exactly right - you stood up for yourself, you gave him a HUGE consequence, yet you kept the door open for him to right the wrongs, and you acknowledged your own part in the problems. And you did the King of all Tools - you communicated! I have high hopes for you guys.
 
#250 ·
My husband heads back to North Carolina on Monday. I am very sad to see him go, but I am definitely not ready to follow him.

SO much has improved and we are FINALLY working on our issues. We did the 5 Love Language thing and discussed it just this evening. His priority was Affirmation and Physical Touch, mine was Acts of Service. That right there says a lot about where things went wrong. I would feel let down that he wasn't helping me/offering to pitch in/keeping promises to do things. If he finally did them (usually after being reminded several times), I wouldn't feel much like praising him for his efforts. So we both ended up feeling like the other didn't appreciate us.

I feel that I can start to trust him again, but I don't feel secure yet. I am worried that things will fall back to how they were if I return to him. Right now he follows through on promises to help me/spend time with me/etc, but it hasn't been a long enough time to feel certain that my feelings will continue to be a priority in his life. I've been making an effort to go outside of my comfort zone for him. The more support he gives me, the more I am willing to trust him.

I trust him with our daughter completely. At the very least we can be happily divorced and friends. But I really do want to be a family in our own home. I hope he follows through on therapy and communication with me. I try not to get my hopes up, but it's hard when I feel like we're finally connecting again. Fingers crossed.
 
#251 ·
^ Its good that you've made progress and are leaning towards R.

Just be careful stone that the R is for your marriage, it doesn't become you.

What I mean is if its clearly not true R, its not gonna become one anytime soon no matter how much of yourself you throw into it.

You're child needs a happy healthy mother so you need to be in a situation where you can be both, with or without H.
 
#253 ·
Thanks :) I agree that I can't go back until I am happily doing things on my own. I want to get back in shape and find a routine that works for both myself and my child.

I have told my husband exactly what I need from him. I have listened to things he needs from me. Right now he needs to work his butt off to make amends, but in the long run I am still willing to meet him halfway. I just want us both to be happy and it's still going to take a long time for me to be happy with him again. I will pull back after he's gone. I agree with you, Kasler, that I can't keep throwing myself into it. It's been 8 weeks, there isn't anything more I can say/do. It's up to him to be motivated on his own.
 
#255 ·
Thing is you already confronted him many times about OW continued intrussion. He's gaslighting himself with the hormone thing.

He must search on his own about EAs and boundaries. Tell him. You claimed his Dad was the same, except he doesn't believe it. He needs to learn what is healthy/appropiate and what's not by reading about it and perhaps picking up the right role models.

I remember he physicaly abused you early in the marriage. Just stopping doing it won't fix a thing when the "abuser" mentality is still there.

A day at a time.
 
#257 ·
I think I have done all I can do. Officially. There is nothing left to do or say. I don't think that I can keep investing in this right now. The reality of being a single mother has sunken in this past week. The sleep deprivation is the hardest part. Caring for my daughter full time is a blessing. I'm so glad she's happy and healthy. She's just the greatest person I know.

I need to stop waiting for my husband to magically step up to the plate. He has come so far these past two months, but I realize to my disappointment that everything he has gained I have given him. I love him, but I will not keep spoon feeding him. If he can't find the motivation to do what needs to be done in the time frame in which I need him to do it, then I give up. We can be friends and he can be a father to his child.

I am officially done telling him what to do. I won't encourage him to continue his efforts. I won't chase him around for child support. I won't hint or remind him of promises. If he doesn't want to care for his child's financial needs then I will just have to work harder on my own. He's just not the type to figure things out on his own. He just sits down and hopes things will improve.

Time alone will not fix things between us.
 
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