Crazytown

I've been with my husband for about 15 years with a major separation in between (I left him because I couldn't stand the jealousy and issues).
He's always been the same way and I've always thought something was wrong with him. However, I have something wrong with me too apparently since I'm still with him.

I know no one on the internet can diagnose but can you give me some ideas?

He has always been insanely jealous and possessive. There has definitely been a history of emotional abuse. He interrogates me whenever I am away (work, gas station etc.), calls me constantly to "check up on me". He has managed to estrange most of my friends and family over the years. I am constantly being accused of cheating even though I never have. As a matter of fact HE was the one recently caught in an EA. I put up with all of that because his ex-wife cheated and he was supposedly traumatized by her.

The other things he does are:

-turn little fights into major blow outs (I cannot remember one vacation, trip, etc. that has not been ruined by his temper or a bout of jealousy etc.)

-make me doubt things that I know to be true (I guess he's gas lighting me)

-makes me feel like I'M the crazy one

-when he does not want me to do something (such as dinner with friends) the fight goes like this every time---- first he begs and pleads for me not to go, then he yells at me for probably cheating on him and wanting to leave him, then threatens to pack up and leave me if I go, progresses to threatening me with custody of the kids if I "abandon" them

- black and white, all or nothing thinking

-very high sex drive, he is never satisfied even with more than once per day

Through my own IC I have become a stronger person and have been standing up for myself a bit more. So, he now tells me that the problem was always with me...because I did not stand up for myself?

Anyway, some other traits he has:
-very immature (everything is always someone else’s fault, no personal responsibility)
-always changes the subject back to himself, constant interrupting
-financially irresponsible (we both work but I pay all the bills or else he would just spend the $)

Ok, well I know I didn't paint a very nice picture of him but there are a lot of good parts too. Otherwise I wouldn’t be with him still...

Does this description scream out any particular disorder when you read it??

BigLiam

Check the cluster B's. In the old days, he would fit under cluster A (a-hole).

thunderstruck

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to me.

Check this - Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners and the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Sorry to hear.

__________________
Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

Runs like Dog

To me it sounds like a failure to pack his sh^t and GTFO disorder.

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fight back

Crazytown

I was scared that was going to be the answer...

thunderstruck

Don't be. I'm just some FN guy on a forum who has read a lot on BPD (due to W's behavior). Do your own research, and hopefully you'll find that I'm wrong. No matter what, you need to become an expert on boundaries, and you need to lay them down on this oversized child.

Also, Runs Like Dog's reply is way better than mine.

__________________
Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

Thorburn

I suspect that there may not be a disorder (could be) but that it stems from his past abuse and his ex cheating on him. That the issue has more to do with trust issues, insecurity and low self esteem.

My other concern is that he is accusing you of cheating. Is he projecting his misbehavoir onto you?

Then he is controlling you. Ending relationships with friends and relatives.

MC can help both of you with communication, etc. The way he reacts is typical of a person who is not mature and is insecure.

You already had one major separation. What did he do during this time? How did you decide to work things out and how did you come back together?

In the mean time I would firmly tell him the next time he gets mad that you will not put up with it. That you are willing to discuss things quietly over coffee and that we will set a time (one hour) to discuss this or that. I would also tell him that he will no longer be checking on you when you are out. Tell him I will tell you what I did or where I went but no more hounding me. That you will be an open book but you will no longer put up with obsessive checking and questioning.

I am sure you have your own issues and that too is open for discussion. Set time for these discussion and tell him to stop ambushing you and that we can sit down and talk.

__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”

pidge70

Also sounds a tad ADD/ADHD
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hookares

Ex cheated on him? He's permanently scarred and it's up to you if you want to stay with him.
Trust issues will keep me single the rest of my life.

Crazytown

Thank you for your advice.

When we were separated I moved out, filed for divorce and bought my own house. He never really left me alone or moved on. I dated, he dated but he still called me multiple times per day and hid his dating life from me (he pretended he was single and fully aviailable to get back with me at the drop of a hat). He threatened my boyfriends, drove by mu house and even dug in the trash for "evidence". He took me to court multiple times over custody and generally made my life hell. He also had inappropriate "relationships" with girls 20 years younger who would move in within a week or two of meeting him and "help" with my kids. That was very hard for me to handle. He has horrible, horrible judgement.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but I believe that most of my logic at getting back together with him was to keep my kids and myself safe.

To give him some credit he did quit drinking (yes he's an alcoholic too) and start counseling. Both of these things did not last though as soon as I allowed him to move in with me (it took a year of dating, counseling etc. before I agreed). Slowly over the last 2 years he has spiraled back into the very person I left.

I already know what being apart from him is like (hell for me and kids) and it's almost easier to just stay with him and protect my children from his outbursts and rage.

I do agree I need help with setting boundaries. I will say IC has allowed me to make a lot of progress in this area. I have stopped giving into his temper tantrums and ulitimatums.

I agree that part of his accusing me of cheating is projection now that we have the discovery of his EA on top of everything else. When I thought he was devoted and faithful all of these other issues seemed easier to handle. Now that I don't have that either I am not sure what is keeping me here other than the memory of my awful separation experience!

thunderstruck

So he's drinking again? This thread gives me chills, b/c the full description of the H reminds me a lot of my abusive/alcoholic father. How old are your kids again? My mom took the beatings and his cheating for years b/c she thought she had to keep the family together.

I saw things that no child should have to see, and at age 10, I told myself that the next time he put his hands on my mom or older sis, one of us was going to be carried out of the house in a bag. The idiot left his shotguns in my closet, so that part was easy. I kept my plan to myself, but luckily my mom said she just got a gut feel that I was about to break...and that something really bad was about to happen. One night we left the house (under police escort) with just the clothes on our backs.

Maybe that isn't your situation at all. I hope not, but something to keep in mind.

__________________
Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

Thorburn

He is an alcoholic, rage issues, etc. Man o man. I get where you are coming from, but you need to get out. The more you tell us things the bleaker it becomes.

He is a dangerous man.


Get help. You can do it as tough as it may seem. You did it once and yes it was he*l but this is not a good life. I had two neighbors that I grew up with and seen their fathers act just like your husband. Both fathers grew up and out of their anger, drinking, etc, but it was late in life and the damage and chaos that they caused was never mended. My grandparents neighbor was a Major league ball player but also a raging alcoholic. He bought my grandparents original home and a few acres of their farm and lived right across the dirt lane from them. We would visit just about every Sunday when I was growing up. It was horrible when "Heinie" was drunk, and he would kick his kids and wife out of the house and they would then spend time with us. My cousin bought the farm from my grandmother, "Heinie's" children and wife moved out. Many years later Heinie died. No one knew it for four weeks, that is when my cousin decided to call the police due to the smell. He played for the Boston Braves and the Phillies but wasted his life with booze. His wife and kids left him and he died alone.

You deserve better.

__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”

Crazytown

Oh god Thunderstruck that is a scary story. I do realize that in my day to day life I down play his behavior because the reality is too scary to believe. An educated, professional woman caught in the same old abuse cycle... My kids are both young (under 10) but your story scares the crap out of me... The last thing I want is for my kids to be put through what you described...

Thorburn- thank you for your words as well. I do know deep down that I need to get out it just gets soooo overwhelming because I know what I'm in for... already lived it...

I guess deep down I was hoping he would latch on to someone else (poor, future girl...) and maybe leave me! That way he would have someone else to obsess over and break his tie to me. I thought that maybe he was gearing up for it when he had his EA.

Sara8

Is he a war veteran?

PTSD is often confused with Borderline personality disorder, particularly in the past.

Crazytown

No not a veteran.
But honestly maybe that explains why I feel I am starting to show some BPD traits now a days. Maybe I'M the one with PTSD from dealing with all of this all these years! lol