Can you (BS) have closure without exposing the AP?

LookingForTheSun · 06-20-2012, 04:02 PM

As a BS, and 3 months into R (and thinking I have been able to put WH's affair behind me/us), I am beginning to wonder if because I did not expose the OW to her family/live-in boyfriend, will I really be able to have closure? Would it only be a temporary "fix", and at 3 months out from last contact, would it be more trouble than anything? She is psycho and lives in another state. I am angry that she went back to her cozy life like nothing happened and here I am dealing with fallout. I never talked to her or responded to her nasty messages and emails. I was silent for 4 months while WH went back and forth (I did not know he was going back and forth the whole time). I am angry at him and her, and just wonder how to truly close this out without causing more grief for my family, but being able to look at myself in the mirror. Would it throw a wrench in R?

Juicer · 06-20-2012, 04:09 PM

I don't think you really can get closure, because someone just broke your heart.
Your heart is like a mirror, it reflects what holds its interest (don't analyze this, otherwise the analogy fails) but every time it breaks, that break doesn't go away. Some are small dents, others are huge cracks. And the reflection is never the same.

Anyway, lets put it like this. This person sounds like they need to latch onto someone to survive. Otherwise, they have nothing. So they go for what they think is easy prey: Husbands. And let's be honest, divorce at 50% or more, and divorce no longer carries the social stigma it did 50 years ago. And sadly, most guys are easily seduced.

But I think the big problem is: you aren't sure you want, reconciliation or divorce. You are flip-flopping between the two. Each holds it own lure to you, and you can't decide. And until you are 100% behind your decision, then you can't move on.

Numb in Ohio · 06-20-2012, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LookingForTheSun

As a BS, and 3 months into R (and thinking I have been able to put WH's affair behind me/us), I am beginning to wonder if because I did not expose the OW to her family/live-in boyfriend, will I really be able to have closure? Would it only be a temporary "fix", and at 3 months out from last contact, would it be more trouble than anything? She is psycho and lives in another state. I am angry that she went back to her cozy life like nothing happened and here I am dealing with fallout. I never talked to her or responded to her nasty messages and emails. I was silent for 4 months while WH went back and forth (I did not know he was going back and forth the whole time). I am angry at him and her, and just wonder how to truly close this out without causing more grief for my family, but being able to look at myself in the mirror. Would it throw a wrench in R?

3 months would be too soon for me to be confident in R, and to be able to say that I have put it behind me/us... Just my opinion..

I don't see that there can ever be true closure.

lamaga · 06-20-2012, 04:13 PM

Many people here will advise exposure. I don't agree, I think you have to find peace in your own mind, but that's for you to find, and I'm sure you'll take a little bit of wisdom from every response here.

One thing that struck me in your post, though..."she went back to her cozy life like nothing happened."

Please don't do that to yourself. You have no idea what is going on in her life, nor should you, but imagining that she is blissfully happy while you are not is a) unlikely and b) unverifiable. You are torturing yourself for no reason. For all you know, she's miserable now, she's always been miserable, and she always will be. You just don't know.

Amplexor · 06-20-2012, 04:17 PM

Can you gain closure without exposure? From my own experience yes. Franky your posturing struck me more as vengeance than closure. The best thing to do with the AP is to get them out of your head. You are hanging on to her, let it go, concentrate on your marriage and forgiveness of your husband. Otherwise it will fester until you do try and expose and that will rip the scabs off you and your husband.

In_The_Wind · 06-20-2012, 04:20 PM

I believe it can be done through MC IC and taking care of yourself
I think that exposure is really designed for breaking up an affair

Good Luck

cantthinkstraight · 06-20-2012, 05:52 PM

I think the only two reasons/benefits to exposing the A would be:

1. In order to shame them out of their EA/PA.

or

2. To protect you, your kids or family.

I'm not saying this applies to everyone, but for myself...
after putting up with the crap I did for years... the resentment
my wife had for me... only to find out that she wasn't playing
by HER OWN rules?

Screw that.

I told anyone who asked me what the matter was and I don't regret telling any one of them.

A lot of it was just getting it off my chest and seeking answers or reasons.

Don't wanna get stung? Then don't whack the hornets nest with a stick!

But to each their own.

Maricha75 · 06-20-2012, 06:40 PM

Well, at 3 months out, or close to it, I thought I was fine with not exposing to her boyfriend or anyone else....That is... until she sent hubby a text on Father's Day... nearly 3 months after we said "do not contact us"... she sent that text. So... now I sent a letter to her boyfriend telling him what she really is like. If not for the OW, I would have been content with NOT telling her friends/family. Had she just kept NC, I wouldn't have sent it. But... she did. And I am doing what I have to, to get her out of our lives for good!

aug · 06-20-2012, 06:58 PM

Expose away if you want. You owe nothing to her.

LookingForTheSun · 06-20-2012, 07:14 PM

Maybe I am just looking for that quick fix to get me over the hump I feel I am on. All I have is my husbands word at this point...and I truly want it to be enough. I told him after final DD that if she ever contacted him in any fashion (or he her) , that I would then react. For him, I would divorce and expose her to her circle. His mom and sister know, my family knows and my best friend knows. He just recently talked to one of his close friends, so he is half exposed. I see no need for anyone else to know at this point. If she made contact (which he swears she has not and I still find it hard to believe - but could be possible), I would expose, expose, expose. I just can't believe that she never made contact in the weeks following his last text to her, or on his birthday, or on our anniversary, or (I didn't even think of it), fathers day. Maybe she has moved on. All she has is his work address, and she has mailed him things there before.

About her being back to her normal comfy life - I know she is - she was when my husband was last texting her. She said she would not try to get in the way of us anymore, but yet she continued to send him naked pictures of herself, etc. I am sure she is miserable - she has to be to be that kind of a person with a history of going after married men. However, she is comfortable and sufferen no consequenses - that is what bugs me.

I know I should just focus on me and our marriage now, and I am, but it is still hard to choke down.

Revenge - I know it is not healthy, and I am normally very level headed, which is probably why I have not done anything yet and have handled things the way I have - always thinking of others and trying to plan out 10 steps in advance. I am a giver, but I feel like I am ready to take, and I hate that.

I am not a door mat, I won't allow this to ever happen again without consequences (I have shielded it from our children and don't want them ever to know if they don't have to). I didn't allow it to happen this time or the time before (that I only found out about when this one broke). It was all underground and very sneaky. Someone had posted on another thread - if it started out underground like that, how do you know - and I don't. All I have is a remorseful husband who appears to be making strides but my heart is still breaking and is slow to heal.

LookingForTheSun · 06-20-2012, 07:27 PM

Juicer - you are correct - that I do know about her - she survives by latching onto men. She has not held jobs, and uses them until the next best thing comes along, although her current she has been with for 5 years and he does have money She told my husband that she has never been turned down by a man and was proud of that....so sex is her game. I think a good percentage of women could say that if they wanted to. Now here we are - she was not turned down by my husband, but he stayed. That is when she began lashing out at me through Linked In, Facebook, voice mail, email....I would not give her the satisfaction od talking to me. So I think she was just playing him from that point on, keeping him hooked (although his choice), hoping to eventually break us up.

Acabado · 06-20-2012, 08:05 PM

I don't see anything wrong in a little well reserved vengance.
But not expect closure from it, it will come slowly from within, coming to tmers with what happened.
But a well reserved ass whipping? Are you Mother Teresa?

Go ahead and expose the tramp. His BFF deserve to know who he is in a relationship with in order to make his own decisions.

lordmayhem · 06-21-2012, 12:53 AM

If there is one instance where exposure is a must, it's to the OW/OM's betrayed wife/husband or GF or BF. When you expose, it's for a good reason, not just closure, but because it's simply the right thing to do. You certainly would want to know if the situation was reversed.

The OW's boyfriend deserves to know what kind of woman he's with. Like you say, she's some type of gold digger, and only stays with a man until she finds someone better. This woman definitely needs to be exposed for the tramp she is. He deserves to decide the course of his relationship with her.
Fishing - this is when the OW/OM tries to cast out some bait in order to renew contact. This is usually in the form of an email or text. Most likely something along the lines of "how are you doing", or "missing you", or "Are you okay?" etc. Exposing the affair will have her trying to save her relationship with her current boyfriend, and he will be on alert too for any contact between them. This usually results in a second pair of eyes on the affair partners.

So as you can see, exposure is protecting your marriage. Of course, there's no guarantee that exposure will solve your problem, as the OW's husband/boyfriend may simply rug sweep the affair (usually due to denial or desparation), but at least you tried. It's up to him what he wants to do with the information.

Now, a side effect of this is you may feel a certain satisfaction or closure. There's nothing wrong with this.

NextTimeAround · 06-21-2012, 02:37 AM

Whatever is legal, I would do it. I find those who claim to follow higher standards just do exactly how they feel when pushed to the wall.

I remember my father told me not to be a snitch a work. Snitchers are never trusted he said. Then I started to notice he kept snitchers on board in his office.

What made you decide to not expose her up to now? The closer to DDay the better, people will do everything they can to take the moral high ground like making the passage of a couple months the reason to diminish the social crime.

LookingForTheSun · 06-21-2012, 08:11 AM

I have not exposed for different reasons - she is nuts and may lash out at us (this is the reason my husband also gave when I brought up the idea)...I know - I should not listen to him and I even asked him if he was protecting her or still had an ounce of feelings for her and wanted her to be able to move on - he got mad. But still, I do know she is nuts.

2 - i don't want her in our lives ever again. 3 - my girls - it could get ugly if she ended up getting kicked out of her boyfriends house. She would basically have nothing - which is a huge motivator for me, and I hate that feeling. HOWEVER, at the same time, even though my husband has since said that if I needed to do that then he would support me, I think he knows that I would not, so no worries. And justa couple of months ago I told him I was over my anger and would not do anything that might cause harm to our family...but the anger is back.

So if I bring it up, I am going back and forth (and I know, I have every right to). I feel like I finally make it to the top of the mountain and then I just drop, and then everything is questionable. Then I feel like there is more to resolve.

One good thing is that she lives in another state far far away, but she still knows where he works, my work and boss know all about it so I am not worried there, and she is a heartless BE-OTCH - obviously.

So part of me wants to expose for revenge, part to make sure that husband really does have my back now, and part because I think her boyfriend should be allowed the opportunity to know the true her and decide if he wants to continue a life with her and God forbid bring children into the world - what a role model. I am so on the fence, so I have done nothing and it is eating me up again even though I promised I was good and moving on.