I have currently been married to my wife for about a year. We started dating around 10 years ago and for many of those years it was a volatile relationship in large part because we were both young. Also, she was more sexually active than me and the issue always seemed to come up. Another reason is that she is very social but I had extreme social anxiety and rarely went out with her (or my) friends. I can understand her frustration, but please also understand that I literally threw up when I went out.
About five years ago she moved away to NYC to start a job at a big financial firm. She started work with a large group of people and they naturally became social. She really liked her coworkers. Among this group there was a lot of intra-dating. My wife's best friend in this group "Katie," was actually sleeping with a coworker while she was dating her future husband at the time. My wife eventually took interest in a coworker during a weekend group trip. Nothing happened during the trip but from the trip pictures, it wasn't hard to see that an unusual number were just her and this coworker (in friendly poses, but still unusual). The next week we had another fight over the phone and I canceled my visit for the following week. This fight was centered on my reluctance to spend time with "Katie" and her other friends during an upcoming visit. We had lots of fights and lots of breakups, but a few days after this breakup my wife ended up sleeping over her coworkers' place where they fooled around (groped, kissed). I bought a same day ticket and visited the next day (unaware about her previous night's schenanigans) and tried to win her back. She told me it was over and swore that there wasn't another guy - the only reason was that I didn't treat her right. She seemed different and distant so I must have asked her 10 times if there was another guy, but she denied it each time. She made it clear that we really were broken up and I was destroyed. I ended up taking a few days off of work and taking the train to my brother's place in Philly. She stayed over at the coworker's place again the next night for more making out and groping.
She broke things off with her coworker the following Monday and during the next couple of months I talked extensively with her on the phone admitting to address my flaws and really working on our relationship. I tried acupuncture, counseling and medication to tame my anxiety and moodiness. My anxiety also settled down after work calmed and I began working out. After two more months, she decided to move back to be with me and also because she couldn't handle the stress of working in NYC.
Things have been good - we got married, but sometimes I still get triggers that make me think about this other guy and the feeling is just awful. It feels like my heart has been hollowed out and I have a hard time focusing on anything else.
It makes matters worse that she won't admit that she screwed me over. She is so adement that she was not technically cheating on me. But my response is I feel like she was cheating on me and in addition, it makes me mad that she won't admit that part of the reason she broke up with me was because she wanted to explore her options with her coworker. It matters because all of that time I was blaming myself for the breakup when there were other factors out of my control. This was her stance five years ago and this was her stance last night when things flared up. I took her back five years ago because I was desperate and I was worried that if I didn't pursue her right away there would be more guys coming between us.
She tells me that she'll do anything to make me feel better, but she won't own up to the fact that she screwed me over. She won't admit that her feelings towards someone else was a catalyst for the breakup. She offers to repeat whatever I want her to verbatim but she's clear that she doesn't feel that way - so it's like a slap in the face offer. Plus recently I found out that several of her friends knew about this other guy, so I'm embarrassed when I say we've been dating for 10 years and I'll usually throw in a caveat about a brief break in between.
Of course, she's caring and loving and there are a lot of reasons I love her and married her but I'm worried that I'm still not over this issue. During the past couple of days, I've started thinking about divorce, unfortunately she's two months pregnant. I don't think divorce is the answer. Most of the relationship is good, but this whole episode definitely illustrates her selfish streak. If she miscarries, I will give serious thought to a separation (otherwise the baby deserves our best efforts at a family unit). If we stay together, what can I reasonably ask of her to make this go away?? I feel like a weirdo for having such strong feelings about something that happened so long ago. She genuinely feels bad, but she can't offer me the apology I need because we just view the episode so differently. Is it reasonable for me to ask her to stop being friends with "Katie" who I view as an enabler? Keep in mind, Katie is not a horrible person. She's fine. Fun to talk to and generally nice - but I feel like Katie was a part of riff in my relationship with my wife several years ago.
there are some things you just have to get over. if she has given you no reason since to be on your guard, then try to get some IC for yourself. the guy may have just want to tag her, and when she realized that, it embarassed her so much, that she won't or can't admit how much a fool she was. as for Katie, you know she is a cheater, do you think her husband know she was dating the coworker?? is she being faithful to him now ?? if so, then that friendship stops now. also, he was her future H, but you never said if they was exclusive while dating.
We started dating around 10 years ago and for many of those years it was a volatile relationship in large part because we were both young.
Volatility has nothing to do with "youth".
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Also, she was more sexually active than me and the issue always seemed to come up.
She was more sexually active than you when you were dating?!
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Among this group there was a lot of intra-dating. My wife's best friend in this group "Katie," was actually sleeping with a coworker while she was dating her future husband at the time. My wife eventually took interest in a coworker during a weekend group trip. Nothing happened during the trip but from the trip pictures, it wasn't hard to see that an unusual number were just her and this coworker (in friendly poses, but still unusual).
She hangs out with a cheater and you think nothing happened but kissing and groping? I wouldn't believe that for a second.
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We had lots of fights and lots of breakups, but a few days after this breakup my wife ended up sleeping over her coworkers' place where they fooled around (groped, kissed). She made it clear that we really were broken up and I was destroyed. I ended up taking a few days off of work and taking the train to my brother's place in Philly. She stayed over at the coworker's place again the next night for more making out and groping.
They did more than grope and kiss.
You were in an unhealthy relationship and married without resolving any issues. What made you think a wedding band and a slip of paper would change that?
You married a cheater.
there are some things you just have to get over. if she has given you no reason since to be on your guard, then try to get some IC for yourself. the guy may have just want to tag her, and when she realized that, it embarassed her so much, that she won't or can't admit how much a fool she was. as for Katie, you know she is a cheater, do you think her husband know she was dating the coworker?? is she being faithful to him now ?? if so, then that friendship stops now. also, he was her future H, but you never said if they was exclusive while dating.
What is "IC?" My wife has given me no other reason to be on guard - at all.
I don't know what the exact situation was with "Katie" and her future husband...they may have been on a break or open relationship. I'm certain that he knew about the other guy because "Katie" drinks a lot during social occasions and when she did she would talk about the coworker even in front of her future husband. I don't know if she makes a habit of cheating on her husband (I don't think she does), but she is totally guy crazy. She always writes my wife emails about work crushes, guys on the elevator etc. Once again, "Katie" is a very nice girl and a lot of fun. I'm just not sure if I like her other qualities, but it may be moot since I don't know if it's fair to stand in the way of my wife's friendship with her.
Volatility has nothing to do with "youth".
VOLATILE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE WE WERE IMMATURE.
She was more sexually active than you when you were dating?!
BEFORE WE STARTED DATING.
She hangs out with a cheater and you think nothing happened but kissing and groping? I wouldn't believe that for a second.
I BELIEVED HER BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T NEED TO TELL ME ANY OF THE DETAILS OF THOSE NIGHTS. I WAS THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND I AM NOT CLOSE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE THAT SHE CONFIDED IN.
They did more than grope and kiss.
STRANGE.
You were in an unhealthy relationship and married without resolving any issues. What made you think a wedding band and a slip of paper would change that?
You married a cheater.
HOW WOULD YOU RESOLVE THE ISSUES?
Yes, I am rough, blunt, and to the point.
BLUNT AND ROUGH IS OK SO LONG AS THERE IS PRODUCTIVE INSIGHT.
Immaturity is no excuse for volatility, either.
I met my current wife when I was 16 and married when I was 18. We have NEVER had screaming matches or any violence at all. We have had arguments, but even then we seldom raised our voices very loud and never to a shout.
The reason i wouldn't believe she only groped and kissed is because she refuses to take responsibility for it. No remorse, no guilt. She slept with him. She's "trickle truthing" you.
As far as resolution, I think that you can only resolve this for yourself with a divorce.
Indivi. counseling=IR. you have the problem, not your wife. She married you. Does her and Katie go out for girls night out ?? BAD if Katie is boy crazy, that means she is Katie wingman. There are friends that are not good for your marriage. read some of the threads here on enabling friends. Your biggest problem is something only you can deal with. Either through counseling or letting it go.
"Katie" drinks a lot during social occasions and when she did she would talk about the coworker even in front of her future husband. I don't know if she makes a habit of cheating on her husband (I don't think she does), but she is totally guy crazy. She always writes my wife emails about work crushes, guys on the elevator etc. Once again, "Katie" is a very nice girl and a lot of fun.
Your wife's friend is NOT a nice girl. She's toxic, she's not a Friend of Marriage. I have no doubts she's cheater. She will enable and encourage your wife to "persue her happiness" no matter how, she's an entitled ***** with no boundaires who defends an hedonistic lifestyle who your wife will use a alibi is/when she needs it. She' dangerous. She has to go.
I'm far more worried about your wife who looks like the power games and seem incapable of owning her stuff.
Uh Katie is married and still guy crazy, yeah she sounds like a nice girl. Totally likely to be cheating, but nice unless you are married to her or if your wife shares her values!
Fast, clearly she had sex with the coworker. If she was into sex, and stayed the night they had sex. Admit it, and accept it if you want to stay with her.
I would be very worried about Katue and her influence on your wife, especially after the kid is born and she wants to get out and have fun... Without you. Posted via Mobile Device
You guys rug-swept the issues and didn't really deal with them. You're feeling unsteady because you're stepping on a lumpy rug and tripping up.
If you guys don't actually deal with the issues between you -- and it isn't a matter of who is right and who is wrong but something else, you're going to keep at this horrible feeling. Have you tried marriage counseling yet? Have you tried explaining to her that you feel shame about the experience of being discarded by her and then picked back up without even an apology?
She didn't show remorse for hurting you and you wish that she would see that she hurt you. Since you took her back without making her work for it, she feels like she must not have done anything that was too bad because otherwise you would have wanted an apology then. Drop the semantics about whether or not it was technically cheating and just tell her that the way she treated you then really hurt your feelings and that the only way you're going to be able to move past it is if you are both honest and deal with it. Tell her that the insecurity you're feeling because she is dismissing your concerns makes you want to leave her, but you'd rather not because you want to be with her. Ask her to please talk to you about the situation and acknowledge that there are two sides and see if she will talk to you that way. What I mean is...she seems to be avoiding the labels associated with that behavior because of stigma associated with those labels; if you can get her to talk about the behavior itself and how it affected you, she might be willing to let her guard down and open up and talk to you -- especially if she actually understands that this is upsetting you to the point of wanting to leave her because it is just sitting there unresolved.
Get rid of the toxic friend. Insist on counseling. Try a different approach in bringing up the issue to see if that facilitates discourse. And, please man up a little. You're a good guy and you deserve to be treated with respect; don't be so afraid to demand it.
You guys rug-swept the issues and didn't really deal with them. You're feeling unsteady because you're stepping on a lumpy rug and tripping up.
If you guys don't actually deal with the issues between you -- and it isn't a matter of who is right and who is wrong but something else, you're going to keep at this horrible feeling. Have you tried marriage counseling yet? Have you tried explaining to her that you feel shame about the experience of being discarded by her and then picked back up without even an apology?
She didn't show remorse for hurting you and you wish that she would see that she hurt you. Since you took her back without making her work for it, she feels like she must not have done anything that was too bad because otherwise you would have wanted an apology then. Drop the semantics about whether or not it was technically cheating and just tell her that the way she treated you then really hurt your feelings and that the only way you're going to be able to move past it is if you are both honest and deal with it. Tell her that the insecurity you're feeling because she is dismissing your concerns makes you want to leave her, but you'd rather not because you want to be with her. Ask her to please talk to you about the situation and acknowledge that there are two sides and see if she will talk to you that way. What I mean is...she seems to be avoiding the labels associated with that behavior because of stigma associated with those labels; if you can get her to talk about the behavior itself and how it affected you, she might be willing to let her guard down and open up and talk to you -- especially if she actually understands that this is upsetting you to the point of wanting to leave her because it is just sitting there unresolved.
Get rid of the toxic friend. Insist on counseling. Try a different approach in bringing up the issue to see if that facilitates discourse. And, please man up a little. You're a good guy and you deserve to be treated with respect; don't be so afraid to demand it.
Thanks for the great advice. I really wish I didn't sweep it under the rug, I just felt so guilty at the time because I thought the problems were all my fault. I wasn't a saint and I was very hard on her, but obviously we were both at fault for a rocky relationship.
The friend issue is tough. Two parts to it. First, is it fair to blame the issues on "Katie?" I don't know. I've given you guys a two dimensional view of this woman. Who knows how opinions would change if we knew her well. Second and probably more problematic...can I really get my wife to stop talking to this woman? Skype, AIM, Gchat, phone, text. There are so many ways for them to reach out to each other. If I were telling her to stop talking to an ex-bf, that's easier to understand but they were each other's bridesmaids and they have mutual friends.
Hang on. Katie and your wife's other workmates/friends only know about her, you and your relationship what your wife told them.
It's easy for a wayward to get incredibly damaging advice from well-meaning friends IF the wayward paints their husband/wife as being the sole cause of all the problems in a relationship.
Good point. At this point I don't think sealing off "Katie" is the right thing to do both because she's not a big part of the problem and second because that action wouldn't be enforceable. Also, like you said, it's very possible that my wife gave them a very biased view of me.
BY the way, I would love to get some advice from women. It seems like a lot of the advice is currently coming from men. I appreciate all of it, but still would like a different perspective.
This is a five year old incident, I'm married, I have a kid on the way and my wife is in a different city from her former coworkers so I feel like even thoughts of separation are silly. BUt still, it hurts that it still bothers me. I need to exorcise these negative thoughts.
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Young marriage, LT relationship need advice 
