Wifeneedshelp

Hi,
Last week I confessed to my husband that I cheated on him. He is distraught and I am horrified by my actions.
I would like to give you some information to shed light on our marriage and the affairs. None of the information is intended to serve as an excuse or justification.
I met my husband when I was 18. He was my first boyfriend and I was instantly in love. We were best friends and married after 6 years together. Now our sex life was never that great. I never had a sex drive. He attributes this to being well endowed and my being very small and a virgin. Having sex was not always pleasurable for me. I started the pill after we got married and that destroyed any sex drive I did have. About a year after we married, we moved into an apartment attached to his mom's house so that I can get my master's without having to worry about paying rent. After I got my masters, I started a full time job and a parttime job, plus an additional summer job. My husband who had been battling anxiety started working a commision based job, but wasn't able to make any money. This was the way it was for 2 years. I was the sole bread winner but we still couldn't afford a house. After we had our beautiful daughter we decided that my husband would be a stay at home dad rather than spend the money to commute to a job where he wasn't making money. I returned to both my jobs right after I had the baby. Somehow our sex life did improve once we had the baby.
Last August I started hanging out with some co-workers male and female and I became attracted to one coworker. My husband called me out on it and I admitted that there was an attraction but nothing happened.
In february he and I started flirting through texts and eventually I met him at his house and we had sex. All of the flirting gave me a high and the attention took me away from the financial stress. But the guy never spoke to me after that one day, and I became disgusted with myself. Instead of turning to fix myself and work on my marriage, I turned to another male friend to make me feel better. It was then that my husband and I started marriage counseling. I was still blaming all of our problems on him and not taking any responsibilty. Even when he asked if I cheated with the first guy, I still denied it. Then the second guy and I became very close. He was married too, but kept telling me how beautiful i was and how much he desired me. I was attracted to him, but his friendship was important to me. He knew I was weak and could be easily manipulated. And we started fooling around at work. We kissed a few times, then one day we ended up having sex. I did have sex with my husband the same night (this information has destroyed my husband). A few days later, his wife found the texts between us and called me and confronted me. She said she was going to tell my husband. I told him myself later that night during our counseling session. But I didn't confess everything at once. I told him about the first guy a few days later.
I am completely disgusted with myself and my actions. I cannot beleive that I have hurt someone whom I love so deeply. And now he is done with me. He says he does not see a future with me. I have lied countless times. But he now knows everything that happened. I am regretful and horrified, but I have never stopped loving him. He wants me to move out immediately because he just wants to get over me. Start dating and find someone else.
I didn't realize that all of the problems we've had throughout our marriage was really my fault. I outwardly blamed him for our financial troubles even though on the inside I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt like he didn't want to get a job because I wasn't worth it. I felt like his anxiety was because he regretted marrying me. I internalized everything. I've hit rock bottom and am now seeking help for my problems. I have my own therapist and will be talking to our priest as well. I want more than anything to rebuild our marriage, but he wants me out of his life. I completely regret everything I've done. I can't eat, sleep. But I am trying to keep strong for my daughter's sake. Part of me feels like I don't deserve someone as good as him. But I also know that if there is a way for us to work through this, our marriage will be stronger than ever, because I now see that I have a serious problem. I am reaching out for help. But how can I ever get yet another chance? He's given me so many chances in the past. I am fully committed to him and our family.
I was always the innocent one and now i feel dirty and disgusting. I want to fight like hell for him.

Tiberius

To be brutally honest, I do not think you will get much sympathy on this forum with so many of us who have suffered when our spouses had affairs.
You say you love your husband, but you had 2 affairs and he will not put up with this anymore, rightly so.
You have crushed his world and now you want him back. He is suffering and right now the best you can do is to leave him to rebuild his life. You have cheated not once, but twice, how can he be sure that you are not going to do it again?He has zero trust in you and without trust, there is no relationship.
Stay in therapy to deal with your issues, which you need resolving, be a good mother to your child and let him go so that he can find someone else who will love him and respect him.

tacoma

I`m not a betrayed spouse so this post may be the nicest post you`re going to get on this thread.

The only thing a wayward spouse can do for the spouse they betrayed is "Anything and everything the BS needs to get past it"

In your case this means leaving and signing on the dotted line when he`s filed for divorce.

It`s a process that takes some time and he`s on a seriously wild emotional ride right now so anything can happen between now and a judge signing off on the divorce.

Hope is all you have right now OP and if he`s anything like me you don`t have much of that.

Vanguard

Believe it or not, there is probably more of a chance for the two of you than you realize.

But it is really contingent upon how you hold yourself from this point on. The attitude that you have displayed in this post is a very promising sign- you realize that your affairs are your fault, and not his. Whatever problems the two of you had in your relationship prior are irrelevant-- the infidelity is indisputably 100% your fault.

That is a very good attitude to adopt. How long can you truly feel that way? Because he will need to continue to see true remorse and repentance on your part.

Ma'am, this is important- if you are going to get impatient with his healing process, it won't work. But if you can empathize... if you can truly see how you have murdered his soul, if you can share in his pain and be his helper the way that God intended you to be, it is absolutely true that you can have a stronger, more fulfilling marriage than before.

Go to him, throw yourself at his feet and tell him that you ****ed up and that you deserve whatever punishment he decides you deserve. But that you are resolved to follow him.

Submit to him. If you truly love him, show him that. Give him the woman he deserves. Be the woman you're supposed to be as outlined in the Bible. I have found that a woman is her most attractive when she is being the strong yet supportive person she was designed to be.

Don't try to manipulate him with tears- he will see through that and despise you. But if you are truly emotional show him. Face the horror of what you have done with him and he will be compelled to remember why he took you as his bride.

EDIT: I'll say it this way- if my wife had displayed to me the stance you seem to have, I would not have divorced her. No matter what kind of betrayal he suffers, every man longs to be with his wife.

warlock07

How long back did you confess?

MattMatt

Oh, God. Why is it we hurt those who are closest to us? The very people who we should not hurt?

I have been on both sides of this.

What you did was called trickle truth. It makes things worse in the long run, as I am sure you realise.

I hope you can get back together, but it might not be possible for him.

It depends how badly you hurt him. Did he know either of the other men?

WorkOnIt

This although the details are different sounds like the way my WW grovelled to me. I feel like I want to save my marriage, yet my mind is completely fractured. I know that I'm not sure I can ever feel the exact same way again. I can love but I don't know yet if I can ever get the trust back the way it was, or if I'll ever be madly in love with my WW again. I want to be. Time will tell. The difference is her A, was with one OM, and short lived. (One month time span mostly via email, a couple physical contacts). Either way I feel destroyed. Some days I want to forget and love her, and others, I want to lash out and destroy her for having the nerve. Time will tell how things play out but I'm holding faith because she's being remorseful.

Juicer

I love how you say you never stopped loving your husband. Even after you did this to him. It's like saying "I thought about you the whole time while I was cheating. With two other men."
Yea.....

I doubt your marriage can be saved, and for a few reasons:
First off, you had no sex-drive, for your husband. But you did have a sex drive for two guys that from your post, sound like they just used you for fun, then got rid of you. It's called hit it and quit it.
So, realize, your husband will think back on every time you refused him sex, and he will realize. It is not because you didn't have a sex drive. It is because you didn't want to have sex with him, you wanted it with someone else.
Is his thinking right? Who knows, but you can't fault him for thinking that way.

And very few men can get over the woman cheating. They feel that she is rejecting them, as a person.
Plus you cheated with two people. You can probably guess what I think you are. One person, is a horrible and regrettable action on your part. Two people is you consciously seeking out this attention and wanting it to happen.

Plus, are you still in contact with the men you cheated with? Because if you are, that is salt in the wound. Actually in this case, more like bleach in the wound.

I will honestly tell you, as a male dealing with this myself, get over what YOU WANT! You lost the privilege of getting what you want the second you stepped out your marital boundaries.
You want him to forgive you, and to go to counseling, and for you two to reconcile, and be a happy family once again, and grow old together.
You've taken away a lot from him. His happiness, his peace at mind, his trust in you.
The least you can do, is honor his request.

MattMatt

Juicer, is it possible for someone to have an affair and still love their wife/husband? Yes! Yes it is.

But you have to be in a seriously f**ked place, emotionally, to do this.

I think the bigger POS was the second man who was pretending to be a friend but was a player, taking advantage of a woman who was in that seriously f**ked place, emotionally.

Vanguard

This may sound incredibly obtuse, but I would tell you... be grateful for the option to choose. I was afforded no such chance. My wife cheated and I never found out about it until a year and a half later, after she left. I never saw her again. I don't know what decision I would have made, but I can tell you that I wish I had been given a choice.

Are you a Christian? Because if you are, the best thing you can do is understand that you can never fully trust your wife to do the right thing. And neither can she fully trust you. We're human, and as horrifying as this kind of thing is, it's actually pretty common. Trust is difficult to place in light of that. But you can trust the piece of the Cross that is in her.

jnj express

We are getting this discussion of whether you can be in love with your spouse, and have sex with another----kindly explain that to me

What kind of a love is it that, is happily/wantingly, willing to destroy, a TRUE LOVING INNOCENT SPOUSE---to commit him to mental purgatory for possibly the rest of his life---you all have been there on both sides---you know what the misery is---on top of that her own kids will be destroyed

She didn't have one bit of thought for her own flesh and blood child---tell me what kind of love is that???, I am really curious to know

To the OP---no matter what---DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB---you probably will end up in a D., court, and you have a good source of income, you are gonna need it!!!!

You will be told to leave work, cuz that keeps you in contact with the scum lovers you had---but believe me, in this case, I think you know where you stand---your gut for sure knows where you stand, don't get the rose colored glasses on, and think there might be a R. in the works!!!!!

There will be those here that tell you maybe this will work out----but there is only one person here that knows your situation, and knows how your H. thinks/operates---He probably has had enuff of your screwing around on him----as with the guy you gave yourself to, who got what he wanted and dropped you, and you never learned your lesson---

Then making your H take sloppy 2nds----also giving sex to strangers so easily, even while you made it so difficult for your H

The sex tho isn't the the bottom line---the bottom line is that your H, stayed home and did his level best for you, his kids, and this mge, and you were out rumming around with scum---how do you think he feels, as you went to the homes of other men---was this your way of showing your love for him, and your own kids---Is that what love is---if so---give me a break.

I think you know in your gut, way down deep, you need to prepare to defend a D. action.

Will_Kane

Most cheaters who post here, post lies. Sometimes their spouses already are registered here and they just post the lies they already told their spouses. Other times their spouses register later. Almost always, the betrayed spouse has a much different viewpoint than the cheater, and then the cheater "remembers" a lot of pertinent points that weren't in the original post, like they still work with the affair partner or they still are in contact with the affair partner and refuse to give up that contact. Are you leaving out anything like that?

From your husband's point of view: Your husband thought you didn't like sex, it was painful, it was not pleasurable, he had to beg you for sex, you never initiated it, always put him off, rejected his advances most of the time. Now he finds out that you actually do like sex, you just like sex with other men, not with him. Your husband believes any interest in sex with him that you have coincides with your interest in sex with other men.

You say you told your husband countless lies. You give a lot of space here to your husband's inadequacy sexually and as a provider, but it looks to me like you only mention two lies you told your husband, not "countless," and you likewise use very little space on your affairs. So it comes across here as you blaming him based on the large number of words you use to describe his shortcomings and small number of words you use to describe your own, even though you do say it was your fault. So you are still focusing more on how inadequate he is, not very much at all on all the lies you've told or how terribly you acted. Your husband likely is sick of hearing about all his faults ad infinitum and very little about yours.

From your husband's point of view, you didn't stop the affairs on your own, the other men have unceremoniously dumped you, they only used you for sex, now they are laughing at your husband behind his back. They are your coworkers, so he may have met them, they knew your husband was married to you, saw his picture on your desk, and they belittled him as did you because he is a stay-at-home dad and he is thinking, rightly so, that you told the other men all that nasty stuff you told your husband directly about him being a poor provider who couldn't buy you the things you needed and who was so terrible in bed that you never wanted to have sex with him.

You say you are trying to keep strong for your daughter's sake. ??? Your husband did not cheat on you to break up your family and hurt your daughter, you cheated on him to destroy your family. Doesn't your husband take care of your daughter? He is the one who needs to keep strong for your daughter's sake, not you. If you are saying this to your husband, it probably annoys him no end.

You say you see you have a serious problem - what is it? Do you mean a psychological problem? Or do you mean a problem like you were selfish and only saw things from your point of view that your husband was keeping you from having the material things you wanted and keeping you from being happy?

You say he's given you so many chances in the past. I only see one other chance he's given you, the first time you admitted to an emotional affair. What are you leaving out?

You say you were always the innocent one. Your husband is thinking the opposite. You were always the guilty one, HE was always the innocent one.

You are never going to convince your husband to take you back if your post here is any indication of what you say to him.

Will_Kane

You say this in the first line of your post, making it sound like you voluntarily confessed:

Last week I confessed to my husband that I cheated on him.

Then much later in the post, you reveal that your confession was not voluntary at all, it was forced by the other man's wife, it was cowardly done at a counseling sesssion, and it was not even a full confession, when you say this:

his wife found the texts between us and called me and confronted me. She said she was going to tell my husband. I told him myself later that night during our counseling session. But I didn't confess everything at once. I told him about the first guy a few days later.

I could go through your post and point out at least a dozen of these types of minimizations (on top of the ones I already pointed out).

If you want to get your husband back, you better start putting yourself in his shoes and seeing things from his point of view. Is it so hard for you to put yourself in his shoes? Make believe you were a stay-at-home mom and your husband did the exact same things that you did. Spend an hour or two making believe you are him, watching what you are doing, listening to what you are saying, and re-live the significant moments of the past six months in your head from your husband's point of view. That should help you to know how he feels and what would make him consider taking you back.

It is an amazing thing to me that most cheaters who post here seeking their spouses' forgiveness lack the ability to put themselves in their spouses' shoes. Maybe that is part of what allows them to cheat in the first place.

Shaggy

Your husband is doing the smart thing in getting rid of you. I don't think you have any idea of how you have destroyed him. You had your affairs, you chose, yes chose to cheat repeatedly. He didn't choose to be betrayed, to be stabbed in the heart by the one person he trusted in the world. No, only you chose and you chose to have sex with multiple men. Not only that, but you extra humiliated him with sloppy seconds.

There isn't any way to undo your choices to betray him. Nothing you can do to undo the humiliating and disgusting attacks you inflicted upon him.

He is doing the right thing in getting you out of his life. I hope he can get as much custody as possible, and give you none of a marriage assets. You threw your husband, family,and your daughters chance to grow up in a happy family with your repeated choices to cheat.

Send you husband here do he can get support.

To your question : Can you save your marriage? What's left to save? You've destroyed it and your husband through multiple affairs. You had no guilt at cheating. None. That totally reflects your inability to feel any empathy or love for anyone but yourself. You would be in your lovers arms tonight if his wife hadn't caught the two of you cheating. You chose to end you marriage. You did iit. You just didn't tell your husband he was no longer married. Instead you used him as a baby sitter so you could humiliate him.
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aug

There may be a chance for reconciliation.

The affair was ended by the OM's wife. I suppose it would have ended eventually like your first lover. And you move to a 3rd man eventually.

I dont know if you are truly remorseful or regret getting caught.

In the off chance you are remorseful, there is not much you can do while your husband rides his wave of emotions. Where he lands depends on him.