Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions
OK - so here is my story.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years now, and up until now everything has been great. We've always had a great relationship, don't argue much (and when we do we never hold a grudge, we say what's on our mind and within hours are back to normal) and there have never have been any issues with infidelity or mistrust whatsoever. Lately, however, I am not so sure.
5 weeks ago, we had our son's 7th birthday party at a Lazer Tag place, and the owner of the place was really nice. He let my youngest son, who is 3 and shouldn't have been in there at all, go in for free because he was upset and generally went out of his way to make our party great. Well he and my wife get to talking and we find out he is a cyclist who has gone so far as to try out for the Olympics. The reason this matters is because my wife is a triathlete. So they start talking about riding together and setup a time to do so. He even asked me if I would mind and I told him no - harmless enough I thought.
Fast forward a few weeks and now he is training her full time. Not only do they see each other almost every day for several hours but the thing that really made we wonder is that last weekend, I saw her phone going off almost all day. I checked the logs in our wireless account and come to find out that they've exchanged over 1000 texts in the 5 weeks now that they've known each other. On top of that, they've had numerous lengthy conversations.
I did confont her about it and she said that she has nothing to hide and that most of their conversations are about training but that they do talk about other stuff i.e. his business, kids, etc. She is adamant that nothing inappropriate has ever been exchanged. When I did confront her, she was not defensive at all, she told me she felt bad for making my feel this way at all but that she was learning a lot from him. We talked about her previous trainer whom she just ditched for this guy, and I do know that her previous trainer doesn't help her at all as much as this guy has in the past 5 weeks. The last one (female) would also do the same triathalons with my wife and is very competitive and my wife felt like she didn't give her all to training her because she didn't want her to beat her and that's why she is so relieved to find someone that is actually training her - stuff like monitoring heart rate, nutrition, etc. - the old trainer didn't guide her on so I can see that for sure.
We've made love several times since I confronted her, she's cried and told me how much she loves me but she did also say she wishes I would just trust her and that she absolutely has no connection or feelings for this guy at all.
Now the other caviat to this is she is signed up for an Iron Man in July and she is pretty scared about it. It's long and it will be a really big challenge for her. Her last trainer was not doing much to prepare and I can see that this new guy has helped her tremendously. But he did also travel 2 hours to the race course on a Saturday to scope it out for her and help adjust her training. That was kinda wierd to me. It just seems like they are spending a lot of energy with each other and have only known each other for 5 weeks.
So here are the red flags:
1. The texts continue and in the same large numbers. Now she knows I can see how many texts take place by looking at our account online, but yet I would think that if she knows how I feel she would stop.
2. She only has phone conversations with him when I am not around....i.e. when she is out running errands or something.
3. I've checked her phone and all of her text conversations from him were always deleted.
4. She seems very careful to guard her phone.
Now some of the reasons I feel like maybe I am going overboard:
1. Since I've confronted her, she has been more open about him. She talks to me about their conversations, and I don't ask she just freely talks about them.
2. They both want all of us to have dinner (he is married) - so my wife and I and his wife and him.
3. Our relationship is still great. She doesn't act any different towards me, we still talk, etc.
I am so confused right now. She has given me both reasons to trust her and reasons to be concerned.
So I am asking for feedback from this community, based on your past experiences, what your opinions are.
Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.
Re: Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions
If you read other threads on this forum, you'll see that the deleted texts and "phone guarding" are a massive red flag.
Has she ever guarded her phone before? If not, this makes this red flag that much bigger.
It seems that you've got two ways to go. One: be direct and open with her about your concerns. Tell her that you don't feel that you're getting the full story and that she needs to be completely open with you. Ask her why she is guarding her phone and why she feels the need to delete the texts. If nothing is going on, then there should be no need to delete them.
Two (which many on this site would recommend): install spyware on her phone ASAP. Don't confront until you have more solid evidence. Unfortunately, this may be the way to go. She knows that she has something to hide (100's of deleted texts) and she denies it. Approach number one (open and honest) has not worked so far.
You need to get on this as soon as you can - before the EA goes PA.
Re: Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions
1000s of text messages deleted?
That's a lot of effort if those communications are all strictly about training. What would be the point? Does she delete all her other texts as well? If not, this is very suspect behavior.
However, the fact that she doesn't act any differently towards you is a major indication that nothing untoward is happening there, imo.
I went through this exact thing. Discovered thousands of text messages and long calls at odd hours to the same number but this was definitely accompanied by my wife distancing herself from me, starting fights over nothing etc. etc. The change in behavior is what tipped me off to look at the phone records.
Could be just training. My advice: Be cool but candid. I'd ask her straight up not to delete anymore texts so that you can read them and see how she reacts. Put little stock in what she says. Watch what she does.
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Re: Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopingImWrong
1. Since I've confronted her, she has been more open about him. She talks to me about their conversations, and I don't ask she just freely talks about them.
This is not necessarily a positive. She is validating to herself that the relationship is OK because you are OK with it. She may very well be in denial as to what this relationship is. She has stated that nothing inappropriate has happened and that is possible. Have you discussed the concept of an EA with her?
Re: Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amplexor
Have you discussed the concept of an EA with her?
I have not discussed this concept with her.
Part of me does wonder if she does need him on an emotional level because of the support he is giving her and the help he is giving her (that her old trainer didn't) as this will help her get through her Iron Man race in a few weeks.
Just not sure what my next move is.
Like t_hopper_2012 says I have two ways I can go.
Have another conversation with her or take the high road, don't let her see me concerned and start to collect evidence.
Re: Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopingImWrong
2. She only has phone conversations with him when I am not around....i.e. when she is out running errands or something.
3. I've checked her phone and all of her text conversations from him were always deleted.
4. She seems very careful to guard her phone.
Re: Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions
If they are already spending 3 hours a day with each other training, why can't they discuss what they have to then - why additional calls and texts - and crying during/after sex is bad, bad, bad. I pray for you that nothing physical has happened yet, but you need to stop it now. Never give your spouse permission to spend time with someone of the opposite sex.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,599
Re: Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions
Your wife and marriage are in a dangerous position. The biggest flag to me just as in a work related EA is the amount of communication outside of their "required" time together and the deletion of the texts and calls. That is deception so she knows what is going on isn't proper. At this point I would plan out a very straight forward discussion with her. Express your concerns with this relationship. Discuss the deleted texts and how that looks. Discuss how his wife might feel about this. Determine your boundaries in relationship to this man and state those clearly. If that is no contact (And I think is should be) then be clear about it and the consequences. If she accepts your boundaries then be sure you follow up in monitoring her actions. If she doesn't then you know you have a serious problem.
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Not Sure if My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair - Need Opinions 
