I need help...After my own affair.
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » I need help...After my own affair.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree208Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-22-2012, 06:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Stephanie.Jackson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Killeen, TX
Posts: 194
Default I need help...After my own affair.

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together since i was 16 and he was 18. He joined the army after 4 months of dating and we were married about 2 years later when i was barely 19. We've been together a little over 5 years now.

Anyways, my husband deployed for the second time, and long story short, after being pursued over and over again, I cheated. I cheated emotionally and physically for 10 out of the 12 months he was gone. He came home June 1st and on June 17 I admitted to what I had done, after he came into my workplace and asked me (I was planning on seeing a therapist the next day to discuss it with him but yeah, happened before I could.) and I said yes. Two and a half hours later (longest 2.5 hours of my life) I got off work and went home and he asked where I was staying cause I wasn't staying there. Well I had been hoping I could stay in the guest bedroom, but since he wanted me gone I left within the hour with a few of my belongings. I ended up staying with the other man because my only other option was my mom and she lives over an hour away and i work and go to school here.

Anyways, within the next couple days, we divided up our bank accounts and took my name off everything. He said he wanted our divorce to be amicable. We both agreed not to divorce for another year because he'd lose over $1000 a month from the army and couldn't afford the house, and I need the medical benefits. Once a day I'd go to the house and he'd chew me out basically and say how much I hurt him, things I expected. But he also said I left him for another man even though he told me to get out so I did. Now that my stupid fog has been lifted, my feelings for my wonderfully perfect husband have come back and I want to be back home (I always wanted to be there, but I really know now that he is who I want forever.) Well, last night while I was at the OM apartment, his neighbor kicked my dog, and my dog means more to me than basically anything and I grabbed him and my keys and I got in the car to get away while crying hysterically because that just topped off all my stress. I ended up going to my husbands house and he comforted me and we eventually started talking after he chewed me out about what i did for like 45 minutes. I spent 7 hours with him last night and he just held me and kissed me and cried a little and did all the things he used to do. He said he just wanted to pretend like none of this happened and get back to the normal us. He tried to have sex but I declined to spare him any pain after i left. This morning I had to go back over there to get the other dog for the weekend because hes going out of town to clear his head till Monday, and we ended up cuddling again and did eventually have sex. A few hours later while he drove to his destination he called me and we talked for 1.5 hours. He told me his parents hate me for cheating on him and some other stuff (it's funny cause my dad went to a bar on two separate occasions and witnessed his dad cheating on his mom... hypocrite much... I want to bring that up but I have bigger things to worry about right now).

Anyways, the reason I'm writing my whole life story for you guys is because I need help. I messed up bad and I want to fix it more than anything in the world. He made a comment on Tuesday that he kinda understands how his coworkers took their cheating wives back, but that he hates me so much and is so disgusted with me, but yet he loves me so much and doesn't want to let me go and makes excuses to get me to come over. When we're not physically together, he's so angry and never talks about a possibility of us reconciling, but when we're together it seems like there is hope for us. I am still living with the OM cause it's my only option at this time. I have been hinting that I don't want to be in this relationship to him but feel I have to so I wont be homeless, but he hasn't mentioned letting me stay in the guest bedroom. But I can tell it hurts him that I am over here and not with my mom or something. I don't get it, what am I supposed to do? He loves when I come over and he is super affectionate with me, but it seems to fall on the backburner when we aren't together. How can I fix this? Is this fixable? I know I need to get out of this OM place and he's driving me crazy anyways but I have no where to go unless my husband says I can live in the other room, but he's made no hints about it and I am definitely not going to ask that since I messed up. Sorry for the long story, but this is my life and I need it back and I will do whatever it takes to get him back and spend the years it will take for him to trust me like he used to. Thank you.
Stephanie.Jackson is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-22-2012, 06:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Wild blue yonder
Posts: 4,824
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Find another place to live. No contact with the OM. Come clean and tell your husband everything he asks, hold nothing back. You are about to have the emotional pain you caused him to drop on you like two tons of bricks.

Are you ready for that?

You will also receive some pretty hurtful replies here. Brace yourself. Most of these folks have been cheated on and are in severe emotional pain. Most would have rather been shot and killed than have gone through this pain.

But... get past that and read the advice that will be posted here. It's good and it works. Best of luck and hang on.
sandc is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
warlock07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7,019
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Do your husband a favor and leave him. He is an idiot and will want you back, but don't go back. You married too young and too early. You aren't in anyway ready for a long term commitment like a marriage. Now you cheated on your OM because his neighbor kicked your dog? Come on!!!! . Divorce and enjoy single life for sometime. You are immature and not fit for relationships, atleast for now.. "Narcissist" is the first word that popped into my mind after reading your post
warlock07 is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 277
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Sorry but if I was your husband. We could never reconcile while you were living with the OM. Are you still cheating with him? You could drive an hour from your mom's house if you truly felt enough remorse. so from what I'm reading your husband and reconciling your marriage isn't as important as driving 1 hour? so basically you have to stay with OM? WOW.
Posted via Mobile Device
Vanton68 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
KanDo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,106
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Go back to your home. Tell your husband you are an idiot and that you are going to make it up to hm in any way possible. Tell him you are staying. Period. You aren't divorced. It is still your place as well. Sleep in the marital bed. . Be loving and let him cool off.

I can't say it will work for you; but, I can say what you are currently doing most likely won't.

Good luck.
__________________
KanDo

If you want to feel better about your situation, read my story http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...t-message.html
KanDo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Stephanie.Jackson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Killeen, TX
Posts: 194
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

I want to find a place to live but I can't. It's seriously my old house, or this OM. I only work 11 hours a week, making about 500 a month while also in nursing school. I would barely be able to afford the gas of driving around everywhere and things that I need. I haven't told y husband "I want to work it out" but only because 1.) I think it's obvious by my actions, and 2.) I feel if I did he might say "oh well" and i am not ready to hear that yet.

As for the give him any answers thing, I've read this forum before and actually when I got off work I said do you have any questions, and he would try to ask questions but then quickly say nevermind, i don't want to know. To EVERYTHING. I feel lost.
Stephanie.Jackson is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 10,275
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Well, my congratulations on coming here. That took some courage.

You'll get Hell from some people here. Being cheated on by the one you love or loved more than anything makes for some interesting reactions to other cheaters.

You both need counselling. Individual and couples counselling.

Cut off ALL contact with the OM. Send him a No Contact letter.

Does your husband know about this site? Might be worth telling him about it, so he can get some help here, too.

Oh, yes. Tell him all he wants to know. Do not trickle truth. By that I mean do not give partial answers and then add more details later. That doesn't help.

Not all cheated on spouses want ANY details, so you must treat your husband as HE wants to be treated.

My best wishes to you both and your dogs, too, of course!
MattMatt is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 277
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

ADN, BSN, LPN? Just curious? and are you still want a relationship with the OM?
[size=1]Posted via Mobile Device[/

Last edited by Vanton68; 06-22-2012 at 06:38 PM.
Vanton68 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Stephanie.Jackson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Killeen, TX
Posts: 194
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Yes, I married young. Yes, I have my immature moments as I am only 22. This is a huge life lesson for me. We honest to God had the most amazing marriage. I had a blind, dumb, selfish moment and hurt the most amazing husband anyone could ask for for no reason other than pure loneliness while he was gone. He's been gone for 3 out of the 5 years we've been together due to the army. He was stronger than me and I've completely learned my lesson. No, I didn't cheat because someone kicked my dog. I am not in a real relationship with the OM, I have no desire to have sex or any kind of affection with him. There is so much tension in his apartment because you can literally feel how unhappy I am. I am seriously considering moving to my moms, I am also hesitant to do so because she has a new bf and is never home, she's actually currently across the country right now with him, and I will be totally isolated. I want to tell him I am moving in, and a part of me thinks that's what he wants me to do/say but I am afraid to because I don't want to push him away.
I am thankful for all advice, even the advice I don't agree with, but I am not going to just leave him because eventually it may or may not be the best thing for him. I've never seen another marriage like ours and I am sorry I messed it up but I will do whatever it takes to not just let him go, I'm sorry.
Stephanie.Jackson is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Stephanie.Jackson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Killeen, TX
Posts: 194
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

ADN. I have 11 months till I graduate, then I am going to progress to my BSN while I work as an RN.

NO I DO NOT AT ALL want a relationship with the OM. I am kicking myself daily for what I did.
Stephanie.Jackson is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:40 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 277
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Im a vet who had his world destroyed by a WW who cheated while I was deployed. There are a few other GIs who have threads on infidelity during deployments. This might be a good site for your husband.
Posted via Mobile Device
Vanton68 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
warlock07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7,019
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephanie.Jackson View Post
Yes, I married young. Yes, I have my immature moments as I am only 22. This is a huge life lesson for me. We honest to God had the most amazing marriage. I had a blind, dumb, selfish moment and hurt the most amazing husband anyone could ask for for no reason other than pure loneliness while he was gone. He's been gone for 3 out of the 5 years we've been together due to the army. He was stronger than me and I've completely learned my lesson. No, I didn't cheat because someone kicked my dog. I am not in a real relationship with the OM, I have no desire to have sex or any kind of affection with him. There is so much tension in his apartment because you can literally feel how unhappy I am. I am seriously considering moving to my moms, I am also hesitant to do so because she has a new bf and is never home, she's actually currently across the country right now with him, and I will be totally isolated. I want to tell him I am moving in, and a part of me thinks that's what he wants me to do/say but I am afraid to because I don't want to push him away.
I am thankful for all advice, even the advice I don't agree with, but I am not going to just leave him because eventually it may or may not be the best thing for him. I've never seen another marriage like ours and I am sorry I messed it up but I will do whatever it takes to not just let him go, I'm sorry.
You are too young to be in this messed up sh!t. So now that you moved in with the OM, it isn't rainbows and unicorns. How come you were cheating with guy for 10 months? Believe me, you are not ready to get back with your H either. You want to move back because things are bad with the bf. What happens when things get back with your H again? Find a roommate and work extra hours. Get some financial assistance from your mom.
warlock07 is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 06:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: London
Posts: 1,721
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Stephanie, it looks like your Husband isn't completely resigned to divorce and there may be some hope for you two. As others have said, you need to move out ASAP. Your presence at the OM's house is a knife in the heart by itself. Move to your Mum's house and take things slowly with your husband. I think he'll eventually come around but the wounds are still very raw. I understand that immaturity and loneliness played its part and you've learnt a valuable life lesson. Just be prepared however, your actions will have long term ramifications so you both need to decide whether to remain in a marriage already fractured when you're still young and can start afresh.
Complexity is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 07:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
warlock07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7,019
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

She is 22. Too young for this crap !!
warlock07 is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-22-2012, 07:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Mario Kempes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: In a better place, thanks to TAM
Posts: 265
Default Re: I need help...After my own affair.

Hi Stephanie. You need to go NC with the OM. You need to write the NC letter and show it to your husband and either let him see you post it or let him post it himself.

You haven't a hope while he's still on the scene or in the background. Good luck.
Mario Kempes is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Exposing an affair to stop affair chinagirl Coping with Infidelity 16 12-09-2012 02:01 AM
Affair?? marika906 Coping with Infidelity 24 07-13-2011 06:17 PM
My wife's affair, my e-affair, my book George Everyman Sex in Marriage 0 02-23-2011 08:01 AM
Is it an affair? nursemom2009 Coping with Infidelity 17 05-19-2010 09:11 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:51 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.