I need help...After my own affair.
My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together since i was 16 and he was 18. He joined the army after 4 months of dating and we were married about 2 years later when i was barely 19. We've been together a little over 5 years now.
Anyways, my husband deployed for the second time, and long story short, after being pursued over and over again, I cheated. I cheated emotionally and physically for 10 out of the 12 months he was gone. He came home June 1st and on June 17 I admitted to what I had done, after he came into my workplace and asked me (I was planning on seeing a therapist the next day to discuss it with him but yeah, happened before I could.) and I said yes. Two and a half hours later (longest 2.5 hours of my life) I got off work and went home and he asked where I was staying cause I wasn't staying there. Well I had been hoping I could stay in the guest bedroom, but since he wanted me gone I left within the hour with a few of my belongings. I ended up staying with the other man because my only other option was my mom and she lives over an hour away and i work and go to school here.
Anyways, within the next couple days, we divided up our bank accounts and took my name off everything. He said he wanted our divorce to be amicable. We both agreed not to divorce for another year because he'd lose over $1000 a month from the army and couldn't afford the house, and I need the medical benefits. Once a day I'd go to the house and he'd chew me out basically and say how much I hurt him, things I expected. But he also said I left him for another man even though he told me to get out so I did. Now that my stupid fog has been lifted, my feelings for my wonderfully perfect husband have come back and I want to be back home (I always wanted to be there, but I really know now that he is who I want forever.) Well, last night while I was at the OM apartment, his neighbor kicked my dog, and my dog means more to me than basically anything and I grabbed him and my keys and I got in the car to get away while crying hysterically because that just topped off all my stress. I ended up going to my husbands house and he comforted me and we eventually started talking after he chewed me out about what i did for like 45 minutes. I spent 7 hours with him last night and he just held me and kissed me and cried a little and did all the things he used to do. He said he just wanted to pretend like none of this happened and get back to the normal us. He tried to have sex but I declined to spare him any pain after i left. This morning I had to go back over there to get the other dog for the weekend because hes going out of town to clear his head till Monday, and we ended up cuddling again and did eventually have sex. A few hours later while he drove to his destination he called me and we talked for 1.5 hours. He told me his parents hate me for cheating on him and some other stuff (it's funny cause my dad went to a bar on two separate occasions and witnessed his dad cheating on his mom... hypocrite much... I want to bring that up but I have bigger things to worry about right now).
Anyways, the reason I'm writing my whole life story for you guys is because I need help. I messed up bad and I want to fix it more than anything in the world. He made a comment on Tuesday that he kinda understands how his coworkers took their cheating wives back, but that he hates me so much and is so disgusted with me, but yet he loves me so much and doesn't want to let me go and makes excuses to get me to come over. When we're not physically together, he's so angry and never talks about a possibility of us reconciling, but when we're together it seems like there is hope for us. I am still living with the OM cause it's my only option at this time. I have been hinting that I don't want to be in this relationship to him but feel I have to so I wont be homeless, but he hasn't mentioned letting me stay in the guest bedroom. But I can tell it hurts him that I am over here and not with my mom or something. I don't get it, what am I supposed to do? He loves when I come over and he is super affectionate with me, but it seems to fall on the backburner when we aren't together. How can I fix this? Is this fixable? I know I need to get out of this OM place and he's driving me crazy anyways but I have no where to go unless my husband says I can live in the other room, but he's made no hints about it and I am definitely not going to ask that since I messed up. Sorry for the long story, but this is my life and I need it back and I will do whatever it takes to get him back and spend the years it will take for him to trust me like he used to. Thank you.