It's hard to find a job and dump the place I work for just like that, especially in this economy. I like my job, I enjoy working for the company I worked for. He has some authority over me, although, he is not my indirect boss (He is the boss of my bosses boss). You're right, the emotional affair we have had could very well be a lie, he stayed with me even without the sex and the sex happens because I allowed for it to happen. He tried to call me and I ignore, he also send me a text message and I again ignore. I admit, I developed some feelings for him, but I ended it for the sake of my daughter, I don't want her to suffer because of my selfishness, I guess if I don't get the sex, then so be it. Will see how I can survive this whole thing.
Since he is that removed from you, you might be ok. Especially since he does not work in the same building you do. Just avoid him at all costs.
Since it has become clear that you want to stay in your marriage, you need to tell your husband about your affair. It will be hard but you have to.
Then he will decide whether or not he wants to reconcile or get a divorce. That's just a fact of life that you will have to live with.
If he decides that he wants to reconcile your marriage, then no you do not accept a life with little to no sex and him rejecting you.
After you read the book suggested, "Surviving an Affair", you will understand the idea of radical honesty. The two of you have to learn to be completely honest with each other.
You have to tell him what you need... you need a healthy sex life.
He has to tell you what is issue is with not wanting to ahve sex with you, not wanting to do things with you. Look at the links to "His Needs, Her Needs" and "LoveBusters".
You both have an obligation to tell the other what you need.
And you both have an obligation to fill the other's needs.
Since he is not telling you the probelm with sex, you cannot change your behavior to make things work.
And if the problem is stress at work, then he has to do something to get beyond that.
However, before you can get to the rebuilding, you have to get through the pain of the affair... that's step one... So tell him.
Has your spouse refused to spend time with your for years?
Nope.
still not as bad as cheating. IF people inside of a relationship are unhappy with it they can leave without doing any major harm to each other, and then find someone else to get their needs met. That way they have their integrity intact. they both had that choice, neither one took it. OP chose to have an affair, knowing it would do long term/permanent harm. not just in this relationship, but in future ones. That cant really be justified by only being given sex 2x a month. there are better choices than cheating.
still not as bad as cheating. IF people inside of a relationship are unhappy with it they can leave without doing any major harm to each other, and then find someone else to get their needs met. That way they have their integrity intact. they both had that choice, neither one took it. OP chose to have an affair, knowing it would do long term/permanent harm. not just in this relationship, but in future ones. That cant really be justified by only being given sex 2x a month. there are better choices than cheating.
I have stated repeatedly that there is not excuse for cheating. If you choose to ignore that I have said that it's your problem, not mine.
Well I guess augs had it wrong now didn't he? She never said what he claimed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aug
Yes she did. I quoted it.
Anyways, she further clarified her claim in another post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
I just went through all the pages of this thread to double check.
Yes she did say that he stopped having sex with her during the first year of the marriage. She later clarified that he does not initiate sex.. she has to beg for it. And they only have it about once every 2 months or about 35 times in 6 years.
It's hard to find a job and dump the place I work for just like that, especially in this economy. I like my job, I enjoy working for the company I worked for. He has some authority over me, although, he is not my indirect boss (He is the boss of my bosses boss). You're right, the emotional affair we have had could very well be a lie, he stayed with me even without the sex and the sex happens because I allowed for it to happen. He tried to call me and I ignore, he also send me a text message and I again ignore. I admit, I developed some feelings for him, but I ended it for the sake of my daughter, I don't want her to suffer because of my selfishness, I guess if I don't get the sex, then so be it. Will see how I can survive this whole thing.
That is the wrong way to go about it. It is the same attitude that made you have an affair instead of confronting the issue in a much constructive manner.
If the OM is your bosses boss boss, how he he get in touch with you? how did you make the first contact ? And what field are you working in? (Medical , retail etc)
Tell your husband that you are extremely unhappy with the lack of sex and insist on marriage counseling or divorce. You have to make your husband understand the seriousness of how you feel. If that means bringing up divorce, do it.
Tell other man to stop contacting you. If you forcefully tell him this, that you want no contact whatsoever, that if he continues you will file harassment charges against him. This should get him to stop.
I think you should tell your husband about the affair, but if you don't, you won't be the first to take that route. Give some consideration to the chance that, if you don't tell your husband, it is possible that someone else will tell him - other man, coworker who knows/suspects - and it likely will make you look much worse to your husband that you didn't confess, he found it out from someone else.
Whether or not you tell your husband about the affair, in the future, if you are having problems with your husband, face them head on. You can see it's better for everyone to divorce first and then find someone else than to cheat.
These are my opinions, not expert advice, and you are free to follow them or not.
In all honesty, OP should of never cheated regardless of what was going on.
Asking hubby to go to MC and him refusing is not communicating well enough. That's very minimal communication at best.
There is nothing that can justify cheating, ever. Your husband has a right to know. Also, get tested for STD's. What if you got herpes, gentile warts, hepatitis, or another incurable STD??? You will pass it on to your husband. I can bet this OM had several other women he was sleeping with besides you, married and single women. Have you thought about that?
My ex h cheated on me. He told me in one breath that I set him up to cheat and then he denied cheating all together. I left. When I left, I found out he had slept with several women while married to me. He defiantly was in a "fog", so to speak. He could not tell me the truth. He now cheats on his current wife.
OP, your husband has the right to know. You have no rights cheating on him while married. YOU broke your marriage vows, not him. There is nothing in this world to justify your actions. Woman up to them and tell your husband. Yes, he may leave, but YOU chose this path. He may stay too.
Just to let you know, in my marriage now, I do all of the initiating of intimacy. I'm much higher drive then my husband. If he says no and I'm going crazy inside, I know how to take care of myself. My husband works very hard for our family and I respect that.
I respect my husband as he respects me. However, my husband and I address any issues ASAP. We don't hold back on anything.
I'm not sure why you are living in this lie and not telling him because your not ready for divorce? Why is that? You can't have your cake and eat it too. Life doesn't work this way. You made a very big mistake and you must own up to it. Rug sweeping will not solve any issues. Your marriage now will just get worse as time goes on.
Put yourself in your husbands shoes, how would you like if he had an affair on you? If he was in love with another woman? Would you be okay with it? I bet you wouldn't.
Thank Elle. The OM is a 29 year old single. What attract me the most is the "fantasy" he provides for me that my husband refuse to give. He is the man, my husband used to be. This all feel like a bad dream to me, I never thought that I will be in this situation. My husband is a great man, but he is not what the OM is. I don't know, it is hard to explain. Maybe, the lack of intimacy between my husband I led me to stray. I take full responsibility for what I did. I am just very worried of reproccussion I will be made to face once my Husband finds out.
It's important for you to know that many men are experienced 'players', and know what exactly what to say and do to women who are still young, but have been married a few years and the passion may have gone out of their relationship. I know single guys that 'target' married women because many times-- they're easy. All of them looking for the same; romance, and fantasy, a knight in shining armor. And it's it easy to provide on a secret rendevous with no crying kids, no worrying about bills, and without the dulldrums of married life. To be honest I think your OM is one of these. That's why he's not so interested anymore as things get more serious. He's probably moving on to newer clients.
At least give your husband the same chance you give the OM.
The OM chased you for a couple of months, and he got you to have sex with him twice in the last month.
You say you ended it - but that was in the last week right after you had sex.
He'll be back and he'll be pressuring you- oh, at first it will only be coffee etc, but he'll be working on getting you in bed with sweet talk. He knows he can, he knows what will work.
He might even say you need to meet him or else he will tell your husband.
Either way - he'll be back because he's found that he can get you in bed. So don't just think you're so easily done with him. He knows you are married and will have sex with him. If you really weren't like that you wouuldn't have had it once, and you certainly wouldn't have had it twice.
Right now your OM is just waiting for you to get over the fact that you are a cheater and to rationalize your guilt away. Give is a week or two, and he'll be right back expecting you in his bed again.
I must ask, how does a mom, with a job, who is the primary care giver, find the time to get away for romantic dinners with your OM and sex with him? How do you explain to your husband the gifts he is giving you, and the sexy clothes you wear for him?
You weren't a coward when it came to taking off you clothes twice and getting into bed with the OM. You found the courage to go on dates, when you knew what he was after. You found the courage to have sex.
So, find the courage to be honest with your husband that your marriage vows have ended a month ago.
If you can't say the words, write them down and give him the note.
and no matter what happens - DO NOT - run back into the arms of the OM, even if your husband asks you to leave.
You strayed and you realized that its wrong and you ended it, its a good move because many WS come to this stage only when they have their D papers in their hand. It will be too late for them to do any thing to save their marriage and correct their mistakes (bad choices)
When you decided to have an affair you know that it was wrong, it will hurt your husband, it can destroy your marriage still you proceeded and took it to PA, so you have to face the consequences for your action its inevitable but consequences may be less if you reveal it yourself, it will give more chance of BS believing you. If he find it himself the result will be more disgusting and more devastating to your marriage and to your child, so face it head on. gather the courage and disclose it to your husband, OWN it and take responsibility, don't blame shift and show him how regretful and remorseful you are. This will give you a chance to salvage your marriage and there is a possibility that you will have a better marriage than you have now.
Never believe in your ability to hide it for ever, because truth is like sun clouds cannot hide it for long it will come out one day may be from your own mouth when your guilt eat you up, from vengeful OM, or co workers who suspect (don't be the cat who thinks if he drink the milk eyes shut no one will see that, many may have already noticed your changes and dynamics, your husband may already started suspecting and may be waiting for proof, he may get the proof he was waiting in the form of a message from OM.
Dont think that Om is very caring because he take you to a near by place or buy you something your husband wont, he is doing this to get a free ride with a married women without much effort and expenses, you ask for something expensive than the charge he have to pay for a prostitute he will decline it or find some excuses.
You never faced your problems in your marriage in the way it should be, it took you to this stage, now is your last chance to do it right and face it honestly. dont live your life on lies.
However when you marry and take vows to forsake all others and to stay in sickness and in health, it takes maturity to realize that the newness of sex will wear off and the common day to day struggles of daily life will take away the adrenaline rush of a new romance.
Marriages take work. People who cheat do not understand that and are not willing to do the work to keep the marriage healthy.
If you were so unhappy, counseling should have been your first choice and if that did not fix thing, than a divorce is so much better than betraying your spouse by sneaking around behind his back.
OP, your husband has the right to know. You have no rights cheating on him while married. YOU broke your marriage vows, not him. There is nothing in this world to justify your actions. Woman up to them and tell your husband. Yes, he may leave, but YOU chose this path. He may stay too.
Telling him will initially upset him, but it may also relieve him too, as he may already suspect you are involved with someone.
It MAY reignite his passion for you too.
Question: Who is the OM?Co-worker, neighbor, friend from the gym. Did you confide your marital woes to this man? If so, you are betraying your spouse right there. The other man probably saw that as a green light to move in on you.
Nope, she clarified that if you read all the related posts.
She clarified it after I pointed out the inconsistency in her claim.
She said 35 in the last 6 years. That 35 times could had been in the first year of having sex. That's would be consistent with her claim of having sex 8 times a day before marriage.
We know she had sex. The 18 month old baby support that fact. The fact she claimed no sex for 5 years showed the "facts" she's providing is somewhat tainted and inaccurate.
Just reread your first post and sent you a PM because your situation is similar to mine except I'm the husband (and sex is not a problem with me) . You seem very naive and very much in the 'fog'. Your post echoes many of the complaints that WW's make about their BH's to justify their affairs.
Most (about 90%) of men really don't like shopping at malls, not like women do, unless they're gay. If your AP does, this will probably wear off as you know each other better.
Movies, out to dinner, I wish I could take my wife out more-- just the two of us. But with the kids and lack of babysitting and both of us working, there's no way. Maybe this is the case with you. Maybe that would be your husbands POV also if you asked him.
819Likes
Re: I cheated on my husband of 6 years 
