Elle, when he begin depriving me of sex, I lost my self esteem, I even wrote a letter to him, telling him how I feel. He totally disregard that. I got my self esteem back when I start working again, I got a lot of offers and compliments at my work place and I rejects all of them (except the OM), I am not justifying my action, but I believe that everything, all of this happens for a reason.
Sometimes, I secretly wish he is cheating on me. I just need a reason why he refuse to have sex with me.
I think, I will go with your advice. I'll talk to him tonight about our problems. Telling him about the affairs will just make the situation worst for us.
When did he start withholding sex? How long had you been married when that started?
Also, you have to tell him you cheated on him. If he decides he wants sex tonight, how can you put him off? And, if you put him off, he will wonder why. You would have to put him off for fear of possibly passing on an STD. And before you say the OM is clean...you only have his word... the word of a man who would have sex with another man's wife. You need to get tested, and come clean to your husband. And, follow your husband's lead on this. But regardless, you need to tell him of the affair. He deserves to know the truth.
Elle, when he begin depriving me of sex, I lost my self esteem, I even wrote a letter to him, telling him how I feel. He totally disregard that. I got my self esteem back when I start working again, I got a lot of offers and compliments at my work place and I rejects all of them (except the OM), I am not justifying my action, but I believe that everything, all of this happens for a reason.
I know exactly how being rejected like this makes you feel. I have been married twice and both of my husbands did this to me. That’s why I know it’s sever emotional abuse.
In March of this year I divorced my second husband. His refusal to have sex is part of the reason I divorced him. I am still trying to find a way to get my self-esteem back. I have not figured that out yet. I’m in a very bad place and don’t know if I will ever come out of it.
So you told him once in a very clear manner and he ignored it. You need to tell him one more time… telling him that either it’s addressed or you want a divorce.
Do not tell him about your affair until after he responds to whether or not he wants to fix the marriage. If he just wants a divorce you have no reason to tell him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornbetweenthetwo
Sometimes, I secretly wish he is cheating on me. I just need a reason why he refuse to have sex with me.
I think, I will go with your advice. I'll talk to him tonight about our problems. Telling him about the affairs will just make the situation worst for us.
Find out where you stand with him first.
The reason he does not have sex with you is because it’s a way to control and hurt you. He’s angry and resentful and it’s taking it out on you. It’s the same reason that he will not take you out on dates.
He could be angry at you. It could be work pressure. It could be a combination. Or it could be a girlfriend.
I know what you mean about almost wishing that he was cheating. Before filing for divorce I gathered enough information to know that my husband was cheating , again. It made divorcing him a lot easier.
How much effort does you husband put into helping with your daughter. HOw much time does he spend with her a week?
My husband is a wonderful father, he spends his days off bringing my daughter to places and playing with her. He's a good father to her.
I'm sure that even if we divorce, he will continue to be a good father to our daughter.
I believe that me not wanting to leave my husband stems from the love I have for my daughter. I can't see any man raising my daughter other than my husband. However, I slowly find myself not attracted to my him due to lack of intimacy. (I know it sounded like I am justifying my affair) I hope that I can bring back the man who I used to date 7 years ago, he was fun, the sex was great (I dont have to beg for it) and the sweetest guy I ever know. Now, I just don't know him and myself anymore.
Every advice and input everyone has given me, whether it's harsh, or not is appreciated. This ordeal will surely stay with me the rest of my life, I just don't know the impact of what i did to my family. I could only hope for the best.
I struggle at first, I don’t have any friends or family (He’s all I have for protection) and I was unemployed for a year, so thankfully, he makes a good living for both of us. He gave me everything I needed, a car, a home, clothes; I don’t even have to work. 6 years later, our life is made, we both have a good job, suburban home, a wonderful daughter, our family is what everyone sees from the outside as “perfect”.
She states that her marriage appears perfect from the OUTSIDE.’
It is clearly not perfect from the inside. If he has been withholding sex.. for a long time. She says that he turns her down all the time. That they have had sex only about 35 times in 6 years. That’s less than once every two months. And this is his choice, not hers.
A marriage that superficially appears good can still be an abusive marriage.
When did he start withholding sex? How long had you been married when that started?
Also, you have to tell him you cheated on him. If he decides he wants sex tonight, how can you put him off? And, if you put him off, he will wonder why. You would have to put him off for fear of possibly passing on an STD. And before you say the OM is clean...you only have his word... the word of a man who would have sex with another man's wife. You need to get tested, and come clean to your husband. And, follow your husband's lead on this. But regardless, you need to tell him of the affair. He deserves to know the truth.
He stop having sex with me during first year of our marriage. He tells me he's tired from work, headache, stressed, etc etc.
My relationship with the OM is mostly emotional affairs, we have had protected (condom) sex two times. The last time was when I told him that we both need to stop this craziness because I am married, he pled for me to divorce my husband.
OP, your lover is a player(pick up artists) that traps women in unhappy marriages. You were a vulnerable and a weak target.
You are putting you and your family at risk by having sex with a guy who you don't know completely about. You will destroy your husband by having an affair. You are denying your daughter a happy family by choosing to have an affair.
Your lover is not a long time acquaintance, so you don't know him enough. Women in affairs cannot report when they are raped because of the secret nature of the affair. There are a few of that sort in this forum.
You are putting your husband at risk for STDs. Get tested immediately.(condoms aren't 100%)
Get into marriage counselling immediately. Threaten divorce if you have to.
You cheated and betrayed the person that trusted you the most. You stabbed him in the back when he isn't looking. There is still a chance that you can fix this. It is your choice now
Once again, with the amount of dopamine flowing through her brain even if her husband was an attractive, enjoyable, fun, and a millionaire she'll still find something wrong with him and go to another man.
While this is true in affairs, it is also true that over time it becomes hard for anyone to find their spouse attractive when their spouse shows affection, refuses sex for 6 years and continues do this.
To keep the emotional bond in marriage a good sex life and non-sexual emotional connection is needed. According to the OP, he ended that 6 years ago. Why would she find her husband attractive when he's being emotinally abusive?
I am so clouded with confusion, stressed, sadness, fears, you name it. I am all of it right now. I been married for 6 years, we have a 2 years old daughter who is so vibrant and smart little girl. And here I am I cheated. I don’t know what led me to do what I did, but I did it, I am guilty. My husband and I have been having marital problems, for years now, still trying to find myself. I am in my late 20’s and he’s in his late 30’s, could it be the age gap? I don’t know. I understand that some of you will judge me for what I did, but I honestly don’t know why I did what I did. I love my husband and my daughter but the sparks in my marriage is gone. Here’s the history of my marriage and how it all started. I met my husband overseas 2 years prior to our marriage, the sex was great, the chemistry is through the roof and we decide we were made for each other, so I came over to the US, marry the love of my life and start a new life to a foreign land. I struggle at first, I don’t have any friends or family (He’s all I have for protection) and I was unemployed for a year, so thankfully, he makes a good living for both of us. He gave me everything I needed, a car, a home, clothes; I don’t even have to work. 6 years later, our life is made, we both have a good job, suburban home, a wonderful daughter, our family is what everyone sees from the outside as “perfect”. As my career advancer, my job requires a lot of my time, so I spend less and less time at home. My husband is the same as well. We never have time for each other, and when we do, we talk about cleaning our house, our daughter’s schedule, bills, cleaning. We never went out for dinner with just the two of us. He likes to do things I find boring and I like to go places he does not like Ex: mall, bars, movie, dinner. We are just very different people, and I’m still struggling to understand how I did not see that when we were dating. Our sex is nonexistence as well. I always have to be the one initiating. This year (2012) we have had sex 5 times and I ask him what is wrong with him, he could not give me a straight up answer. And No, he’s not impotent. I met the OM in April of 2012, he is the total opposite of my husband. He does everything for me that my husband refuses to do, romantic dinner, movies, ex long conversation, we connect on every level. He’s in his late 20’s so that could be the reason why we have a lot in common. I realize how much I am liking the OM so I ended it with him and it hurts so bad, so I contact him again to meet, it has become an on and off relationship due to my indecisiveness. I can’t leave my husband and I feel so guilty that I am doing all of this behind my family’s back. I think the OM got tired of my indecisiveness so we stop communicating all together (Last time I saw him was this week). I miss him so much and I feel so bad to feel what I feel. I cry and cry and I don’t know what to do. I still haven’t had the guts to tell my husband the truth and I don’t know if I ever will. Right now, I can’t eat, I’m stressed, and I feel a gut wrenching sadness. I look at my daughter and I start crying because I feel like I am stuck in marriage I don’t want to be in. I love my husband but I am not in love with him anymore. I don’t know what do. I hope I will find the light, the answer or whatever it is I am looking for.
If you are unhappy in the marriage then consider marriage counseling. Given that 100% try. Jumping into another relationship only makes it worst right now. Don't expect grass to be greener on the other side. This OM might be giving you what you want but he does not live with you and face the day to day struggles. It "could" be just a fantasy. Counseling and perhaps seeing a psychologist might help you sort out these feelings so you can make a realistic decision.
He stop having sex with me during first year of our marriage. He tells me he's tired from work, headache, stressed, etc etc.
My relationship with the OM is mostly emotional affairs, we have had protected (condom) sex two times. The last time was when I told him that we both need to stop this craziness because I am married, he pled for me to divorce my husband.
Your husband has had 6 years to deal with being tired, headaches, stress and etc. He's refused to do that so you are left with a man who does not think your marriage is the single most important thing in his life. Any excuse will do to not be intimate with you.
She states that her marriage appears perfect from the OUTSIDE.’
It is clearly not perfect from the inside. If he has been withholding sex.. for a long time. She says that he turns her down all the time. That they have had sex only about 35 times in 6 years. That’s less than once every two months. And this is his choice, not hers.
A marriage that superficially appears good can still be an abusive marriage.
35 times in 6 years, I wonder if she actually kept a record of it or is still in the fog to justify her deeds. Posted via Mobile Device
While this is true in affairs, it is also true that over time it becomes hard for anyone to find their spouse attractive when their spouse shows affection, refuses sex for 6 years and continues do this.
To keep the emotional bond in marriage a good sex life and non-sexual emotional connection is needed. According to the OP, he ended that 6 years ago. Why would she find her husband attractive when he's being emotinally abusive?
Riiight, because not having enough sex is automatically an emotional abuse therefore affair justified. Posted via Mobile Device
EleGirl, then I assume that there are lot of abusive women in the "Sex in Marriage" section of TAM and the men are allowed to cheat? Abusive is a very strong word to use. Don't throw it around very lightly.
She always had the option to go MC or to end the marriage.
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Re: I cheated on my husband of 6 years 
