Exactly. MC is pointless if you're going to leave out vital information or lie by omission. You can't break don't a wall you don't know exists.
However, as already mentioned the lack of intimacy could mean her H is also having an A. None of us knows for sure which is why cheating only complicates the issues in the M further.
But if the lack of intimacy sex went on for the entire marriage, perhaps there are other reasons.
OP, did you ever ask your H why he didn't want to have sex? Do you spend time together? How does he feel about the marriage?
Zanna, I hope I know why he wont have sex with me. I used to think it was because of his job (Homicide detective), he sees a lot of ugly things. So whenever he tells me his tired, headaches etc. I just stop and dont bother. Sometimes, I would tell him if we can do it, and he would tell me, "maybe" and then by the time we were in bed, he would say "he's tired", "not tonight" or whatever. I am tired of getting rejected. I also build up resentment because of it and at one point, I thought of divorcing him.
She is being dishonest withholding this vital information from him. MC will do no good if she lies about cheating.
From her posts, she told him about how she is hurt by his rejection long before she started the affair.
The affair had nothing to do with his refusal to get MC.
Of course MC will do no good now, after the affair unless she tells him about the affair.
But if he is not interested in intimacy with her without knowing of the affair, she very well might not want to coninue the marriage. She does have that choice that she can make. And she needs to decide that.
Zanna, I hope I know why he wont have sex with me. I used to think it was because of his job (Homicide detective), he sees a lot of ugly things. So whenever he tells me his tired, headaches etc. I just stop and dont bother. Sometimes, I would tell him if we can do it, and he would tell me, "maybe" and then by the time we were in bed, he would say "he's tired", "not tonight" or whatever. I am tired of getting rejected. I also build up resentment because of it and at one point, I thought of divorcing him.
I understand and it sounds like it's a huge issue in your marriage and I absolutely agree it needs to be dealt with...
However, when you add cheating to the mix, the problem is no longer the lack of sex.
It's like painting your kitchen when your foundation is cracking.
Your decision to cheat is your own. He owns his part in the marital breakdown but you have to own yours, and it's usually not so black and white.
There must be some reason you are still married to this man. Is he entirely horrible? Why would he say he doesn't want sex? As someone else mentioned, has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he affectionate? Does he otherwise treat you well? Lack of sex is caused by a variety of different issues/reasons and not everything points to him purposely being emotionally abusive OR purposely destroying your self-esteem. You need to open up the lines of communication. Although, again at this point, you need to deal with the A first.
I don't know about that. People here seem to mostly believe that cheating is the worse thing that a spouse can do. From my experience I can get over cheating. I cannot get over abuse.
If the negligence and sexual w/holding that the OP describe are true, her husband is exptremely abusive emotionally.
I see them as equal. If he is like this, he emotionally left the marriag a long time ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cantthinkstraight
I would submit to you that cheating is another form of abuse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
Goodgrief, I guess some here have a real problem with reading comprehension.
I am not making excuses for cheating. The OP has no excuse for what she did.
There are two issues here, her cheating and her husband's withholding of any form of intimacy.
If she cannot live with what is essentially a sexless and companionless marraige then she needs to leave.
But she owes it to her marriage and her husband to find out if he is willing to work on the marriage. She stated that when she poured her heart out to him about how 6 years of a cold marriage has hurt her he did not care.
So yes he has abused her for years.
And now she has abused him with the affair.
Both have been abusive.
Be consistent Elegirl. Maybe you are too biased because of your personal situation?
So you have a LD and a HD partner. Is it still emotional abuse?
If the LD person makes it such that sex is only once very 2 months and the HD spouse wants it more often, yes it's abuse. Of course this is absent other issues, such as a medical issue that cannot be resolved.
There are things that the LD spouse can do to increase their sex drive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by warlock07
So you have a LD and a HD partner. Is it still emotional abuse?
If the LD person makes it such that sex is only once very 2 months and the HD spouse wants it more often, yes it's abuse. Of course this is absent other issues, such as a medical issue that cannot be resolved.
There are things that the LD spouse can do to increase their sex drive.
“Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse.
Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry.
It is crippling. It is emotionally painful. It indeed hurts. It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this. Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying. Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much. If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self. "
I understand and it sounds like it's a huge issue in your marriage and I absolutely agree it needs to be dealt with...
However, when you add cheating to the mix, the problem is no longer the lack of sex.
It's like painting your kitchen when your foundation is cracking.
Your decision to cheat is your own. He owns his part in the marital breakdown but you have to own yours, and it's usually not so black and white.
There must be some reason you are still married to this man. Is he entirely horrible? Why would he say he doesn't want sex? As someone else mentioned, has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he affectionate? Does he otherwise treat you well? Lack of sex is caused by a variety of different issues/reasons and not everything points to him purposely being emotionally abusive OR purposely destroying your self-esteem. You need to open up the lines of communication. Although, again at this point, you need to deal with the A first.
I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.
I find the crap I'm catching on this thread to be a bit mystifying because when I've told many men on here whose wife refuse sex to them for months on end that their wife is being emotionally abusive. And yet no one on those threads said it was wrong.
But now that i'm telling that to a woman it's wrong? I see.....
I go with what is presented until an OP's story starts to fall apart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aug
In the first post:
If he stop having sex with you 5 years ago, then it's impossible to have a 2 year old daughter.
Obviously we are only getting one side of the story. I'll bet the husband had a different view.
...like this you mean?
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
I do find this interesting though.. how she might be exaggerating, abusive or emasculating. And yet on threads where women explain that their husbands are being abusive, etc... the men here tell them that they still have to put out because it's their marital obligation.
You said you werent stupid so I'll presume you read augs post and see where the exaggeration on the OP comes into this ...but its funny how women will leave or cheat on men more often than men leave cheat on women for no sex...
And affairs ARE abusive (to both genders), and to men, emasculating, and if you dont believe me, ask any man here that's been cheated on.
So what? Men are not held to this same standard?
Nope. If your partner is abusive to you, very few people, man or woman would fail to empathize that you wouldnt want to have sex with your abuser.
No one is obligated to have sex with anyone. If you didnt want to have sex (with your partner) for a long term/permanent duration, for a reason unknown to your partner, the cause of you not wanting to have sex is the real problem, and THAT is what you are obligated to fix.
Quote:
Originally Posted by warlock07
You think infidelity isn't abuse? Infidelity is one of the most heinous thing to do in a marriage or to your partner, no doubt about that.
So much for affair apologists.
And please don't give arbitrary definitions for abuse. I agree with that there is emotional neglect but that is why people go to counseling, start communicating better or separate and divorce when it won't work out, not have affairs.
A woman comes here saying that she is in an affair and first thing you tell her is that she is in abusive marriage with the little details you get from her post? Like I said, abuse isn't a word you throw around lightly. You need more details than that.
I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.
Torn,
If you stay with your husband you have to tell him about the affair. If you do not, the lie will be a cancer between the two of you that will destroy anything you try to rebuild.
Just think of how you will feel if he started to give you all the emotional attention (to include sex) that you want and you had this dirty secret. You think you have guilt now? You will have so much more.
So if you do love him and want to try to fix your marriage, you have to tell him.
Right, withholding is very different from having no desire to have sex. The first case is abuse, the second case isn't. It can be many reasons(medical, psychological, self esteem). You right away implied that he was abusing her.
How do you know he is not impotent or having ED issues if you haven't had sex in that long??
Might also check testosterone levels sometimes as we age that lessens and medicine can help.
Whenever I tried to be intimate with him, I can feel he's privates. He would reject me all together even if his privates are ready for sex. So I know his not impotents, Impotents are incapable of getting it up, my husband can but wont do it.
Anonim, I suggest you read all my posts. I did not exagerrate lack of sex in my marriage, I also don't justify my cheating with my marital problems. I envy when people would tell me that their husband will "ONLY" have sex with them twice a week (a friend of mine complaining), I almost laugh, I couldn't tell her that my husband would only do it 5 times this year.
In the first post:
If he stop having sex with you 5 years ago, then it's impossible to have a 2 year old daughter .
Obviously we are only getting one side of the story. I'll bet the husband had a different view.
The OP did not say that her husband stopped having sex with her 5 years ago. She said that since they married 6 years ago they have only had sex about 35 times.. which is about every 2 months. That he will not initiate. She is the only one who initiates and he usually rejects her advances.
819Likes
Re: I cheated on my husband of 6 years 
