I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.
The alternative is much worse. You will be living a miserable life. And that is much worse than divorce. You cannot change the past. Many times infidelity is an eye opener even to the densest of spouses. He might change or he might not. You can always walk away if he won't.
Be consistent Elegirl. Maybe you are too biased because of your personal situation?
I am consistant.
I believe that there are many ways to damage a marriage. And that some are bad enough that they are close to equivalent to the damage done by cheating.
There has been thread after thread here where other, not me, have said that the spouse who withholds sex left the marriage at the time that they started to withhold sex.
He left the marriage 6 years ago.
She left it with her affair.
That is not justification of the affair. There are two people here who are hurting each other all over the place.
I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.
You will respond again. I will bet on it. That is the nature of the affair.
I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.
See this is what I was wondering about. You say your H is a good man so I'm not quite convinced that he is purposely and knowingly trying to harm you so you have to find out what is going on with him.
If you believe he is withholding, do you know for sure he is punishing you or could he have other issues? Have you spoken about this issue with him in depth? Has he seen his doctor?
I'm glad you decided to go NC with OM. That's a good start.
But you do need to tell you H about the affair. Read everything you can on the subject first. Consider speaking with a counsellor. Make sure you are prepared for his reaction.
I've been down this road myself. My H was convinced I was withholding sex from him. He accused me of it but he didn't listen to my issues with him or understand that he made me feel very unsafe and unloved. From my perspective, he was emotionally abusing me and from his, he truly believed I was purposely withholding sex to punish him. I was not, but we both believed our own perspective. The truth was that we were both not feeling heard, or loved or appreciated. Long story but I'm sure you get the picture. There are two sides to an issue and the truth is somewhere in the middle and when you throw infidelity in the mix, well I believe the A also causes the WS to exaggerate their spouses shortcomings and rewrite marital history, to a certain extent. I'm just urging you to look closer at both sides. I would suggest MC as well but I still maintain you can't go to MC without laying all your cards on the table. In your case, that means the A.
Tell your husband. He has the right to know that he has been living in a open marriage. Asking him to change or to go to MC without knowing the truth of that you've been doing - is cowardly and selfish.
You say the OM bought you nice things that your husband won't or can't. - Do you suppose it's because your husband is supporting a family of 3 - with food, house, cars, medical etc.
Mean while, the OM only has to pay for his little appartment and the dinners and booze it takes to get you to into his bed?
Anonim, I suggest you read all my posts. I did not exagerrate lack of sex in my marriage, I also don't justify my cheating with my marital problems. I envy when people would tell me that their husband will "ONLY" have sex with them twice a week (a friend of mine complaining), I almost laugh, I couldn't tell her that my husband would only do it 5 times this year.
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonim
You said you werent stupid so I'll presume you read augs post and see where the exaggeration on the OP comes into this
Well I guess augs had it wrong now didn't he? She never said what he claimed.
What if the kid is not his and it's from another OM? Posted via Mobile Device
The affair start this year (April 2012) I ended it last Thursday. I never had any affair before April of 2012 and I was never intimate with anyone other than my husband when we had our daughter.
The alternative is much worse. You will be living a miserable life. And that is much worse than divorce. You cannot change the past. Many times infidelity is an eye opener even to the densest of spouses. He might change or he might not. You can always walk away if he won't.
What country are you actually from?
I'm from spain, my mom is malaysian, my dad is spanish.
I believe that there are many ways to damage a marriage. And that some are bad enough that they are close to equivalent to the damage done by cheating.
There has been thread after thread here where other, not me, have said that the spouse who withholds sex left the marriage at the time that they started to withhold sex.
He left the marriage 6 years ago.
She left it with her affair.
That is not justification of the affair. There are two people here who are hurting each other all over the place.
I hate to say this but you are heavily projecting your own resentment into the OP's situation. You must have said that he was abusing her 10 times before you mentioned she was abusing him with her own affair. You even asked her if she thinks he is cheating in your initial posts.
And you totally decided the dynamic of their 6 year marriage and her H intentions from a few posts from the OP, who herself is heavily in the affair.
I made this post earlier
Quote:
Right, withholding is very different from having no desire to have sex. The first case is abuse, the second case isn't. It can be many reasons(medical, psychological, self esteem). You right away implied that he was abusing her.
OP is not a doctor. She cannot diagnose what the OP's problem is all by herself.
See this is what I was wondering about. You say your H is a good man so I'm not quite convinced that he is purposely and knowingly trying to harm you so you have to find out what is going on with him.
If you believe he is withholding, do you know for sure he is punishing you or could he have other issues? Have you spoken about this issue with him in depth? Has he seen his doctor?
I'm glad you decided to go NC with OM. That's a good start.
But you do need to tell you H about the affair. Read everything you can on the subject first. Consider speaking with a counsellor. Make sure you are prepared for his reaction.
I've been down this road myself. My H was convinced I was withholding sex from him. He accused me of it but he didn't listen to my issues with him or understand that he made me feel very unsafe and unloved. From my perspective, he was emotionally abusing me and from his, he truly believed I was purposely withholding sex to punish him. I was not, but we both believed our own perspective. The truth was that we were both not feeling heard, or loved or appreciated. Long story but I'm sure you get the picture. There are two sides to an issue and the truth is somewhere in the middle and when you throw infidelity in the mix, well I believe the A also causes the WS to exaggerate their spouses shortcomings and rewrite marital history, to a certain extent. I'm just urging you to look closer at both sides. I would suggest MC as well but I still maintain you can't go to MC without laying all your cards on the table. In your case, that means the A.
Zanna, I don't know if it's a good idea to tell him about the affair infront of MC? Should I tell him about the affair before MC or should I bring him to MC and tell him everything there? I am not sure what to do. I want to be as gentle about it as possible and tell him everything.
...but its funny how women will leave or cheat on men more often than men leave cheat on women for no sex...
Please provide us a link to the authoritative study that proves this statement of yours. What a load of nonsense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonim
And affairs ARE abusive (to both genders), and to men, emasculating, and if you dont believe me, ask any man here that's been cheated on.
I have stated over and over again that affairs are abusive. Do you want to believe what I say or beat me about the head on shoulders about this and ignore my agreement on the topic?
Yes affairs are emasculating to men. And they are the equivalent to women who are cheated on. Men do not have a patent on the hurt that affairs cause.
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonim
Nope. If your partner is abusive to you, very few people, man or woman would fail to empathize that you wouldnt want to have sex with your abuser.
Keep reading here on these forum…
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonim
No one is obligated to have sex with anyone. If you didnt want to have sex (with your partner) for a long term/permanent duration, for a reason unknown to your partner, the cause of you not wanting to have sex is the real problem, and THAT is what you are obligated to fix.
And what if it is your spouse who refuses to have sex? And it’s your spouse who will not tell why or work on it? Then you have no control over this.
The only choice you have is to continue to be rejected or divorce. That’s it. And at this point the ending of the marriage is the fault of the spouse who withheld affection, time together and sex.
That is the point at which the OP found herself before the affair. She says that her husband refused to discuss or address the issue of no sex and no time together. So her choice is to live with it or leave. Unfortunately she chose to have an affair, a very very bad decision on her part. Now it’s her husband who will decide if he marriage is over or they reconcile... .unless she decides to walk first. As she talks here, it sounds like the OP still wants her marriage. This is an important decision for her to make before telling her husband about the affair.
I hate to say this but you are heavily projecting your own resentment into the OP's situation. You must have said that he was abusing her 10 times before you mentioned she was abusing him with her own affair. You even asked her if she thinks he is cheating in your initial posts.
And you totally decided the dynamic of their 6 year marriage and her H intentions from a few posts from the OP, who herself is heavily in the affair.
I made this post earlier
OP is not a doctor. She cannot diagnose what the OP's problem is all by herself.
Warlock, I at first suspect he was cheating, I used to check his cellphone without his knowledge, read his emails and so forth. I vigilanty tried to find a reason for his lack of sex with me. I wrote a letter (back to back) before the cheating occur, about how I feel, the lack of sex and how much I am hurt by it and he disregard the letter and my cry for his attention. I guess I will find out everything once we go to MC.
The OP did not say that her husband stopped having sex with her 5 years ago. She said that since they married 6 years ago they have only had sex about 35 times.. which is about every 2 months. That he will not initiate. She is the only one who initiates and he usually rejects her advances.
Yes she did. I quoted it.
Anyways, she further clarified her claim in another post.
OP is not a doctor. She cannot diagnose what the OP's problem is all by herself.
And after 6 years of him having a problem he has not got to a doctor for help, has not seen a counselor, and from what the op said he has outright ignored her when he has tried to talk to him about it. She stated that she wrote him a letter telling him how badly she hurt from his rejection and he ignored the letter.
Yes there might be issues with him. But he has apparently not been open with her or sought a solution for 6 years. He'd apparently rather have her hurt then deal with it.
As for the affair comment.. I think it's reasonable to think that a healthy man who still can function sexually might be getting sex else where when he gets it only once every 2 months at home.
I'm not saying that he is cheating, but it's one consideration.
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Re: I cheated on my husband of 6 years 
