Warlock, I at first suspect he was cheating, I used to check his cellphone without his knowledge, read his emails and so forth. I vigilanty tried to find a reason for his lack of sex with me. I wrote a letter (back to back) before the cheating occur, about how I feel, the lack of sex and how much I am hurt by it and he disregard the letter and my cry for his attention. I guess I will find out everything once we go to MC.
You did say in another post that he is a homicide detective. That type of a job could be extremely depressing, I would think, and could be a strong contributing factor to his disinterest.
Anyways, tell or dont tell, you have a very difficult choice ahead of you. Either way you are forever changed.
Zanna, I don't know if it's a good idea to tell him about the affair infront of MC? Should I tell him about the affair before MC or should I bring him to MC and tell him everything there? I am not sure what to do. I want to be as gentle about it as possible and tell him everything.
Oh, I'm not suggesting you ambush him in MC. I just think you shouldn't bother with MC UNTIL after you tell him about the A.
BUT before you tell him about the A, you need a plan on how you are going to talk to him about your justifications. You must assure him that your A was the WRONG choice. Later, he will want to know why you had an A and you can tell him why you made the wrong choice but you must still own that choice. You justified the A by your claim that he was withholding sex but that was not a reason to cheat. That was the excuse you used. You have to make that clear. That doesn't mean you can't deal with the issue of sex in your marriage but you have to own your poor way of solving this problem. There were better ways to solve this problem as already mentioned so you have to explain to him that is what you should have done - counselling, books, given him a choice of separating if the issue was not dealt with, etc.
Pick up a few books on infidelity too. I'd read as much as you can first, and whatever you do, do not contact OM or respond to his texts, calls, emails, smoke signals, whatever. Do you have a close friend that can support you through this?
Oh, and when you tell your H, make sure your daughter is with a friend or relative.
Tell your husband. He has the right to know that he has been living in a open marriage. Asking him to change or to go to MC without knowing the truth of that you've been doing - is cowardly and selfish.
You say the OM bought you nice things that your husband won't or can't. - Do you suppose it's because your husband is supporting a family of 3 - with food, house, cars, medical etc.
Mean while, the OM only has to pay for his little appartment and the dinners and booze it takes to get you to into his bed?
Shaggy, I am a coward and selfish. I want to tell him so bad whats going on, and I am so afraid to see his reaction. I am also very selfish for cheating, I enjoyed the moment I had with OM, but now I ended it with him, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen in my marriage. I understand what all of you are saying, that I should tell my husband. It is very easy to suggest, but it's the hardest thing one ever have to do. I am having a hard time opening my mouth and tell him the truth, I just cant find the words. I did say I would tell him, but right now, my mind is in clouds. I am weighing the situation. Maybe I should give it sometime, talk to him about us and see how I can insert that "affair" thingy.
As for the affair comment.. I think it's reasonable to think that a healthy man who still can function sexually might be getting sex else where when he gets it only once every 2 months at home.
I'm not saying that he is cheating, but it's one consideration.
Funny that you mentioned that. We were watching a show one day about something and the sex was brought up. I said something about "Who can live without sex", his response was " I can". I don't know what to make of it.
Shaggy, I am a coward and selfish. I want to tell him so bad whats going on, and I am so afraid to see his reaction. I am also very selfish for cheating, I enjoyed the moment I had with OM, but now I ended it with him, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen in my marriage. I understand what all of you are saying, that I should tell my husband. It is very easy to suggest, but it's the hardest thing one ever have to do. I am having a hard time opening my mouth and tell him the truth, I just cant find the words. I did say I would tell him, but right now, my mind is in clouds. I am weighing the situation. Maybe I should give it sometime, talk to him about us and see how I can insert that "affair" thingy.
No, of course it's not going to be easy. Doing the right thing is seldom easy. We understand that. Some of us all too well.
You see, my H was in your position. He agonized over whether to tell me about his A. It was killing him so he started reading books on infidelity. He went to counselling. He tried many times to tell me because he knew he could not stay in the M without telling me but he was afraid of losing me. I get that and I'm sure in time, your H will get that too. In my H's case, a crazy OW forced his hand because she thought him choosing his M was unfair to her. However, now he regrets not telling me sooner because he said if he had, we'd be that much further along in our healing. His justification for cheating was also lack of sex and feeling rejected BUT he never once blamed me for the A. Even on D-day, he acknowledged that his excuse was merely an excuse, it was wrong, I did not deserve it and that he regretted it horribly. I always said an A was a dealbreaker and we are still early on so perhaps it is, BUT it was the way he handled himself after that made me consider reconciliation.
You made your choices and you have to live with those choices. You can't control your H's decisions but you can make sure you give him every reason to give you a second chance.
Anyways, she further clarified her claim in another post.
I just went through all the pages of this thread to double check.
Yes she did say that he stopped having sex with her during the first year of the marriage. She later clarified that he does not initiate sex.. she has to beg for it. And they only have it about once every 2 months or about 35 times in 6 years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornbetweenthetwo
This year (2012) we have had sex 5 times and I ask him what is wrong with him, he could not give me a straight up answer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornbetweenthetwo
He stop having sex with me during first year of our marriage. He tells me he's tired from work, headache, stressed, etc etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornbetweenthetwo
Our sex life is non-existence. During the 6 years of marriage I can count our sex encounter (35 times more or less). I am only 28 years old, and he's depriving with something we need to keep our marriage strong. There is nothing wrong with him, he never had any surgery and he is not impotent, although sometimes I wish he is, that way my feelings aren't always hurt whenever he REJECT me in bed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornbetweenthetwo
Aug, he will only have sex with me if I initiate and beg him for it. he never once initiate the sex. and we have our daughter because we planned it, we had ONE sex the night of March 8 and then April 14 by May 26 we found out I was pregnant.
Shaggy, I am a coward and selfish. I want to tell him so bad whats going on, and I am so afraid to see his reaction. I am also very selfish for cheating, I enjoyed the moment I had with OM, but now I ended it with him, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen in my marriage. I understand what all of you are saying, that I should tell my husband. It is very easy to suggest, but it's the hardest thing one ever have to do. I am having a hard time opening my mouth and tell him the truth, I just cant find the words. I did say I would tell him, but right now, my mind is in clouds. I am weighing the situation. Maybe I should give it sometime, talk to him about us and see how I can insert that "affair" thingy.
I highly suggest you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will help both of you.
Funny that you mentioned that. We were watching a show one day about something and the sex was brought up. I said something about "Who can live without sex", his response was " I can". I don't know what to make of it.
Shaggy, I am a coward and selfish. I want to tell him so bad whats going on, and I am so afraid to see his reaction. I am also very selfish for cheating, I enjoyed the moment I had with OM, but now I ended it with him, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen in my marriage. I understand what all of you are saying, that I should tell my husband. It is very easy to suggest, but it's the hardest thing one ever have to do. I am having a hard time opening my mouth and tell him the truth, I just cant find the words. I did say I would tell him, but right now, my mind is in clouds. I am weighing the situation. Maybe I should give it sometime, talk to him about us and see how I can insert that "affair" thingy.
Your marriage is already done for , dead. There is nothing to save except the good memories along with the bad ones. You will have to rebuild from the scratch
Attitude towards sex at your home? Malaysians are very conservative right?
I was raised in Spain by my malaysian mother. But the sex should not have anything to do by my culture. I am, like everyone else wants to experience a mind blowing sex from my husband for at least more than he is giving me right now, I also wish he would start initiating it than having to have me beg for something I shouldn't have.
You said attitude towards sex? My husband is American, he was born and raise here in the US by his parents who was also born here. (His great great grand parents were german and irish immigrants)
Funny that you mentioned that. We were watching a show one day about something and the sex was brought up. I said something about "Who can live without sex", his response was " I can". I don't know what to make of it.
What about your sex life before the marriage? Did you have one? How was he then?
It often happens that women like and respect a guy because he is not sex obsessed while dating and then complain about his low drive after the marriage.
What about your sex life before the marriage? Did you have one? How was he then?
It often happens that women like and respect a guy because he is not sex obsessed while dating and then complain about his low drive after the marriage.
Before the marriage: We would have sex 8 times a day, and almost every day, I would be the one giving up because it was too much. The very first day of our marriage thats when he stops initiating sex.
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Re: I cheated on my husband of 6 years 
