I am so clouded with confusion, stressed, sadness, fears, you name it. I am all of it right now. I been married for 6 years, we have a 2 years old daughter who is so vibrant and smart little girl. And here I am I cheated. I don’t know what led me to do what I did, but I did it, I am guilty. My husband and I have been having marital problems, for years now, still trying to find myself. I am in my late 20’s and he’s in his late 30’s, could it be the age gap? I don’t know. I understand that some of you will judge me for what I did, but I honestly don’t know why I did what I did. I love my husband and my daughter but the sparks in my marriage is gone. Here’s the history of my marriage and how it all started. I met my husband overseas 2 years prior to our marriage, the sex was great, the chemistry is through the roof and we decide we were made for each other, so I came over to the US, marry the love of my life and start a new life to a foreign land. I struggle at first, I don’t have any friends or family (He’s all I have for protection) and I was unemployed for a year, so thankfully, he makes a good living for both of us. He gave me everything I needed, a car, a home, clothes; I don’t even have to work. 6 years later, our life is made, we both have a good job, suburban home, a wonderful daughter, our family is what everyone sees from the outside as “perfect”. As my career advancer, my job requires a lot of my time, so I spend less and less time at home. My husband is the same as well. We never have time for each other, and when we do, we talk about cleaning our house, our daughter’s schedule, bills, cleaning. We never went out for dinner with just the two of us. He likes to do things I find boring and I like to go places he does not like Ex: mall, bars, movie, dinner. We are just very different people, and I’m still struggling to understand how I did not see that when we were dating. Our sex is nonexistence as well. I always have to be the one initiating. This year (2012) we have had sex 5 times and I ask him what is wrong with him, he could not give me a straight up answer. And No, he’s not impotent. I met the OM in April of 2012, he is the total opposite of my husband. He does everything for me that my husband refuses to do, romantic dinner, movies, ex long conversation, we connect on every level. He’s in his late 20’s so that could be the reason why we have a lot in common. I realize how much I am liking the OM so I ended it with him and it hurts so bad, so I contact him again to meet, it has become an on and off relationship due to my indecisiveness. I can’t leave my husband and I feel so guilty that I am doing all of this behind my family’s back. I think the OM got tired of my indecisiveness so we stop communicating all together (Last time I saw him was this week). I miss him so much and I feel so bad to feel what I feel. I cry and cry and I don’t know what to do. I still haven’t had the guts to tell my husband the truth and I don’t know if I ever will. Right now, I can’t eat, I’m stressed, and I feel a gut wrenching sadness. I look at my daughter and I start crying because I feel like I am stuck in marriage I don’t want to be in. I love my husband but I am not in love with him anymore. I don’t know what do. I hope I will find the light, the answer or whatever it is I am looking for.
Tell your husband the truth, ASAP. There are no excuses for your actions. By not telling him, you are living in a lie day after day. He deserves the truth.
If your relationship was weak and you were unhappy, it was up to you to communicate to your husband how you were feeling. You chose not to. He is not to blame whatsoever what you did. Please be honest with him. Tell him 100% the truth.
I did not have sex with my husband for a very long time after my spinal fusion. He did not seek elsewhere to meet this important need. Instead he waited for me very patiently. He never complained or shown disappointment in me since my forever neck injury.
Please tell him. He deserves to know. Not telling him will not fix your marriage and your problems will just get worse if you both don't fix them. Good luck.
Torn,welcome to TAM and I really hope you get some good advice here,but prepare yourself for some harshness as well.I think your confusion is from the fog of the affair.It's apparent it's warring with your basic values or you wouldn't be reaching out for help and to me that is a step in the right direction.What I'm curious about right now is why you think you can't leave your husband?
Thanks for your honesty. I don't have the courage to tell my husband that I cheated. I am so lost right now. I ask him today, ihe could take me out to dinner, or watch movies with me this week, he's typical replies "Well see, we just have so many things to do in our home". I don't know how to tell him that our marriage is in trouble. I'm sure he would want a divorce if he finds out and I dont know if I am ready for that.
Torn,welcome to TAM and I really hope you get some good advice here,but prepare yourself for some harshness as well.I think your confusion is from the fog of the affair.It's apparent it's warring with your basic values or you wouldn't be reaching out for help and to me that is a step in the right direction.What I'm curious about right now is why you think you can't leave your husband?
I appreciate your input. I am looking for answers, anything I can get. Right now, I dont have anyone to tell how I really feel inside, its killing me. If we divorce, I'm afraid that he will end up getting custody of my daughter because it was me who cheated. I stop talking to the OM but I dont know what will happen if he insist on seeing me again.
Your unhappiness does not give you the right to string your husband along or steal his choices.
You are living an unauthentic life and you are forcing your husband to do the same. This is not fair.
Your H did not get a choice in your decision to cheat. Since you cannot do the right thing and end your affair, then you need to tell your H the truth so he can make decisions about his own life. You cannot be trusted to make mature or rational decisions in the midst of an affair.
Read the studies on affairs. This so called relationship you have with OM is doomed. It is built on a foundation of lies and deceit. It is born of ugliness and betrayal. That is not love. It is a band-aid for your problems.
If you are in an unhappy marriage, you talk to your spouse, you seek counselling and if that fails, you seek a separation or a divorce.
Cheating is not a solution that will have a positive outcome for anyone involved.
I did not have sex with my husband for a very long time after my spinal fusion. He did not seek elsewhere to meet this important need. Instead he waited for me very patiently. He never complained or shown disappointment in me since my forever neck injury.
Our sex life is non-existence. During the 6 years of marriage I can count our sex encounter (35 times more or less). I am only 28 years old, and he's depriving with something we need to keep our marriage strong. There is nothing wrong with him, he never had any surgery and he is not impotent, although sometimes I wish he is, that way my feelings aren't always hurt whenever he REJECT me in bed.
Your unhappiness does not give you the right to string your husband along or steal his choices.
You are living an unauthentic life and you are forcing your husband to do the same. This is not fair.
Your H did not get a choice in your decision to cheat. Since you cannot do the right thing and end your affair, then you need to tell your H the truth so he can make decisions about his own life. You cannot be trusted to make mature or rational decisions in the midst of an affair.
Read the studies on affairs. This so called relationship you have with OM is doomed. It is built on a foundation of lies and deceit. It is born of ugliness and betrayal. That is not love. It is a band-aid for your problems.
If you are in an unhappy marriage, you talk to your spouse, you seek counselling and if that fails, you seek a separation or a divorce.
Cheating is not a solution that will have a positive outcome for anyone involved.
Zanna, you're right about the relationship with OM. Whenever I'm with him, I always feel guilty, and worried of getting caught. I also feel that he is starting to feel frustrated in our situation, thats why I ended it. I at first, thought that maybe it was "love" I have for this OM, however, I still can't wrap around the idea of loving two of them at the same time. I know thats not possible. I am eating my own cake, I know and I have the best of both worlds with the two of them in my life. But I also know, that Grass is not always greener on the other fence so I made the decision to stay with my husband. Tomorrow, I will talk to him and tell him the truth. He will probably divorce or he might not. I don't know.
Thanks for your honesty. I don't have the courage to tell my husband that I cheated. I am so lost right now. I ask him today, ihe could take me out to dinner, or watch movies with me this week, he's typical replies "Well see, we just have so many things to do in our home". I don't know how to tell him that our marriage is in trouble. I'm sure he would want a divorce if he finds out and I dont know if I am ready for that.
Here's the rub. Your husband already knows. He's been married to you for 6 years. He knows when something is different about you. If something feels "off" about the marriage. He may not know EXACTLY what's happening. But, he knows something is up. It wouldn't surprise me if he's already started looking into things.
Being a wife and mom is tough and even lonely sometimes. Being a working wife and mom can be even harder since you have to fill so many rolls. But then again your husband has to as well with his career.
It does not matter that the two of you like different things. If the two of you really looked at it, you could find some things that you like and can do together. For example take golf lessons together and start playing every weekend; or dance classes; or scuba classes. Doing a joint activity where the two of you learn something together is one of the best ways to bond.
Your affair is hurting you, your husband and especially your child. And of course it’s hurting the OM’s wife and even him.
The affair is “fantasy land”. It’s not rad. It’s not mature, enduring love. If you left for him and married him some day he will cheat on you as well. Think of that. It’s not mature, enduring love. It’s selfish & deceitful. You only get to see the ‘best’ part of the OM. Only what he wants you to see. You don’t seem him in everyday life… you don’t see him when he’s being lazy and refusing to help around the house or all the things that have made his marriage go bad. Remember that he is 50% responsible for the bad state of his own marriage. So he’s not perfect either. And he’s not seeing the real you that your husband sees. Instead he sees the happy you only.
You need to embrace your husband and child. Snap out of the affair fog and get back to reality. You how see that the affair is not a solution but has only made matters worse in your marriage. It will get a lot worse before it gets better when your husband finds out.
If you pull back from the fantasy you can focus on improving your marriage. You need to rebuild your relationship with your husband. Give that 100%. Then if after you give your marriage 100%, you will know if you should stay or leave.
You crave the passion and romance that you once had. I’ll bet that your husband does as well. But like you does not know how to get it back.
Zanna, you're right about the relationship with OM. Whenever I'm with him, I always feel guilty, and worried of getting caught. I also feel that he is starting to feel frustrated in our situation, thats why I ended it. I at first, thought that maybe it was "love" I have for this OM, however, I still can't wrap around the idea of loving two of them at the same time. I know thats not possible. I am eating my own cake, I know and I have the best of both worlds with the two of them in my life. But I also know, that Grass is not always greener on the other fence so I made the decision to stay with my husband. Tomorrow, I will talk to him and tell him the truth. He will probably divorce or he might not. I don't know.
Before you tell your husband, decide what you want. If you want to fix the relationship with your H, then you must tell him this right away. But first he is going to be angry, hurt and in the worst emotional pain of his life. Hopefully someone will be along in a minute to post the guidelines for how to help your spouse heal from your betrayal. (Or I will try to locate it).
Whatever your H says after you tell him will not be his true feelings. Feelings change. They are not set in stone. He might want to divorce you in the moment but he may also change his mind after the reality of divorce sets in. This will all be dependant partly on how you handle the situation.
You can fix your sex life with your H OR you can at least try. And if you can't, then you can divorce, but right now you still have hope. There are books you can read. Counselling is also an option. But you need a plan. A rational mature plan not a plan based on stabbing your H in the back.
Stop the contact with OM immediately. Send him a NO contact letter. This is not a relationship that has a future despite the warm fuzzy feelings you may have now. OM was willing to cheat with a married woman. He has no respect for marriage or for family. You do not have a future with this man. Do not fall for his lies.
I appreciate your input. I am looking for answers, anything I can get. Right now, I dont have anyone to tell how I really feel inside, its killing me. If we divorce, I'm afraid that he will end up getting custody of my daughter because it was me who cheated. I stop talking to the OM but I dont know what will happen if he insist on seeing me again.
Where do you live that you think he would get custody? Just the state or country would be helpful to know.
Zanna, you're right about the relationship with OM. Whenever I'm with him, I always feel guilty, and worried of getting caught. I also feel that he is starting to feel frustrated in our situation, thats why I ended it. I at first, thought that maybe it was "love" I have for this OM, however, I still can't wrap around the idea of loving two of them at the same time. I know thats not possible. I am eating my own cake, I know and I have the best of both worlds with the two of them in my life. But I also know, that Grass is not always greener on the other fence so I made the decision to stay with my husband. Tomorrow, I will talk to him and tell him the truth. He will probably divorce or he might not. I don't know.
The real "best of both worlds" is probably not what you think it is. All your decisions and actions have consequences. You probably havent consider them all yet.
819Likes
I cheated on my husband of 6 years 
