BettyBoop

Question for those of you who were shocked to discover that your significant other was having an affair.

I’m not a dumb person. In fact I am very intuitive but I am perplexed at myself that I had no idea there was OW in his life and how could that be??? Was I in denial? Did I not care? Rewinding, I remember seeing some strange activity but nothing to bring on the red flags. Was it that I trusting him blindly? Why was I a victim for so long and not know it? Why is it that in even now in these times of so much technology the spouse is usually the last to know? Any ideas?

lamaga

Oh, I think it's a combo of what you've said -- it's the same reason that I never assume there's going to be a blue raccoon in my car when I go out in the mornings, it's just not something on my radar screen.

I wish that you would not beat yourself up about it.

Paladin

It is perfectly normal and part of having a trusting relationship with someone. An elevated relationship comes with some perks, trust is a big one. If you did not trust your partner, you would have seen the signs that point to the OW. However, you did trust your partner, you must have in order to have a relationship, so as lamaga mentions, it was simply not on your list of possibilities.

Caribbean Man

The answer to your question is in the question itself.
Fidelity is supposed to be a basic foundation on which successful relationships are based.
So often times partners don't bother to look for dishonesty,even when there are glaring red flags.
I was once involved in a business partnership. Tendered for a very lucrative contract. My other partner and so called " best friend " since boyhood, stabbed me in the back, .
He also tendered separately for the same contract .
It hurt , but I had the last laugh.
Some people are just selfish & dishonest.

canttrustu

Dont stress. You didnt know because your WS didnt want you to know. They took significant steps to hide it from you. My H started his EA in late March early April-I didnt know anything about her for a couple of months. I mean he NEVER said her name. Then all of the sudden he couldnt STOP saying her name. Still it took me months to really really catch on b/c I was concentrating on a sick child. He knew that would be a distraction for me and he exploited that. You cant think like a cheater. Thats why you didnt know. Our child was sick-the idea of caring about ANYTHING else is mind boggling to me. Yet he managed.

I am also not dumb or naive but I did believe him at face value when he told me things even when it didnt make sense. Mostly b/c I wanted to I think. But my gut screamed loudest so I stopped caring about what I wanted to be true and focused on what WAS true.

So it happens to us all. There is a period of time when we, the LS, dont know b/c we arent looking. B/c we trust them. Yes even blindly. That ability is forever lost.

survivorwife

Sure.

1. Because they hide it from us.
2. Because they maintain a "normal" domestic relationship with us in order to hide it.
3. Because they know its wrong - so they hide it from us.
4. Because we have learned to accept them as they are because we love them, so we don't see those red flags until they start adding up.
5. Because we "assume" that since we aren't cheating, they could not possibly be cheating.
6. Because we trusted them.
7. Because they were emotionally checked out of the marriage and we were not, so we can't fathom what possessed them to cheat.

That's pretty much it, unless someone cares to add. For myself, yes, I too saw some potential problems and ignored them at first as I could not believe that he would step outside of the marriage and become involved with other women. I trusted him. I was wrong to do so (obviously) but I do know that he was the one that broke his marriage vows to me and not the other way around. Of course, by the time I wised up, I still had to pretend to trust him to gather further information, thus leaving him to proceed with his adventures until D Day. I have no regrets about MY behavior, and he appears to have no regrets about his own (yet).

But BettyBoop, no need to blame yourself here. You are human. So are we all. "Coulda, Shudda, Wooda" is merely a head game. The truth of the matter is that you responded and/or didn't respond was because you trusted him and loved him, and you can't shoot yourself for being a loving and trusting wife.

canttrustu

"Of course, by the time I wised up, I still had to pretend to trust him to gather further information, thus leaving him to proceed with his adventures until D Day. I have no regrets about MY behavior" .

I had to pretend not to know to get proof myself. THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE sitting there reading all his/her BS back and forth. Talking to people in their office that 'knew'. Listening to the VAR I Put in his bag.......Yeah, lousy times. BUT he was totally denying it so I had to have proof. I resent him for putting me thru having to prove it and not manning up and admitting it. But he now admits that he didnt b/c he was having fun. Didnt want to stop. He was in fantasy land. So I had to play hardball or just walk away and let her have him. I played hard ball.. MUCH MUCH to his surprise. Oh how he underestimated me. Insulting really.

anonymouskitty

We see what we want to see, sometimes if we don't like what we're seeing we'll simply look the other way till the s*it hits the fan

canttrustu

I can honestly say that 'looking the other way' is highly unusual for me. Im a head on kind of girl. But THIS. THIS knocked me back and I must admit that I ignored a few red flags(mostly b/c my only concern was our child). But also b/c I just didnt WANT it to be true. The very thought of him with another woman was temporarily paralyzing . It took me a couple of months to get my bearings and talk myself into following my gut instead of my heart.

YOU did nothing wrong. YOur only error was trusting someone who did not deserve your trust. The same error all of us made.

mahike

I was blind to it for 7 months while my wife was having a PA. I missed all the warning signs all the red flags and as I am approaching 1 year since DD. I am still kicking myself in the ass for missing those warning flags.

As you are reading this stuff you see most of us were blind.

survivorwife

Mine still denies and pretends it was no big deal. He just looked at the phone records I ordered (4 months worth) and said nothing. My lawyer and now his lawyer have copies of everything. My WS remains in the fog and the only wake up call he will be receiving is about money (spousal support) which will be too little, too late assuming he ever wakes up. I'm playing hardball now and, so far, I'm winning. I'm moving on and he is still stuck in the fog.

BettyBoop

Thanks for your responses.
No, the looking the other way is just not there.

Yes I understand that his affair is not my fault, but in reflecting back on my end I have to know that this will never happen again. He is working on being a better husband and so am I working at being a better wife. I do not want to stay paranoid for ever, not my style and I want to recuperate some resemblance of the old me. I knew something was ‘wrong’ in the marriage/with him. So many things happened during his 4yrs affair, yes a four year affair!!. The affair started just when we found out his mother had terminal cancer and 3 months later she passed away, then he had a major accident that landed him in the hospital for 6 weeks, lost his job of 20yrs, and had another automobile accident. All these major tragedies had me thinking he was struggling with life, depressed. But never the stench of OW.

Vanton68

Don't beat your self up. Men and women (typically) cheat in different ways, so the signs may not have set you off. I always say that if women, could just keep their husband happy in the bedroom, she could have a million affairs and he would probably stay dumb. But look at the many posts here and see that they usually withdraw all sex and affection, and put all their energy into their OM. Don't believe me, then look at the affair boards where the women share their success stories of LTR with OM. Men typically (at least the ones that I know) keep the sex and affection with their BS and the OW, some even step up their romantic game. Sometimes we fail to see things the red flags because we are viewing the world through our own lens. This is not a fault.

Looking back and finding vague signs won't help you through this. He is at fault, you are not. You trusted him BECAUSE you should have trusted him. I don't think you were in denial. Denial (on this board) goes like this "well they spent the night together but he said they just talked, even though there was explicit sex texting before and after that night, so I am going to hope they didn't" <--that's denial.

canttrustu

Believe us all when we say hind sight is 20/20 for sure!!! Looking back I can so much more clearly see what he was doing but I just couldnt then. NOW its so clear. But with that said-he didnt withdraw his affection, he was home at night, not hiding his phone(well once), not on the computer at night. There were signs but not early on. Not until he really got emotionally involved. Then it was subtle. Talked about her too much-but never good. (he admits he was trying to throw me off)Late more than usual but not alarmingly so(Now I know he was in her office on a few of those "gotta meet the deadline" nights) He got a text from her once and he hid his phone.But when I questioned him he said "oh it was OW, she was just asking how our daughter was".....he left off the rest of the text which said "Ive been waiting to hear from you. I expected to hear from you by now. ....I am in tears with worry about her"......GOD that makes my blood boil. She used MY daughter to get to him AND IT WORKED! Stupid man. She didnt give a d*mn about our daughter, she was faining concern to pull at his heartstrings. Worked like a charm. Yet Im at home REALLY concerned about her and it didnt phase him.

Gotta love that 'perfect OW'. The pure denial of reality. He couldnt tolerate her for a week if he had to live with her. She is controlling and manipulative. Played him like a fiddle.

So dont be upset with yourself. Everyone gets played at some point. You believed him when he said "forsaking all others" as did I.

BettyBoop

1. Because they hide it from us.
2. Because they maintain a "normal" domestic relationship with us in order to hide it.
3. Because they know its wrong - so they hide it from us.
4. Because we have learned to accept them as they are because we love them, so we don't see those red flags until they start adding up.
5. Because we "assume" that since we aren't cheating, they could not possibly be cheating.
6. Because we trusted them.
7. Because they were emotionally checked out of the marriage and we were not, so we can't fathom what possessed them to cheat.
I agree!

As you are reading this stuff you see most of us were blind.
Yes Mahike, I guess we were, for the most part blind.

Looking back and finding vague signs won't help you through this. He is at fault, you are not. You trusted him BECAUSE you should have trusted him. I don't think you were in denial. Denial (on this board) goes like this "well they spent the night together but he said they just talked, even though there was explicit sex texting before and after that night, so I am going to hope they didn't" <--that's denial.
Vangon68, I guess I did the right thing by our marriage to trust him. It is the blind trust I guess that bothers me.