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Well I was wrong to forgive about the ea and it ending. Found A hidden phone.

62K views 240 replies 51 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
Some of you have seen my thread about my wife caught texting with a co worker. Thought i solved the, problem. Nope, she took it under ground. They've been texting and at least making out for the last month. Don't know what to do. I'm In shock.
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#36 ·
I don't see this as her having two separate incidents with this guy. It was a continuous relationship and it never stopped. They worked in the same place and didn't have to text each other, but they still did. The day in the bar when you had a beer with this guy and he and your wife texted while you were there was a sign that something was terribly wrong. His reaction to your confronting him was a good indication that this wasn't ending.

He may have initiated contact, but she never backe him off it one bit and she actually pursued it. Even if you never expressed an ounce of jealousy towards this guy, she intended to have an affair with this guy. Now, you're jealous nature in general, over an extended period of time, that may have made you very weak and unattractive to your wife.

Your wife's pay is based more on her ability to flirt with men than it actually is based on her ability to serve them drinks. YOUR WIFE'S JOB IS TO FLIRT WITH MEN. This is a recipe for disaster in your marriage.

Some men are unreasonably jealous. Their wife goes out to get the mail, a car passes by, and they accuse their wife of flirting with the driver - that's unreasonable. You are jealous, but you have a pretty good reason, which is that your wife's job is to flirt with other men, how well she does it determines how much money she makes, and some of those guys are wealthy, young, good-looking, funny, etc. She is bound to find some of them attractive. The problem is, your jealousy does make you unattractive.

However, no one cheats because they were accused of it, saying we might as well do it if we're going to be accused anyway. She cheated because she liked this guy and wanted to cheat, she just used your accusation as a justification after the fact.
 
#38 ·
This even-the-score business is to try to work you into an open marriage deal. After you do it, she'll be like "see, we're adults. We can handle having others." She's looking to replace you, but for whatever reason, she's not quite ready to move out yet. She's been having an open marriage since she started flirting for tips. I wouldn't let my wife be a cucktail waitress under any circumstances.
 
#39 ·
I think before you move forward in your marriage you need to know what's been going on. You can't make decisions about your future without more information about where you stand.

Unfortunately, you cannot believe your wife. She went from you catching her and her telling you that it was friendly texting to telling you it was harmless flirting to telling you she would stop doing it to you catching her with a burner phone to her telling you they just kissed once to her telling you they had sex once, with her telling him he was the best thing in her life to her telling you it's over and he is disgusting. Does this story make sense to you? It doesn't make sense because it's a lie.

If it was going on for a month and his apartment is where she works, she could have been clocking out early and screwing him every night. It probably wasn't just once if she texted him "you're the best thing in my life." Also, he must have had sex with her many times for her to actually think he was ending it with her. He had his fill and was losing interest after just one time having sex with her? Not likely.

As far as her having cheated with others besides this guy, random quickies or whatever, I have no idea and neither do you. She lied to you about this guy and continued lying when you first caught her and still is lying now.

Ask your wife to take a polygraph. See if you can get the truth that way.

In the meantime, she should write a "no contact" letter to the other man and quit her job immediately. She would rather let you fool around on her and you meanwhile let her keep her job (and keep seeing the other man). Maybe she wants to have an open marriage with you and figures her getting you to have an affair is the first step.
 
#43 ·
My friends... well friend now, got divorced after they moved to Las Vegas. They need to rename... Lost Vegas. And the idea that she believes you should go do it with someone to make up for her wrongdoing???

That won't help!
She has done more that she has let on.
Sorry for the situation.
Too much mistrust!
Get together.
Get counseling to determine statuses of relationship.
Get yourself some help! Take care!
 
#45 ·
Been there. He promised to have no contact at all with her, but they continued to email. I sent her an email telling her to leave my husband and family alone. I drove copies of all the emails and texts to the OP's husband to peruse. Now I have a copy of the post by Sweatpea, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ded-rebuild-trust-dss-honesty.html#post208407 It helps me know my rights as a BW and gives me focus. I really feel your pain. It has been 6 months since my discovery, and we are seeing a marriage counselor (2nd session tonight). Here's hoping and you are now in my prayers for recovery, no matter what you choose.
 
#48 ·
Well we are going to marriage counseling asap. But how do I deal with the short term. She has work tomorrow where he lives. She has agreed to not work there anymore, but she has to find a new job first. Which makes sense, we cant make it financially unless she is working as well.

But I think we all know that while shes at work, i will slowly lose my mind with anger, resentment, worry, and sadness.

How do I get through while shes at work? Shes writing the NC letter today, but I tell myself she could easily write it out and either claim she gave it to him or gives it to him but tells him its all bs to quiet me. She claims that the thought of him now disgusts her, because she is out of the fog now. And thinking about him and how it damn near ruined our marriage makes her sick.

I dont know if thats just bs or not. Ugh so confused....
 
#53 ·
LOSTfan demand that she tell you who he is and the number where can be reached so that you can give him a call to him that if he continues pursuing your wife, that you are going to make it your mission in life to make his own life a living hell. This should destroy any illusions he may have that he can continue to pursue your wife without you being aware of anything.
 
#56 ·
The NC letter should be written by her and approved by you and sent by you and by certified mail.
 
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#59 ·
...and as long as there is contact you should consider the affair active.

Marriages can survive financial hardships, but not continuing affairs. Your decision to make together. Marriage or money.

And forget MC as a cure, most do more harm than good. She cheated because of poor boundaries plus time plus opportunity.

Save your money. Ending the contact will do more good than any amount of MC'ing.

And you KNOW it was more than sex once, right? Unless of course you are the exception to every other poster here on TAM.
 
#65 ·
Sorry you are going through this crap. Maybe she can move to her home town in south Florida and become friends with he ex like she wanted and accused you of being controlling !!

One day at a time Lost ----

Take care of yourself -- eat, exrecise, sleep, etc. You need to remain strong -- and keep healthy as well.
 
#68 ·
I missed that post!!!

Of course they had sex. It was more than once. And he is smaller than you right? And she did not enjoy it? Bull****. It was going on for quite sometime. They did not even need a phone. If you can retrieve texts from the affair phone, do it..

No kids, bail out. Infidelity should a deal breaker if it isn't for the kids. It wasn't a drunken ONS !! She had affair phone and she hooked up repeatedly in his room. have no doubts about that. most importantly, you caught her. She did not confess.
 
#70 ·
My best friend said he wouldn't be my friend if I even thought about taking her back. So i really don't have anyone to talk to about. Probably why I'm on here posting. I just feel like my happy go lucky soul has been ripped away from me, and it was replaced with pure nothingness. I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't know how I'm supposed to handle her at work now. We need to pay bills, and in vegas its 24% unemployment. So while she works on finding a new job, I have to deal with now.
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#71 ·
Your friends position is understandable. Try to be indifferent to her for a while, till you are in a better mental state to weigh your options of what to do, when to do, how to do, etc.

In the mean time here's another users thread from vegas, you will find some similarities between yours. Its worth to look through. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/44599-should-i-worried.html
 
#72 ·
#73 · (Edited)
LOSTFan:
Just stop being a mope and take charge of the situation. Like The Godfather said " You Can Act Like A Man"!

You got a lot of good advice here and you seen to keep shooting it down. What you have to do is clear.
1. Stop listening to her bullsh1t, it's all lies.
2. If she wants to stay with you, she quits her job tomorrow. There is no reason not to.
3. You confront this a$$hole and tell him that if he so much as looks in the direction of your wife, you'll rip his throat out with your bear hands. Then you can send a NC letter.
4. Contact your wife's company and let them know why she is quitting.
5. Expose the affair to everyone. Let her family know she changed her profession to "sperm bank".
6. If you are serious about R, bout of you to MC right away. She has accused you of being controlling, show her what that really means!
7. She doesn't agree to any of this, throw her a$$ into the street and tell her to take her sorry ass to Ft. Lauderdale.

If you don't start taking action, then stop complaining. Don't let life happen to you, SHAPE IT!
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#74 ·
I'm going to implement the 180 right away. I have a question though... one of the rules stated don't talk about tthe marriage unless the w brings it up first. My w is already bringing it up. I want to talk about it, but seems to go agains the 180. Plus it said no dates, she mentioned wanting to go out to dinner tonight to talk about everything and hopefully start a clean start.
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#75 ·
Inform her that until there is absolutely NC (no contact) in any way shape or form, that you consider that the affair is still going and thus the marriage is headed towards divorce. And as far as dates are concerned, that also should be put on hold until NC is established and verified through her actions of willingly adopting a policy of total transparency and honesty to start rebuilding the trust you had in her and she destroyed.
 
#76 ·
Middle, what advice am I directly ignoring? I'm doing the 180, working on me for me, ive confronted the om via text. I can't do it in person because he's in security at this hotel/club. Hell just get me kicked out. W is working on the nc letter as we speak. I got let go from my job instead of getting a promised promotion, so my w can't quit tomorrow. I hope you guys can understand that.

I am being mopey with you guys, but thats because I view you incredible people as my only outlet. I'm not doing that in front of her
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#80 ·
She should still do the NC letter, it will be a concrete way to hold her accountable for her actions. Once he is back on his feet financially, she can leave the job.

She can also lodge a complaint with HR if he tries to talk to her after she does NC. Sexual harassment gets taken seriously by most companies.
 
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