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Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do

107K views 255 replies 74 participants last post by  carpenoctem 
#1 ·
I hope this is the right thread to post my story. My ex wife and I have been divorced for more than 3 years now. Last night, I received a call from a mutual friend who informed me that my ex wife is critically ill in ICU for the past few days.

The thing is that I have not contacted her ever since we got divorced. We do not communicate at all. My friend just thought that I should know. Now, I am caught in a dilemma as to whether I should visit my ex or not. I have gone NC with her for so long and now to show up all of a sudden, it may complicate matters. Furthermore, I lived about 8 hours from her. Ever since we broke up, I have detached myself from her and moved out from the town that we used to live in.

Just a short background on our relationship:

We were married for about 8 years. We didn’t have any children, so that makes the divorce easier. We were both career minded people and the divorce was not financially difficult for both of us. We just split up everything equally and move on with our own life.

My wife had an EA with a co-worker. Even when she was having an EA, I did not suspect anything as we were getting along just fine. We still had our weekly romantic dinners, we went to the movies and the lovemaking then was simply incredible. However, knowing my wife, she has always been honest with me about everything. One day, she sat me down and told me about her EA. She told me that she was falling for her co-worker (OM) and they have not done anything physical yet. She did not intend to go any further in the relationship with the OM until she gets a divorce from me. That was the first time she mentioned the D word. I was devastated. I asked her what I have done wrong as her husband. She actually consoled me and said I have done nothing wrong. It was her who had wronged me. She said she just couldn’t help falling in love with the OM. I suggested MC for us but she told me that was no point as she didn’t want to remain married and didn’t want to hurt me any further.

From then on, I knew she had made up her mind and I decided to detach myself from her. Like I said, she has always been honest and good to me. To the very last day when I saw her, she gave me a long and affectionate hug. She was tearful and so was I. We said our goodbyes and we left amicably after that.

It has been 3 years now and suddenly I get this sort of phone call. I am still torn as to whether I should go to visit her or not. To be honest, I am not too keen to see my ex-in laws or even the OM (or possibly her husband now). Anyone in TAM has gone through this before? Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.
 
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#44 ·
I think you need to go. I think you want to go or you wouldn't be here asking. If she is already unconscious in the end stages of cancer then she, likely, won't be regaining consciousness. It is my understanding that the 'hearing' is the last thing to go. As divorces go, especially those involving infidelity, it sounds like yours was fairly amicable.

When someone is gone, you don't get any do-overs. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Perhaps, she will be able to "rest in peace" better after knowing that you came to see her. Closure can be very healing. It is apparent that you loved her and that, although, your marriage did not survive she once loved and cared for you, as well.

You may regret it if you don't go, but I really doubt that you will regret it if you do.
 
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#45 ·
Thanks everyone. I will be leaving first thing in the morning to visit my ex. It will be a long drive. I strongly believe that visiting her is the right thing to do. In a way, I think I do owe her for all the good times we shared together.

I have just spoken to my lady friend. She didn't seem too happy about it as I will need to cancel our date but she agreed that I should visit the ex. She may have a bit of jealousy issue. Like I said, we have only dated about a month, we still got a long way to go to understand each other.

It will probably be a while before I post here again but I will keep all of you updated. Thanks again.
 
#51 ·
It sounds like you got the whole scenario right, from her A through not answering her emails, to your reaction now. Both of you are obviously good people. I hope you find peace and I am sure your new lady friend will understand and respect you when she has thought it through. All best wishes.
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#52 ·
When my guy friend was hospitalized for his brain hemorrhage and in the icu in a coma, etc. I kept waiting for his ex to come and visit him, but she didn't. I think most family members would not be surprised if you wanted to visit and would accommodate a visit. It's natural to want to say goodbye to a partner you cared for and loved. You were a major part of her life for so long, but also if she is coherent you should be prepared to say something to make her feel good at how she contributed to your life.
 
#55 ·
Are you really sure you want to see someone in the dying stages of cancer? If you have not seen this woman for years, you are in for a shock. Depending on her deterioration, you may not even recognize her. Not a very good last memory.

Plus, you've moved on; why stain your (possible?) new relationship with this? Keep your memories of your ex-wife the way you have them now. They sound like pretty decent memories!
 
#58 ·
As for your current lady friend, she has nothing to be jealous of. You have a history, and your going to visit your critically ill Ex is not a threat to your new relationship.
I'm willing to bet that his lady friend will still resent it somehow. I believe the OP really needs to work at assuring her that this is just a charitable human thing to do, and not some romantic dramatic episode.
 
#69 ·
for the record, I have stage IV carcinoma. Fortunately, I still have all my hair and I am able to stand upright.

Still, though, I have been selective as to whom I tell that I have cancer. I don't want people swarming around me using the cancer as a reason to contact me. The last thing I need is people thinking that I owe them because "they did something nice while I was sick."

I mentioned to some friends a few months ago how a guy I used to date keeps contacting me every few months. I have never wavered from the message that "my boyfriend and I are doing fine." Someone suggested maybe he's just worried about me due to my cancer. Oh dear, I thought. Thankfully, this guy doesn't even know that I have cancer, so that can' be an excuse.

If I were on my deathbed, I would prefer that my exH not come to visit. He wanted the divorce and it appeared to me that he stayed in touch with certain people to let me know that he had remarried. He offered that friend thing as well. What would I want,that he show up with his wife and kids........

Additionally, before my father went into a coma this year (he died) he told us that he did not want 2 people visiting him: 1) one of his sisters and 2) that sister's daughter. Both of them caused him and as a result, us, so much agro. the sister showed up at the funeral, fortunately, our cousin did not.

I know that the OP is already on his way to see his ex. I added this as food for thought.

there is dignity in staying away.
 
#70 ·
I think what you're missing BL is that this goodbye is more for the OP and not to absolve his ex or anything like that (isn't she unconscious anyways?). He's not going there to take care of her in her final days or anything like that either. He spent a chunk of his life married to this woman, never spoke to her after the D and it's been a mere 3 years since then. Perhaps if it was 10-20 years later (and no contact) I can see there being no point to it. But in a way he gets to put this to bed, I'm sure he would have been fine if she died suddenly and he didn't get this opportunity but he does have this opportunity to say goodbye and pay his respects to a woman he shared his love with for a significant time, even if she doesn't deserve that respect. In a sense he is saying goodbye to the pre-affair wife and as much as he did that already with his divorce, he gets to do it with finality and closure.
 
#71 ·
I think what you're missing BL is that this goodbye is more for the OP and not to absolve his ex or anything like that (isn't she unconscious anyways?). He's not going there to take care of her in her final days or anything like that either. He spent a chunk of his life married to this woman, never spoke to her after the D and it's been a mere 3 years since then. Perhaps if it was 10-20 years later (and no contact) I can see there being no point to it. But in a way he gets to put this to bed, I'm sure he would have been fine if she died suddenly and he didn't get this opportunity but he does have this opportunity to say goodbye and pay his respects to a woman he shared his love with for a significant time, even if she doesn't deserve that respect. In a sense he is saying goodbye to the pre-affair wife and as much as he did that already with his divorce, he gets to do it with finality and closure.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 
#76 ·
I am with Big Liam on this. I don't think he should have gone, and once he gets there I think he is going to be sorry he did. I don't see this as having any affect of closure for him. If anything its going to tear the scar off a freshly healed wound that she callously inflicted on him three years ago, and then tried to smooth over with the "let's be friends" b.s.

And what if she had married her affair partner and he is there when OP arrives? Um...can you say awkward? Can those of you as BSs imagine what that would be like?

He owes her nothing, and he owes it to himself to move on. Face it, if the mutual friend had not called him and told him of her condition, he would have gone on with his life blissfully unaware that she had died.

I have a question: if she knew she had teminal cancer, then why did she not contact him when she was still pysically able if she wanted to see him one last time to bury the hatchet and bring closure for them both? Nowhere does it appear that she desired, or is desiring, him to come to see her.

What if he gets there, she is conscious and she asks him "What the hell are you doing here?"
 
#80 ·
You said she was unconscience, right? So if that's the case she won't know you're there. Sounds to me like your conscience is working on you.

If it were me, and I chose to make the effort to visit her, I would be sure none of her family were present during my visit. Try visiting during the last visitation period of the night.

Otherwise, I think I would pass.
 
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