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Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do

107K views 255 replies 74 participants last post by  carpenoctem 
#1 ·
I hope this is the right thread to post my story. My ex wife and I have been divorced for more than 3 years now. Last night, I received a call from a mutual friend who informed me that my ex wife is critically ill in ICU for the past few days.

The thing is that I have not contacted her ever since we got divorced. We do not communicate at all. My friend just thought that I should know. Now, I am caught in a dilemma as to whether I should visit my ex or not. I have gone NC with her for so long and now to show up all of a sudden, it may complicate matters. Furthermore, I lived about 8 hours from her. Ever since we broke up, I have detached myself from her and moved out from the town that we used to live in.

Just a short background on our relationship:

We were married for about 8 years. We didn’t have any children, so that makes the divorce easier. We were both career minded people and the divorce was not financially difficult for both of us. We just split up everything equally and move on with our own life.

My wife had an EA with a co-worker. Even when she was having an EA, I did not suspect anything as we were getting along just fine. We still had our weekly romantic dinners, we went to the movies and the lovemaking then was simply incredible. However, knowing my wife, she has always been honest with me about everything. One day, she sat me down and told me about her EA. She told me that she was falling for her co-worker (OM) and they have not done anything physical yet. She did not intend to go any further in the relationship with the OM until she gets a divorce from me. That was the first time she mentioned the D word. I was devastated. I asked her what I have done wrong as her husband. She actually consoled me and said I have done nothing wrong. It was her who had wronged me. She said she just couldn’t help falling in love with the OM. I suggested MC for us but she told me that was no point as she didn’t want to remain married and didn’t want to hurt me any further.

From then on, I knew she had made up her mind and I decided to detach myself from her. Like I said, she has always been honest and good to me. To the very last day when I saw her, she gave me a long and affectionate hug. She was tearful and so was I. We said our goodbyes and we left amicably after that.

It has been 3 years now and suddenly I get this sort of phone call. I am still torn as to whether I should go to visit her or not. To be honest, I am not too keen to see my ex-in laws or even the OM (or possibly her husband now). Anyone in TAM has gone through this before? Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.
 
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#87 ·
I guess I'm in the minority too. To me ex means ex. I just got my divorce this week and I can honestly say I hope to never see my ex again in good health or bad. I don't plan on attending her funeral either.

Yeah... I'm an a$s. What else is new?

I think OP will be sorry he went. But it's his life.
 
#94 ·
Update

Thank you to all who have posted. Your kind words meant a lot to me. It has been a very emotional weekend for me. My ex wife is still unconscious and I am not sure how long she will be in that state. Though she is my ex but I certainly hope she will pull through.

When I reached the hospital, I immediately went to the ICU and the duty nurse who was there asked me about my relationship with the patient. Initially, I told her, I am the patient’s friend. The nurse refused me entry as currently only close family members are allowed to visit her in the ICU. Seeing that there was no choice, I told the nurse, I am actually the patient’s ex-husband. The nurse asked me to take a seat while she checked with her supervisor.

Ten minutes later, the nurse told me that they have contacted the patient’s family members and they said to allow me to go into the ICU. I was rather nervous when I entered the ICU because I have not seen the ex wife for 3 years….I did not know what to expect. When I saw her, I couldn’t take it anymore……I broke down and cried. She was so thin and weak but she still looked so pretty to me. She had all this wires hooking up to the machines and I just couldn’t believe that she could be in this condition.

I sat down next to her, stroking her hair and then holding her hand and kissing it gently. I don’t really know what to say here but I actually miss her. As I was sitting next to her, my tears just kept flowing as it has been such a long time and now to see her like this was just too overwhelming. Luckily there was no one there at that time. I held her hand and was talking to her about how I miss her and told her I am so sorry that I did not contact her all these years. I recall the time when we first met, dated, married all the fun times we had. Somewhere along, I actually told her I love her and that was when I felt a weak and gentle squeeze of my hand. I thought she was awake but unfortunately she wasn’t. As I continued talking to her, I noticed that there were tears flowing from her eyes. I did check with the doctor whether she was able to hear me. The doctor said it is quite possible. When I mentioned about the gentle squeeze that I felt, the doctor said that it could be muscle spasm. When I asked him about her tears, the doctor mentioned that it could be an overflow of the tear gland as she has not open her eyes for quite a while. The doctor looked at me and asked me not to read too much into it and it is just a medical or physical reaction. I so badly wanted the doctor to say that what I felt was genuine.

While I was in my ex’s town (what used to be our town), I learned quite a number of things about my ex which got me really emotional. I also managed to talk to my ex in laws. I will post that later as I am really tired and I need to get some rest. It has been a long drive.
 
#96 ·
Well done, J Valley. If she doesn't pull through, what you did will mean so much to you.

I simply cannot believe that the doctor gave you so little hope that your ex wife heard you. It's too much of a coincidence that she squeezed your hand and shed tears. Having read your post, I'm absolutely convinced that she heard all you said and reacted as she did.

It must have been so difficult for you to see her like that. It's so sad but I think it's a beautiful story. I don't mean to sound silly but I'm really happy for you and I think what you did was amazing!.
 
#98 ·
You know its when you hear stories like these that your entire perspective of the way the world works changes, is this twoo luw? His willingness to put himself in pain just to be with her? Her sending him emails inquiring about his health knowing that he might not respond?

World, why do you play cruel tricks on me?
Damn now I wish i was a poet :)
 
#122 ·
You're wife was at least partly conscious and heard what you said.

I dont believe the twitch and tear happening together were a coincidence. Your voice was a powerful stimulant to her. Her subconscious mind recognised it immediately and brought her to semi-consciousness, and her body responded to your words.

Who knows, your voice may have been the healing power to bring her back from the brink. It would be neat if six months down the road she showed up at your door to thank you.

But that's Hollywood dreaming. :eek:
 
#124 ·
I watched my mother die of cancer for the last 5 days of her life as we had her in hospice care in the living room

she was unconscious for most of the time, but the day before she died she was awake and lucid and it was also my brother's birthday

she died the next morning

looking back I'm fairly certain that my dad eased up on her morphine dose for my brother's bday, maybe even an agreement they had together. (including giving her enough to pass quicker without pain that night)
 
#128 ·
Her physical response was also a culmination of a preexisting hope he would come to see her, even though she did not contact him to inform him of her illness.

I think she regretted what she did to him, and as she saw her life coming to an end, she thought of him more and more. Her psyche was already tuned into thoughts of where he was, what he was doing, and how he felt about her. As soon as her brain processed his voice speaking to her, it brought her senses into focus. She was primed to respond to him.

(Man I am an armadillo aren't I? See my soft underbelly?)
 
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#140 ·
The OP had two options - Either to remain detached, somewhat hateful, or to forget all about past in the door of death. He chose the second one.

I know wounds of betrayal do not completely heal ever, but wouldn't this single act would give the OP an immense strength and peace in his future life - considering both the OP and his wife were gentle and caring persons - even in separation?

Also, Wouldn't the Op's current GF look upon him as a strong man with kind heart, and his future children, if they come to know of it, respect him more?

Would his current GF think of cheating or leaving him ever?

I also appreciate the in-laws of his wife - who didn't object his presence and even allowed him some privacy. Nobody is villain in this entire post.

Maybe I am becoming too emotional here ....
 
#142 ·
Ultimately, The dude felt that it was the right choice for him to go. With us on the forum all we can do is support a person in their decision, give advice to which road they choosen to go down and what to expect along the way.

Regardless if the marriage ended badly, there were some years which they happily shared together. He went there to see someone that he share a part of his life with. He left the crap at the door and took in what was important to him and her. I think he made the right choice. I hope that she pulls through. But, regardless, my thoughts and prayers are with ya!
 
#143 · (Edited)
JValley: You are to be richly commended for following the advice to go, both for your own sake and for hers. Had you not gone, you would have always wondered and quite possibly been burdened by a plethora of guilt.

God truly moves us as agents of His will, and I feel all too certain that you responded accordingly. And whether it is in this lifetime, or perhaps hereafter, your ex will truly thank you for the care, compassion, and concern that you came to show.

God bless you, my brother! You'll fastly remain in my prayers!
 
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