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Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do

107K views 255 replies 74 participants last post by  carpenoctem 
#1 ·
I hope this is the right thread to post my story. My ex wife and I have been divorced for more than 3 years now. Last night, I received a call from a mutual friend who informed me that my ex wife is critically ill in ICU for the past few days.

The thing is that I have not contacted her ever since we got divorced. We do not communicate at all. My friend just thought that I should know. Now, I am caught in a dilemma as to whether I should visit my ex or not. I have gone NC with her for so long and now to show up all of a sudden, it may complicate matters. Furthermore, I lived about 8 hours from her. Ever since we broke up, I have detached myself from her and moved out from the town that we used to live in.

Just a short background on our relationship:

We were married for about 8 years. We didn’t have any children, so that makes the divorce easier. We were both career minded people and the divorce was not financially difficult for both of us. We just split up everything equally and move on with our own life.

My wife had an EA with a co-worker. Even when she was having an EA, I did not suspect anything as we were getting along just fine. We still had our weekly romantic dinners, we went to the movies and the lovemaking then was simply incredible. However, knowing my wife, she has always been honest with me about everything. One day, she sat me down and told me about her EA. She told me that she was falling for her co-worker (OM) and they have not done anything physical yet. She did not intend to go any further in the relationship with the OM until she gets a divorce from me. That was the first time she mentioned the D word. I was devastated. I asked her what I have done wrong as her husband. She actually consoled me and said I have done nothing wrong. It was her who had wronged me. She said she just couldn’t help falling in love with the OM. I suggested MC for us but she told me that was no point as she didn’t want to remain married and didn’t want to hurt me any further.

From then on, I knew she had made up her mind and I decided to detach myself from her. Like I said, she has always been honest and good to me. To the very last day when I saw her, she gave me a long and affectionate hug. She was tearful and so was I. We said our goodbyes and we left amicably after that.

It has been 3 years now and suddenly I get this sort of phone call. I am still torn as to whether I should go to visit her or not. To be honest, I am not too keen to see my ex-in laws or even the OM (or possibly her husband now). Anyone in TAM has gone through this before? Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.
 
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#159 ·
JV-------my sympathies---to you, and her family

She heard you, no matter what the dr. said---she knew------and I believe, she will be waiting for you, when you pass on, many years from now

She may have fallen for someone else, while married to you---but she treated you respectfully, and asked for a D., so you could both move on----you were hurt, but it is obvious you never stopped loving her, and she very likely cared for you, maybe even loved you, in her own way

You are a better person, for going and saying goodbye, to the woman you did love for many years.
 
#160 ·
we believe that if a person desperately want to meet some one, they wont die until they see or hear from that person, If they die before meeting that person we believe that the person died leaving their last wish unfulfilled. Here she may have been waiting for you, when you show up and heard from you which may have been her last wish, (even if she didnt told to someone else) You fulfilled her last wish, you can be proud of that,

The tears she shed may be her apology for you
 
#163 · (Edited)
J Valley,
I'd never have the guts to take step as you did.After reading your first post I thought you should phuck it and continue with your life but after reading every 1's comments I must say it changed my opinion.
She did do right by you after all there is no such thing in life as a easy break-up.
You did what you thought was best for you and kept u r self aloof for 3 years to maintain your sanity and pick up the pieces of your life and to show such compassion after 3 years and most importantly to phuck the comments discouraging you to go and follow your heart .
When my wife was in the hospital I didn't visit her although we promised to be for one another for all our seven lives .What you did as an ex-husband I failed to do as a husband.
Well dude it takes a real gent to come up with such strength.
I feel small compared to the enormity of your heart.But now it's time to make new memories my friend.
You never described how her life turned after the divorce .Did you get the closure you were looking for ????

Wishing you luck
GTA06
 
#165 ·
GTA:

You're not small in any way, brother! Like all of the rest of us, you're just in a lifelong learning mode. I know that I am.

Absolutely great words of encouragement for JValley from you!
May God bless!
 
#178 ·
this was the poster's choice, so that is fine. The main thing to remember here is that for those who choose not to visit the (death) beside of a former partner --whatever the circumstances -- that there is nothing wrong in making that decision. and in fact, given possible complications and the fact that other people concerned may not be able to forgive, it can be the optimal choice for all concerned, to simply stay away.
 
#180 ·
I came across this site by chance today, became totally spellbound by jvalley.. his postings, his story, his life and his loss.. my heart goes out to him for the grief he'l be feeling right now. His relationship with his ex was bound by emotions and a connection that only those two in it can truly understand. Yes they've both hurt each other in the past, who doesnt make mistakes and treat the one they love badly and without thought for reasons that are usually very emotionally complicated and at times selfish in defence to being hurt further.. He did in the end what he felt was right.. for both himself and his ex. It was both poignant and heartbreaking to finally be at peace with each other and he acted with dignity and respect to all concerned. The end of ones life is no place to hold onto blame, grudges or ill will. He showed us all an inherent basic respect and decency to let bygones be left at the door and acted with love, kindness & empathy.... A fact that has by passed some of those who have wittered on incessently about cheating and blame and all that other crap that spoke more volumes about their own shallow character than anything else. They should be ashamed of themselves & instead of bleating on about how wronged they've been, how badly they've been **** on by their ex's would do well to remember that respect is a two way process..to get it you have to earn it...Are you really blameless yourselves? ? If you cant understand or agree why jvalley has followed his heart and beliefs, put himself right out there to go to his ex wife, regardless of the pain, time and effort it required... then am hardly surprised you have your own collection of ex's trailing behind you.. anyhow... am half way across the world, with a big lump in my throat... raising my glass & proposing a toast to jvalley & his former wife...She heard you...she felt you close... she's now at peace..so will you b in time.... Am so sorry for you both and for her family.... but you did good..you did real good... Wish you all the best and that ther were more in the world like you...it would be a better place.. take care.god bless
 
#181 ·
I get your drift manxmaid (I've been to the Isle of Man, lovely place) but you must understand that this is first and formost a marriage blog, filled with people who are for the most part proponents of healthy, lifelong marriages. Its no act of serendipity that the OM posted his story on the Coping With Infidelity section. He would not have posted here if he did not have reservations and questions about how he should react to his ex-wife's situation in the wake of her betrayal and deconstruction of their marriage. If you don't want to hear our reactions, or see the emotional backlash to his story, then go visit another website that will not offend you.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#182 ·
Jvalley, I am sorry that she is no more. You did the most noble thing by giving your dying wife the most precious gift of your presence and kind words. She died with peace.

As all others have said, please rest assured that love is timeless, and she will meet you somewhere, in some life.

Best wishes to you brother, and thanks for sharing this with us.
 
#183 ·
Fair play Bandit.45..I take ur point on board...we each have our own beliefs and our opinions. Jvalleys 1st sentence on his initial post did say he was unsure of whiich thread to use...essentially of course the infidelity issue which caused his divorce would obviously be forefont in his mind. It was still unresolved emotionally..within him and unspoken between them. Probably wasn't serendipty either that I chanced upon the site myself.. I do fill your criteria of being one half of a healthy, very loving, and for the most part very happy relationship with my OH, I adore him really and him me, but we have our ups and downs like everyone else...My ex hubby put me through the whole infidelity shebang whilst I was coping with young seriously ill child. My posting i suppose came from my experiences in care/ nursing...esp pallitive care..and when the chips are down, and your staring at death, all the other things in life, that seemed so important go out the window.. to know your not alone and your loved is all that matters. For both patient and those closest to them. Jvalley struggled with what he should do, because of the betrayal she put him through but ultimately made his decision based on what he felt was right. He looked for advice at the start but once decision was made my thoughts were that we should support him, regardless of our own views, our own feelings and our own infidelity issues... in times of need support is all we can offer...It's respecting his decision too. That's where it matters. Dont make poor bloke feel any worse.. none of us know how we'l react until we are in it for real ourselves.. empathy maybe... It's taken my mind off my own issues.. I've been emotionally wrangling with them for while. Thought i'd bite bullet and go seek some advice, novice on sites like this.never posted anywhere before.. bandit you kinda aint givn me much confidence to bare ma soul either..
 
#184 ·
Yes, but he asked us to give our views as to what he should do. If you go back you can see we were pretty well divided as to whether he should go or not.

But I didn't see anywhere where we were not supporting him. We may have all not agreed with his going, but we supported his decision nonetheless.

Once he made the decision, did it, and she later passed away, we were all unanimous in our support of him and the pain he is going through. And I think we all agree unanimously that it was a noble and kind gesture he made to visit her on her deathbed.

I just wish she would have told him of her illness back when she was able to, so that he could have spoken with her when she was awake and lucid. Maybe when he comes back he can give us some insight as to why she chose not to tell him that she was dying.
 
#190 ·
JValley: If the opportunity avails itself, then I would whole-heartedly encourage you to go to her funeral. You were more of a husband than any that she had, you loved her, and you would have a heck of a time absolutely convincing me that she didn't love you.

Her family seems to care a lot about you, so much, in fact, that they called you regarding her condition and ultimate demise. While the premise of the funeral is on her, the ultimate reason for going is for the consolation of the survivors, yourself and the rest of her family to celebrate her life, love, and help give closure to a very loving part of everyone's life.

I know that you will make the right choice. God bless you, brother! We'll be here praying for you if you need us! May our Heavenly Father keep his loving and guiding hands on you during this most difficult time!
 
#187 ·
J Valley

You did the right thing in IMHO for yourself, for her and also for her family and others that loved her.

In death I think we have to be guided by our guts and then by the people who are closer to her than we are in order to respect them and to help them through the process. Clearly, you were welcome and they will be comforted that you went x x

Death is as much about the bereaved as the one passing and if we cannot be kind and forgiving and warm and respectful at these times, we have to look at how broken we really are
 
#191 ·
Thank you for all your kind words. Your words have given me comfort and strength. I have not been feeling too well. I will not be attending the funeral. My ex FIL is very concern about me and has advised me to rest and not to attend. He said the family is very appreciative of me being there in the ICU, there is nothing more that he can ask from me.

The ex FIL told me after I left for home, my ex wife’s condition deteriorated. The doctors told the family to prepare for the worst. If there is any consolation to this was that when it came to saying their final goodbyes, my ex FIL spoke a lot of things to the ex and when he mentioned my name, my ex FIL said the ex gave a small smile (according to my ex FIL, it looked like a smile anyway). Not long after that, she passed on peacefully.

I will post more about the OM and the ex laws when I am feeling much better. Thanks again. As for my lady friend, she said it is better for me to be left alone so that I can mourn in peace or privacy (I can’t remember her exact words). She is not coming. Anyway, I have not been eating well and I don’t feel like going out. The boss was kind enough to let me take a few days off.
 
#201 ·
Thank you for all your kind words. Your words have given me comfort and strength. I have not been feeling too well. I will not be attending the funeral. My ex FIL is very concern about me and has advised me to rest and not to attend. He said the family is very appreciative of me being there in the ICU, there is nothing more that he can ask from me.

The ex FIL told me after I left for home, my ex wife’s condition deteriorated. The doctors told the family to prepare for the worst. If there is any consolation to this was that when it came to saying their final goodbyes, my ex FIL spoke a lot of things to the ex and when he mentioned my name, my ex FIL said the ex gave a small smile (according to my ex FIL, it looked like a smile anyway). Not long after that, she passed on peacefully.

I will post more about the OM and the ex laws when I am feeling much better. Thanks again. As for my lady friend, she said it is better for me to be left alone so that I can mourn in peace or privacy (I can’t remember her exact words). She is not coming. Anyway, I have not been eating well and I don’t feel like going out. The boss was kind enough to let me take a few days off.
Just too many coincidences man, just too many. She was happy you were there. Atleast I would like to believe it to be so.

I was listening to this when I was reading your post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzIK5FaC38w
 
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