Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Count of Monte Cristo
BL, she's human and made mistakes like all of us. I get that you feel that cheaters are the scum of the earth and don't deserve forgiveness or redemption. But everything is not black or white. Ultimately, we are the sum of all of our parts -- some good and some bad. You being a lawyer should understand that.
I feel all people deserve forgiveness, if they apologize sincerely. There are shades of gray, but, I saw nothing in this story where she acknowledged the wrongdoing.
I've done many things that are not right. I try to apologize for my mistakes.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigLiam
I feel all people deserve forgiveness, if they apologize sincerely. There are shades of gray, but, I saw nothing in this story where she acknowledged the wrongdoing.
I've done many things that are not right. I try to apologize for my mistakes.
BL, keep in mind that the OP did not share everything with us. It wasn't until I responded that he shouldn't go that he mentioned her dying of cancer and the thoughtful emails from her. The fact that he was asking indicates that he feels that he should go and see her one last time.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Count of Monte Cristo
BL, keep in mind that the OP did not share everything with us. It wasn't until I responded that he shouldn't go that he mentioned her dying of cancer and the thoughtful emails from her. The fact that he was asking indicates that he feels that he should go and see her one last time.
Yes, but do you really think the e-mails were thoughtful if they did not include an apology? Imean it seems to trivialize the affair, not even mentioning it and acting as if everything is okay.
I have experienced thes from both of my XW's(serial cheaters). When my mom died, my first XW called to check on me. I guess that was fine. But, then, she went on to tell me that I should keep her advised of my travel plans(WTF for?)
Essentially, what I see form thos e missives to him re his health etc, is that she just trivialized one of life's greatest traumas and acted as if it never happened.
My XW's(both of whom have never apologized) do stuff like that. Thye want to talk about the weather or such things while the cheating just looms in the background.
I think it is okay to see her. But, I was amazwd art how folks just glossed over the cheating and did not inquire if there had ever been a sincere apology and restitution.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by J Valley
Thanks everyone. I will be leaving first thing in the morning to visit my ex. It will be a long drive. I strongly believe that visiting her is the right thing to do. In a way, I think I do owe her for all the good times we shared together.
I have just spoken to my lady friend. She didn't seem too happy about it as I will need to cancel our date but she agreed that I should visit the ex. She may have a bit of jealousy issue. Like I said, we have only dated about a month, we still got a long way to go to understand each other.
It will probably be a while before I post here again but I will keep all of you updated. Thanks again.
You just had to knock her, didn't you. Well, that means if she needs to see her ex for some important reason, you won't be able to get jealous over that.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigLiam
Essentially, what I see form thos e missives to him re his health etc, is that she just trivialized one of life's greatest traumas and acted as if it never happened.
No, dying a slow death from cancer is one of life's greatest traumas. I think you need some perspective, Liam.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
for the record, I have stage IV carcinoma. Fortunately, I still have all my hair and I am able to stand upright.
Still, though, I have been selective as to whom I tell that I have cancer. I don't want people swarming around me using the cancer as a reason to contact me. The last thing I need is people thinking that I owe them because "they did something nice while I was sick."
I mentioned to some friends a few months ago how a guy I used to date keeps contacting me every few months. I have never wavered from the message that "my boyfriend and I are doing fine." Someone suggested maybe he's just worried about me due to my cancer. Oh dear, I thought. Thankfully, this guy doesn't even know that I have cancer, so that can' be an excuse.
If I were on my deathbed, I would prefer that my exH not come to visit. He wanted the divorce and it appeared to me that he stayed in touch with certain people to let me know that he had remarried. He offered that friend thing as well. What would I want,that he show up with his wife and kids........
Additionally, before my father went into a coma this year (he died) he told us that he did not want 2 people visiting him: 1) one of his sisters and 2) that sister's daughter. Both of them caused him and as a result, us, so much agro. the sister showed up at the funeral, fortunately, our cousin did not.
I know that the OP is already on his way to see his ex. I added this as food for thought.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
I think what you're missing BL is that this goodbye is more for the OP and not to absolve his ex or anything like that (isn't she unconscious anyways?). He's not going there to take care of her in her final days or anything like that either. He spent a chunk of his life married to this woman, never spoke to her after the D and it's been a mere 3 years since then. Perhaps if it was 10-20 years later (and no contact) I can see there being no point to it. But in a way he gets to put this to bed, I'm sure he would have been fine if she died suddenly and he didn't get this opportunity but he does have this opportunity to say goodbye and pay his respects to a woman he shared his love with for a significant time, even if she doesn't deserve that respect. In a sense he is saying goodbye to the pre-affair wife and as much as he did that already with his divorce, he gets to do it with finality and closure.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
I think what you're missing BL is that this goodbye is more for the OP and not to absolve his ex or anything like that (isn't she unconscious anyways?). He's not going there to take care of her in her final days or anything like that either. He spent a chunk of his life married to this woman, never spoke to her after the D and it's been a mere 3 years since then. Perhaps if it was 10-20 years later (and no contact) I can see there being no point to it. But in a way he gets to put this to bed, I'm sure he would have been fine if she died suddenly and he didn't get this opportunity but he does have this opportunity to say goodbye and pay his respects to a woman he shared his love with for a significant time, even if she doesn't deserve that respect. In a sense he is saying goodbye to the pre-affair wife and as much as he did that already with his divorce, he gets to do it with finality and closure.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
I think what you're missing BL is that this goodbye is more for the OP and not to absolve his ex or anything like that (isn't she unconscious anyways?). He's not going there to take care of her in her final days or anything like that either. He spent a chunk of his life married to this woman, never spoke to her after the D and it's been a mere 3 years since then. Perhaps if it was 10-20 years later (and no contact) I can see there being no point to it. But in a way he gets to put this to bed, I'm sure he would have been fine if she died suddenly and he didn't get this opportunity but he does have this opportunity to say goodbye and pay his respects to a woman he shared his love with for a significant time, even if she doesn't deserve that respect. In a sense he is saying goodbye to the pre-affair wife and as much as he did that already with his divorce, he gets to do it with finality and closure.
Yeah, Iunderstand,AR. Sort of reminds me of how Clooney acted in the final scene saying goodbye in " Descendants".
Just so sad, all the pain people cause one another, needlessly.
I truly hope my cheating XW's stay away from my funeral. The first one, in particular, would make it all about her. She is such a hstrionic NPD that I am sure she would try to have folks comforting her. She's probably work in some lines about what an abusive, jerk I was, too, and how she tried to save me from myself via som new age, spiritual bullshat.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
really?
he's been with his new GF for only a month
he isn't visiting some old high school flame or something like that, he's saying GOODBYE to a woman he was married to for 8 years
she's DYING and there is absolutely no chance of a rekindled relationship
frankly, if she isn't understanding of that then I would question her ability to demonstrate empathy
OP- go get your closure, I've seen my mother die of cancer and it won't be pretty and you may not get any answers that you are looking for
She can rationally understand it, she can fully support him and still have a lingering doubt about "what if this woman was not dying of cancer". What we rationally know is not always how we really feel deep down.
If she feels the OP to still be emotionally attached to this woman as even i think he still is (it's pretty obvious from the way he slowly revealed the relevant info, it's that iceberg thing people speak of all over this forum) then this will weight down and stress their relationship. Even more because it is a recent relationship.
Remember that this woman ended the relationship, not the OP, and that even if she did cause the marriage to collapse, she was morally healthy enough to come clean and break it off before she physically cheated on him. How many examples of that have you seen lately? There is clearly something there, and a woman will sniff that out faster than you can blink.
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigLiam
Yeah, Iunderstand,AR. Sort of reminds me of how Clooney acted in the final scene saying goodbye in " Descendants".
Just so sad, all the pain people cause one another, needlessly.
I truly hope my cheating XW's stay away from my funeral. The first one, in particular, would make it all about her. She is such a hstrionic NPD that I am sure she would try to have folks comforting her. She's probably work in some lines about what an abusive, jerk I was, too, and how she tried to save me from myself via som new age, spiritual bullshat.
477Likes
Re: Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do 
