I hope this is the right thread to post my story. My ex wife and I have been divorced for more than 3 years now. Last night, I received a call from a mutual friend who informed me that my ex wife is critically ill in ICU for the past few days.
The thing is that I have not contacted her ever since we got divorced. We do not communicate at all. My friend just thought that I should know. Now, I am caught in a dilemma as to whether I should visit my ex or not. I have gone NC with her for so long and now to show up all of a sudden, it may complicate matters. Furthermore, I lived about 8 hours from her. Ever since we broke up, I have detached myself from her and moved out from the town that we used to live in.
Just a short background on our relationship:
We were married for about 8 years. We didn’t have any children, so that makes the divorce easier. We were both career minded people and the divorce was not financially difficult for both of us. We just split up everything equally and move on with our own life.
My wife had an EA with a co-worker. Even when she was having an EA, I did not suspect anything as we were getting along just fine. We still had our weekly romantic dinners, we went to the movies and the lovemaking then was simply incredible. However, knowing my wife, she has always been honest with me about everything. One day, she sat me down and told me about her EA. She told me that she was falling for her co-worker (OM) and they have not done anything physical yet. She did not intend to go any further in the relationship with the OM until she gets a divorce from me. That was the first time she mentioned the D word. I was devastated. I asked her what I have done wrong as her husband. She actually consoled me and said I have done nothing wrong. It was her who had wronged me. She said she just couldn’t help falling in love with the OM. I suggested MC for us but she told me that was no point as she didn’t want to remain married and didn’t want to hurt me any further.
From then on, I knew she had made up her mind and I decided to detach myself from her. Like I said, she has always been honest and good to me. To the very last day when I saw her, she gave me a long and affectionate hug. She was tearful and so was I. We said our goodbyes and we left amicably after that.
It has been 3 years now and suddenly I get this sort of phone call. I am still torn as to whether I should go to visit her or not. To be honest, I am not too keen to see my ex-in laws or even the OM (or possibly her husband now). Anyone in TAM has gone through this before? Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.
It has been awhile since I last posted. I have actually forgotten my password and couldn’t log in. Anyway, just want to let everyone know that I am doing ok. I have gone back to work and slowly picking up the pieces. I have told my boss that I will be quitting my job once we have completed our last project together. After seeing the passing of my ex wife, I felt that life is just too short and I should go out more and enjoy my life. Our breakup was partly due to both of us focusing on our careers and not spending enough time with each other.
I am no longer dating and have been spending time at home reading and watching the Olympics. Now that I have some time in my hands, I will be catching up on some of the threads here in TAM and hope to contribute wherever I can.
I have gone back to work and slowly picking up the pieces. I have told my boss that I will be quitting my job once we have completed our last project together. After seeing the passing of my ex wife, I felt that life is just too short and I should go out more and enjoy my life.
J Valley's thread was linked to mine regarding a terminally ill spouse. I found many of his posts very insightful.
I'm thinking about doing the exact same thing JV posted up about here, quitting my job after this is all over and moving away from here.
I've worked at the same job (well, the same employer) for 32 years. I climbed the ladder in engineering and make quite a nice income. For the past six years, I've been paying alimony to my ex-wife. At least this gave me some reason to drag my busted old ass to work every day. Once she passes away (terminal colon cancer) that incentive will be gone.
On the other hand, I'm going to have "quite a bit more money" once I'm no longer paying alimony. Might be kind of nice to take an elk hunting vacation every year. What else would I do with the additional money? Buy more stuff? I have more stuff than I will ever need already.
Eh....it's already reached the point where I have to figure out how to "move on" and "what to do with rest of my life". I think I need the intellectual stimulation of work or else I'll go nuts. No, I mean seriously nuts. One thing for sure, when this is all over, I'm going to sleep for a week. Maybe I'll get up and eat, but then I'm going back to bed. I'm exhausted beyond belief.
Ever actually watch someone dying? You can never be the same, that's for sure.
Some may say you leaving was what killed the relationship but don't believe it.
She couldn't handle your pain and help you through its and its good that that nature of her has been revealed.
Many women love relationships when they're fun and easy, but when this mess we call life knocks us off our feet they're the first to head for the hills. A true sign of character is a partner who will be there for you for the highs and the lowest lows.
I think you'll get good closure from this whole event as well, and become a more complete person.
We have spoken a few times. My ex's family wants to start a scholarship fund in memory of her. My ex father in law asked me for my opinion. I told him it is a fantastic idea. I felt honored that he actually asked me for my opinion even though I am no longer part of their family. Anyway, he wants me to be there for the dedication which will be next month. I told him I will certainly be there. I am glad that things are moving in a positive direction. After 3 years, we got to talk again.
I just read a book about why bad things happen and how to make sense out of it. The author had a list of 10 things that we can do to find some kind of meaning and when we can do this, it helps us heal more than anything else. I think it's great you have done that. The longer we live the more we learn and can see how bad things in our past turned out to be great blessings. We just didn't know it at the time.
Maybe this tragedy not only helped you realize you needed a career change but also kept you from a relationship with the wrong person.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have learned something valuable from it. I wish you all the best.
Sorry to dig up the past, but your story was linked in another thread and I was in tears reading it. J Valley, I hope you're still around TAM and if so, can you give us an update? Posted via Mobile Device
Haven't read this story in many months but I still think about it from time-to-time, even now. Why? The story haunts me. So moving. Posted via Mobile Device
JValley: Thanks for checking in. I, for one, greatly miss your presence and hope that you'll have time to haunt around here a little more. And I am definitely not a "Committee of One" in expressing that sentiment!
You are truly an exceptional man ~ the world needs far more like you!
Please don't be a stranger, Kind Sir, as the rest of us would greatly suffer from your noted absence here. May our Lord and Saviour truly continue to bless you and yours!
If we take a poll, I am sure you will be the poster who has made the maximum number of TAM viewers cry.
You will be one who has made the maximum number of us smile too.
And I wager that miraculously, your x-wife will have the empathy of the maximum number of people here too – an honour that very few WWs are bestowed here.
Your story (yours and your x-wife’s) really reads like a Greek tragedy, told simply in modern-day terms.
And people like you, Sir, are the real Alpha Males – not those pheromone-driven primates in suits.
If we take a poll, I am sure you will be the poster who has made the maximum number of TAM viewers cry.
You will be one who has made the maximum number of us smile too.
And I wager that miraculously, your x-wife will have the empathy of the maximum number of people here too – an honour that very few WWs are bestowed here.
Your story (yours and your x-wife’s) really reads like a Greek tragedy, told simply in modern-day terms.
And people like you, Sir, are the real Alpha Males – not those pheromone-driven primates in suits.
If we take a poll, I am sure you will be the poster who has made the maximum number of TAM viewers cry.
You will be one who has made the maximum number of us smile too.
And I wager that ironically, your ex-wife will have the empathy of the maximum number of people here too – an honour that very few WWs are bestowed here.
Your story (you and your ex-wife’s) really reads like a Greek tragedy, told simply in modern-day terms.
And people like you, Sir, are the real Alpha Males – not those pheromone-driven primates in suits.
Glad to have known you.
May beautiful things happen to you.
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