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Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do

107K views 255 replies 74 participants last post by  carpenoctem 
#1 ·
I hope this is the right thread to post my story. My ex wife and I have been divorced for more than 3 years now. Last night, I received a call from a mutual friend who informed me that my ex wife is critically ill in ICU for the past few days.

The thing is that I have not contacted her ever since we got divorced. We do not communicate at all. My friend just thought that I should know. Now, I am caught in a dilemma as to whether I should visit my ex or not. I have gone NC with her for so long and now to show up all of a sudden, it may complicate matters. Furthermore, I lived about 8 hours from her. Ever since we broke up, I have detached myself from her and moved out from the town that we used to live in.

Just a short background on our relationship:

We were married for about 8 years. We didn’t have any children, so that makes the divorce easier. We were both career minded people and the divorce was not financially difficult for both of us. We just split up everything equally and move on with our own life.

My wife had an EA with a co-worker. Even when she was having an EA, I did not suspect anything as we were getting along just fine. We still had our weekly romantic dinners, we went to the movies and the lovemaking then was simply incredible. However, knowing my wife, she has always been honest with me about everything. One day, she sat me down and told me about her EA. She told me that she was falling for her co-worker (OM) and they have not done anything physical yet. She did not intend to go any further in the relationship with the OM until she gets a divorce from me. That was the first time she mentioned the D word. I was devastated. I asked her what I have done wrong as her husband. She actually consoled me and said I have done nothing wrong. It was her who had wronged me. She said she just couldn’t help falling in love with the OM. I suggested MC for us but she told me that was no point as she didn’t want to remain married and didn’t want to hurt me any further.

From then on, I knew she had made up her mind and I decided to detach myself from her. Like I said, she has always been honest and good to me. To the very last day when I saw her, she gave me a long and affectionate hug. She was tearful and so was I. We said our goodbyes and we left amicably after that.

It has been 3 years now and suddenly I get this sort of phone call. I am still torn as to whether I should go to visit her or not. To be honest, I am not too keen to see my ex-in laws or even the OM (or possibly her husband now). Anyone in TAM has gone through this before? Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.
 
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#7 ·
I differ.

You were married for 8 years. She had a decent exit from the marriage. You know she was honest with you. She told you that she fell in love with her coworker and nothing physical happened while she was in marriage with you.

I see nothing wrong in you seeing her. Wish her good health and be warm to her. Visit.

You will be a different person to her now. And she will be a different person to you by now.
 
#8 ·
You see, the thing is that if I go, the situation might be rather awkward and I may feel emotionally hurt seeing her again. If I don't go, I might regret it for the rest of my life. From what my friend told me, she is unconscious and has been that way for the last few days. So, sending her a card is not really the answer.

I guess I just have to make a decision sooner or later. Furthermore, I have just started going out with this lady about a month ago and I have not told her yet. We are still in the dating stage, so things might get a bit complicated with this turn of the event.
 
#15 ·
This is actually difficult, while the other posters gave sound advice I personally think you should visit.

Bar the EA she was a good and honest woman whom you shared 8 years with. It sounds like you've moved on emotionally and seeing as your main concern is her relatives not specifically reigniting any old feelings, it wouldn't hurt if you visited, it's just an affable thing to do.

But that's just my personal opinion and I don't feel too strongly eitherway.
 
#17 ·
Your split was amicable and even though it hurt you both, she did right by you in telling you up front about her intentions rather than having a full on affair and lying to you about it all. That in mind, I don't think it would be harmful for you to see her. If she is critically ill and possibly dying, then I think it'd be good for you to see her and wish her well because it might give both of you a sense of closure.
 
#21 ·
You misunderstand Jibril, what he meant was if she was in intermittent contact with OP then visiting her would have been the right thing to do but they're practically strangers now so I don't see any reason for his going there

Having said that I don't think there would be any harm in doing just that, maybe go there and talk about all the laughs and fun times you shared, just getting her in a good mood. Nice thing to do for someone you knew
 
#24 ·
Well then its only right for you to go there and seek some closure as someone said, bury the past indifference. Better for your immortal soul:))) No honestly now i think you should be kind to her, she's not got a long time left on this planet. She may well have some regrets that she'd like to atone for
 
#29 · (Edited)
If she has cancer, and is already unconscious, she probably won't make it long enough for you to make the trip anyway. 72 hours is about the longest she will live while after slipping into a coma. If she is in the 'death rattle' it means she is brain dead and has 24 hours at the most at that point (the noisy breathing is because they are brain dead and no longer have the natural reaction of clearing the phlegm from their throat).

I see no reason why you should have any regrets or guilt about not visiting. You will have to find a way to come to terms with your not responding to her emails. I would bet she totally understood why though. A 16 hour round trip is a long way to see someone who did you like she did, when she won't even know that you are there. Her family WILL be there by her side, and they will be devastated by the impending loss of her. Trust me, that alone will be such a tragic, shattering experience, its just not a scene you want to take part in if you don't absolutely need to.
 
#31 ·
My first thought was no way, but after reading she's in an advanced stage of cancer and she's sent an occasional email or so, I agree with the others that say you should go. If for nothing else but your peace of mind.

BTW, did she have this cancer before you divorced?
 
#32 ·
In this dilemma, I think that the greater weight should be given to seeing her. Provided that you are still on good terms with her family, which I'm very sure that you are.

If you don't see her and she eventually succumbs, then you will truly feel more awful and your conscience might well hurt you. She seemed to be up front with your marriage closure and you did celebrate a few good and loving years together.

Truth be known, if the the shoe was on the other foot, would she come see you if you were terminally ill? I really think that she would!

In any event, there is discernible pain present in both scenarios of going and not going. But deep-down, I think that your going to see her is the noble, loving, and Christian way of letting her know that you, for one fleeting moment in time, shared something special with her. Go see her, but leave when you absolutely feel that you must!

My prayers go with you, my friend! May God truly bless you!
 
#33 ·
I can understand why you were hurt and wanted not to be friends with her. But it sounded like she was an honest person. You marriage did not survive but it sounds like she did not stop caring about you or thinking about you.

Go to her before she dies. Whisper in her ear that you were hurt that she fell in love with someone slse. But thank her for being honest with you and for the love your shared for 8 yrs. tell her that she should go with an easy mind, you forgive her and you are greatful for her honesty and her offer of friendship. She will hear you and it may comfort her to know you are alright. Go.
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#42 ·
No, my ego is alright. But, I think folks are ignoring the fact that she cheated for who knows how long, thus robbing this guy of time and opportunities.
Now, if he mentioned she had apologized and acknowledged the transgression, that might make a difference. but, I saw nothing showing she had remorse about the cheating.
 
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