This guy is no way near being a friend. He is using you, so he can have sex with your wife.
This is a start of an emotional affair, which very well could lead to a physical affair. You need to put your foot down now and stop contact. If your wife blows up at you and is very defensive, there's more going on then you know. Either way, this is an affair. Your wife is not working towards a better marriage taking to other men, especially ones who tell her to leave you. If this were me, I'd leave. I don't put up with this. My ex h cheated on me and I left the day he tried sleeping with my friend. I will not put fourth any effort into someone who betrays me.
Both my husband and I do not have "friends" of the opposite sex. It's worked out well for the last 12 years.
Hi, i found the site while googling and i have few questions
5 days go i used my wife's laptop while she was going to her parents house and i read the chat she forgot to close between her and my uni mate. He and I never that close or hang together but we know each other.
I was surprised to find how close they are. Like,
* he told her about what he does (its considered as kinda illegal so you wont tell anyone you dont trust)
* he called her princess
* she told him about our marriage problem
* he told her that if he was her, he would leave me
* he told her she can stay at his place if she want
* and messages like "do you miss me?" or "what youve been doing all day?"
I really dont get it ? He knows shes married to me but why he doesnt help us fixing our problem instead of saying that my wife should leave me? I mean my wife trust him and he is her friend (i never knew they were that close until i read the chat). Doesnt he want us to be happy
I kinda think he likes her a bit too much.
Dude, I know you are new here, but don't be naive. This guy is not to be trusted and is making a serious play for your wife. There's no 'kinda' or 'sort of' about it.
She's equally to blame. She has no business confiding her marital woes to another man, and that's what most marriage counselors will tell you. Alot of men perceive that as a green light to move in on a woman. You need to talk to her even if she is in a bad mood. Ask her why she is in a bad mood, and what you can do to help. Tell her if she has problems with the marriage, the two of you need to sit down and discuss them together and she should NOT be discussing your problems with another man.
If he was your friend he woulda been telling you way ahead of time that your wife is unhappy etc etc, but no he's trying to be her knight in white armor riding in on his high horse. Dude he is after her BIG TIME!!!
Read some of entropy3000 posts reagarding EA's ...and like bandit said dont be afaraid to let this so called friend know what a piece of SHAT he really is and your not afriad of getting silly on his ass and you would possibly knock him off his high horse!
PS Bandit.45 so gald your back, your needed at TAM.
It will be early to conclude right away that she is cheating...
From what you have said about your friend, he is eying and luring your wife. There is no doubt.
As far as your wife is concerned, I wonder she has not told you about your friend's chat messages? There may be problems in your marriage. But that should not be a problem for your wife to hide those things from you.
Others have suggested you need to do investigative work. In fact, you should have started wearing your detective hat much earlier.
If you dont end this, your marriage is on the path to end.
"Just friends". In your gut, you know better. This is an EA (Emotional Affair). Please. Take the advice of those that have suffered through this here. We know.
There is no reasons in the world for her to be confiding her marital issue with another man who has offered her a place to stay.
Confront and put a stop to it---and do not let her use the friend answer---he is trying to get her away from you, and break up the mge
Ask her point blank---"do you want out of the mge"---based on her answer---go from there
If she says she wants to stay with you---then you tell her she goes NC, immediately---your beef is with your wife---she is the one who will chose to/not honor her vows.
What i dont understand is, how can they like each other if its only through chat?
From your posts I get the impression they've already met.You're the common denominator here and him asking do you miss me implies more than chat imo.You say you don't know when she might see him,but you also say she goes out for coffee,to her parents house and I assume other places.If cheating,she's not going to tell you where she's really going.Cheaters find a way.
Thanks for everyone for the reply i cannot really reply because its weekend and i dont want her to find out.
I did some more diggings while she was out for coffee. And i found out more messages like "dont tell your husband that im asking you to move in with me" cause he would feel bad, but he just want to be there when things go bad and my wife needs a place to stay.
And yes i now believe that he actually likes her (or just wanna sleep with her only God knows). What i dont understand is, how can they like each other if its only through chat? have anyone ever experiencing (or know someone) affair started from chatting?
So what should i do next? Should i confront her? She might deny it saying they are just friends. From the messages i read, he tried to be objective though saying he cant really judge cause he only know her side of story.
Read my first thread...in my signature.
How can they like each other if it's only thru chat?
1. He tells her what she wants to hear.
2. She hangs on those words, as a lifeline, of sorts.
3.They don't see the day to day struggles of each other.
4. They both put their best foot forward when talking to each other.
How can they like each other when it is only chatting? The same way my husband liked the OW who was 1000+ miles away. The same way I liked the OM who was 1000+ miles away. They told us what we wanted to hear. It was an escape from real life, the problems that cropped up in our marriage.
If their relationship (and yes, it IS a relationship) has not gone PA (YET)... it is, at the very least, and EA.
He's telling her what she wants to hear...reeling her in. And she's bitten. I've no doubt that it all started innocently enough. So did mine. So did my husband's. But it has crossed over, of t hat you can be sure. They are not just friends. And, I doubt it is "just chatting".
I tried to talk to her (because she doesnt look happy lately) but she just always in a bad mood towards me. Its hard for me...
Huge red flag. This indicates that she's already emotionally invested in him and is justifying her affair to herself. People in an affair almost always do that, my own fWW did it too. They pick fights with the BS (You) so cover up their guilt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesHeLikeHer
I dont think they met up already. Well, im working everyday during the day when she is at home chatting to him (if they meet up, they wouldnt be chatting). I checked the phone but i found no text at all from him. Only a very tiny bit on Fb like "where are you?" "wake up yet?"
Don't be naive. Even if they met up, the more they would be chatting. Once people are in love, or in the fog as waywards are, they need that constant attention from each other. Think of the time when you were still dating her, even though you met up with her, the more you would be contacting her because you can't get enough of her.
You need to install Fchat. This will allow you to recover the chats that they've been having.
I did some more diggings while she was out for coffee. And i found out more messages like "dont tell your husband that im asking you to move in with me" cause he would feel bad, but he just want to be there when things go bad and my wife needs a place to stay.
This right here should tell you how far its gone and how serious its become. He's asking her to move in with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesHeLikeHer
And yes i now believe that he actually likes her (or just wanna sleep with her only God knows).
He's using the friends route to get to your WW.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesHeLikeHer
What i dont understand is, how can they like each other if its only through chat? have anyone ever experiencing (or know someone) affair started from chatting?
Many affairs start this way. My fWW fell deep in love with her ex boyfriend that she reconnected with on facebook and they started out only chatting. You will find many others that had the same situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesHeLikeHer
So what should i do next? Should i confront her? She might deny it saying they are just friends. From the messages i read, he tried to be objective though saying he cant really judge cause he only know her side of story.
Yes, it's time to confront her. Be prepared for her to get angry and be indignant saying that you spied on her or snooped on her and invaded her privacy. Do not allow this. She will try to make the focal point of the argument that you invaded her privacy and she can't forgive you. This is the standard response that cheater do when confronted.
Tell her because of her behavior you had the right to check on her and protect your marriage. What she wants is secrecy, not privacy. Privacy is when you shut the bathroom door. There's no room for secrecy in a marriage. If she wanted that, then she shouldn't be married.
She will of course tell you he's just a friend. Don't fall for that. That's THE most common lie that waywards use. Friends don't ask someone who's married to move in with them.
And you also see that she's demonizing you to him. That's all part of the affair. F-102 posted an excellent table about how these emotional affairs progress and end marriages:
Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102
It may have gone something like this:
They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"
Then it would have morphed into talk about:
What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...
...get the picture?
I can tell you this: my fWW went thru this progression almost to a T.
if you have not contacted your wife then 1 stop print what you can and expose right now. 2 be prepared to be lied to and for TRICKLE TRUTH. 3 DON'T RUG SWEEP THIS IS AUDACIOUS. 4. have your wife go NC , she needs to send the message not you,or kick her out. 5 expose to her family , friends, and anyone else who wil listen.
stop waiting and act time is critical as they could be escalating behind your back right now. Posted via Mobile Device
Hi, i found the site while googling and i have few questions
5 days go i used my wife's laptop while she was going to her parents house and i read the chat she forgot to close between her and my uni mate. He and I never that close or hang together but we know each other.
I was surprised to find how close they are. Like,
* he told her about what he does (its considered as kinda illegal so you wont tell anyone you dont trust)
* he called her princess
* she told him about our marriage problem
* he told her that if he was her, he would leave me
* he told her she can stay at his place if she want
* and messages like "do you miss me?" or "what youve been doing all day?"
I really dont get it ? He knows shes married to me but why he doesnt help us fixing our problem instead of saying that my wife should leave me? I mean my wife trust him and he is her friend (i never knew they were that close until i read the chat). Doesnt he want us to be happy
I kinda think he likes her a bit too much.
I printed out all of the emails and chats and laid them on the bed. I suspected when my husband would minimize his chats with the OW that there was "secrecy" and not privacy. He was rabid about his privacy. He was "working late" and taking OW out for drinks. They went on a billion holding hands walks on the beach at lunch time (he worked with her for four years). He wanted to fly to Equador with her on one of her cases, but his work would not allow it. What would have happened then, I can only guess. He would get calls in the middle of the night saying she was too drunk to drive from other coworkers, and he would drive her home. He picked her up from the airport in the middle of the night when she returned from Equador. I asked him, "Do I have anything to be concerned about here?"
"No. She is just a friend. I will tell you when you have something to worry about. Who would be interested in a guy like me, anyway?" he would assure me.
So I lay on the bed, sick, head spinning, waiting for him to come home, with all the chat and emails printed out. He walks in, finds me upstairs and I ask him, "Can you explain this?"
He starts to read the texts, and I watch the blood drain from his face. "I am sorry you had to see this." is all he said.
"If you want out of this marriage, you should have had the respect for me that I thought you had, and let me know." I said.
"I don't love her. I love you." was his reply.
"People don't treat people they love like this." I say.
"Nothing was going to happen. It was just talk. We both don't mean it." he responds.
Then two weeks later I read that he is writing to another old friend that is just pushing him to get together, referring to me as the "little wife". He says he wishes he had a divorced idiot. He asks her if a married guy got together for sex with another married woman, just because they are perfect for eachother sexually, but wanted to stay married, would she think less of him?"
So it was not just talk. I told him I will grant his wish and be a "divorced idiot". Then he gets nasty. "Don't I have any privacy?!"
"No, not anymore you don't. Not to hook up with other women on our computer, in our home. While I lay sleeping in our house with our children." I said.
Print everything out and confront your wife. Let her get nasty. She is backed in a corner, expect it. Hardline it for her. Complete transparency, no more facebook account, monitor all phone messages and write out a cut off letter or text to OM and have you read and approve it before you witness her sending it to him.
I had to write the cutoff letter to the OW. He was still keeping her around. He decided that they could still just be casual friends. She was fishing and fishing for a re-hookup. They were planning a get together. He was asking her if she was nervous? EA to PA.
There is a work party in two weeks from now that he has not told me about. A coworker called me on the sly to tell me about it, and that the OW, who does not work there anymore, will be attending. If in two weeks he tells me he has to work late or get together with the gang after work for drinks, I will say "okay". Then I will show up there and tell him I will see him in court. We are done.
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Re: Does my friend like my wife? 
