Originally Posted by canttrustu
thats been my argument all along. WHY even get started? You had a point in the beginning when you knew what was happening and you could have stopped, you werent in the fog yet, but you chose not to stop. That was a choice not an addiction just yet. The time to not get addicted to the drug is BEFORE you do it. Everyone knows that but cheaters think they are special-they can deal with it. They are in control.
Okay let me see if I can give you a brief step-by-step on my situation which was, I think, somewhat typical.
I was approaching 40's, Dear Hubby was mid-40's.
I had a miscarriage about 1/2 way through the pregnancy.
We both mourned: him by withdrawing, me by turning to him and he wasn't there
We had medical testing and found we couldn't get pregnant.
We both mourned more. He pulled away more; I felt even more abandoned.
He soothed some of his pain by playing a certain game on his own.
I felt like in order to get his attention I had to set myself on fire and then I'd get "huh?" ***SOOOO... I decided I would play this other game that I enjoyed on my own. ****
(THIS I think -now- was the pivotal key, but more on that in a bit.)
Nothing wrong with that right? He plays something he enjoys; I play something I enjoy. Healthy individuals have separate interests.
I play my game, and am very good at it so I enjoy it.
I try to keep Dear Hubby 'in the loop' with what I'm doing and with who, and he seems bored by it (like I'm taking his time)
I just play and include him less...and less...
I have no intention whatsoever of anything--just having fun.
A male person who also played the game, noticed *me*
The male person noticed my skill and said I was a good player (and I was)...but the difference is that he took the time to notice and Dear Hubby did not.
The male person indicated he enjoyed playing with me because I was good.
Then one day, the male person sort of went FULL BORE and said all this stuff that was really, REALLY complimentary. Not sexy but more like "You are the smartest person and such a joy to talk to! Not just in the game either but in real life!"
I was gobsmacked. And after that I was hooked.
Now, if you were living that and experiencing it IN THE MOMENT would your head be able to say: "Ah here is the moment where I am starting an affair. I'm going to stop before I start"
??? Do you see such a moment? You might say "Well when the male person noticed my skill and commented." Sooooo...if I do good work at work and my boss is a male person, and he comments "You did some really good work there"....I've started an affair? Should I stop work? Quit my job? Or not? It's a statement of fact.
Now, here's the answer upon a great deal of personal review looking back on it. I believe the pivotal point, looking back on it, was when I decided I would play this other game that I enjoyed on my own
. Know why? Because of two reasons: 1) the intent of playing the game was not necessarily to EXCLUDE Dear Hubby but it sure didn't INCLUDE
him!!! and 2) the intent of playing the game was to get my needs met by people/means other than Dear Hubby. That is to say, I had tried to share my feelings with Dear Hubby and get time and attention from him, but he wasn't in that place in his head...so I thought if I played and did a good job that the team I was on would notice, say something, make me feel good, etc. Right? The main, deep-down issue, though, is that by doing that--I was turning to OTHERS to have needs of being noticed, hearing positive things, helping me feel wanted. Now I *intended* to be a great player and have the team say "WOW we want you on our team!" or "You are a great healer--come play with us" and even if I wasn't #1 I'd contribute in a positive way.... However, that's still "getting needs met" and it went places I had not considered -- but since I hadn't considered them I also did NOT have a defense ready!!
Now I know a couple of things:
1) Turn to Dear Hubby and Dear Hubby only to have my needs met. Not work. Not friends. Not any other way.
2) I have to put up protections to defend against attacks. Hey I can come on this forum and be friendly etc. and someone could PM and try to start something up! I have to have a defense!
3) Do not participate in things that may not "exclude" Dear Hubby but don't INCLUDE HIM. To me I just made a personal rule, if he's not included I just don't do it.
Finally, this sort of statement:
...Everyone knows that but cheaters think they are special-they can deal with it. They are in control...
Please do not lump "all cheaters" into one group and then say something derogatory. Okay maybe YOUR cheater thought that, but we don't ALL think that. Not all loyal spouses are lazy and don't care enough to put any energy into their marriage --and thus no one here on TAM would say that, right? And FYI, I'm not saying MY spouse was that way either (it's an example).