That was my montra when I was going thru this sh!t..."I diserve good things"....say it with me "I diserve good things" now everybody, together "I diserve good things".
Saying this in my head helped me get thru the dark thoughts. Just be careful saying it out loud will get you some strange looks at the gas pump!
A cheater will lie to a therapist in a heartbeat. Many use therapy to prove they are committed to the marriage when in fact they are still cheating.
My sister is a psychologist and does a good bit of marriage therapy. She tells me exactly what you wrote is true. Plus, the cheater will admit in IC to still cheating or to much more than the BS knows, but then in joint MC session will lie to the BS. This puts the therapist in the middle because of confidentiality she cannot reveal what was told in IC. The goal then is to get the cheating spouse to confess to the BS.
In any case, therapy does not guarantee truth. It should be a safe place to discuss things, though I found it was not for us. Try MC, it may be helpful, but don't expect miracles.
The polygraph, and more specifically the threat of the polygraph, is the best way to get the truth from her. Spy tech is the other method which works.
Seems with most folks here, this ended in divorce or will shortly. Don't know if I've heard from anyone that reconciled and how life has been since. Guess there's no statistics, but do you think there's anyone out there who survives this hell, stays together, and lives (almost) happily ever after, or is this generally the end of the road? I thought the therapy route was to get more truth out of her, answer the "why she did it" questions, and to help me cope with it, get my life back together and learn to try and trust her again. Am I already looking for the wrong things from therapy I haven't even started yet?
The stats show that a small number of marriages survive and EA/Pa.
No one, however, knows for sure how happy or unhappy the loyal spouse is going forward. Only they do and too many times they put on a happy face while crying on the inside.
A life of distrust and checking up on a spouse is not worth it to me.
Based on what I read here there are plenty of people who never cheated and never want to cheat.
Everything Larry knows about the affair, all the details, come from his wife.
Larry you need to assume that maybe only 25% of what she told you is the truth. You need to verify (to the best of your ability and resources) everything she has told you:
The OMs name, the make of his truck, where they met, how they met, if they called or texted, were there e-mails..... everything.
Totally agree. Larry, you're doing fine. Ups, downs, mistakes, changes, good plays, bad plays, whatever. You need more time to process all of this, but don't do it by jumping into reconciliation because it 'feels so right'. We get that. Seriously. The realization that your wife of many years could actually betray you this way is a massive shock. I'd venture to say it was absolutely unbelievable for every one of us. I had that shock after only 8 years. But it threw my reality for a spin. I was so mentally engrained in the life I had planned with my ex that it was a complete shift in thinking to stand up for myself and make the hard call instead of trying to prop up that planned future when deep down I knew it wouldn't be able to happen now.
For me, it was when I asked her point blank questions which I already knew the answer to, and she lied without batting an eye - to my face. Would this change things for you? It did for me. To do this you need proof. I found it in her deleted texts. You need a truth which she isn't giving you. Find it on your own. Absolutely hire the PI. Even ask them to look into any local leads that they may find - it'll cost more than $75 but they can get things we can't (I think the 20-25 Dunkin Donuts visits story is total BS - and the name she gave for him will probably return nothing).
Please sync her iPhone and look for the deleted texts in the backup folder. Realize that things have changed for real. And you can play it however you want. She may seem really sweet to you right now, crying and being all 'sorry'...but think about the real deal here. All each of us has is our self-respect. If that's gone, life blows. So IF she gives you a reason to respect yourself for taking her back, by all means go for it and enjoy. Mine didn't. And I don't regret dumping her for a second.
Your wife's story is the biggest pile of crap...and looking back to the progression I went through dealing with my xw's infidelity, if I were in your shoes I'd wanna buy it too...but from a black and white perspective...Sorry...it's total BS. You...need...another...source...of...information. Not to 'stick it to her', but to know what the hell decisions you are making, and why.
And definitely go to the gym like a mad man, my friend. Now is a good time. You'll be fine.
Your wife's story is the biggest pile of crap...and looking back to the progression I went through dealing with my xw's infidelity, if I were in your shoes I'd wanna buy it too...but from a black and white perspective...Sorry...it's total BS. You...need...another...source...of...information. Not to 'stick it to her', but to know what the hell decisions you are making, and why.
Shamwow, I agree with your whole post. The part I quoted deserves an extension, which is that we can know something just because we know it. That is, we don't need CSI level scientific proof to know something. I suspect you are correct that the wife's story is a load of crap, and I agree that Larry should aggressively seek independent confirmation of facts. But the truth may never be clearly established by hard data. In that case it is fully acceptable to go with your gut on what you know.
You can know something just because you know it in your gut.
Well, the good news is I just got the results from a battery of blood tests I had done last Friday. My blood work came back great with slightly elevated cholesterol and LDL. The bad news is, the results for Herpes 2 are still pending, and due to the holiday, I probably won't get the results until Thursday. Other good news, is all other STD's besides Herpes I & II tested negative.
Well, the good news is I just got the results from a battery of blood tests I had done last Friday. My blood work came back great with slightly elevated cholesterol and LDL. The bad news is, the results for Herpes 2 are still pending, and due to the holiday, I probably won't get the results until Thursday. Other good news, is all other STD's besides Herpes I & II tested negative.
Time will tell.....
Good to hear. Take some fish oil and use olive or grape seed oil to cook with and the cholesterol will come down. I have the same problem.
Good luck with the blood tests...I hope they come out OK. I just went to get tested for all that stuff due to my unfaithful WH and hope all comes out ok too.
By the grace of God, or just dumb luck, my blood test came back negative this morning for Herpes 2. Nice to get a little break in this rather bad situation. Whew......
Have you been able to uncover any more info on the WW's OM? I would make R contingent on her spilling her guts and giving you everything: his real name, address and phone #.
I think its someone local and I think you know him.
By the grace of God, or just dumb luck, my blood test came back negative this morning for Herpes 2. Nice to get a little break in this rather bad situation. Whew......
Well, good fortune smiles upon you. Unless you have given up sex already, try to find another woman just as clean.
I brought her to the marina yesterday and she showed me where they parked, and how far she got when she walked away before she got back into his truck for the ride back. I also met with the manager of the Dunkin' Donuts to see if I could see them on the store's video surveillance system. Unfortunately they use a DVR system which overwrites the videos every 2 weeks. I checked her cell phone records (not a smart phone) going back from September through December and see no incoming or outgoing calls to the number she gave me, whether its an accurate number or not. After hours and hours of grilling her story hasn't even waivered. I have gone over every detail, repeating the story bit by bit, and step by ugly step to see if there would be any change or inconsistencies, and pressed her for endless hours, waking her up in the middle of the night, and keeping her up until morning. I have brought her to the point of horrible sobbing, and deep large tears. She did tell me when she got home that afternoon, she felt so disgusted that she threw her underwear in the garbage. She also gave me some details of how she actually got undressed in the truck. How while she was straddling him, she reached back and took off one shoe. Then stood up on one leg and pulled down the other leg. I even went as far as to have her sit on me and demostrate how it all went down. Some more stuff too, but everything seems to make sense and appears pretty logical. I know you all might not like hearing it, but I'm leaning more towards believing that she's told me everything, rather than still hiding anything. She swears she hardly touched his 'parts' as her arm couldn't bend backwards while sitting on him, and she absolutely insists she never went down on him either. She said the kissing and carressing really felt 'passionate' and she just lost control after that. I've tried to get her to tell me every minute detail of their meetings, but he didn't tell her much. She says she did most of the talking and he did all the listening, and that was why she liked him so much and thought he was becoming a good friend. I really think she got played by a pro and let it get the best of her.
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Re: I need help really, really bad. 
