Larry2626 you are aware that even with a condom there is a high chance of you getting that Herpes don't you? You don't have it now but due to how the disease manifest itself you can catch it quite easily. Get some medical advice on this.
Larry2626 you are aware that even with a condom there is a high chance of you getting that Herpes don't you? You don't have it now but due to how the disease manifest itself you can catch it quite easily. Get some medical advice on this.
Or, do a lot of internet research. Google can be a good friend.
Larry2626 you are aware that even with a condom there is a high chance of you getting that Herpes don't you? You don't have it now but due to how the disease manifest itself you can catch it quite easily. Get some medical advice on this.
Not entirely true...and this is an "IF" here...his wife is honest with him. Listen, she knew something was "up" or she'd have not gone in for the test. She had symptoms. She needs to be aware of these symptoms at the onset of symptoms. If she is so, and gets on anti-viral meds, and abstains from sex when she feels the very first onset of symptoms, the chances of her passing it to him in a year of unprotected sex....4 percent I believe it was. If they use the above awarness, abstention, and meds, AND use a condom, it cuts it to 2 percent chance in a year.
Condoms do not cover all areas, and will only decrease chances.
Now, seeing that roughly 1/4 of the population carries HSV2, with many of them not even aware they have it because they have no symptoms and have not been tested, his chances of catching it from someone else (considering they'll not want to be forthcoming about it or do not even know they have it) is much greater. Even with condom use every single time, the chance of catching it from someone who will not tell you they're having symptoms is FAR greater than having sex with an HSV2 infected person without condoms who is on meds and abstains from sex during the times there are any symptoms or outbreaks.
Believe me, I think I'm fairly accurate on the numbers and chances. I thought I had acquired it years ago, and me being the "master of research" had myself convinced I had it, and started researching how it would affect my life and that of any prospective partner. I was shocked at just how low the chances were of getting it from someone who has it in a stable relationship when precautions, meds, and abstention at the appropriate times are taken.
Don't throw away a marriage because of this if it is salvageable, because one out of every 4 women you meet from here on out has it. How many of them will tell you the truth about it, and out of those, how many of them can you have a workable relationship with?
My W has HSV1 (primarily oral, which something like 70% of the population has), and I do not. In 6 years, I've still not caught it. Because when she feels the symptoms coming on, we do not kiss or have oral sex (her to me) until they symptoms go away, or her outbreak has healed. I've "survived" so far, about a dozen of her outbreaks because she tells me immediately if she even thinks she is having symptoms.
I think it is good not to make any decision right now and see how counselling goes for you and your wife.
I am pro R but even I have to say she is still lying about something.
She at first cannot remember the number, She at first cannot remember his name.
It is that trickle truthing that tells the experiences BS's that there is more to come.
But like I said it is your choice to make and I think it is great that you still love your wife and do not want to tear your family apart.
Time is on your side. Use it well to see if you both can heal.
And keep your ears open because there is no doubt you will hear more to the story.
There are a few TAMer's on here that have reconciled and done it well. I am sure in time you will know in your heart what you need to do concerning your marriage.
You're right. I really wasn't trying to compare smoking to cheating. I was trying to compare a lie to a lie, but that's not even a close comparison. The severity of the crime and betrayal blows away anythig else. Sorry for the dumb comparison. I hope my new life ahead with her is better than the old one. Obviously I can't predict now about mood swings and arguements in the future. I can only hope for the best. We'll see if the MC can offer any help at all. For all I know that will be a dead end, and then my decision might be made for me.
Trickle truths and inconsistencies....
11 days after finding out, and 2 days before therapy starts, I'm still digging and little inconsistencies are popping up. Am I digging too deep, and should these "little" facts be bothering me or are they meaningless and insignificant?
(1) I've asked her hundreds of times what she was wearing that day. She told me over and over again, just a zip up sweatshirt and a spaghetti strap shirt. I thought about her bra. It was never mentioned. She always wears sports bras. She says she was wearing one that day, and he pulled it down over her shoulders when he pulled down her shirt. Just forgot to tell me about it as she didn't think it was important.
(2) She says while she was straddling him, he unzipped his fly, put her hand down there and put her hand on his parts, but she barely touched his 'parts' as she really couldn't reach it, with her hands turned backwards facing him. Last night, I had her demonstrate on my lap in the back of her truck, that if that were true, she couldn't even have seen his penis much less touch it, as it would still be tucked under him, and inside his underwear. The only way she could have touched his privates, is if his pants were pulled down at least over his thighs or to his knees, not simply "unzipped"; then he'd be fully exposed, and probably stiff by then. (Try it yourself if you don't believe me and have too much time on your hands, like I do!). I did multiple times, and just unzipping your fly is not enough to expose your parts, especially if you're sitting down.
(3) She says over and over that she never 'stroked' his thing, just lightly touched it for a second or two, as she couldn't physically reach down there between the two of them as their bodies were too close. Once again (to my digust), I pulled my 'thing' out last night while she straddled me, and she could reach it plenty good, as was able to stroke it with no problem. In the heat of passion, I don't believe that any woman would just 'barely' touch it. I think she would give it a good long massage. I'm not a woman, so I can't say that for a fact, but it just seems to make sense to me.
(4) She says she never saw his parts, or may have caught a 'quick glance' at it. Well, if as I say is true and he was now sitting with his pants and underwear down near his bent knees, with his parts erect, she would have a pretty damned good view of him down there, especially as she stood partially up to get her own pants down. With all that undressing going on, in such a limited space, I find it hard to believe she wasn't able to see it. More so, I can't believe she wouldn't want to see it. It would be so exciting, why pass on such a great opportunity?
Again, except for exposing more holes in the story, do these inconsistencies mean anything, or is it mostly feasible that after a 9 month old event, she actually did forget some of the details, and they're only coming out by examining every minute under a microscope?
Should I keep pounding her for details, or give it a rest and see what the counselor can do for me and for us?
Give yourself some rest from all this. Some of what she says may be true, and some not. There is no way to know right now. That is the thing, there is no way to know. Your brain is now preloaded to see lies, for good reason, but still you are not going to be impartial or even rational in your analysis.
Get lots of exercise to burn off some of this anxiety.
I agree with Shamwow. The dates and the EA are the most hurtful part of this.
I think she is lying about the sex. 10 seconds of penetration doesn't seem like it would be enough for her to get fullblown herpes. I think they had full-on intercourse for at least several minutes.
My guess is that she is so scared you will divorce her that she has walled herself up in a castle of lies and doesn't even know what is a real memory or what is a lie.
Trickle truths and inconsistencies....
11 days after finding out, and 2 days before therapy starts, I'm still digging and little inconsistencies are popping up. Am I digging too deep, and should these "little" facts be bothering me or are they meaningless and insignificant?
Should I keep pounding her for details, or give it a rest and see what the counselor can do for me and for us?
Thanks.
Often times it is the "little" facts that expose a lie. It's all in the details that she claims to have remembered and to which you have pointed out, are impossible.
That being said, the "act" itself was what it was, resulting in a permanent reminder that your wife was unfaithful. The details and the truth, in the scheme of things, won't make much difference in the results. The results remain the same.
If your intent is to get at the truth about the affair as a whole, then I would suggest you question more about what lead to the "act". For example, the details in conversations that she had with the OM, what she knows about him, what she told him, what he told her and why, at any given point in that relationship, did she not back off from this OM, and why she waited (as she claims) until the "act" itself to suddenly realize that she loves you. You see, it's my opinion that this part of the story, while convenient for her, makes no sense.
I don't know what the counselor can do for you. Maybe help, maybe not. A WS can lie to a counselor just as easily as lying to a spouse.
This is certainly a difficult time for you. Most of us have "been there" to a certain extent, as the betrayal cuts to the core of the marital relationship even though the details may be different in each of our cases. But one thing remains central to all of our collective experiences. We should be able to get the full truth out of our WSs on all questions asked. A truly remorseful spouse will tell the full truth and not simply a "version" of the truth just to appease us.
So, when a "version" of the truth just doesn't make sense, then it probably is not the truth, which then begs the question, why this particular "version" of the truth is chosen by the WS to be told.
When you are at counselling with your wife please remember to tell her this:
Your own words and I think she needs to hear them,
Quote:
Although I still feel like my best friend, my only confidant, my anchor when the rest of the world caved in on me, is now gone. I felt like I could write my own obituary about my marriage dying. A big piece of me is now gone, and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Puts all the other crap in my life in perspective, for sure.
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Re: I need help really, really bad. 
