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I need help really, really bad.

121K views 356 replies 92 participants last post by  IIJokerII 
#1 ·
I'm 52 years old, have been married for 30 years and have 4 kids (8,10,12 & 14). Never cheated on my wife once ever. Lied to her about stopping smoking many times, stare at attractive women once in a while, but never, ever touched. My wife has been home many years raising our kids while I worked. She recently got a job as a school crossing guard, and all of a sudden has developed a social life again.
Yesterday, she dropped the bomb shell on me. She met a guy last September, started off casually with coffee at the diner for 4-5 weeks, a few days a week. Last get together, they jumped in his truck took a ride. Kissing, touching led to unprotected sex. She says she cried as soon as they got intimate and stopped doing it very quickly, at which point the guy yelled at her "why'd you start something you couldn't finish?". He had giver her a TracPhone which she eventually gave back so they could call each other and set up meetings without me knowing about it. Since this ended back end of last year, he disappeared. Can't find him by name, and he was on Long Island for work and had North Carolina plates. Said he loved her and wanted her to leave me. Things haven't always been good with us, normal marriage issues over the years, but never like this. She says this is the first and only time she's ever been with another guy since she met me. To make things worse, she now tested positive for Herpes 2, which I got tested for this morning and am awaiting results.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, and have a lot of mixed emotions. Don't know if I'm more mad at the picture in my mind of them having sex in the back of his Denali, or the fact that she now has a disease she may have given me. It disgusts me to picture her naked with another guy, and all the things that led up to them getting physical that day. Also mad that I may never be able to have sex with her again because of the Herpes, and can't picture myself getting intimate with her, while I'll picture them together in my mind. This whole thing really rots. I feel like if I find him I'll kill him. I'm mad, embarrassed, grossed out, depressed and a little numb. When she told me yesterday in tears, I held her close and told her people make mistakes and as long as you learn from them we can work it out. By the time I got home from work, I was very angry, took my wedding ring off, and couldn't sleep at all last night, again picturing my wife naked, touching a strange guy is killing me.
Please help with some practical advice, as my life as I knew it just fell apart.
Thanks,
Larry
 
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#4 ·
Yikes.
I'm sorry to hear you are here.

My stbxh also contracted herpes from a stranger encounter... I've been tested 3 times now and I'm okay. No sign of it, or any antibodies. That said, I am also one of the lesser population that has never had a cold sore. (that throws off the test). So I don't have herpes 1 or 2. But you can have a blood test done again in 3 months just to be sure. Hoping all goes well for you :)

I did a lot of reading, and I don't personally believe my stbxh that it was just a one time encounter, and only oral like he said. And I believe he had it for a long time before telling me, which is why he stopped having sex for a year before this happened.

But that's part of what we call trickle truth. You may not know the whole story. Yet. Or maybe never.

As for the cheating... that's a long road, and many here have been through it all. You may change your mind several times about your future, and that's okay. I hope you are able to find some help here.
 
#5 ·
Right now I just feel plain sick. I don't even want to talk to her. We had a great sex life since the beginning. Its weird picturing her 'doing it' with another guy. I always thought that was just for us. Now that she's been with another guy, I can't imagine it ever being the same again. She claims she's not a "cheap ****", and I asked her, well what kind of **** are you then? In my mind, that's the worst thing anyone can do to another person. Also, my guess is if she didn't see sores "down there" and got tested, she never would have told me about her encounter. After all, it happened in September, and she just told me about it yesterday. As a matter of fact, the night before, she did 'oral' but wouldn't let me touch her down there, probably because she was waiting for the results. Even if she had a sneaking suspicion she had something, why "do" me the night before, and maybe transmit it to me. But it goes way deeper than that. I just can't (but can) picture her helping him to get it up, and dropping her drawers in the back of his truck. Can't get the visual out of my mind no matter how hard I try. Wondering was he any good; was she comparing him to me? Was she wearing her wedding ring? All this and more keeps swirling around my head. She says as soon as they started doing it, she cried and said she loved me too much to keep going, so he pulled right out. Guess that split second was enough to give her a nice going away present. What the hell did she expect when she first got into his truck and went for a ride anyway? How did she come home afterwards and keep a straight face? Did we have sex that same night? Certainly many times since. I'm ripped apart and don't know what to do.
 
#14 ·
. She says as soon as they started doing it, she cried and said she loved me too much to keep going, so he pulled right out. Guess that split second was enough to give her a nice going away present. What the hell did she expect when she first got into his truck and went for a ride anyway? How did she come home afterwards and keep a straight face? Did we have sex that same night? Certainly many times since. I'm ripped apart and don't know what to do.
Trickle Truth. Brought her a phone too. Hmmmm

I'm so sorry you are going through this mess. Welcome to the club that NOBODY wants to be a member of. We are here for you. I can tell you this much. You don't know the whole truth yet, my friend. Please read the newbie information that someone has linked for you. It will give you insight into what to expect and what to do. Keep posting here. It really helps to vent.
 
#6 ·
I really don't think it is a good idea to tell your wife that 'people make mistakes, we will get through it'.

You are not accepting what has actually happened. She cheated on you. She needs to feel the gravity of her actions. Letting her off this easy, is pretty much giving her a free pass to do it again.

I would recommend a few things that might include:

separation for a period of time
individual counseling for her
marriage counseling for you
complete transparency including passwords to email, phone etc.

Cheating is something that will change your relationship forever. It will never go away (just like the herpes).
 
#7 ·
Wow! I'm truly sorry for what happened. I don't have any advice for you, but infidelity is my number #1 deal breaker along with abuse of any kind. I had it happen to me with my first marriage. Except I was 2 years into my marriage when I found out. It wasn't with one woman, but several. I never caught anything permanent from him, just temporary. I was purely disgusted.

I really can't imagine 30 years into a marriage and having this happen. I feel just awful for you. I do believe your wife would of kept it hidden and not tell you if it were not for the herpes. This man knew he had it and purposely spreads to other women. It's absolutely sick. I could never forgive something like this. If you can get through this, your much stronger then I. I am very firm about our boundaries, which is not much. Good luck!
 
#8 ·
This is awful, I am so sorry. I completely understand why you held her and told it would be ok, its because you love her and that is what you are used to doing when she is upset. Now you are a mess though. I would be too. If there is any hope of saving your marriage, if that is truely what you want, then she needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to make you trust her again. The saying once a cheater, always a cheater, is not too far off the truth. It is a tough cycle to break. Your trust in her will never be the same, and she will get frustrated with the constant distrust and suspicion from you. You will need to try MC for a while, this is not something that should be handled on your own. Both of you need to be ready for alot of work ahead of you. If you are not willing to put this behind you, and she is not willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back, then its probably over. I am so sorry.
 
#9 ·
Somthing's not right. Meetings, dinners, throw away phone, that's long term not a month, And they only did it once, he entered once and pulled out? She's sparing your feelings.

Post on the copping with infidelity area. You'll get good advice there, on what to do.

Don't make any life changing decisions while your emotions all over the place. Good luck.
 
#70 ·
Yes. Much more to this. Very much trickle truth.

Even beyond the sex this was over the top. She sought out someone to date. I mean how does the relate to being a crossing guard? How did that lead to this kind of social life? This seems more than bad boundaries but certainly that is true.

Consider that maybe this is just the first time you know about it because of the Herpes.
 
#11 ·
hi i am so sorry to hear your story. questions i have is 1 have you really looked into their history. 2 this was not a short term encounter. burner phones usually come in after there is suspicion from you. have you read the newbie thread and understand what trickle truth is? 3. have you read no more mister nice guy? if not then right now for yoir sanity you don't need to be nice. you need the truth. " we all make mistakes" is called rug sweeping and will not get you past this. 4. do you want to save you marriage and are willing to contract a disease, or have a sexless marriage? be honest here.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#12 ·
Sorry about your situation RocketMan a couple of deep breaths now, read this http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

and this
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/33641-tip-recently-betrayed-see-your-doctor.html

Know that your ordeal is just beginning and be warned that a few more skeletons may come tumbling out in the next couple of days or weeks so be prepared

The reasons for the affair don't matter just yet, let all the shock sink in first mate.

But understand one thing

THE AFFAIR WAS NOT YOUR FAULT

repeat that till its sunk into your brain

Do Not Say I FORGIVE YOU just yet

and if possible get away from the house for a few days
 
#13 ·
she did it only once, that too she cried and said NO, BULL SH!T, it was definitely more than once, its the way cheaters downplay.
Ask her to come clean completely. You know that she only confessed because she got an STD, she know that she may have given it to you and she is going to get caught.

Ask her for a separation and take your on time to decide what you want R or D
 
#15 · (Edited)
(1) There's no way I can look into their history. My wife as a crossing guard works from 7-9am. Then comes home. Then goes back from 2-4pm. Sometimes she says she got home late because she stopped to go shopping and came home with no bags and had no explanation. She got tons of cell calls on her own phone with "Private Caller" and said it was from work.

(2) I understand trickle truth. Now at this point, why not lay it on the line? How much worse can it get?

(3) Right now I need to be calm and not make any rash decisions.

(4) I think I want to save my marriage, although I'm not sure if it is a real marriage without sex, although I'm sure others with physical issues would disagree, as long as there's love?
 
#18 ·
(1) There's no way I can look into their history. My wife as a crossing guard works from 7-9am. Then comes home. Then goes back from 2-4pm. Sometimes she says she got home late because she stopped to go shopping and came home with no bags and had no explanation. She got tons of cell calls on her own phone with "Private Caller" and said it was from work.

(2) I understand trickle truth. Nut at this point, why not lay it on the line? How much worse can it get?

(3) Right now I need to be calm and not make anmy rash decisions.

(4) I think I want to save my marriage, although I'm not sure if it is a real marriage without sex, although I'm sure others with physical issues would disagree, as long as there's love?
You are in shock.

Would you feel so ready to reconcile if you had contracted HIV from her betrayal? This is serious stuff. This is your life. And yes, you DO need more than love. You also need a wife you can trust.

Give yourself time. How much worse could it get? A lot. Your number one job now is to protect yourself til you are ready to deal with this. She does not have your best interest at heart, unfortunately, so you have to.

Follow up with your doctor. Please take care of yourself.
 
#16 ·
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, and have a lot of mixed emotions. Don't know if I'm more mad at the picture in my mind of them having sex in the back of his Denali, or the fact that she now has a disease she may have given me.
Now you have good friends to talk to with good, solid advice. We have all been through everything you described. It helps to vent.

The images and pain fade a little (been 6 months for me). The anger dissipates. Get help from a professional. Be honest with your spouse and how you are feeling, don't spare her feelings. You will persevere.
 
#17 ·
Does she have an Iphone? if so sync it to the computer and you'dd be able to recover all her text messages

http://images.wondershare.com/images/pdf-files/iphone-sms-recovery.pdf

If not a cellphone spyware would be a nice asset

Voice Activate Recorders(VARs)
secure one firmly under the driver's seat of her car
and one near the telephone

A gps on her car should let you know where she is and at what time unless she finds out(highly unlikely)

check the odometer and record the miles logged in and compare it with the distance between home and work

If she did admit the affair I think you have a better chance at Reconciliation than if you had stumbled upon it on your own
 
#21 ·
OM bought her a burner phone to keep the affair secret and they had car sex where she stopped it immediately? Yeah, right. Like everyone has said: Trickle Truth.



You don't just go from working a couple of hours a day as a crossing guard to banging some guy from out of state in his car. There's more to this and you know it.

Where is this burner/trac phone now? Do you have it?
 
#22 ·
She just sent me a text saying I know I screwed up your life but you're making the picture uglier than it was and making it hurt more.
She said she gave the phone back right after it happened. Adn doesn't remember the number he called her from, nor the number she called him at.
 
#25 ·
Coffe 4-5 days a week, september - december, secret phone, wanted to leave you for him, "failed" ONS, herpes, forced to confess... and she doesn't know his name/adress? It's in the cheaters handbook page 2; a big pile of horsehsh!t. She's lying, tell her to come clean once for all, to write down the whole story and tell her you want her to pass a polygraph. Also OM's identity.
To start R you need to demand the following:
- NC text
- Total tranaparency of comunicating devices nad acountability of where abouts.
- Taking to full responsability.
- Full disclosure, radical honesty.
- Whatever may help you to start trusting her.

Then you need true and utter remorse, Not guilt, Not shame, Not regret... remorse. You can hope for it but you can demand nor control it.
 
#26 ·
Rocketman,

I know you don't want to hear this but you are not being told the entire truth. Your wife does not want to reveal everything that happened because she is afraid that if she does it will be too much for you to handle and you'll file for divorce. She also does not want to admit to herself and accept everything she did. Its very common and occurs most of the time when affairs come out. Pleading with her, telling her that it won't matter, assuring her that you only want the truth and you won't divorce her....none of that will work. Wayward spouses inevitably only disclose what they have to or what they think the betrayed spouse already knows. The only way you will get the entire truth is if you investigate and discover it for yourself or alternatively you can ask her to take a polygraph test to confirm what she's told you. If she refuses the polygraph or agrees to it reluctantly you know you don't have the truth. If she agrees to take the polygraph look at her eyes, her expression and her body language. It will reveal whether she realizes that she is going to be discovered. Monitor her computer history. If she begins to visit websites that describe how to fool polygraph tests you know she is still lying to you. When you do make the polygraph appointment don't tell her when it is until you are already on your way there. Most times the wayward spouse will come clean before they enter the testing building. Sorry you are here but now that you are you need to open your eyes and see things for what they really are. Otherwise this ride you're on will continue for a very long time.
 
#28 ·
I too have married young and for a long time.
My H and I started dating at 17, married at 19, been married almost 18 years. 3 kids.

His A was with his best friend's wife, who was also my close friend.

His admittance to the A went like this in a nutshell spread over about 4 months:
1. We just talked. (1000 texts, 4000 minutes)
2. Okay, the talk got a little much and a little flirty, but nothing far over the line. (I found naked, gynocological pictures of OW)
3. Okay, she sent me some pictures.
4. Okay, yes, we talked dirty, sexted, phone sex, but that's it. I never even hugged her, kissed her, nor held her hand.
5. (drunk) What would you say if I told you she gave me a blow job?
6. (drunk - brags to friend) "I cheated on my wife and now we are having the best sex ever."
7. # 6 gets back to me, I confront, and he finallly finallllllyyyy admits to the sex that I knew in my heart existed all along.
8. Admits to "a couple" hotel sessions where they had sex "multiple times" without protection. Other than that, I've never received more detailed information. I've asked but stopped pushing when I realized I really didn't want to or need to know more.
9. I got an STD (HPV).

So all that to show that our loving spouses will lie to us til the day they die if they can. You might try getting her drunk, that worked well for loosening my H's lips. But they do also throw in a lot of mean stuff while drunk, so you have to be able to sift through the crap for what you need.

I'm soooooo sorry you are here. It is absolutely HORRIBLE to go through and all you can do is keep on keeping on and do the best you can for your kids and yourself.
 
#31 ·
I am so sorry you are going through this. We are about in the same boat as being married 29 years and being 51.

Your first steps need to be about you. I know you want to kill the other guy. I still have those feelings but what keeps it in check is my kids. I do not want them to have to deal with that type of problem in their lives.

Get your self to a Dr right away get a full check up. My heart rate was screwed up, sleeping and eating and all the rest. The mind movies are also tough to deal with. When it comes up think about your kids.

Decide later what you want to do about your marriage. Place yourself and your kids at the head of the list. Your wife did not think about you or your kids when she jumped into the sack with that POS. So she is at the back of the bus right now.

Go see an IC soon. It helped with my anger it was over the top. Read all you can and talk it out with the people here most are BS and we can relate to what you are going through.
 
#33 ·
I feel sorry that you are here. I do understand your mental state, as I have gone through it many times in last 25 years (because of my WW).

There are many invisible things in your case:
the OM (Truck driver): invisible
his phone number: invisible
his name: invisible
his address: invisible

Only one thing that is visible: Herpes

I think all other posters are right. This is not a one time small incident. In addition to what others have said:

1. Did she cry because they couldn't finish the act due to herpes (pain), or did she remembered your love that time ?
2. Was it him that gave her the herpes, or was it a shock even to him?
3. Did he leave her due to the same thing?

One thing that I read somewhere is: " Herpes is usually tracked back to your latest sexual partner because of the typical time it takes (1-3 weeks) to have an out break."

If that is true (I am not sure), then how could it be related to last September?
 
#34 ·
Look, she is not going to tell you the whole truth if life just continues. You have to either demand a polygraph like Beowulf described, or you just need to go completely cold and dark on her. Or do a hard 180 (someone please post the link to the 180).

When you do this, your wife will wonder what the heck is wrong, why you aren't being affectionate, why you are only talking "business" with her. It will drive her nuts while you will feel stronger.

If I were in your shoes, I would completely ignore her until she broke. If she pleads, just say, "Talking to you is pointless until I hear the full truth. Until then, expect nothing from me."

She'll break eventually.
 
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